When to have 2nd child. At what age is a toddler most energy demanding? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 06:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
BC mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 63
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi! Just wondering about child spacing, when to have my second baby. My boy is 16 months now, and I would like him to be at least 2 years before the 2nd arrives. Is this a really bad age to bring in a second? Should I wait until 2 1/2? What months did you find your toddler being the most demanding of your energy? I know it depends on the child but I really would love some stories as I don't know a lot of moms with toddlers.

Thanks for your input and stories!
BC mom is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 08:15 PM
 
Birth Junky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Beautiful Pacific NW
Posts: 1,939
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm struggling with this decision myself--my girl is nearing 2 (her birthday is in March), and I am waiting, despite my body's desperate desire to conceive again.
No advice, since I haven't BTDT yet, but I will pass on a comment made to me by a friend (and mother of 5) when I was talking it over with her:

"If parents haven't gotten pregnant with #2 by the time their first is 18 months, they tend to wait until their first is closer to 3."

This is, of course, only what she's found in her circle of friends . . . but when we're going through particularly trying moments with DD, her words ring loudly in my ears!
Birth Junky is offline  
#3 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 08:20 PM
 
spring978's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 599
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My olest are 4 years apart an its been great. DSwas old enough to play by himself for short periods,which gave me time the baby needed, but he was young enough to still enjoy books at quiet time and playing with the baby. As they have grown they have always had a close bond and have never really competed with each other. They are now 17 and 14. If I an talk my wonderful husband inot 1 more I would want a 4 year gap with the baby as well
spring978 is offline  
#4 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 08:31 PM
 
Tofu the Geek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,398
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DD is 15 months, and I have ZERO desire to be pregnant again. I am totally surprised that you ladies at 16 months and 2 years, already have a physical desire to conceive again. I am just so far from there right now that I can't imagine my feelings changing that drastically in the next month or even the next 6 months.

That being said, my kids are far apart, so they will never go to school together or relate in the way that siblings closer in age do (not at least until they are both adults likely). And, I had the 2nd at my personal max age. My preference would be to have the next one when DD was 4 or 5. So, I either have to conceive now, and have them closer together than I want, wait and conceive as a much older parent and have them a bit further apart, or not have anymore at all.

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
Tofu the Geek is offline  
#5 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 09:13 PM
 
cmom80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In a perpetual state of disarray
Posts: 481
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Three to five saves lives! Google it. That's what I'm going for.
cmom80 is offline  
#6 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 09:39 PM
 
Peony's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 15,914
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
I won't risk my milk supply with a pg before my DC are 2y old.

My first two are 3y and 10m apart and I LOVE the spacing. I seriously don't know how we would of survived had DD1 been younger. DD2 had health issues, DD1 was able to understand so much, we didn't have jealousy issues, she was old enough to really be of a help.

Any spacing over 3 years is ok with me. We'll start TTC #3 when DD2 is 2y and 3m, it take me a while to get pg anyway.

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
Peony is online now  
#7 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 10:10 PM
p.s
 
p.s's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,226
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
:
p.s is offline  
#8 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 10:50 PM
 
newbymom05's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,589
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think eveyrone's child--and tolerance--is different, but I personally can't imagine trying to be an AP parent w/ less than a 2 yr spread between sibs. I'm pregnant now and my DS will be 3 when the babe is born. 2.5 is SO MUCH EASIER than 2 y/o and under, yet he still is such a baby and needs so much of me. I'm already afraid that even at 3 he will have a lot of times of unmet needs, but I'm 100% positive it would have been much, much worse if there had only been a 2 yr space. Plus, I'm glad I got to enjoy these 3 years just the two of us, y/k? Goodness, sometimes daily life is soooooo frustrating w/ a toddler--can't imagine an infant in the mix! And hopefully I'll have a similar experience because #1 will be old enough to participate in activities away from me, giving me 1-on-1 time w/ #2.
newbymom05 is offline  
#9 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 11:12 PM
 
lizabird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Feeding the birds in NC
Posts: 1,976
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My guys are not quite 3 yrs apart. It hasn't been as crazy as I might have thought having 2. The older one was very interested in the baby and could do enough things for himself at 3 when the baby arrived that I could focus on baby when I needed to and could just sling/pouch the baby when we were out and about doing fun things with older ds. Now ds2 is 1 yr old and ds1 is 4 yrs old and they have a lot of fun together already. Ds2 loves watching ds1 and ds1 is usually happy to entertain. I would agree with above poster though that certainly all kids are different. The 3 yr spacing seems to be working well for us. I know I wouldn't want to have them much closer together for my own sanity!

Mom of (11/27/03) and (9/29/06).
lizabird is offline  
#10 of 51 Old 12-13-2007, 11:21 PM
 
allfrog68's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 106
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a 2.75 yo. I just did the math and figured out that I actually started trying for No. 2 when she was 1.5 yo. Unfortunately, it's taking me a lot longer then I expected (think combination of weight and age). Anyhow, I totally knew when it was ok to start. Things just seemed to get easier at home. With that said, I know if I get pregnant anytime in the next couple of months things will be a lot easier for me then when I started 17 months ago. Guess with all that said I would recommend listening to your body, mainly how tired or drained you feel.
allfrog68 is offline  
#11 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 12:20 AM
 
Bellejar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: seattle, WA
Posts: 1,021
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So my kids are 19 months appart and my second will be 27 months when number three arrives. She is very independent and mature for two though. I have heard best to either have them less than two years apart or more than 3.
Bellejar is offline  
#12 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 12:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
BC mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 63
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for your stories! I should have mentioned that I am 37 so age is a concern to me, otherwise I think I would be happy to wait until Lucas is at least 2 before getting pregnant. It would be ideal for breast feeding, and probably for sleeping as well. As it is I actually don't feel a physical desire to get pregnant as I am still waking every 2-3 hours all night and struggling to semi-nightwean. I just feel that I "should" start trying in the next few months or so. (when he is 18 months at least). But if having a 2 1/2 year old would be SO much easier than a 2 year old then maybe it would be wise to wait a little longer, and try not to worry about my age.
BC mom is offline  
#13 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 12:43 AM
 
Lilike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 115
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i initially thought i wanted to have my kids close together (although not get pregnant before ds was 2 so he could breastfeed for at least two years) but i recently visited my aunt who had a four year old and she was SO sweet. she asked her mommy when THEY could have a baby and she was sweet and patient with my crazy, freaked out little one. i decided it wouldn't be so bad to have them spaced farther apart. now i only want to ttc when my son (17 mo) is old enough to understand the situation. now, if i said, "mommy can't pick you up right now, the baby needs to nurse" (or whatever) he would not understand and would only insist more. plus, wouldn't it be so nice to have a little one who really wanted to feel your bulging belly, hold your hand while your in labor, and help the new baby get to sleep? these are my current fantasies
Lilike is offline  
#14 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 12:44 AM
 
TonyaW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by BC mom View Post
Hi! Just wondering about child spacing, when to have my second baby. My boy is 16 months now, and I would like him to be at least 2 years before the 2nd arrives. Is this a really bad age to bring in a second? Should I wait until 2 1/2? What months did you find your toddler being the most demanding of your energy? I know it depends on the child but I really would love some stories as I don't know a lot of moms with toddlers.

Thanks for your input and stories!
I am there with you only my son is 12 months. My body wants to conceive so bad I can hardly stand it! However I know if I got prego now it would be terrible for me because I am already sleep deprived and probably not so good for my son when a new baby arrived. I'd probably pass away for lack of any sleep. Anyway, I plan to wait until I have nursed my son for a year and a half and then if he is sleeping well at night I will TTC. Otherwise, I am thinking we will wait until DS is 2.
TonyaW is offline  
#15 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:00 AM
 
ktmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Beautiful Boulder
Posts: 2,277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My girls are eight years apart and I can highly recommend an age difference of five or more years! That being said, I am TTC #3 right now and if I do, my youngest will be three or more years apart. Age is a factor for us (I'm 42), otherwise I'd wait a few more years.

Just want to support what another poster said about AP ideals and having two (or three) LOs at home. I think it's pretty hard. I have a friend who has three under four years old and her life is pretty much survival. There's not a lot of time and energy to really bond with and attach to her kids.

Me : living with and loving papa and the kids: Dd1 8/97 , dd2 8/04 and my sweet baby ds 5/09 : :
ktmama is offline  
#16 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:01 AM
 
snoopy5386's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 2,575
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is a question I struggle with every day. We can't decide between 3 and 4 yrs apart. I think in the early years closer together is much harder but in the later years it is easier, but I just don't know.....

Mom to Morgan 4-3-06 and announcing Baby Kelsey 4-11-10
snoopy5386 is offline  
#17 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:08 AM
 
starlein26's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 5,813
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I like being able to talk to my children about how their lives will change, prepare them...

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
starlein26 is offline  
#18 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:30 AM
 
NiteNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Quote:
I should have mentioned that I am 37 so age is a concern to me
I'm 35 and my dd will be two next month. Everyone I was pregnant with is now on round two and I'm just not ready. Ideally, I'd like to have this one potty trained and sleeping through the night before I start working on another. But in reality, my age is going to play a big part. Esp as I'd really like two more. I expect that we'll start trying sometime next year just because it doesn't make much sense to wait any longer.

Although I do have days where one sounds like just the right number.
NiteNicole is offline  
#19 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:40 AM
 
reezley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,121
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
A factor to consider is how much help (from dh, other relatives, friends, etc.) you will or can have. DS1 was 27 months when ds2 was born. He's still having a hard time with being gentle with his little brother, jealousy, etc, although mostly he's a very loving brother! I don't know if that would have been much different if he were a few months older though. But the thing I was really grateful for was that he was ready to go to sleep a) without nursing, and b) without Mommy. DH took over night parenting with ds1, still does sleep with him. Days that he worked too late to be home in time for bedtimes, my mom was able to come over and fill in. If DH worked different or more hours, that would have been really hard. That was a lifesaver, to have ds1 more "independent" in that regard. Daytime help was also necessary - I had a lot of help (an hour or two on many days when someone came over or took ds1 out for fun outings), and I don't know how I would have managed without that help!
reezley is offline  
#20 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:42 AM
 
katheek77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 4,112
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can't imagine having another now (DD is 17.5 mos and likely an only). We co-sleep (well, DH co-sleeps with DD...they're too "active" for me to sleep with...I sleep on the floor - but, that would still leave me sleeping with one of them...ye gads!!!!!) and I doubt she'll give that up anytime soon. She's jealous...of me and DH, of DH and the dog, of me and anything other than her. Yeah, it might be different with different kids, but, I'd have to say 3-4 years is probably good...I was 31mos when my sister was born, and I was old enough to understand sis needed mom, and old enough to amuse myself, and I even went on vacation with grandma shortly after....I can't imagine doing it with an 18-24mos old. We were still close enough to play growing up, but far apart enough to not have so much competition...on a practical side, I'm still pumping for DD, and would like to make it to 24 mos.

Everyone I know with a kid DD's age seems to be having number 2, but, there's no way in heck I could do it...she's finally becoming a "human" as in understanding me, being a separate person, etc. If we were ever to have another, it wouldn't be until DD was *fully* out of baby mode (ie...4-5 years)....

If there were a time limit, that would be diff. to me (my family actually has a HORRIBLE repro. history with medical hysterectomies at 27-39 in the prior three generations, but, we're looking at an only, so not a factor).

I also agree with the help factor....my parents lived with my grandma until I was seven, so, that was a factor. My DH is military, and works 12-15 hour days, so, yeah...it's hard sometimes with just one...I'm sure if we were closer to family, it could make a difference.

Oooh..forgot to add...my DD is in the process of giving up her ONLY nap (half the time, yes, half the time, no)...that has a *big* effect on me.
katheek77 is offline  
#21 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:43 AM
 
KimProbable's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 1,494
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My kids are just under 5 years apart and I love it. DS was old enough that I didn't have to chase him around when I was hugely pregnant, and I rarely carried him anymore.

I'm just to the point now where I'm starting to think I'll be ready next fall to try for baby #3, which would give me around 4 years between DD and the next. Right now, DD very rarely sleeps through the night and still nurses very frequently during the day. I'm not feeling capable of dealing with first trimester fatigue yet, nevermind a newborn!

Kim - Wife to Liam , Unschooly mama to Nick (10/00) Lily (09/05) and Olivia (07/09)
KimProbable is offline  
#22 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:47 AM
 
ktmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Beautiful Boulder
Posts: 2,277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I also want to add that I'm from a large family of nine kids and the sisters that I'm closest to are five years older and nine years younger than me. So, I don't think age spacing is a predictor of future close relationships - although that's just my experience. I don't know what the research says about that.

Me : living with and loving papa and the kids: Dd1 8/97 , dd2 8/04 and my sweet baby ds 5/09 : :
ktmama is offline  
#23 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 02:07 AM
 
Paddington's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Happy ;-)
Posts: 8,137
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I heart my boys 3 year age difference. Ds1 was old enough that I could say can you wait just a sec and he totally understood me. And they are still enjoying playing together as well. :

Ange. Mama to boys. Yup. All Boys. All Intact. A bunch of other NFL, crunchy credentials too.
Paddington is offline  
#24 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 12:39 PM
 
Perdita_in_Ontario's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Canada's National Capital Region
Posts: 1,928
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
One of the only bits of parenting advice my mother has bothered to give me is that a three-year gap is awesome. It worked well for her and her brother, and it worked well for me and my brother. I'm almost 3.5 years older than he is. We played together very well, actually. Mum says she saw hardly any jealousy from me at all when he was born, that I was able to understand what he could and couldn't do, and was able to play at his level. We played together right up until I was a teen.

I'm hoping for a similar gap for my two.. DD is 28 months so we're in the window now. I know several women who conceived their second child when their first was cute and sweet and 15 months... and now just look plain exhausted and spend their time protecting their babies from either a jealous or overly-loving toddler. Of course that's from the outside - they probably think I'm nuts for waiting LOL.

Besides I have to say that 2-year-olds are damned fascinating and I'm really pleased I've had that time with her alone.

Perdita - newly SAHM to DD July/05 & DS Feb/10 joy.gif
Perdita_in_Ontario is offline  
#25 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 12:56 PM
 
AidynElyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: In the land of lilacs, Washington
Posts: 300
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellejar View Post
So my kids are 19 months appart and my second will be 27 months when number three arrives. She is very independent and mature for two though. I have heard best to either have them less than two years apart or more than 3.
Couldn't agree more, DS and DD are also 19 months apart. There have been some rough patches, but I think in some ways it's also easier. DS was still in his sweet phase when DD came along and just wanted to love her, and by the time he started to turn into a bit of a terror, he was used to her being around and she was big enough that I didn't have to worry about him hurting her. They have their days (all kids do), but I'm glad that they are so close. Most days they're good friends and now that DD is almost 16 months and DS is almost 3, we have some rolicking good times together. I think the trick is to either have them very close, so that they don't remember it being any other way and just grow up together, or wait until the older is old enough to grasp the concepts of a new baby and the changes it brings. Really, I think it just matters on the family, each one has to do what they think is best and what they can handle best.
AidynElyMama is offline  
#26 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 12:58 PM
 
Dov'sMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 1,695
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I haven't read the thread, and I don't have much to add, but I laughed when I saw the title --

It looked like you wanted to plan for Baby 2 to arrive just when Baby 1 was the most energy demanding.
Dov'sMom is offline  
#27 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:19 PM
 
hottmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Posts: 5,203
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My kids are 3 yrs. apart and that was hard at times. I also wouldn't risk a pregnancy before my nursling was 2, but I think 2.5 yrs. apart might be easier than 3. If I had a do-over I'd have waited until my kids were 3.5-4 yrs. apart instead of 3. But in the long run, 3 years has been great, they adore each other, play together and my oldest helps my youngest with everything (he pours their cereal in the morning, helps him get dressed, etc). I love the difference now but for the first 6 mos. my then 3 yr. old was impossible. For a while he was spending 3 nights a week at his dad's house because I just couldn't give him the 100% attention he needed at that age.
hottmama is offline  
#28 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 01:21 PM
 
the_lissa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,838
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had my second when my first was 2.5 and you could not pay me to do it a moment sooner than that.

Jam 7, Peanut Butter 5, and Bread 2.

the_lissa is offline  
#29 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 03:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
BC mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 63
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OK, thanks everyone. So I am getting the idea that around 2 to 2 1/2 is the most challenging?My little guys is so sweet right now (16 months) so its hard to imagine, but I know that is bound to change!
BC mom is offline  
#30 of 51 Old 12-14-2007, 03:23 PM
 
runes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 4,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Perdita_in_Ontario View Post

Besides I have to say that 2-year-olds are damned fascinating and I'm really pleased I've had that time with her alone.
i LOVE the way you stated this. this is exactly how i feel towards dd. it is just so AMAZING to watch dd learn and develop right now (she just turned 2 in november) and we are really enjoying this time, however challenging it can be occasionally.

dh and his sister are 18 months apart, and my sister and i are 28 months apart. both of us had extremely adversarial relationships with our siblings growing up, so we are on the same wavelength regarding a longer interval between little ones.

i also would love for dd to be more aware of what is going on if/when we go through the process of having another baby.

dd is also still nursing, big time, and i know she needs it. i don't want her milk supply to be jeopardized right now. i know a lot of mamas can successfully nurse through pregnancy and i'm hoping for the best on that, but knowing how much dd still needs breastmilk, it does give me pause.
runes is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off