2 1/2 and not potty trained - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just put my 2 1/2 yr old into daycare this morning. It broke my heart to do it. (please no flames or suggestions for me to stay home, because its not an option for me anymore ;( )

The daycare gave my husband a real attitude when he dropped them off because my oldest is not potty trained. We've been potty training with very little success over the past year, and I figured I was putting too much pressure on it so I backed off, figuring that when she was ready she would let me know. Was I wrong? I just figured that she would get it by example now being in a daycare around others who are potty training. But they straight up "insisted" that she is "overdue" for potty training and that we go out and get pull ups for her and that they are going to train her IMMEDIATELY.

My heart is broken. I don't know what to do. I want my babies to grow up on their own time table, but I have no choice about working, and this is the second daycare they have been in (the last one they were there once and I will never bring them back because of the things I saw and heard when I picked my babies up)

Is 2 1/2 really "overdue" to potty train? Am I right to be terrified that they are going to "force" this issue?

My babies have not been in daycare ever since they were born other than that one time for 3 hrs a few weeks ago, and then today. I am so overprotective that I cant tell if I'm being overprotective or if I'm justified.
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#2 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 09:03 PM
 
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I don't think 2 1/2 is "overdue" for potty training. My 3 yr. old isn't potty trained. What's there problem with changing a diaper? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but maybe you could explain that you'll take care of the potty training on your end, you just want them to care for her while she's there.
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#3 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 09:03 PM
 
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I think that you sounds like a wonderful mama and are doing the right thing by backing off the potty learning. It sounds like your kiddo just isn't ready yet. I don't have any experience with the potty, my ds is 14 months and in diapers, but I think that if I was in your shoes, I would do exactly the same thing. If these past 14 months have taught me anything it's that ds will do everything in his own time. My niece is just recently potty learned at about 2.5 years. My sis got tons of flack (not my mom and dad or me, of course!!!). I do question the daycare insisting on potty training your kid themselves though. I don't think I would be comfortable with that. I know my grandma helped me potty learn, but that is a little different I think. I don't think there is a due date on when kids must be potty learned. Just want to say that the bottom line for me is: you are the mommy. Overprotective (and I don't think so ), or whatever, if you don't like it, say something!

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#4 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 09:23 PM
 
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2 1/2 isn't at all unusual to not be potty learned yet. Are they the only daycare available?

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#5 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 09:32 PM
 
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If she'd been in daycare all along, they would have started potty training her already, but the odds are good that they wouldn't have gotten any farther than you did. The amount of time it takes to potty train a child is the difference between the moment you start and the moment the child is ready.

If what they mean by "potty training" is that, every two hours or so, they're going to take all the kids to the bathroom and have them each sit on the potty for a few minutes, then I don't think that's a crisis, but I think you are right to be concerned by the force of their reaction, and by what they do mean by potty training. I also think you should ask what their policy is regarding toilet accidents - my son is too young for this issue, but his daycare has a policy that children may not be punished or shamed for accidents. They ask parents to send in a set of spare clothes, and when a child has an accident, they clean up and get the kid changed and that's it. Look for similar policies, and ask what happens in practice.

I would agree to Pull Ups as a convenience for the daycare (much easier on and off/changing), but not as a potty training aid. I've had friends who've used them and say that they make the process take longer.

Your daughter is not "overdue" for potty training by any stretch of the imagination.
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#6 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 09:38 PM
 
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ds will be 3 in october. when i ask him if he needs to use his potty he either politely says "no thank you" or runs from me saying "NO NO NO NO" which i translate into "i'm not ready yet mama". forced independence is something that really bothers me in our current culture. i started realizing it when people would ask at 3 mos. if he was "sleeping through the night". then it was breastfeeding and now it's potty learning. your dd is lucky to have a mom who doesn't push her into things she's not ready for. the daycare is employed by you, so they should be honoring your parenting choices. i'm sorry you have to make this tough decision.
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#7 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 09:53 PM
 
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A lot of kids aren't ready yet, don't beat yourself up over it. I bet as long as they aren't forceful about it, he will pick it up pretty fast being with all the other kids though. My ds is almost 3 and is trained (we still have night accidents and every few months there is a day on) but it was his idea. I wasn't even ready for it yet, but he started refusing diapers and decided to use the potty.
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#8 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 10:00 PM
 
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Have you looked into a smaller family/home daycare? You might be able to find someone closer to your parenting philosophy.
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#9 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 10:35 PM
 
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I would get some more info before you decide what to do. Who gave you this "we're starting now" bit? a staff? a supervisor? an owner? Dig a little deeper, find out what they mean by potty training and go from there.

If you don't like what they have to say, advocate for your child and let them know that doesn't reflect your parenting style and that you feel your child will do best when things are consistent between home and daycare. They should be offering you advice on where to start at home and at very least be willing to wait a few weeks for your DC to adjust to the setting. Maybe agree to the toiletting, but not if it makes your DC uncomfortable or she refuses?

As for the pull-ups thing....I don't think that's the daycare's place. You can change a diaper while standing and I don't think it's their place to tell you what your child ought to wear. If you do decide to go that route though, (as a daycare worker) the ones with the velcro-like sides are way more convenient than most store-brand ones that are sealed the whole way up. Otherwise, you have to remove pants AND shoes at each bathroom routine.

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#10 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 10:53 PM
 
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It is within the realm of normal for a child to not even be interested in starting until 3 yo. I'd ask them to back up their claim with evidence.

My MIL worked in a daycare for a while, and she did do some work with potty training some of the children, but they were required to get parental permission before even attempting to put them on the potty.

I would be clear with them not to use any punishments or rewards. I would dread having potty training done by someone who scolds or shames for misses, or uses stickers or candies or something like that for "hits".
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#11 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 11:03 PM
 
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2 1/2 is about right in our family anyway. All the kids have been around that age. If they want to start helping then tell them to go for it. If all the other kids are out of diapers yours may just follow their lead. 2 1/2 is not 'Late' but more like about the right time to start.

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#12 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 11:10 PM
 
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that's very odd to me... I used to work at a daycare and a lot of the kids that age were not potty trained. They did have a loose requirement that they be potty trained before age 3 (I say loose because lots of the kids in the 3 yr old room that I worked in had accidents ALL the time- some multiple times a day), but even if that were the case.... that's 1/2 a year away!
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#13 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 11:12 PM
 
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My older DD potty trained herself at 3 yrs 1 month. She woke up one morning, took off her pj bottoms, threw her diaper in the trash and put on panties... then put her pj's back on. She was eating breakfast and hopped up to go potty and that's when I discovered that she had panties on. That was it, all her idea. I had attempted to pt her the summer before at 2 1/2 b/c "all my friends were doing it" and it was a disaster. The assistant in her preschool class was not pleased when the school year started and she wasn't potty trained because that meant more work for her. I very nicely informed her that my DD just was not ready yet... and when she continued to give me a hard time about it I had a chat with the director about pushing something that my child was not developmentally ready for yet. It did help that I worked at that particular preschool for several years teaching 2 yr olds before I had kids so I knew the director really well.

By the way, you might want to look at the AAP's website. In their Parent Q & A about toilet training they say "Keep in mind, most children achieve bowel control and daytime urine control by 3 to 4 years of age". I talk to the owner or director of the daycare first about your concerns. If you are otherwise happy with the center it may be helpful to print off articles about potty training to share with the center's staff.

HTH,
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#14 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 11:29 PM
 
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My DD turned 2 1/2 yesterday and today at daycare I got a bag with three different soiled outfits in it. Don't worry!
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#15 of 51 Old 06-30-2008, 11:45 PM
 
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none of my children so far have been potty trained before 3! my oldest was 3 exactly, and my other 2 where both 3 yrs and 9 months old!! i actually thing that 2 1/2 is very young to expect to be potty trained!

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#16 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 12:34 AM
 
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DD1 PL herself when she was 2.5y and I actually thought that was fairly early. She has had a number of friends that were 3 and 4 years of age before being PLed.

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#17 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 12:55 AM
 
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I wouldn't worry about the timing, but I would definitely be concerned about their methods.

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#18 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 01:09 AM
 
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I don't think your DD is overdue but I do think that you sound very tentative with your daycare. When my son started at a daycare recently (he had been in a Montessori school prior to our move), the daycare and I had a number of discussions as his caregiver and I did not quite see eye-to-eye.

We seem to be on the same page now but here is an example:

My son has been working on potty-learning off and on since he was eighteen months old. I didn't rush him 'cause he isn't going to college in diapers, ya know? He and I talked about it, and he told me he wasn't ready to use the toilet yet, though he had the mechanics down.

When we ran out of diapers, I told him I wasn't buying anymore and we would use the pull-ups only from that point until they ran out, then we would use undies; I was laid off in Feb so it was a cost-savings measure.

Well, we were running out of pull-ups too so over Memorial Day weekend we had naked time; he spent Saturday and Sunday naked. Every half-hour to an hour we would have a Pee Break and run to the bathroom. When he didn't want to go, I would then wait until there was something he wanted; "I'll be glad to read to you after you pee in the toilet." It wasn't said meanly, just matter-of-factly, and he would then run to pee in the toilet.

On Monday we added underwear to the mix so he could practice; we went to the store and picked out a bunch together. I asked his opinion and let him pick out the ones he liked, thereby vesting him in the process.

Okay, so that's the background; sorry it's so long.

Sooooo...Tuesday he goes to daycare and I told his teacher, in front of him, that, "M is now wearing underwear during the day; would you please help him when he needs to use the toilet?" He had a couple of accidents but most of the time, he peed in the toilet.

On Wednesday his teacher tells me, "I'm not trying to tell you how to raise your child, but he had three accidents today and maybe he's not ready for underwear yet." I looked on the board and saw that he had SIX times when he managed to use the toilet, so I asked her about it and she said yes, he had used the toilet six times successfully. I told her, again in front of my boy, that he was doing well, I expected a few accidents while he learned and practiced, and he was NOT going back into pull-ups.

The rest of that week, he had precisely ZERO accidents. Since then, he's had a few but it's mostly peeing ON his shorts rather than IN them; he still has a bit of trouble getting them down far enough and there's a gap in the toilet seat so...overall, he is doing a great job!

We still have mostly naked time at home; it's easier on all concerned 'cause he is still learning his body's signals. The whole process has been pretty funny though, especially when he rushes past me in the hallway saying,

"Excuse me, Mama, I have to poo!"

P.S. The point of that whole long post is that YOU are her parent; have strength and confidence in your decisions for her, and don't let anyone intimidate you into doing anything that YOU feel detrimental to her.
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#19 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 09:03 AM
 
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That's awful that they think a 2yo should be potty trained. That's one reason I love our kids' preschool; they really respect each child's individual developmental timetable. Our first son did potty train at 2yrs.10mos, but our 2nd son didn't potty train until 4 1/4! They had no problem with that, and there were actually 2 others in his class that were still working on it too.
I think it is terrible to put that kind of pressure on parents, but especially on the kids. There is just no excuse.

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#20 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 09:21 AM
 
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I have a question along these lines...

Does anyone have any suggestions for potty training? I feel like I have tried everything. My DD is 2 1/2 yrs old and not at all potty trained. I can get her to go on the potty and sometimes she wants to try, but then she won't want to go on the potty for weeks at a time. Every time I press the issue we seem to go backwards. The other problem is she seems happy to be in a very wet diaper. It is a battle to get her diaper changed. She's always very busy and doesn't want to stop what she's doing and have her diaper changed.
Thanks
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#21 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 09:36 AM
 
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My ds is close to 2.5 and he knows what the potty and toilet are for but he is definatly not ready yet...I ask him now and then and he lets me know in no uncertain terms that it's not time. I figure he will do it when he's ready. (I'd love to get him out of nappies for the money saving and environmental aspects) I think forcing the issue would be really detrimental. Ds is in a daycare 2 afternoons per week and they have no problem with him being in nappies. If they did I'd be looking for another daycare provider.

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#22 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 10:09 AM
 
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My DD is 2.75 yo and she has been potty trained for a while, in my opinion she is on the early end of things, and it is because I was potty trained earlier (I believe that a lot of being physically ready to potty learn is genetic). I think you need to meet with the director or teacher and discuss a potty training/potty learning plan that you are OK with, and that fits within their routine, etc. Your daycare provider should not be demanding you do anything, you are the boss here, they are your paid employee. They can and should make some respectful suggestions about things, however, since they are with your child during the day they may make observations that would be helpful to you when you are making your parenting decisions.

Here is our story. I got a copy of the "No Cry Potty Solution" when DD was around 15 months old. We started doing some of the potty learning techniques (teaching words like wet, dry, pee, poop during diaper changes, getting potty books to read, and eventually buying a potty seat).
At this time DD was in a daycare that did not do any potty training until they were in the 2 year old room, so daycare was not doing anything. We continued at home, and DD started going through the motions (sit, wipe, wash hands, dry) but not actually going potty on the seat very much at all.
When she was 20 months old we got her into a different daycare that we liked much better (unfortunately they closed Friday ). They had all their kids do potty breaks (at certain times of the day, all the kids would go in the bathroom, sit, wash, etc.) They were amazed that DD was going through all the motions. At that point the director recommended that we start bringing in pull ups. Once DD was frequently dry (at about 2yo) they recommended we start putting her in panties. Of course, she wasn't poop trained at that point, so we had poopy panties just about every day for a very long time. I don't remember exactly when, but we have not had an accident for quite some time now, and while DD does need help with wiping, she is pretty much "trained". From what I have read though, the majority of children will not be completely potty independant (meaning they don't need your help with anything, including wiping) before the age of 4 or even 4.5. DD had classmates that were 3 and still in diapers. Kids have a wide range of what is "normal". I did get irritated when one teacher tried to shame DD's friend when she was changing her diaper. She said to the little girl: "See she is younger than you and she doesn't poop in her pants" or something along those lines. I just said something along the lines of "It's OK, every child is different."

Good luck, I know how much it sucks to have your child in daycare, and to find a daycare you fell comfortable with. Definitely go in and talk to them about this.
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#23 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 10:21 AM
 
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Is the staff at this center older? The reason I am asking is that I have a 16 year old son and a 2.5 yo dd. When my son entered daycare back almost 13 years ago, he had to be potty trained in order to attend. Back then it was assumed/expected that by 2.5-3 kids would be potty trained. That said since having dd almost 3 years ago, I have learned that its less the norm to expect kids to potty train so early.

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#24 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 10:58 AM
 
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I wonder if my DD is not quite physically ready. She seems to be wet 20 to 30 minutes after I change her.
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#25 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 11:25 AM
 
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My girl turned two in March and she is FAR FAR FAR away from being potty trained. Don't sweat it! You are a great mommy !
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#26 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 11:33 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy2bMom View Post
I have a question along these lines...

Does anyone have any suggestions for potty training? I feel like I have tried everything. My DD is 2 1/2 yrs old and not at all potty trained. I can get her to go on the potty and sometimes she wants to try, but then she won't want to go on the potty for weeks at a time. Every time I press the issue we seem to go backwards. The other problem is she seems happy to be in a very wet diaper. It is a battle to get her diaper changed. She's always very busy and doesn't want to stop what she's doing and have her diaper changed.
Thanks

I neve potty learned/trained with DS because we did elimination communication as an infant, so the pottying routine was just the way things were for us. With that said, there was a time when we had to shift from using diapers to using none, and I found it easiest when we just went cold turkey. Accept accidents as they come, and be consistent, knowing they never have back up and pees will make them wet will speed up the process (in a consistent gentle kind of way of course). That's my opinion. Obviously if they have any attachment to diapers things may get a little more complicated, but IMO, pottying should just be a matter of fact part of life, no scolding, no praising, lots of modeling, and for a little bit- your fair share of cleaning

Laurie, wife to guitar.gifDH (Aug/04), mom tobikenew.gifDS1 (Nov/05) and bfinfant.gifDS2 (June/12).

 

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#27 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 11:52 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eepster View Post
2 1/2 isn't at all unusual to not be potty learned yet. Are they the only daycare available?
Indeed!
My DD is also in daycare. She was potty trained at about 2.5 year old and she was one of the first in the group (~2.5-3 year old).
Maybe they thought you didn't 'start' yet? At our daycare they 'start' by having them wear pull-ups and putting them on the toilet every 2 hours when they are about 2.5 years old, before that they don't have a bathroom nearby. We started very slowly at home before 2.5. When she was really ready (very interested in the bathroom), it went very quickly. She wore the pull-ups for a very short time. When you start too early it takes much longer.

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#28 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 12:49 PM
 
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well if you are behind, then i would hate to think what they would say to me-lol My son turned 3 in april and wants NOTHING to do with the potty

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#29 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 02:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy2bMom View Post
I wonder if my DD is not quite physically ready. She seems to be wet 20 to 30 minutes after I change her.
One of the readiness signs is staying dry for several hours, so I would say that No, she probably is not ready.
"No Cry Potty Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley is a good book, she has a quiz in there to determine if you should start PL or not.
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#30 of 51 Old 07-01-2008, 03:12 PM
 
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My son was only dry for a few hours every once in a while before he wanted to use the potty. He would pee when he had to go, but within a few weeks of starting the potty he would wait hours to pee. My MIL tries to take him every half hour so she doesn't have to listen to him, and he will not pee until it is his idea. He waited almost 5 hours one day just to be where he wanted to pee. He is very stubborn though.
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