Sharing toys question WWYD? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 17 Old 07-08-2008, 07:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My dd is 2. We were at a small playgroup last week and she was playing with some toys. She had set up a little bed in a cradle and was going to get some more toys as a part of her game. Another child came and took the blanket from the cradle. DD yelled and grabbed the blanket and put it back in the cradle. The other child was clearly upset and her mom was asking my dd to give it to her child ( all she saw was dd yelling and grabbing).

On the one hand I can see that dd was using it as a part of her game, even though it wasn't directly in her hands at the moment and on the other hand, I can see how the other child didn't know that she was using it so thought it was fair game. I didn't like how dd yelled and grabbed it but I also wasn't sure if she should have to give it up. I didn't really know how to handle it. WWYD?
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#2 of 17 Old 07-08-2008, 07:29 PM
 
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I would have sat by the two girls and talked through the emotions. Something like this.

To your DD: I know you were playing with the blanket and you are upset that she took it, but we don't grab.

To the other girl: I know you are upset that she is grabbing the blanket. DD is upset because she was playing with it when you took it.

That way, the other mom has a chance to hear what happened without any blame being assigned. Then, I would start seeing if I could convince my daughter to share or distract her with something else and hope that the other mom would try to distract her child.

Kate
mother of Patrick (7/31/03), and Michael, William, and Jocelyn (4/27/07)
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#3 of 17 Old 07-08-2008, 07:30 PM
 
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Everybody treats the sharing concept differently, but in our house we have a hard and fast rule that if you put it down someone else can use it. We do this for playdates all the time. So a bunch of kids can be playing kitchen, but when someone sets down the eggs on the counter another kid can pick them up. Yelling and grabbing are *not* allowed...then it's time to wait for your turn again.

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#4 of 17 Old 07-08-2008, 07:32 PM
 
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With Alexander I have always said "let's share the blanket, okay? Let's get something else to play with! Do you want to play with this doll with Mama?" Usually, he doesn't care about the other item enough for it to be an issue. He's easily distractable though.

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#5 of 17 Old 07-08-2008, 07:56 PM
 
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i don't think kids that age know how to "share". i usually say to DD, "so and so is playing with that right now, when he/ she is done w/ it, you may play w/ it" same goes w/ others kids trying to grab toys from DD, i usually say something like that, and add, "okay?" and they are most of the time satisfied.
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#6 of 17 Old 07-08-2008, 08:57 PM
 
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My rule for playdates and playgroups is that once it's out of the child's immediate possession - they're "done" playing with it.

It's not fair in a group of kids to have abstract possession rules. Once your DD left to go get other toys - there was no way for another child to know that she was still playing with it. So her turn was over.

From about 14 15 months kids are old enough to take turns. They don't understand 'sharing' but turns work.
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#7 of 17 Old 07-08-2008, 09:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by hergrace View Post
I would have sat by the two girls and talked through the emotions. Something like this.

To your DD: I know you were playing with the blanket and you are upset that she took it, but we don't grab.

To the other girl: I know you are upset that she is grabbing the blanket. DD is upset because she was playing with it when you took it.

That way, the other mom has a chance to hear what happened without any blame being assigned. Then, I would start seeing if I could convince my daughter to share or distract her with something else and hope that the other mom would try to distract her child.
Thank you so much, this is excellent advice. I couldn't figure out how to validate both of their feelings and be as fair as possible.

Up unti now games were more simple so it made sense that if someone was (is) holding something that it is their turn but the turn is over when they put it down. With the play getting more complex it doesn't seem as black and white anymore.
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#8 of 17 Old 07-08-2008, 11:22 PM
 
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I would have told the other child that your DD is playing with the blanket right now and after DD is finished, she can have a turn. I would also tell my DS that we do not grab toys from others hands. Maybe say something along the lines of we ask for it back saying we aren't done playing with it yet. Or I might gently-while explaining that DD was still playing with said item-remove it from her hands.

Kind of sucks in these situations when the other mother only sees part of what happens-the part that makes your DC look bad. :

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#9 of 17 Old 07-08-2008, 11:27 PM
 
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OMG! This is totally why I don't do playgroups.

Alyssa
Mama to Scott (USAF), Katie (18), Karlie (16), Kimmy (9), Klara (4.5), and Baby Khloe (2.5)
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#10 of 17 Old 07-09-2008, 12:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would have told the other child that your DD is playing with the blanket right now and after DD is finished, she can have a turn. I would also tell my DS that we do not grab toys from others hands. Maybe say something along the lines of we ask for it back saying we aren't done playing with it yet. Or I might gently-while explaining that DD was still playing with said item-remove it from her hands.

Kind of sucks in these situations when the other mother only sees part of what happens-the part that makes your DC look bad. :

:
Thank you, this is really good too. Just hearing different ways to frame it will help so much next time.
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#11 of 17 Old 07-09-2008, 09:37 AM
 
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OMG! This is totally why I don't do playgroups.
It's not that big of a deal!! Pretty typical. It happens when just two kids get together too.
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#12 of 17 Old 07-09-2008, 10:13 AM
 
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I would have told the other child that your DD is playing with the blanket right now and after DD is finished, she can have a turn. I would also tell my DS that we do not grab toys from others hands.

Yep, same here.

I actually think its unfair to expect children to share toys like this (its a double standard, adults hardly ever share during games) I simply try to teach that we have to have manners when we say, 'sorry, I was here first'.

Mel - Loving mama and wife to the A team
From little things, big things grow
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#13 of 17 Old 07-09-2008, 10:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I actually think its unfair to expect children to share toys like this (its a double standard, adults hardly ever share during games) I simply try to teach that we have to have manners when we say, 'sorry, I was here first'.
I agree. It would be like if I was making a cake and was getting out the pans and getting the ingredients together and I go to the pantry to get some flour and my husband walks in and takes my cake pan. That's where the rule of "if it's not in their hands, it's fair game" gets tricky.

It can be frustrating to be in those situations when you aren't always on the same page as the other parents. The samechild wil l ask dd if she can play with something that dd has in her hand. DD says no, and then the Mom chimes in, "can she have it? she really wants it?" I tell her that she can play with it when my dd is done. It doesn't make sense to me that she should have to give up a toy that she is already playing with so that someone else can have it. The mom has even asked dd to share her juice with her child. I don't share my drinks or meals with acquaintances so I certainly wouldn't expect dd to. It makes for some sticky interactions.
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#14 of 17 Old 07-09-2008, 11:46 AM
 
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Originally Posted by hergrace View Post
I would have sat by the two girls and talked through the emotions. Something like this.

To your DD: I know you were playing with the blanket and you are upset that she took it, but we don't grab.

To the other girl: I know you are upset that she is grabbing the blanket. DD is upset because she was playing with it when you took it.

That way, the other mom has a chance to hear what happened without any blame being assigned. Then, I would start seeing if I could convince my daughter to share or distract her with something else and hope that the other mom would try to distract her child.
This is what the book I am reading suggests. By doing this, you teach your child how to work issues out on their own.

FYI, I haven't had to deal with this too much yet. My DD is 15 months so distraction still works really well... and reasoning doesn't.
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#15 of 17 Old 07-09-2008, 12:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is what the book I am reading suggests. By doing this, you teach your child how to work issues out on their own.

FYI, I haven't had to deal with this too much yet. My DD is 15 months so distraction still works really well... and reasoning doesn't.
What book are you reading?

I definitely want her to learn how to work out the issues on her own. It's actually a big reason why we go to this playgroup. It gives me the opportunity to talk with her after and give her ideas of what she can say if another kid asks her for a toy or what to say if she wants something or how to ask for some space. She repeats everything back to me and knows a few different things that she can say such as "not now, it's my turn, in a few minutes". In the momenet though she gets too overwhelmed and resorts to yelling (kind of like me, I get overwhelmed and don't know what to say or do so I do nothing). It's good though because I know that at some point she'll be able to speak up for herself.
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#16 of 17 Old 07-09-2008, 02:22 PM
 
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What book are you reading?
I definitely want her to learn how to work out the issues on her own. It's actually a big reason why we go to this playgroup. It gives me the opportunity to talk with her after and give her ideas of what she can say if another kid asks her for a toy or what to say if she wants something or how to ask for some space. She repeats everything back to me and knows a few different things that she can say such as "not now, it's my turn, in a few minutes". In the momenet though she gets too overwhelmed and resorts to yelling (kind of like me, I get overwhelmed and don't know what to say or do so I do nothing). It's good though because I know that at some point she'll be able to speak up for herself.
but my dd (24 mo) was playing at the park with a friend (26 mo) when they both wanted to use the spinning blocks (tic-tac-toe board thing). They both stood on opposite sides and yelled at each other "My turn!", "No, my turn". The other mother and I just had to laugh. At least they were using the right language.

J A with DD1 7/06, lost twins 9/08
DD2 12/09 & DS1 12/09
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#17 of 17 Old 07-09-2008, 02:49 PM
 
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I would have tried to find another blanket or just told dd to wait. She put it down and at this age it's just to hard for the kids to understand even though it wasnt in her hand she's using it.
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