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Help Me (Caution abuse)

3K views 36 replies 26 participants last post by  dadinblue 
#1 ·
Ok here goes. I am hoping that this will be somewhat cathartic as right now I am not talking to anyone else about it.

We were recently on a family holiday. I had a stagette to attend and my dh had a stag the night we got into town. Ds was to stay with my mom overnight. At the last minute she called and said they were going to stay at her boyfriend's because her place is really hot (it is). This bothered me because I had not met the boyfriend but they had been together for over a year. I was in a hurry and dropped ds off and left. The next day my son, the boyfriend and my mom all went to her house. It was hot so my mom was running a bath for ds and was going to the washroom. When she came out ds and the boyfriend were standing next to an ashtray. The boyfriend looked guilty and jumped back. My ds said 'he has an owie'. I guess there had been some inappropriate actions and language before this but when my mom told the boyfriend to stop them he did. My mom suspected that something had happened but did not say or do anything at this point. A week later when ds was staying over again. she asked my son if the boyfriend had an owie and ds said yes and she asked where and he touched her inner thigh. She asked if the boyfriend asked him to kiss it and ds said 'I said no'. She asked if the bf touched ds and he said yes and when she asked where he grabbed his penis.

I got told most of this in a text message the morning we were leaving at about 4am. This was 7 days after the incident and the day after she had questioned ds. The texts were garbled so I called and got the story from my mom.

DH and I went to the police who said because there was no evidence and because ds is 2 (26mo) and he could have been coaxed into saying what he did we really couldn't make charges stick. Even though he told dh the same thing. Basically the boyfriend made my mom look like a vindictive girlfriend although he admitted to inappropriate behaviour (he did not admit to the touching). So basically this guy will get off scot free.

My mom keeps emailing and texting me and at this point I want to just let it go. Ds is happy and not acting out and does not appear to be affected. Although on the other hand I want this guy to pay for what he did. My mom believes that ds should have been questioned and social services should have come in right away.

I don't really know what pushing an investigation and having ds questioned at this point (another week later) would do. If there is no evidence we cannot have him charged right?

I'm just so conflicted and I feel guilty that I let my son near someone I did not know or trust. My dh is really angry at my mom because she acted like nothing happened when he went to pick ds up the day of the incident and was all smiles with the bf. She saw us again midweek and said nothing. She also called midweek and lied about why she had broken up with the bf. We had a wedding the weekend after and ds stayed over then and still she said nothing when we picked him up. She saw a psychiatrist and he says she was in shock. I don't know how I am going to get over this or how dh is going to get past this so we can have a relationship with her again.

Thanks for reading I know it is a bit rambly.
 
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#2 ·
I'm so sorry.

Even if there isn't enough evidence for criminal charges, there might still be enough evidence for a CPS investigation- but I'm honestly not sure if that's the best way to approach this, as the abuser is already out of your lives, and an "indicated" CPS report would only be inviting CPS to observe you for the next year. The most that CPS can do is make sure that the abuser stays away from the abused- and contact law enforcment where appropriate.

I think the best way to approach this is with counseling- mostly for yourself. Work through your own emotions, and learn how to help DS. And I don't think I'd be trusting Grandma again so readily- at least not with some serious boundaries in place, such as "NOBODY comes in contact with DS unless I've approved that individual first."
 
#4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
I think the best way to approach this is with counseling- mostly for yourself. Work through your own emotions, and learn how to help DS. And I don't think I'd be trusting Grandma again so readily- at least not with some serious boundaries in place, such as "NOBODY comes in contact with DS unless I've approved that individual first."
yeah this. Ruthla speaks words of wisdom all the time
 
#5 ·
I am so, so sorry! I agree about the counseling.
I would get a second opinion from the police, though, if only for the sake of protecting other kids-- is this accusation not enough for a search warrant for his computer? if he has child porn, that would be enough to get him on the offender registry...
and
for your little boy.
 
#6 ·
The others all have excellent advice. I agree that you likely don't want to subject your DS to anything more; if he seems unaffected, I think that means he feels heard and protected, though you may want to talk to an expert about that to confirm. But I agree that if there's a risk of this happening again (or if he has a history of this kind of thing already), then you can file a report without pressing charges and at least it will be on his record.
 
#8 ·
Just wanted to offer
. What a horrible thing to go through for all of you, but sending support to you as a mama as my heart really breaks thinking about, as a mother, I would feel if I were in your shoes right now. I'm really glad your DS seems ok.
 
#10 ·
One thing I will say: stop asking him questions about it, and make sure no one else does other than a trained professional (ie child psychologist, social worker experienced with kids, cop who has been through child interview training). It's a delicate, delicate thing when they are so young and don't really know what the full implications are of what has happened. It's very possible for people who aren't sufficiently trained in interviewing child victims to retraumatize the child, to put ideas in his or her head that weren't there before, or to accidentally lead the child to declare that something happened that didn't, or to deny something happening that really did take place.

And as much as I agree that it's horrible the police are not able to take action in this case, the sad fact is it *is* very hard to investigate these cases, which is one reason these "men" get away with so many crimes before getting caught.
The sad fact of the matter is that it *is* possible without intending to at all to lead a child to say something happened that didn't by asking questions the way your mom did. I totally understand the good intentions and what else was she to do? I totally understand. But the sad fact is, the police aren't just messing with you, it's true, it's very very difficult to prove. And usually very very hard on the small child.
 
#11 ·
Since I have a newly three-year-old, I can tell you:

a. I would be totally freaked out by this myself
b. I suspect that like your son, my daughter would think it was odd, but she would not be terribly scared by it.
c. I would really, really press the police to start a file on this person, even if they don't think that enough was done to prosecute in this case. It is NOT ok for them to leave him alone to quietly go about doing this again and again.

Hugs. Take care.
 
#12 ·
I am so, so, so sorry. I would not let this drop, however, as this predator is now free and clear to hurt other children who may or may not be as unaffected as your child appears to be. Call CPS and see what options you may have. I think having them in your life for a year is a small price to pay for helping someone else's child avoid the same experience

I would have a VERY difficult time wanting to salvage any kind of relationship with my mother if she let something like that happen to one of my children. I would certainly never ever let her watch him overnight again. She simply can't be trusted to use good judgment, or even take appropriate action when things are clearly sketchy. Sorry, but I'm with your DH on this one.

I also strongly agree with this.
"One thing I will say: stop asking him questions about it, and make sure no one else does other than a trained professional (ie child psychologist, social worker experienced with kids, cop who has been through child interview training). It's a delicate, delicate thing when they are so young and don't really know what the full implications are of what has happened. It's very possible for people who aren't sufficiently trained in interviewing child victims to retraumatize the child, to put ideas in his or her head that weren't there before, or to accidentally lead the child to declare that something happened that didn't, or to deny something happening that really did take place."

I know my kid was highly suggestible at that age and could totally be led into thinking certain things happened that didn't...their entire world is just so wild at that point. However, I am positive that something inappropriate happened with this guy based on his reaction when your mom came out, and the fact that your mom has told you as much as she has. I am very, very sorry your son had to go through that.
 
#13 ·
I think the most important point to note since the child is *so* young is the potential for retraumatization. Being asked over and over again "did A touch you? Where did he touch you? Did you say no?" and that kind of thing can start to really freak a kid out, even moreso than the initial abuse which, especially if it was a one-time event, he may not have the interpretive power to understand and may actually forget as he grows.
 
#14 ·
I agree with everything about getting counseling for yourself, not repeating this to your ds, etc.

we had a similar enough experience in my family with my mother to watch her go in shock in something like this because it was literally too much for her to bear mentally. That is a natural response.

give this time, and don't let grandma babysit for a while, but let her keep seeing ds while you are around. don't "punish" her.

She will not understand her role in this and learn to make better choices for you, your ds and herself from a place of shame and shock. Your anger is justified absolutely, but not constructive to a solution.

big hugs to you all.
 
#15 ·
I am so sorry. What a terrible situation to be in.

CPS cannot do anything because this bf is not family. You could contact your local "MIssing and Exploited Children" and see if they have any information about this guy. He maybe registered and one phone call could land his butt in jail. They may have other ideas about how to manage the police part.

Here is the website.

http://www.missingkids.com/missingki...Country=en_US&

If the police stated they could not do anything because of the little guy's age, that is pretty accurate to what I have experienced here in NYS (I work with lots of kids who have been abused).

As far as your son, play therapy would be the best option because he could just "play out" the experience if he needs to. The little guy is sounding very resilient and I agree with all the other posters that you must stop asking questions. You will plant ideas in his head along with confusing him about what actually happened.

I hope you to never plan on leaving your son alone with your mother again since there were several incidents and she never said anything to you until later (shock or not. I would not trust that type of response because I am pretty sure it would happen again if she was in any similar situation.) She really placed you and your family in a horrible situation.

Good luck to you. Please keep us posted. Hugs to you and your family.
 
#16 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nillarilla View Post
DH and I went to the police who said because there was no evidence and because ds is 2 (26mo) and he could have been coaxed into saying what he did we really couldn't make charges stick. Even though he told dh the same thing. Basically the boyfriend made my mom look like a vindictive girlfriend although he admitted to inappropriate behaviour (he did not admit to the touching). So basically this guy will get off scot free.
So as long as he keeps his abuse to 2yo and doesn't leave any "evidence", he can continue to do it? That's appalling! Would they agree to charges if a CPS investigation showed the abuse actually happened? Is that evidence enough?
 
#17 ·
This is my problem with the shock argument:

" I guess there had been some inappropriate actions and language before this but when my mom told the boyfriend to stop them he did."

I would expect an adult to have good enough judgment and protective instincts to not continue to leave her own grandchild alone in the presence of someone who had ALREADY committed "inappropriate actions and language". And I would FULLY expect as that little boy's mother to be informed of those well before it got to this point so that I at least could exercise my right to protect my child by not putting him in this situation. I honestly could care less whether she "understands her role in the situation" or not. All that means is that it could happen again where her poor choices lead to my children being hurt. Did she tell you about any of those incidents before this one? I am truly sorry this happened to you, but I cannot imagine how livid I would be with my mother (and we are extremely close) and I can't imagine finding it forgiveable until a very, very long time had passed.
 
#18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by AmieV View Post
This is my problem with the shock argument:

" I guess there had been some inappropriate actions and language before this but when my mom told the boyfriend to stop them he did."

I would expect an adult to have good enough judgment and protective instincts to not continue to leave her own grandchild alone in the presence of someone who had ALREADY committed "inappropriate actions and language". And I would FULLY expect as that little boy's mother to be informed of those well before it got to this point so that I at least could exercise my right to protect my child by not putting him in this situation. I honestly could care less whether she "understands her role in the situation" or not. All that means is that it could happen again where her poor choices lead to my children being hurt. Did she tell you about any of those incidents before this one? I am truly sorry this happened to you, but I cannot imagine how livid I would be with my mother (and we are extremely close) and I can't imagine finding it forgiveable until a very, very long time had passed.
The inappropriate behaviours happened the day before the incident while he was with my mom. It all happened the one weekend. It just should have sent off alarm bells with her and didn't.

I should have mentioned I am in Canada I don't know what CPS is. I think this might be similar to our ministries of children in families.

We have not asked ds about the incident again after we were told about it. Dh asked him after we found out all the facts because my mom did not actually see any of the touching. It all seemed so unbelievable at the time and we questioned whether we should have even done that. My gut said not to talk about it anymore with him hoping that because he is so young he will forget.

Thanks for the support.
 
#19 ·
I'm so sorry this happened to you and your son. I don't have anything to add really, I just wanted to say that I don't think you should leave your son alone with your mother ever again. She has proven that she cannot be trusted to protect your child.
 
#20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nillarilla View Post

I should have mentioned I am in Canada I don't know what CPS is. I think this might be similar to our ministries of children in families.

I do not know the regulations in Canada, but I cannot imagine they are not much different (CPS is Child Protective Services). There should be a hot line number in your phone book if you felt like just making the call to be sure.

Here is something from Cananda about reporting abuse. The website had other information that might be helpful.

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cniv...xagrsex_e.html

Reporting Child Sexual Abuse

If you believe you have reasonable grounds to suspect that a child is being sexually exploited or abused, promptly report your concerns to the child welfare agency, provincial or territorial social services department or police force in your community. In all cases, the person reporting is protected from any kind of legal action, provided the report is not falsely made and motivated by malice.

Where to Go for Support Services

Contact your local

- child welfare agency,
- police department,
- social service agency,
- hospital,
- mental health centre,
- sexual assault centre,
- transition home,
- distress centre, or
- other community service organization that provides counselling to children and families.

Many of these organizations are listed among the emergency telephone numbers on or near the first page of your local telephone directory.

Children who want help can also call the Kids' Help phone at 1-800-668-6868.
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by whalemilk View Post
One thing I will say: stop asking him questions about it, and make sure no one else does other than a trained professional (ie child psychologist, social worker experienced with kids, cop who has been through child interview training). It's a delicate, delicate thing when they are so young and don't really know what the full implications are of what has happened. It's very possible for people who aren't sufficiently trained in interviewing child victims to retraumatize the child, to put ideas in his or her head that weren't there before, or to accidentally lead the child to declare that something happened that didn't, or to deny something happening that really did take place.

I agree with this. (I was a kid therapist for many years before I had my own - dealt with a lot of cases like this, and one thing I learned was how delicate the process is when it comes to little kids) I'm surprised the police didn't involve social services when you first made the report. The procedure is so different depending on where you live, though.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like you've done everything you could to protect your son (which is what social services would have been looking for anyway), and you'll be on the alert from now on so that there's no way this could ever happen to him again. At his age, he's too young to understand that what happened was wrong - not on his part, of course, but on the adult's. When he gets a little older you'll want to explain to him about private parts, and about boundaries with adults. In other words, he should know NO ONE has the right to hurt him, even if it's an adult, and the only people who can touch his private parts are his parents or caregivers and the doctor, if necessary. And then it's for the purpose of taking care of him, no other purpose.

This can be so confusing to little kids, because our bodies are built to respond to touch, so sometimes the abuse can feel "good." That makes it so hard to explain why it's wrong. It's wrong because it's HIS body and the adult was doing what he did to meet his OWN needs. Kids can't understand that kind of abstract stuff until they're much older. I think you're right at this point to not make a huge deal out of it with your son; to take your cues from him as far as what he needs to talk about. I also understand completely your rage at this man and need to see him punished - I wish there was a way to do that. This, to me, is one of the most unforgivable things human beings can do. To take advantage of a little child like that is disgusting. I've seen what it does to kids - it can rip their little lives apart and they are never the same again. One thing I can tell you, though, from my training and experience working with child victims: when it's one isolated event, especially one that did not involve physical injury to the child; when the parents believe the child, remove him from the situation, and take immediate and clear steps to protect the child from any further abuse and any further contact with the abuser.....when these things happen, the children come out just fine. They feel understood, validated, and protected. It sounds like, from what you've said about the situation, that all of these things happened. I agree that counseling would be a very good idea - for you and your dh - your son should not be present. You guys need a place to sort out your feelings and make decisions about what, if anything, you can do about the abuser, what's to be done about your relationship with your mom at this point (she may want to get some counseling herself - I'm glad to hear she broke up with this....person, but I would wonder what led her into a relationship with someone like him, etc. - sexual abuse can't happen without secrecy, and so often families enable the abuser.), and how you want to handle things with your son (do we tell him about this someday if he never seems to remember it? Or do we wait and see if any behaviors develop that seem to be linked to what happened? Etc. Etc.) It might be helpful to look for a therapist that has some experience and expertise with child victims of sexual abuse. You might also look for some books that can help you understand this issue more thoroughly, if you tend to be helped by that. If you're interested, pm me and I can recommend some titles.

Sending you warm vibes and hugs
Try, as best you can, to let go of self-blame (I know that's gotta be hard....even as I'm telling you that, I'm not sure I could do it), so that you can focus on making sure your son has the best possible outcome. It sounds like he's going to be just fine...he's got you to protect him, and you're doing a great job.
 
#22 ·
I just re-read your post a little more thoroughly, and the other replies, and wanted to add that the "inappropriate actions and language" on the part of the bf sound like "grooming," which is a term for when the abuser verbally kind of works on his potential victims to pave the way for the abuse. It's disturbing that your mom didn't take immediate action at that point, and call you guys to come get your son and/or kick the bf out of the house. Uggh.....I'm so sorry, again....I would have such confusing, uncomfortable feelings about my mom if this had happened to my daughter on her watch.

Also, it sounds like you haven't been further questioning your son, following your own instincts, so the first part of my other post was unnecessary - sorry about that.

More


p.s. I agree with a pp that play therapy might be a good thing for your son...ideally you could watch from a window or two-way mirror, and/or the therapist could teach you how to do the play therapy at home in case you feel it's needed in the future.
 
#24 ·
The only thing I'd like to add is to be cautious about your own (understandable) hope that your child will forget this. Forgetting it might not be the best outcome. The poster who said something like "kids who are believed, removed from the situation, etc. will be fine because they are validated, etc." was right on IMO. Remembering it and being able to place it in it's proper perspective might be a better outcome, to whatever extent your child is able to do so - and at that age, it's going to be pretty limited. But "forgetting" might really be secret keeping, which isn't a positive, healthy pattern to begin at that early age (or ever.)
 
#25 ·
Gavin De Becker wrote "Protecting the Gift". There is a great section in there about protecting our children from abuse. It is definitely a wonderful resource for parents and it really might help you address your fears over what occurred with your son and also guard your son from this ever happening again.

http://life.familyeducation.com/safe...ing/36350.html

Sorry for keep coming back, but I really have had a tough time letting go of this story. I just wish people would just leave their hands off kids. It makes me crazy.
 
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