Dh wants to take dd away for 3 days - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 10-22-2003, 10:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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bs"d

Well, my dh wants to take our 15 month old to visit his parents in Ohio (we live in NYC). They won't come visit us here because they hate the city (maybe they are busy, too : ). They usually live in Japan, but are in the States at the present moment and may not be around very long. I would love to go and visit them, but I WOH and am in school part-time and cannot take any time off right now. My mil has only seen dd once since she was born.

So dh has a couple days off work, and he wants to go over and take dd with him for the next 3-4 days. I say it is not a good idea. Dd has been away from me for a maximum of 14 hours or so in the past. She nurses tons when we are together, but is a pretty good eater. She loves solid foods and usually sleeps fine when we are away from home (with me). Still, I think she might lose it if she is away from me for more than 24-36 hours. Dh thinks she can handle it.

So, am I mistaken that my dd cannot make it without me? Or will she be just fine? Maybe this separation will be more painful for me than dd. Or, as I expect, will dd sorely miss me and somehow become really upset and disturbed while she's halfway across the country with her tattie (Dad).

TIA!
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#2 of 15 Old 10-23-2003, 01:30 AM
 
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I wouldn't do it. If your in-laws really want to see their granddaughter, surely they can overcome their dislike of the big city for a few days.

My almost-15 month old ds would go berserk if he were separated from me for that long. He can sometimes go 4 to 5 hours in the daytime if he's with daddy (hasn't happened all that often), but he absolutely needs me to be able to go to sleep happily. He nurses a lot, too.

I think going from a day apart to several days with overnights is a huge, huge leap for a baby that young to make. I think it would be really, really traumatic on your dd to be apart from you for so long. It also might interfere with your nursing relationship.

I hope your dh can persuade his parents that seeing their granddaughter is worth a trip to the city.

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#3 of 15 Old 10-23-2003, 01:50 AM
 
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I wouldn't do it, I couldn't bear to leave my 15 mo dd for that long. IMO it would be terrible traumatic for your dd! If your inlaws want to see the baby they should come to you.
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#4 of 15 Old 10-23-2003, 02:25 AM
 
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If she's still nursing, I wouldn't let her go. I agree that it would be very hard on her to leave you.

If they are traveling, they ought to come see you at your home. Your dd will be at her best, even with having new people around. I'm afraid if he takes her, she'll not only be miserable, but may not take to well to grandma and grandpa.

I sure hope they can understand that she is still a little young yet to be away from mom for so long.
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#5 of 15 Old 10-23-2003, 04:14 AM
 
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I agree with everyone else. I think that a nursing child at this age should not be separated from mommy. I find it very hard to believe that the in laws can't find some time to come visit you and see their grandbaby. If it's not that important to them, so be it. They miss out. I personally find it very difficult to visit people with my two children, so for now, I've made it clear to relatives that they will have to come visit with me if they want to see us very often in the next year or so.
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#6 of 15 Old 10-23-2003, 08:05 PM
 
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The nursing is the real issue here - if she wasn't nursing - I would say send her with him. I left my older two for 2-3 days to have babies when they were 14 and 13 mths old respectivly and they were just fine - but they weren't still nursing. I left a nursing child once overnight (he usually slept through most of the night anyway and was eating pretty well) but I found out when we got back that he had cried all night. I won't do that again.

single mama to 5 (12.5, 11, 10, and 8 year old twins)

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#7 of 15 Old 10-24-2003, 03:25 AM
 
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I agree with everyone else. If she wasn't nursing, and had gone for overnights w/out you before, I'd say fine. But I think she will freak out- it's too much all at once (no nursing AND being away from you, a double whammy).

Your inlaws should come to you.


Kristi

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#8 of 15 Old 10-24-2003, 07:04 AM
 
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I wouldn't do it either.

Also, we do everything as a family, and I would not be comfortable with dh making this type of visit w/o me (a sort of make-the-in-laws-happy thing). We have nearly the opposite problem.... inlaws in Brooklyn, and us in Pittsburgh. They won't visit us.
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#9 of 15 Old 10-24-2003, 08:14 AM
 
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I left my dd with my mother for one night and two days when she was 19 months old but she wasn't breastfeeding anymore.

Did you say you have been away from your daughter for 14 hours? because if so you've been away longer than I ever had before I left my daughter.

Personally, I think than nurturing your family relationships with your baby is very, very important and I can see that you’re not taking it lightly.

Perhaps there is another compromise you could ALL make other than one coming to a city they don’t like and the other taking a separation step you (and your child) probably aren’t ready for.

I can think of a few:
1- cut your trip shorter so that either you could also go or that your child would be away for a shorter amount of time. I think that if your daughter has spent 14 hours away than two days and one night isn’t that big of a stretch.

2-compromise on a location in the middle so they can visit longer with less wasted time traveling and more time visiting.

Okay, so I can only think of two things.

I have friends who have left their children while breastfeeding, although most were older children.

Also, I think you should also factor other things in, like sleeping! If your daughter sleeps well with out you and can go to sleep with out you then I would say that two days would be okay. Our big fear and obstacle when leaving my daughter was that she didn’t ever sleep without me. In the end she was fine and just co-slept with my mother.

This is a poorly written post because I’m rushing but I just wanted to add another perspective.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#10 of 15 Old 10-24-2003, 01:25 PM
 
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are you SURE you couldn't take the time? most professors will allow you to miss and give you the assignments (im also in classes) ...what about if they only go on the weekend?

if you really are sure...


why not ENJOY yourself! stay home and study and work extra hard, get the house all clean, take some time for YOU and be happy.

id give a million dollars for my dh to take mine to see his parents in "NYC". he went out to NYC the other day on business and so he couldn't take the baby (business wouldn't pay babysitter)....I didn't go because the $500+ for airfare seemed too much...it was short notice.


ENJOY your short freedom and get stuff done, when they get back you can give 100% because you wont have a bunch of work and stuff to get in the way of your time.


your lucky.

baby will be fine
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#11 of 15 Old 10-24-2003, 03:09 PM
 
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IMHO, I wouldn't even consider it--nursing or not--that seems too long to be without mama for such a young baby who isn't used to it. I do know people who do it, but I personally couldn't.

Sometimes, you just can't please everyone & make everyone happy. Hope you can reach a compromise that will work out ok.

Good luck to you!
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#12 of 15 Old 10-24-2003, 03:53 PM
 
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I'd say if DH agreed to go for 48 hours (fly to Ohio of course)- let them go. My DD is 15 months also and I really had a hard time leaving her for one night in Sept, for a business trip (I am Work-at-home mom and nursing a lot still)- Surprisingly, to me, DD did fine in my absence. DH kept her busy....although they were at our home and not traveling. It was also good for me, I got to relax for the 1st time in a long time, and I feel much more confident knowing the world won't fall apart w/out me.
DH and I went away for one night two weeks ago and DD stayed w/ my mom at her place. She co-slept better and longer w/ my mom than me!
I guess my advice is go w/ them if you can...or try to let them go ... no more than two nights..it would be too hard on you and your baby to go more than that. If you do let them go make sure you pump, it can get pretty bad as the hours pass.
Good luck in your decision, I know it's hard and gut wrenching, I've been there.
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#13 of 15 Old 10-25-2003, 07:00 AM
 
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I personally wouldn't do it--nursing or not--at that age. That's just way too young, IMO to be away from mom for more than a few hours. I think you have to look deep into yourself and decide what's best. If you don't feel completely comfortable w/ it, it's probably not the right decision. Until very recently, DD had not been away from me for more than 2 hours and even then only w/ DH. These last 2 weeks, however, we've been moving and my mom watched DD on 2 Sundays. One day she watched DD for 4 hours before DD had a melt-dwon from missing me. The next time, DD stayed w/ g-ma for 6 hours (though I did come for a nursing break after about 3 hours). I didn't feel uneasy about the decision at all, though I did call to check on DD a lot at first. DD was okay w/ the situation also. I know that it was the right time to leave DD, where it wouldn't have been before. I would still not be comfortable leaving DD overnight though and wouldn't be more than a 10-15 minute drive away. When we're both ready for longer separations, I'll know it
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#14 of 15 Old 10-26-2003, 12:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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bs"d

Thanks all for the different viewpoints.

I am not "completely comfortable" with dd being away for so long, and so for that reason she won't likely be going.

Dh was planning to drive to Ohio. That means long hours in the backseat for dd. She'd probably be okay with that, but it would be so long for them to come back if dd did need me (I would want them to leave and come back if dd seems too out of sorts).

I would like to meet them in the middle, we'll see what happens with that. I do so want dd to see her grandparents.

My professor cannot give me any time out of class, because the school I am attending has a policy that if you miss more than two classes a semester you get an automatic "F" . I've already missed one in one of the courses.

Thanksgiving recess would be perfect, but they are going back to Japan (where fil works) November 1. What to do? After my classes are over in December it will be much easier (I am not taking any more classes for a while).

Thanks for all the help!
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#15 of 15 Old 10-26-2003, 01:58 AM
 
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Thanks for the update BinahYeteirah....

I was just going to post to see what the decision was.

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