WHEN will she understand NO!!!?!???!?! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 09-01-2008, 02:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, so today is especially stressful and normally, I just know that one day she'll master her impulses. However, TODAY I want to know when "please be quiet, Mommy is trying to listen to torando warnings" will not result in her looking me in the face and YELLING as loud as possible. It's like the more important it is for her to be quiet, the louder and more persistant she is going to be. Sometimes, we can just leave the room but when there is something important I NEED to hear, I NEED her to be quiet. Nevermind it just makes my blood BOIL.

I can deal with her doing pretty much every other thing I ask her not to do or try to redirect her from doing, but this is just KILLING ME. It's not even that it's willful defiance and I'm the parent and she's the kid and all that, it's just freaking RUDE to smirk in someone's face and yell and there is not a dang thing I can do about it.
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#2 of 11 Old 09-01-2008, 02:14 PM
 
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That is frustrating. I sort of just stopped making direct requests like that. I say something either totally unrelated or send them off to do something. Like, instead of saying, "please be quiet, mommy is trying to listen to the weather"...which is basically "wah, wah, wah" to her or an invitation to be even louder ...how about "where is that baby you were holding, can you go and get it so mommy can wrap it in a blanket?" Or, "shhhhhh, I think I hear a kitty cat meowing outside, can you hear it?".

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#3 of 11 Old 09-03-2008, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your reply. It is sometimes hard to get some feedback unless you're a regular

We have had a tough few days of no lights, tornado watches, general bad weather, and other distruptions. I am more than a little jealous of my friends and family who are more authoritarian with their kids. They say sit down, be quiet, and their kids sit down and entertain themselves quietly, just needing occasional reminders. Mine walks and whines and generally makes everyone miserable. I am beginning to think maybe a big chunk of my approach to parenting is just not right. Sometimes I AM the parent and I DO know best and she does need to just trust me and do what I'm asking instead of taking "Please be quiet, Momma is trying to listen" as an invitation to get right in my face and yell. I don't doubt people are using the word "brat" as soon as we leave the room.

I feel like we need to change the way we handle things BIG TIME instead of being so laid back.
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#4 of 11 Old 09-03-2008, 07:29 PM
 
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I was at the kid's dentist once and there was a child acting like that with the dental hygenist. The dentist walked over, looked the child firmly in the eye and cooly said, "That is not acceptable." The kid kicked him so the dentist placed his hand on the kids feet and again said, "That is not acceptable." It took a few more go 'rounds but the kid soon got the idea that any undesireable behavior was going to be met with the same response. The dentist never got upset and the kid was perfect the rest of the time.

I've used the technique a few times and it works. Probably not when you're trying to listen to a warning though. If it's a matter of family safety or security like that, I'd probably stare blankly at her and then remove myself from the immediate area and go someplace else to listen to the report if possible. You have to convey to her that her behavior is not socially acceptable somehow or other either through words or actions.
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#5 of 11 Old 09-03-2008, 10:11 PM
 
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I hope you view these experiences differently when you're in a less stressful situation. My experience with authoritarian families is that, while they may or may not get easy compliance, they are constantly having to reassert and bolster their "authority". If this is just one family you're thinking of when you wish you'd been more authoritarian, I'd say it's a decent chance the kid/kids were just cooperative souls to begin with. Judging by the authoritarian families I know, it may occasionally be more satisfying (after all, power is nice), but usually it's just unpleasant, and it certainly isn't easier. On the other hand, there's a lot more to gentle discipline than just not being authoritarian.

On which note, you might have better luck getting responses to your query on the gentle discipline board. I wish you the best of luck!
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#6 of 11 Old 09-03-2008, 11:46 PM
 
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uhhh- never? LOL I have a very demanding 2 year old, and sometimes I just look at her wondering if I am not doing the right thing by not stepping down hard on her. I mean where's the respect? But then I look at her when she's NOT trying to get my attention, and I realize that I have a very happy little girl... she's positivitly glowing with joy, in between temper tantrums of course, I mean she is 2.
When I get to the point of losing it, I either change my scenery, or I change my focus to her.

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#7 of 11 Old 09-04-2008, 12:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
I am more than a little jealous of my friends and family who are more authoritarian with their kids. They say sit down, be quiet, and their kids sit down and entertain themselves quietly, just needing occasional reminders. Mine walks and whines and generally makes everyone miserable.
I can definitely relate. Mine likes to whine and argue, even as he's doing what I said. I start thinking maybe this gentle discipline thing is not going to work, maybe if I just gave him a swat like my parents would've, he'd listen better. Then I remember how afraid I was of being punished, how I learned to just do whatever I'm told even when I don't know why, how even now I have a hard time making decisions because I don't know what to do if someone's not telling me, how I avoid conflict at all costs because I'm so afraid of it. And I realize, I can't have my son afraid of me. Someday he's going to be strong-willed, independent, and adamant about his own rights, as well as confident about his choices, because now I'm letting him speak up.

Your mileage may vary and all that good stuff, but that's what helps me stick with it (also being reminded by my friends that kids whine and it just takes time helps too).
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#8 of 11 Old 09-04-2008, 07:00 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
Thanks for your reply. It is sometimes hard to get some feedback unless you're a regular

We have had a tough few days of no lights, tornado watches, general bad weather, and other distruptions. I am more than a little jealous of my friends and family who are more authoritarian with their kids. They say sit down, be quiet, and their kids sit down and entertain themselves quietly, just needing occasional reminders. Mine walks and whines and generally makes everyone miserable. I am beginning to think maybe a big chunk of my approach to parenting is just not right. Sometimes I AM the parent and I DO know best and she does need to just trust me and do what I'm asking instead of taking "Please be quiet, Momma is trying to listen" as an invitation to get right in my face and yell. I don't doubt people are using the word "brat" as soon as we leave the room.

I feel like we need to change the way we handle things BIG TIME instead of being so laid back.
How old is your dd? It's hard to gauge what's going on without her age...unless I missed it, which is highly possible with the rate of my brain cell loss for this pregnancy. For instance, if she is 18 months old or something and you have friends whose 18 mos old children listen at the drop of a hat or sit still and be quiet when told the first time...I would imagine they got those results by using a less than gentle approach. YKWIM?
I do agree, there is a time for your child to know when you mean business and to respect that. We actually never used the word "no" with our first dc. We phrased everything as differently as we could, so that when we actually said, "no" he knew we meant business. You should check into the books, "redirecting children's behavior" and "The No-Cry Discipline Solution : Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums and Tears" and also post in the gentle discipline forum and you will get lots more response I think.

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#9 of 11 Old 09-04-2008, 08:24 PM
 
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besides distracting her with questions about her toys or animals or whatever one thing you might try (although it wont work if she is already full boar screaming) when she starts yelling try getting on her level and whispering things to her... like pick up her doll and rock it and whisper to her about how the baby is sleeping. Or whisper about how soft the cat is as you pet it.

It gets her focused on something - you are on her level paying attention to her - and in order to hear what you are so interested in she will have to not be yelling.

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#10 of 11 Old 09-04-2008, 11:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Cutie Patootie View Post
Like, instead of saying, "please be quiet, mommy is trying to listen to the weather"...which is basically "wah, wah, wah" to her or an invitation to be even louder ...how about "where is that baby you were holding, can you go and get it so mommy can wrap it in a blanket?" Or, "shhhhhh, I think I hear a kitty cat meowing outside, can you hear it?".

i agree with CP, sometimes it's easier to direct her towards something else then try and get her to be quiet.

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#11 of 11 Old 09-04-2008, 11:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all the suggestions. I am taking them in, I promise.

She is 2.5, btw. She has a slew of cousins around her age and they're all very active and noisy but when someone says sit down, be quiet - they do. they need reminding sometimes, but they will pipe down a while or move to another room.

I feel like the more I need her to do something, the more she resists. For the most part, we're pretty laid back. It's not often we are in a hurry or we need things to happen RIGHT NOW. Sure, I can change that diaper after you finish what you're doing. Ok, we can brush your teeth when you are done drawing that picture. No reason we can't examine EVERY SINGLE FLOWER on the way to the car. So it's not like I'm ALWAYS dragging her around or making her move on my schedule. And with little things that don't really matter, she's fairly cooperative. But big things or in public? She's GOING to push it and/or try for a scene.

And I may be giving her too much credit, but she has never been easy to distract. It's like she knows EXACTLY what I'm up to and she is just not falling for it.

I know, or at least feel, that what she's doing is pretty normal and has nothing to do with how she's been parented. Much like some kids try hitting and others pick their noses, sometimes it's just a thing they do and it's how you respond that makes the difference. I don't feel like I've caused her to be "hard headed" but I do feel like I want to get us through this phase as quickly as possible without either dragging it out into a battle of wills, or having her decide that it's perfectly ok to ignore mommy or do the opposite of what she asks.
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