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Can the court system/a judge order me to wean?

1K views 8 replies 9 participants last post by  MomOf3boyz 
#1 ·
X-posted in Single Parenting

Ds is almost 18 months. I am in the midst of a divorce/custody battle. Stbx is pushing for 50/50 physical custody - he wants ds for 3.5 days a week at a time. I have made it clear that I am nursing him, and I dont intend to wean until ds shows some sign that he's ready. So far, he has shown NO signs of giving up his nursies. He nurses at least 5-6 times in a 24 hour period. This is typical:

5am: wake-up, nurse, then goes back to sleep for a couple hours
7am: *usually* nurses before getting up for day
12pm: nurses before nap
3 or 4pm: quick nursie snacks in the afternoon
7pm: nurses before going to bed
10-11pm: wakes (at least) once to nurse before I come to bed
3(?)am: *usually* wakes sometime in the wee hours to nurse. I think these are becoming more infrequent, though sometimes I dont wake up, so its hard to tell.

In the last 6 weeks, the ex's visitation has been:
Monday: 8 hrs (10am-6pm)
Wed: 21 hrs (2pm - 11am Thurs morning)
Sat: 9 hrs (9am -6pm)

Ds has NOT done well w/this schedule, and I have been powerless to change it so far. When he comes back to me, he nurses non-stop, around the clock (all-night too). He's also had other behavioral issues. Stbx, his lawyer, and my lawyer all have expressed the opinion that its time to wean, so that these visits get easier for ds. I think weaning him would be all that much MORE traumatic/devastating for him. At least right now, when he comes home to me, he takes comfort in being able to nurse and reconnect with me. One of my arguments for not sharing 50/50 is because ds is nursing, but because he is over 1 year old, the courts don't "take it into consideration" (much to my disgust).

So my question is this, if stbx insists on sharing 50/50 physical custody, can a judge really order this, knowing full well that I'm nursing? Essentially, he would be ordering that I wean my son. Can stbx/his lawyer insist that I wean (legally, I mean)? They have already stated that I should wean because somehow my nursing relationship interferes with stbx's relationship w/ds (which we all know is crap, but you know...). Stbx is pretty adamant that I wean. And I'm wondering, am I arguing w/him for no reason? Should I just say, "you're right, I should wean him", then ignore them all and continue to nurse?

We have mediation coming up in 2 days, and I know this is going to come up, so I'm trying to figure out how much of a platform I have to stand on. They (stbx/lawyer/a judge) cant FORCE me to wean, can they?

Thanks for any input.
 
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#2 ·
I hope not.

I would bring in articles from WHO and the AAP that says you should nurse for 2 years for max benefit. In most places as the mom to a young child you have good chance of getting better than 50/50. IMO you can and should go for full custody. He needs to nurse while going through this traumatic time in his life. What better way to comfort a child. I feel for you mama.
 
#3 ·
Um.... mama I am a legal secretary and I hear it and see it. The Judge will see this as interfering w/ Dad's time w/ DS and can order that the child go for the parenting time w/ dad. You can choose to wean or not, but you will not be able to nurse on those days and now that he is over the age of 18 months you really wont get a Judge to bend on that.

In the courts eyes dad's have equal and full right to 50% of the parenting time w/ a child and at 18 months he is able to be without nursing for the period of time that dad would take him so a Judge is going to order that.

I am sorry your aren't happy mama. : (
 
#4 ·
I'm sorry you and your child are in such a tough situation.

You might what to contact LLL for legal info. They have lawyers that can point you in the right direction if not help you out.

Do you think that you could pump and send milk for your child on stbx's days? Your child could drink the milk from a cup, a sippy or a bottle. It might help your child to feel closer to you while at Dad's.
 
#6 ·
I've BTDT. My advice would be to NOT talk about the nursing as an issue. Mainstream America doesn't care if your 18 month old is nursing. You and I may think it's essential, but others in the system will most likely see it as an excuse and an interference in parenting time. Don't even bother printing out WHO or AAP articles. You're wasting time and money. Instead, focus on stability, consistency, and the fact that an 18 month old doesn't have any concept of time and wouldn't understand or develop well with a 50/50 split. In fact, I wouldn't even mention nursing to the ex, but I was burned by this Very hard and so I may be biased. Good luck.
 
#7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by TearyCloud View Post
I've BTDT. My advice would be to NOT talk about the nursing as an issue. Mainstream America doesn't care if your 18 month old is nursing. You and I may think it's essential, but others in the system will most likely see it as an excuse and an interference in parenting time. Don't even bother printing out WHO or AAP articles. You're wasting time and money. Instead, focus on stability, consistency, and the fact that an 18 month old doesn't have any concept of time and wouldn't understand or develop well with a 50/50 split. In fact, I wouldn't even mention nursing to the ex, but I was burned by this Very hard and so I may be biased. Good luck.
I think TearyCloud is right. My best friend went threw this over the last 18 months and her little one was 11 months when he had to go to dad every other weekend and a few week nights. She pumped and sent milk and he drank bottles. It was very hard on all 3 of them (also has a 3 yr old). She still has a wonderful nursing relationship and he is over 2 yrs old now despite being with dad 40% of the time.
 
#9 ·
I hate to suggest this, because I know nursing is a special bonding time for you, but would it be possible for you to pump milk ahead of time for your son? If dad could offer him mommy's milk in a sippy cup, maybe that'd help your son feel somewhat close to you while you're away.

I am sorry that you're going through this.
 
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