(D)H wants me to stop nursing to sleep - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 03-16-2005, 10:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Nm
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#2 of 19 Old 03-16-2005, 10:43 PM
 
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I really think that you should tell your dh just how bad you feel. Does he really know just how important this is to you. Maybe there's some sort of compromise that can be reached, like if you put the baby in bed together. He could do bathtime and read her a story and maybe sing to her while you nurse. Just a suggestion, but if I were you I would really let him know just how much this is hurting you. You shouldn't feel like you have to wean your dd when the both of you just aren't ready.

Sarah knit.gif married to Micah, mama to dd1 (9), dd2 (7) and ds (2). We love to homeschool.gif h20homebirth.gif goorganic.jpgchicken3.gif
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#3 of 19 Old 03-17-2005, 05:07 PM
 
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I can understand how you feel w/ your dh not supporting what you know is best. I'm glad to hear your dc isn't screaming.

My dh was not at all supportive of any of what I wanted/needed to do for our dd until she was 15 months old and we went to a LLL conference. It changed our lives. I'm so grateful I was able to get him to go.

I agree about trying to compromise w/ him; let him know that you want to him to feel a part of things, but aren't ready to stop nursing to sleep. And you said that he wants #2, but your AF hasn't returned. If you are generally only nursing 2x's a day and don't have it back, you may be one of the women who don't get it back until you're already done (but know that just because you're not getting your period, it doens't mean you're not fertile).

I hope he'll understand or at least sympathize with your feelings. Let us know how you make out.

Good luck,
Sus

Baby the babies while they're babies so they don't need babying for a lifetime.
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#4 of 19 Old 03-17-2005, 05:23 PM
 
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If he truly just wants to be involved, that can solved without ceasing to nurse to bed. With my dd (19 mos.), I give her a bath and get jammies on, then dh reads to her. She usually asks for mama after a few books, and I go in and nurse her. Then after she's done and if she cries out, dh goes and lays with her (she's on a single mattress on the floor) till she's asleep.

However, it sounds like involvement isn't all he wants. He probably thinks the nursing is preventing your fertility from returning. And that's a separate issue.
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#5 of 19 Old 03-17-2005, 05:25 PM
 
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I think what he's doing is very sexist and immature...putting his need to put her to bed ahead of your needs/rights about your body and your nursing relationship....

saying HE wants another child (do you? do you want him to tell you how you can and cannot nurse that one as well?) He sounds jealous. I guess that's what happens when little boys aren't nurtured the way they need in a culture like ours.

The health and emotional benefits of nursing are so valuable, that he honestly seems selfish to me. But the other moms above may have a more diplomatic approach.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#6 of 19 Old 03-17-2005, 06:17 PM
 
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He should know that putting her in the crib & walking out is not going to work (as proven by the 10billion books on getting your baby to sleep!) and most dads appreciate the ease of nursing the baby down.... quick & quiet! As far as getting your cycle back, at 14 mo I don't think that's going to be TOO far off anyway, why stress out the baby to gain a few (if that) early months of fertility? Ask him if he's sure he wants to deal with child care while you deal with "morning" sickness. That would cause my husband to bail right there! Probably not much help, but good luck sorting it out.
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#7 of 19 Old 03-17-2005, 06:28 PM
 
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My DH also asked me to stop nursing DS to sleep. I didn't think it was selfish or mean. He really wanted to help and it was frustrating to him that he could never get DS to fall asleep if I wasn't around.

But just because you aren't nursing her to sleep doesn't mean you have to cut out a feeding altogether. DS only nurses in the am and at night. We made it a part of our sleep routine. We eat dinner, then sit on the couch together. DS nurses and DH& I talk about our days. Then whoever's turn it is takes DS upstairs, changes him, reads him a story, sings to him and then puts him in bed.
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#8 of 19 Old 03-17-2005, 07:20 PM
 
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He sounds like he's being a jerk. Your DD will stop nursing when she is ready. 13 mos. is so tiny still! He has no right to make a unilateral decision about something that's really not his business: your relationship with your DD.

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#9 of 19 Old 03-17-2005, 09:32 PM
 
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We use a routine that relies heavily on Daddy time, ds loves it and would never let me do daddy's part, so dh feels he is a necessary part of the routine. I just come in at the end to nurse ds. I don't see what the frustration is, if all he wants to be able to do is put her down and walk out of the room, of what value to him is that brief experience going to be? Wouldn't it be a more fulfilling activity for both of them, to spend time doing a nighttime routine with her instead of just plopping her down and leaving?? Maybe he feels a little helpless due to the fact he has nothing that can live up to the power of the nursies,:LOL and combined with some unrealistic expectations about how a 14 month old should fall asleep, it's causing conflict.

I would definitely tell him how much you look forward to that special time with dd each night, and how you'd miss it. It's only going to last a short time anyway, and it's not fair for him to try to end it just to satisfy his ego. I would personally put my foot down, especially in a situation where he is imposing his will in a way that would eliminate 50% of her remaining nursing sessions. No way would I comply with that.
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#10 of 19 Old 03-18-2005, 02:46 AM
 
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My dh is very involved in the bedding down process; sometimes i nurse ds on the sofa then dad takes him up for bath/diaper and he sleeps with him. I was so sleep deprived when ds was about 18 mos I begged dh to step up and help me out; the nursing down and nursing every 2 hours was pushing me over the edge (i actually sleep in another room, then nurse first thing in the morning and all day). I know everyone's body is different, but my ds is 3 weeks shy of his 2nd bday and still no sign of AF... so eliminating the night nursing didn't do the trick for me anyway; but the baby I'm nursing still has needs that supercede the next baby I hope to have. (After ds#1 AF came back a month after he weaned at 15 mos.) All said, i would be very sensitive if i felt like dh was forcing my hand to wean if it was serving HIS needs in any way.

ds 9-00
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#11 of 19 Old 03-21-2005, 03:04 PM
 
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My boys both still nurse then cuddle to go to sleep at two and a half and 18 mo, and guess what? Both my husband and parents can get them to go to bed, very well.

The only time they insist on nursing is when they know I am around.
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#12 of 19 Old 03-21-2005, 04:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaTT
My boys both still nurse then cuddle to go to sleep at two and a half and 18 mo, and guess what? Both my husband and parents can get them to go to bed, very well.

The only time they insist on nursing is when they know I am around.
Me too - DH would never be able to put DD down, as long as I was in the house. But he has no problems putting her down when I am out, nor do our babysitters.
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#13 of 19 Old 03-21-2005, 11:51 PM
 
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Hugs, it's so obvious that you're not ready for this. Talk to dh and do what you feel is right. Like you said he has other ways of bonding with your little one. Maybe you should also read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I've heard that that's helped a lot of women who are trying to conceive while bfing.
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#14 of 19 Old 03-22-2005, 12:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sarah_bella1050
I really think that you should tell your dh just how bad you feel. Does he really know just how important this is to you. Maybe there's some sort of compromise that can be reached, like if you put the baby in bed together. He could do bathtime and read her a story and maybe sing to her while you nurse. Just a suggestion, but if I were you I would really let him know just how much this is hurting you. You shouldn't feel like you have to wean your dd when the both of you just aren't ready.

That's what we have done with our daughter since day one (our son wasn't nursed). DH gives her a bath, puts her in her diaper and pajamas (this is always fun for them because he tickles her and blows on her belly and all that) and reads her a story. Then mommy comes in and we nurse to sleep (used to rock to sleep and then put her in crib but she's been in a twin bed since 22 months so now I just lay with her and nurse her to sleep). Compromise is good and I think the one mentioned would be a good compromise but to be honest I don't think a partner should have any say in how often, when or how long you nurse. The only two people who have a say are me and my daughter (who by the way is 28 months and will be self-weaning and my DH is fine with that - not like he had a choice! :LOL )

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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#15 of 19 Old 03-22-2005, 01:06 PM
 
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I forgot to comment on the having another baby thing. Coming from someone who's been there - bad idea! My son was 13 months old when I got pregnant with my daughter. He wasn't nursed (health reasons) but was very attachment parented - I was always holding him and I rocked him to sleep for every nap and bedtime and that took quite awhile. He only wanted mommy. For some reason in my first-time parent brain I thought that at almost 2 he would be ready for a sibling, that he wouldn't be so needy. Yeah right! It was such a horrible adjustment. He still is a really sensitive boy but back then - let's just say he didn't adjust well and neither did I. It took us over a year to even be able to stop our heads from spinning. There is no rush - let me repeat - there is no rush! Your daughter is still such a little baby - let HER be the baby and when she isn't any longer then have another. Of course this is just my opinion - take it for what its worth.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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#16 of 19 Old 03-22-2005, 01:10 PM
 
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yes, we're another with a 2.5yo who was just so not ready... Depends on temperament of course, but dang, I won't do that spacing again.
amy in ys
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#17 of 19 Old 03-22-2005, 01:53 PM
 
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(adding after my previous post) got pg two mos before ds#1 turned 2; ds#1 has pretty much been an easy guy, thank God because ds #2 is a challenge in any and every way. Now ds#2 will be two in a couple weeks and he is in no way ready to give up being the baby. I know if I got pg again before his baby-needs are fulfilled that he'd act like the proverbial "middle child", acting out for attention. Being that nursing is still suppressing my af, it's obvious mother nature knows whats best for me and my baby anyway, even if I don't. My personal experience, with my personal kids, is that I can't successfully manage them any closer than 2.5 years. When I am confident that my baby is no longer a baby, I'll get pg then, and enjoy the additional 9 mo buffer. DH knows better than to push because while the new baby would become my primary responsibility, every minute he is home he would have the two boys to take care of.
Also, I prematurely weaned #1 at 15 mos to get af/pg again, and it took over 8 months to get pg, the whole time me regretting that I ended nursing the baby I already had for the hopes of a baby that wasn't even conceived yet.
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#18 of 19 Old 03-22-2005, 02:08 PM
 
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I don't know if this will help, but our son is nursing (19 months) and I remember right around 14-15 we considered night-weaning him because getting him to go to sleep was impossible. I really didn't want to do it but we were at the end of our rope and so exhausted.

I tried a couple of nights that were just horrible, so we ditched that idea and just kept nursing. Then, right around 17-18 months, my son just clicked, I think he finally had the cognitive ability to really understand "it's time for sleep" and now he does it--it's not perfect by any stretch, but I can tell him, "Mommy's breasts are sleeping now," and he'll get mad, but will lay down and go to sleep.

Time is on your side. I say try to hang in there for just a couple more months, your daughter will start hitting these developmental milestones that will allow her to be reasoned with a little better.

Hope that helps.
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#19 of 19 Old 03-22-2005, 02:30 PM
 
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yea, that whole second year of night nursing can be a drag. teeth, big baby, etc. But both my first two really "got it" about falling asleep right around 2 exactly. Also more easily night weaned at 2.5ish.

amy in ys
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