"If you'd wean him I could keep him over night..." says my mom - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 05:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ewwww. I don't like when she says wean. I was not breast fed and at the EXACT 1 year mark, his birthday, my mom asked when I'd wean him. What is with that arbitrary day, geez! I love my mother dearly and I don't want to make her think I think she was a bad parent for not nursing me. I'm sure ALOT of us weren't bfed. But she doesn't get it. My folks live 1500 miles away and I'm going to go visit them this summer with ds. She made the comment about weaning him so I could leave him with her and I could go into town and spend the night with my friends. First of all I wouldn't dream of weaning him for that reason only any way. I don't WANT to spend a night away from him yet. How lonely...for both of us. I have girlfriends that leave there YOUNG babies with their moms who live in the same town as them so they can have a night out on the town. That just doesn't suit me. These babies aren't bfed either. Ugh. I just know what she thinks about Manu nursing at his old age of 13 months. I know she thinks it's out of control and I'm way too clingy. Same thing goes for the cosleeping. I hate feeling like this. Im not strong when it comes to my mom. She makes me feel like such a silly little twit and I fumble and bumble my words and I sound like a real idiot when I try to explain.

Is it weird that I don't want my baby to stay over night with his grandma?...someone who loves him and who he would be very safe with?

Just one of those doubtful times...need some support.
(Mama has a way of doing that to me )

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#2 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 05:52 PM
 
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You're not weird at all. I'm not planning on leaving my DD with anyone overnight until at least past 2 years old. Nevermind breastfeeding. I am of a strong opinion that babies should be with their mamas (and daddies) Nursing on top of it, well it just isn't practical for me to leave DD with anyone.

You're right. Mom is wrong. (probably caring and a good grandma, but wrong)

hang in there!

-Angela
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#3 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 05:53 PM
 
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lol wean is a yucky word, maybe I'll bf forever just so I never have to say it....

no, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to leave your baby. I don't want to leave my KITTEN, let alone child. On the other hand there would be nothing wrong with doing it either, if you were comfortable- try to understand that some people do need the night out because it's their personality- not mine or yours, but theirs. And I have a very close relationship with my grandmother because I was left with her so much, so it's not all negative. I really loved staying over her house when I was young, even as a toddler.

but you should wait until you want to, otherwise how are you even going to have a good time, and isn't that the point? why leave your baby when you'd be happier with him?

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#4 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 05:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna
You're right. Mom is wrong. (probably caring and a good grandma, but wrong)
: Go with your gut and do it when you and baby are ready, not your mom.
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#5 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 06:01 PM
 
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Your dc is still a BABY! And as such, you should treat him like a baby, nurse, co-sleep and be there for him. And as for your mom, just let her know, you are the mom, these are your decisions, and that's how it is. We each get to screw up our kids in our own special way! (Not that I think you are doing ANYThing wrong, I just like telling my mom that line, it implies she did something wrong without pointing any fingers I guess I'm a little twisted.)

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
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#6 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 06:12 PM
 
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I know how you feel, my "baby" is 5, and I still don't want to leave him overnight with grandma! My DH wants to take him on the road with him for a week this summer (he's a trucker), and while I think it's a great idea and Michael will love it, how will I ever cope?! Go with your gut, there is nothing abnormal about not wanting to be seperated from your baby.
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#7 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 06:14 PM
 
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I know exactly what you mean- my mom only BFed me for 6 weeks because of the stress of her life (no support, no help, my Dad not helping, etc) and I think for her sanity it was an ok choice. BUT I love BF and now every time I get upset she says "why don't you just switch him to a bottle" and it REALLY pisses me off. I will be going back to school in the fall and Grey will be 6 months old and she will be keeping him and she keeps saying "you'll HAVE to switch him then"... umm... NO thats what pumping is for!

I also will not let him sleep over anywhere unless he specifically asks to one day when he's older. I don't understand why anyone would want to leave their baby for such a long time- and I HATE it when MIL talks about wanting him to sleep over-"sorry I'm breastfeeding" I always use as my excuse- just another reason to BF longer

just remember you are doing the right thing for your child and she probably just feels guilty for not BF or like my mom honestly thinks breast milk and formula are virtually the same

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#8 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 06:22 PM
 
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You're not weird at all; I think it's very, very normal for a mother, especially a nursing mother, not to want to be separated from her baby. My mom and stepmom have both said what yours did and I still won't do it now (at 17 months), or for years to come. I too had a very loving relationship with my grandmother (more like a mother), but the time will come for overnights/weekends away, when he's quite a bit older. (My mother thinks she's going to get him for the whole summer then - forget it!)
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#9 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 07:36 PM
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A very familiar situation. My dd was two last month and mil still asks me almost monthly "are you still nursing her" and wonders when she will get to have dd overnite. Last time we visited her, she went so far as to tell dd that soon she would be staying with grandma overnite. DD still cosleeps! DD freaked and cried and whined for a while and would not have anything do to with mil for about an hour. It took a lot of reassurance from us that she could "nigh" and cosleep as long as she wanted. MIL probably thought we were nuts but oh well. She is our child and I am in no hurry to push her to grow up!
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#10 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 08:20 PM
 
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Its not weird at all. It would be weird for you to go against your momma instincts.

I'd say, "Mom he's only going to be little for so long, he has the rest of his life to have sleepovers at your house."

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#11 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 09:55 PM
 
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My MIL finally gave up on keeping dd overnight, I think; there are a lot of reasons we wouldn't let our kids stay overnight with her, not just breastfeeding.

I still haven't let dd spend the night away from either dh or I. I did leave her (she was still at home, in our bed, w/ dh) after she was... 2? 2 and a half? Somewhere in there. Another time when she was three. She had a lot more trouble with the time when she was three (she was closer to four, though), and I've purposely made sure that we've not had to do it again. And she's 4 1/2! I just plain don't want to leave her, and she doesn't want to leave us. Granted she's 'barely' nursing now, but she likes having her options open. :LOL

Kash, homeschooling mommy to Gillian (8/5/00) and Jacob (3/23/05)
and Brigid Eleanor (11/20/08)
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#12 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 09:58 PM
 
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I don't think you're weird for not wanting to spend the night away from your son. I had to go on a work trip right after my DD's 1st birthday, leaving her with my parents for two nights. I wouldn't have gone if I had a choice, and I didn't sleep a wink the whole time! My DD was fine with my parents, who we visit all the time. She wouldn't take a bottle, but I pumped while I was gone.

I think your mom is sweet to offer to keep your son - lots of moms do like having nights out. We have the same issue with my MIL. She lives 1500 miles away and only sees our DD once or twice a year. She always wants to babysit for us, but we know that DD wouldn't be comfortable alone with her all evening, since she's not used to her. Would that be a better "excuse" with your mom than breastfeeding? I just emphasize my DD's young age, and say that she'll probably be glad to stay with grandma when she gets a little older.

Also, I bet your mom will come around on the bf'ing and co-sleeping thing once she sees up-close how they're benefitting her grandchild.

Hope you have a great trip!

Best,
Nichole
mom to Marlena born April 2002

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#13 of 30 Old 04-27-2005, 11:56 PM
 
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Honestly I dont get the whole baby-going-to-grandma's-for-the-night thing. My mom lives 10 minutes away. There is no reason for me to leave my kid with her. And my ILs live 3 hours away. My kids stay there when we go to visit and we all stay. I dont want my kids staying with the grandparents. Their houses are death traps and they are all losing it.
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#14 of 30 Old 04-28-2005, 12:02 AM
 
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That's so funny, my mom used to say the same thing to me. I think it was just an excuse because she wanted to seem like she'd enjoy to have ds overnight, but didn't really want to! She knew I wasn't going to stop nursing any time soon, so that was a safe bet ,"You know, he could spend the night here when he stops nursing" along that line. He's 2 now, still nursing, and I still wouldn't be comfortable leaving him if he wasn't really excited about it. My brothers and I stayed at my grandma's house about once a week from the time we were babies, so she became like a mom to us and we loved to go there. Differences in my mom's and my parenting strategies make me hesitant to "allow" her to become that person for my son, if that makes sense. I just want her to be grandma!
my sil started leaving her dd overnight at grandma's when she was just a little baby, and by the time she was 1, she was always wanting to spend the night there.
I think it'd be nice once in a while, but only if the grandma respects your choices as a parent and doesn't try to step in and make decisions based on her own parenting ideas.
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#15 of 30 Old 04-28-2005, 12:45 AM
 
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Just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread. I've been experiencing the same pressure to wean and leave my 12-mth-old DD overnight with my MIL. AS IF!!! Keep doing what's right for you and your baby. Your feelings are not weird at all!
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#16 of 30 Old 04-28-2005, 09:57 AM
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No, I don't think you're weird. I've never left my 26 month old overnight, either, and he's weaned!

I would just say, "Mom, that's so nice of you to offer, but this is how we are doing things now. Our pediatrician supports us. Thanks anyway."

End of discussion. Just don't make it a topic of debate. State your piece simply and change the subject.

Good luck!
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#17 of 30 Old 04-28-2005, 02:54 PM
 
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The first time my oldest (now 5) stayed all night with out me or dh was when we went on our honeymoon austin was 16 months at the time and had stoped nursing about 13-14 months or so. he stayed at our house with my mom or mil the whole week we were gone and did great he got to cosleep with grandma and they all respected my parenting ways. I was more tramitized then him just ask dh how had to listen to me cry for about 3 hours after we left!! LOL
Then dd1 never stayed a night away from me or dh till she was about 26 months and that was b/c i was going to the hospital at 5am to be induced with dd2. She did well but again she was with big brother and they both got to cosleep with great grandma.
None of my family memeber have ever "pressured" me into keeping my kids over ngith but they are within 10 min drive of my house so if they do stay once in a while i know i can go pick them up if need be. Ds is 5 now and has started to stay over night at his cousins house but i'm kinda uncomfy with that so the cousin comes her most the time.
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#18 of 30 Old 04-28-2005, 04:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow! I guess I'm not the only one! I appreciate all the responses. I guess I also feel kind of bad since I really want my son (and future kids) to know my parents. They're great, sweet people. My brother started leaving his dd with them at 10 weeks or so. I think that's totally wacky. But when my mom says it she makes it sound like they are better parents for it or something...at least that's how I take it anyway. She also told me that I need to drop him off at a mothers-day-out. I NEED to. I never did that at all. I never had a baby sitter. Why do I need to put my son in someone else's care? I really think she thinks I just clingy as hell. Like I'm forcing him to nurse or something. Ugh. This AP thing is easy on me...other people make it hard!

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Mama to DS1 (4/04) DS2 (HBAC 11/06) DS3 (HBAC 12/08) DS4 (HBAC 1/11). Wife to one handsome hard working DH.
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#19 of 30 Old 04-28-2005, 06:06 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amarasmom
Its not weird at all. It would be weird for you to go against your momma instincts.

I'd say, "Mom he's only going to be little for so long, he has the rest of his life to have sleepovers at your house."
Awesome response.

My mom didn't bfd us but is totally supportive of my sister and I. She doesn't say things to be mean or unsupportive, she just doesn't know. I told her the same thing as above though and it was taken kindly....I love my mom to death also. She did the best with the info she had at the time..
I grew up in a loving home..

Michelle, vegan mama to my two sweeties, L, 4/21/04 and C, 10/29/06 married to my Bryce for 20 years.

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#20 of 30 Old 04-28-2005, 06:40 PM
 
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I have three children and one on the way. My older two, ages 6 and almost-5 sleep over Gramma and Papa's house. They started having sleep overs only after they nightweaned themselves and only when they asked if they could! My parents knew from the start that if either child wanted mama or daddy during the night, that they should call us. They never had to because our children were ready.

Our almost-3 year old continues to nurse at night and says she'll only sleep at Gramma and Papa's if Mama sleeps there too! She's not ready, so she won't sleep over.

My mom made a comment soon after finding out that I'm pregnant once again that "You and Jim will never have a night out to yourselves!" I asked, "What's so important to you about us having a night out?" to which she gave me a puzzled look. :LOL I explained that right now we'd much rather have kids, and have some wonderful nights IN (nice dinner and a movie, only at home!).

I think sometimes our moms project what they wanted when they were moms of young kids onto us rather than accepting the possiblity that we're doing what is best for our family, and that having kids is, at the moment, more important to us than having a night out with the girls.

That said, my mom is always happy to babysit when I have a "Mama's Night Out" with friends, which usually take place from 4-7pm (before bedtime) and we bring our young nurslings along!

Mama to A (12), Z (11), H (9), C (5), A (3) and 4 angels. 

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#21 of 30 Old 04-29-2005, 01:49 PM
 
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I got this from my DH - If you wean him, we could go somewhere overnight! I bit my tongue and counted to ten before going with the least offensive comment I could think of - "Like where?" Well, he couldn't come up with anything. I think he just wanted the option, so I pointed out that I don't have to wean completely for my DS to survive a night without nursing. That made him feel good, even though inside I'm thinking to myself, there's no way I'm leaving him behind anytime soon, but I'll bring that up when DH comes up with some place to go!
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#22 of 30 Old 04-29-2005, 02:08 PM
 
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My ds is almost 3 1/2 and has only spent two nights away from me (both with DH). He has coslept with my folks a couple to times when we have visited them. I'm okay with that since if he had a problem I would be handy. My ds weaned a bout 8 months ago and I think would be okay (me I'm not so sure about it ). He said last weekend he would like to stay at his aunt and uncle's overnight. When my dh asked him were he would sleep he said "With Uncle Clay and Aunt Wendy" and gave us a look like "where else would I sleep?"
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#23 of 30 Old 04-29-2005, 02:27 PM
 
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Hardest thing I ever did was leave my 18 month and 3 year old with my mom for a week that turned into 3. Kids had a blast and so did the grandparents. We were moving and packing and it seemed easier. (after I had taken them 2 days away to g'mas DH's class was extended, out of my control)
That started a yearly request for the grands every summer. I took them up on it again when they were 6 & 8 or 7 & 9 and it was super hard. I just can't. Mom asked again last summer for then 14 and 12 maybe 5 yo and I had to say no. Part of it is money. Part of it is our families. I do want them to know them. We do need to live where we do to maintain a lifestyle we are accustomed to on the $$ available. (if we moved closer it would require working more hours to have less than we do now) I cherish my summers with my grandparents. My sister does also (we seperated in the summers and she went to the other set) My kids won't have that.

Funny, now that we "have so many kids" DH is very possesive of them and refuses to concider sending any of them away for any reason.
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#24 of 30 Old 04-29-2005, 03:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoebe
What is with that arbitrary day, geez!
Didn't you know bm turns to Kool-Aid on this day? :LOL

Hey, my DD just turned 3, and I still haven't spent a night away from her. Sure, as she got older and slept through more of the night, I could stay out later, but I still haven't gone away for a night. Not even when my employer asked me to do an annual overnight IT project when she was 16 mos. I said that she was just too young for that, and that maybe I could do it the next year (thank god they never asked me to do it again!)

The period when you child needs you so intensely at night is really a short blip in the course of things. In a few years, DC will be able to enjoy sleepovers with family and friends. But do it because he enjoys it, not to fill an adult's needs. But nighttime parenting really never ends, as friends with teenagers remind me! Maybe DC doesn't need a nurse or a cuddle or to chase the montsters away, but needs you to come and pick them up from a house party that's gone bad. Guess what, our kids need us 24 hours a day.

Sometimes others pressure us to reaffirm that their own, different parenting choices were good, forgetting that different kids and families need different things. Just let your mum know that this is working for you. Stand your ground, and trust your own choices. Sounds like you are doing a great job.
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#25 of 30 Old 05-01-2005, 02:43 AM
 
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you know, the idea of weaning my 17mo DD is almost laughable- I'd like to be there when someone looks her in the eye and tries to explain to her that she doesn't get anymore "jug juice" (my DH coined the term). I can just imagine the look on her face! She would probably just give them that little stare that says, uh, yeah, right and go about her business.

I didn't know how long I would want to BF- at first I said that I wouldn't want to after they had teeth (then I realized how early that can be) and then I said that I wouldn't want to after they coudl ask for it because that seemed wierd but I"ve gotten over that pretty quickly.

I understand what you mean about it being more difficult to stand up to your mom about these things. I have always been close to my mom and I just always assumed that I would do things just teh same way as her... then I discovered BFing and cloth diapers and co-sleeping...etc, etc, etc... and it's been all down hill from there. She's been really supportive about the BFing but it's been the co-sleeping that is hard for her...
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#26 of 30 Old 05-01-2005, 10:28 AM
 
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Here's my odd situation. DH was BFed until past his 3rd birthday. You'd think my MIL would be super-supportive, right? Well, she is - but only sort of. I swear she's been trying to get me to wean (DS is 20 months) since he was around a year just so she can take him. A couple times when we've had some family emergencies, she's volunteered to take him for several days while we take care of the situation (i.e. funerals out-of-state). When I've told her that she can't because he's used to nursing at night or whatever, she says 'oh, I'm sure he'll adjust better than you think he would.' I hate that because it feels like she's discounting the importance of nursing in his little world. Then, a few weeks ago, she said something about taking him and I said I wasn't going to wean him just so he could stay with her and she said 'oh, I didn't realize you were still doing that.' WTF??? She's so hard on people who DON'T extended BF, so she was obviously assuming the worst about me (in her mind).
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#27 of 30 Old 05-01-2005, 11:24 AM
 
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The only time I have left my older son ovenight is when I was in the hospital delivering #2. I don't want to be away from my children. I enjoy being a mommy.

My MIL never breastfed. She always asks if I've weaned Sean yet. I just let it roll off my back. She means well and probably doesn't know how annoying it is to keep asking.
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#28 of 30 Old 05-01-2005, 01:07 PM
 
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DD turned 2 in Jan, and the thought of her spending a night away from me... :LOL Yeah, that's funny, not happening until she asks to sleep over somewhere. I've let my parents watch her for a couple times so dh and I could go out to dinner, and the whole time DH and I were saying that we wished we had brought dd along, we missed her!

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#29 of 30 Old 05-01-2005, 04:29 PM
 
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DS is 25 months and still hasn't had a sleepover at any of the grandparents' homes. He still nurses and co-sleeps, need I say more? He'll wean when HE is ready, and then maybe HE will be ready to stay at grandmas. Good luck with your mom.
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#30 of 30 Old 05-06-2005, 07:33 PM
 
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hold your ground! you're the mama now; you get to say for your baby.

i'm expecting similar pressure from my mil, but she hasn't gotten into it yet, though i can tell she thinks it's weird i'm "still" nursing. last time we slept over, she put a matress on the floor in our room for ds, but he slept in the bed with me and dh slept on the floor. we just didn't tell her. dsd was left with her overnights starting around age 2, i think. i can't imagine doing that!
my mom's parents lived down the street when i was a kid, and that was wonderful. we very rarely slept over, though...
ds will never stay overnight with my parents, mainly because of their "spare the rod, spoil the child" philosophy, which i totally disagree with.

if/when anybody starts with me about leaving ds, overnight or otherwise, my answer will be the same as when mil constantly tried to get me to put him down when he was tiny: he doesn't want me to, i don't want to, and i don't have to so i won't.
Zannalyn is offline  
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