Husband no longer happy about nursing. :( - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-31-2006, 08:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey,
I don't post here much but I'm hoping to join in more often. My DS will be one March 1st. We are moving to houston in the spring and I had mentioned to him I found a LLL right by where we are moving to. He then asked me if I could be in LLL if I wasn't nursing. Well we have talked about this 1000x's that I am no where near ready to wean. I'm not 100% sure if we'll self-wean but I have no plans to wean him this young. I figured I'd just play it by ear and we both love it now so I see no need to stop. Well he's all upset about it because he says its messing with my sex drive and he's ready just to have me back to normal. I really bummed about this. He's always been so supportive of everything AP so I'm shocked by his reaction. Any advise! Is there any way to get my sex-drive back without weaning DS?! Has anyone tried any of the herbal supplements and would they be safe to take while nursing?

Thanks!

Nici
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Old 01-31-2006, 09:19 PM
 
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The sex drive thing may or may not be related to breastfeeding. Sometimes just caring for a baby is enough to kill the drive. My sex drive did come back while nursing.... right around 1 year which is also when my cycle came back. So, it is totally possible for it to come back while nursing. I have also known other people who lost theirs even when they weren't nursing a child.
Your husband must just be missing the closeness and so he blames nursing as the cause.... so I can understand him wanting to you quit (not that I think that is the answer though!). If you look at it from his perspective, it almost makes sense. If you look at it from his point of view, it may give you some insight as to how best discuss this topic with him.

Erika, mama to three beautiful kids (plus one gestating), and wife to one fantastic man.

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Old 01-31-2006, 09:34 PM
 
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Why is his need for sex more important than your BABY'S need for nourishment, antibodies and comfort? Sounds childish and selfish to me. Personally I'd put my foot down and tell him too bad. WHO say babies NEED to nurse until 2 years old as a MINIMUM. Why on earth would you not give your child the minimum?

As an aside- Welcome to Houston soon!

-Angela
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Old 01-31-2006, 10:32 PM
 
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You might want to get your hands on a copy of Mothering Your Nursing Toddler. It's an LLL book, and one of the chapters talks about the father's role and another talks about sex issues. It was helpful for me to read for many reasons. Your LLL might have a copy, otherwise I think my used copy at Amazon was pretty cheap, under $10.

In the meantime, maybe talk with your dh some more and try to find out what is exactly bothering him about your sex life. A pp mentioned that it's not necessarily nursing that causes a low sex drive...I don't know about you, but most of the time I'm exhausted by the end of the day, but not so much during naptime on the weekends when dh is home during the day. For us it's all about compromise. dh knows that I'm more "in the mood" when he helps out with dd and gives me an adequate break. We have to make time and sometimes plan our "adult time," which sounds kind of lame, but it's working for us at the moment!

Ultimately though, the nursing relationship is between you and your child, and I think you make the call as to how long to nurse. It sounds harsh, but nursing is important enough (yes, even after a year) that I would stand my ground on this issue.

Good luck!
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Old 01-31-2006, 10:42 PM
 
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Tell him nothing will kill your sex drive as much as being up half the night with a child who statistics say will get more colds, ear infections and be at higher risk for asthma

As far as sex drive goes mine came back while breastfeeding at about 18 months - with enthusiasm. Dh says it was well worth waiting for Personally I think there is much more involved than breastfeeding. It takes a long time for your heart, mind and body to adjust to being a mama.

My dh also started romancing me more and helping me feel like a desirable woman - not just a mama. A few massages, some unexpected help around the house while I have a lovely bath and sweet suprises like a card or flowers that tell me how much he appreciates my role in his daughters life go a long way.

Honestly, by telling you that he wants you to quit breastfeeding he is in a sense telling you that the work you are putting into mothering isn't valued by him. Most women would find *that* message the biggest sex drive killer of all.
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Old 01-31-2006, 11:11 PM
 
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i dont disagree w/ the pp's, but i am wondering if this is a common reaction which nursing. i haven't lost my sex drive either time i bf'd my kids (currenlty one that is 4 weeks old). im wondering if there is another reason.
as i said, i agree with whats been said...however, there are few dh's who would be happy about not having a healthy sex life w/ their wives, so i guess i would just take it a little easy on him (i would NOT stop bf'ing but try to find other remedies).
good luck
rach
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Old 01-31-2006, 11:58 PM
 
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Seems to me that exhaustion, or even plain tiredness, is the worst offender when it comes to lowered sex drive. I've seen this in both DH and myself.

So what is HE doing to help YOU so that YOU are not so tired that the last thing on your mind is sex? Complaining does not constitute help.

Is he helping with this move? or is he working and needs to rest when he gets home?

Is he helping with the baby? or is he tired when he gets home from work and needs his rest?

See where I'm going with this?

Breastfeeding is too often used as the convenient scapegoat. And nonbreastfed toddlers can still often wake in the night...


"What will you do once you know?"
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Old 02-01-2006, 12:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your responses!

We talked some more tonight about it and he is just feeling a little left out lately and was blaming it on that. Granted, I do think breastfeeding does lower my drive. Mainly because my body is very influenced by hormones. I had to quit taking birthcontrol because it lowered mine bigtime and when I was pregnant it was the exact other extreme!

As to whether or not he helps, he is an airline pilot so he's gone about 4 days a week. So he's great help when he's home but that's less than half the week. So I do think that does wear on me after a while. I feel like a single mom.

I definitely am not going to quit nursing because of it. I just wish there was a solution to my problem and I could enjoy sex again! Pregnancy spoiled me because it was GREAT then!

Nici
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Old 02-01-2006, 12:50 AM
 
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Have you gotten your cycles back yet? I know that made a HUGE difference for me!
It's good that you two were able to talk about it some

Not much more to add, the other posters have pretty much said it all; but I hope things work out for you soon
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Old 02-01-2006, 04:04 PM
 
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Ya know, when I read the title to the thread my first thought was "well, if he's not happy nursing he should stop" I'm a smart alec

I understand about sex drive being dimininshed while nursing, especially while caring for a young kiddo. Add in the feeling of being a single mom when your not and dh's lack of outward appreciationn for your mothering and its easy to see why you're not in the mood! It does get better, but it helps when you dont feel pressured to be passionate and when your d helps out, shows his appreciation and makes you feel desirable (which is totally different from feeling desired).

I'd stay away from the herbal supplements (this kind anyway) because everything you injest goes to your little one and there's no telling what kind of reaction he could have Give your body and mind time to adjust to being a mother and a wife, your babe isn't even a year old yet and these things take time.
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Old 02-01-2006, 06:31 PM
 
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If your husband is unhappy with your sex life I would work on that. I TOTALLY know how hard it can be to think about sex after you've finally gotten your kiddo to sleep and are exhausted yourself, TRUST ME . I wouldn't wean because of it but I wouldn't just call your husband selfish and ignore him either. Your baby won't benefit from having a father who feels ignored. His feelings shouldn't be ignored just like your babies feelings shouldn't be ignored. I agree that if you talk to him and tell him that it would be a huge turn on for him to help you out a little more or something like that maybe that might help. Like others have said, nursing may not even be what is killing your sex drive. So work on the sex thing and keep nursing!

Vicki
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Old 02-01-2006, 09:50 PM
 
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I have to say...I had very little sex drive until somewhere between 8 and 10 months...NOw there are days I all but attack my DP. When DP and I started dating, he actually liked nursing because it was a time when we could sit down and cuddle and DS got his meal (I'm sure constant flshing didn't hurt either ) ...Maybe including him more in nursing will help you feel more in the mood later?
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Old 02-01-2006, 10:58 PM
 
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A friend said something to me recently that might help you: "I never really want to have sex since the baby was born, but when I do have it, I never regret it afterward." It's so true - you might be really tired or have so many other things you "should" be doing or think you would rather be doing, but maybe if you just get into the habit of "doing it" whether it sounds really appealing or not, you will get back into the groove. Believe me, I've been there (sometimes still am there), and while I'm not one to advocate having relations because it's your "wifely duty" or anything, I do know that men place great stock in it as proof of your continued affection for them. So if you can give him what he needs without really compromising your own needs, you might give it a shot and see if your issue magically resolves.

Mom to DS1 : 11/2004 and DS2 12/2008; happy to have discovered ECing, co-sleeping, and tandem nursing during our journey together

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Old 02-01-2006, 11:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Nope...I haven't started my cycles back yet.

Calbear- What you said is so true. Its like working out...its like pulling teeth to get me to do it but once I do it feels great! I told him he needs to work on "romancing" me more...maybe i'll see some change in that area soon!

So should my cycles start to return after a year? How long did it take for you all? I really never dreamed mine would be gone so long!
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Old 02-03-2006, 10:20 PM
 
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I just had my first post-partum period last month when DS was 14 months old. I could tell my hormones were starting to shift back to "normal" a couple of months before that. Of course, that doesn't help with the exhaustion problem.

Mom to DS1 : 11/2004 and DS2 12/2008; happy to have discovered ECing, co-sleeping, and tandem nursing during our journey together

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