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Old 03-17-2007, 04:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I am committed to CLW and basically am doing don't offer, don't refuse with my 2 yo ds. Well, I guess I do offer if he is hurt, and at nap and bedtime, but don't really offer otherwise.

I have been struggling with his wanting to nurse when he has just been scolded. Let me say I am also trying my best at gentle discipline and natural consequences. By "scolded" I just mean that if I have gently told him we don't, oh, throw our food all over the floor, for example, he often gets upset and wants to nurse. It feels a bit counterproductive to try and express my displeasure, then nurse him, kind of rewarding him. Thoughts?
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Old 03-17-2007, 05:21 PM
 
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Well, personally I try to avoid expressing displeasure at dd. I try to work to show that the displeasure is at the *action* and not the person. And since it's pretty hard to throw food on the floor while nursing, it doesn't impact us much.

-Angela
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Old 03-17-2007, 05:39 PM
 
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I don't think it rewards, just reassures.

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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Old 03-17-2007, 05:49 PM
 
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I think I know what you mean cause we all get cross at times despite our best intentions. That is part of what makes nursing so wonderful, it helps us reconnect and affirm our attachment when things aren't going so well.

So I have not found this to be counterproductive. I think it is really important to reconnect with our children in a positive way after a scolding. That way we can both get back in sync.

John Bowlby the grandfather of attachment theory goes into this in great detail in his classic book on attachment. I don't have this book anymore but I imagine if you are interested you could research his work on this. I think Sears wrote something similar in Attachment Parenting.

Your son is actually very tender hearted because he feels the need to reconnect with you and is asking to have that need met. He wants to be close to you and to correct the relationship. I think that is a quality that should be nurtured.
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Old 03-17-2007, 08:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by momuveight2B View Post
Your son is actually very tender hearted because he feels the need to reconnect with you and is asking to have that need met. He wants to be close to you and to correct the relationship. I think that is a quality that should be nurtured.
Awww, that is a sweet way to look at it! Thanks for all your input, I'm starting to feel better about it.
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Old 03-18-2007, 04:41 PM
 
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I don't see anything wrong with how you are handling this situation. To me, it looks very much as though you are showing him how to change his behavior and then, by nursing him, telling him you still love him very much even if you two disagree on whether or not throwing food (for example) is acceptable. He's old enough to understand that you don't like the behavior he has just shown, even if you nurse right after. It would be different if he threw his food and then you nursed him without that middle step of letting him know you don't like the food-throwing.

I think that is a very loving way to guide your child. If he knows that after a "scolding" he can still get ready love from you, then doesn't that help him be better able to respond to "discipline"? Because he feels safe knowing that there is still plenty of love for him?

(I can't stand that word "discipline" maybe I mean "guidance" ... hmmm... )
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Old 03-18-2007, 06:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Discipline does have negative connotations contrary to its literal meaning -- to teach. I think because of what is typically discipline in our society --authoritarian orders, spanking, punishing, etc.
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Old 03-18-2007, 08:24 PM
 
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The other thing I was thinking about this is how good I feel when I hug someone after a disagreement. I am pregnant and moody and my husband will just stop me and give me a huge hug! :
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