Mothering Forum banner

I don't know what to do

7K views 92 replies 50 participants last post by  gnutter 
#1 ·
So here's the short version. We are EXTREMELY low-income. We live in an efficiency. We have a lot of debt. We used to be middle-class, but things went all wrong when DH lost his job and we lost our home.

We didn't have any way to pay the debt that we had and we were homeless for a while. I spent years learning how to live with nothing at all. Now we've moved up in the world to this efficiency. My husband has found another job, but things got bad again.

As soon as he got the job, someone who we did NOT have any debt with lied to the government and said we did. Please don't make me tell the story, it's long and makes me angry. Anyway, we went to court and got legal help and the whole shebang. No dice. The court ruled that the debt WAS ours
and now 50% of my husband's wages are being garnished for the next six years in order to pay it. They take everything, even our tax returns and our stimulus checks.

We were getting by. Things were just barely working out. I got on WIC and Medicaid - the only services we qualified for.

AAAaaanyway, my husband got a very small raise a few months ago. It was only $11 extra a month, but it put us over the limit for getting any social services, so they put us on a transitional program for one year.

Last week, my husband begged his boss for a bigger raise because we were just not getting by. His boss gave him a $100 a month raise which was awesome and I was so happy. Then, we found out that his insurance raised their prices at the same time and now he's going to be making $14 LESS a month, even with the raise, AND they are taking away my WIC and my Medicaid. This is still the cheapest insurance he can get and he has to have it because he has to provide insurance for my stepdaughter who lives with her mother.

I'm not sure what to do. He got a raise, but all it did was disqualify us for any social help. I talked to them, even begged them, but they told me they only go by gross income, not net income, so they don't care that we are really only getting 50% of what they say we are. I'm so mad! We also found out that my husband can't refuse the raise or he will get into serious trouble with social services.

Currently, he's trying to get a government job so we can at least have medical, but other than that, we don't know what to do.

Who can we petition for help?

And I know everyone is going to want to give me advice on how to live cheaply, but believe that I am serious when I say "I wrote the book."
There is no advice you can give me that I don't already know. I just need to know what to do about getting outside help.

Thank you SO MUCH if you know anything that might assist us.
 
See less See more
2
#78 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post
We had no idea how the system worked. We paid all her child support for years. We kept all the copies of the checks. We were told by the state that legally, that was ALL we had to do. His ex threatened us to never have children of our own and when she found out I was in the hospital with an ectopic pregnancy, she called and said we had to be punished. She lied and told the state my husband had never given her anything in child support and claimed we owed her $20k. DH had his hearing thinking he was so smart because he had copies of everything we paid her. The state looked over the paperwork and then essentially told his ex "you know, this isn't considered legal child support if you claim it was all just 'gifts.'" That's it in a nutshell. They didn't give us any way out. There are no words to describe how I feel about the situation.!
I hate to be the one to say it, but that's child support 101. They will tell the NCP right off at the court house "DO NOT give cash, checks, money orders or anything else to the CP because it will not be considered child support payments and will not be counted towards what you owe- no matter what the memo line might say"
That sucks that she's so... vindictive :-(
I hope you find a way out- I don't have one. The divorce idea sounds like it might work but if you still live together and whatever social programs your using finds out... well, it might NOT be a good idea after all
 
#79 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post
The issue with the job thing is that I can make more money at my job, it's just that I have a little girl to take care of. Even if there was a job I could get (and believe me, there is not - there are no jobs here. You have to create your own if you want a job in Hawaii) I'd not be able to raise my daughter and I'd be spending that extra money on childcare anyway. I think this really is the best way to do it. There's no reason for me to get a job outside the home making just a little more money doing it and then have to spend all that extra on childcare. I'd rather raise my daughter. Raising my children myself is my #1 priority right now, especially since there is no acceptable childcare where we are.

Aw, crud, plus I forgot that if I make any more money than I am now, my daughter loses her Medicaid and I'd have to pay an additional $200 a month to put her on either my or my husband's insurance. Dang! I'd forgotten that one. Plus, I'd have to buy a car to get to said job and then I'd have to commute to it every day and you do not even WANT to know what the cost of gas is here. The car would also require insurance payments.

It's a pickle to be in, to be sure, but at least I'm very very lucky that I can raise my daughter myself.

I do understand about not wanting to have your child in daycare (thats why I thought the odd shifting was a good ides that way your DD stays with daddy etc) Also I totally understand the fine line between making to much to qualify and not making enough for anything else. We spent the first few years of our marriage that way, thankfully DH was in the military and we had healthcare coverage. Hopefully as your daughter gets older you can grow your business more.
 
#80 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Paxjourney View Post
I do understand about not wanting to have your child in daycare (thats why I thought the odd shifting was a good ides that way your DD stays with daddy etc) Also I totally understand the fine line between making to much to qualify and not making enough for anything else. We spent the first few years of our marriage that way, thankfully DH was in the military and we had healthcare coverage. Hopefully as your daughter gets older you can grow your business more.

That's the outside-the-box thinking I'm working on now - how to get her to entertain herself more so I can get more work hours in. That's my new strategy this week - come up with enough ways to keep her entertained so I can get work done!


I can probably work on the laptop outside while she plays. She loves going outside. I'm thinking of coming up with some new games as well. Maybe I can look for one of those kiddie pools on Freecycle and she can splash around for a few hours in the shade while I sit "poolside" and work. We'll see!
 
#81 ·
Have you considered getting a neighborhood (I don't know what you're living environment is, maybe there's a teen nearby) teen to come over after school as a Mother's Helper so you can get some more work done? My BFF had one for quite a while when she was in a serious financial crises and needed to WAH more, and the teen (and her parents) agreed to use the time as community service hours for college applications since she wanted to go to school for early childhood education. Maybe there's a community college near you that would have early ed majors looking for experience working with kids?

If your DH is covering your DSD on his insurance already, wouldn't he have a family plan? I know our insurance cost doesn't fluctuate when we have more kids, a new deductible is just added for that kid.
 
#82 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by sehbub View Post
Have you considered getting a neighborhood (I don't know what you're living environment is, maybe there's a teen nearby) teen to come over after school as a Mother's Helper so you can get some more work done? My BFF had one for quite a while when she was in a serious financial crises and needed to WAH more, and the teen (and her parents) agreed to use the time as community service hours for college applications since she wanted to go to school for early childhood education. Maybe there's a community college near you that would have early ed majors looking for experience working with kids?

If your DH is covering your DSD on his insurance already, wouldn't he have a family plan? I know our insurance cost doesn't fluctuate when we have more kids, a new deductible is just added for that kid.
We live in the middle of nowhere in the country, but as luck would have it, we DO have a teenage girl next-door-neighbor who LOVES my daughter, but she doesn't get home from school until my husband gets home from work, so I end up just having him watch her, anyway


In Hawaii, employers are required to provide insurance for their employees, but my husband does not get the choice of which provider he gets. The one he has charges per person, so there is no family plan. He would have to pay for each child and ME as well and I cost even more than a child. I imagine it's the insurance company's way to make back some money they lose by providing cheap insurance to all of the employees, but I'm not sure. Don't even get me started on how much I dislike insurance companies.
 
#83 ·
I've been thinking about this awhile.

I fell in love with a father, too. It was my incredible luck that DSS's mother is a good woman. DH was giving her money, but nothing was ever done thru the courts. What happened to the OP's DH happened to my uncle, and I told DH he had to stop. We talked to DSS's mom, and told her that we had to go thru court. She didn't want to (she had her reasons), and we agreed that we will pay for DSS's college in lieu of CS (that's on lockdown, thank God). There but for the grace of God go I...

I would try getting in touch with Glenn Sacks. He may be able to give better help or advice, since he deals with this sort of thing specifically.

The only thing I can think of is countersuing your DSD's mom. That's what my uncle did, and it sort of worked. He sued her for harrasment, emotional distress, defamation, etc, and won enough of a settlement to get her to back off the CS claim and they just called it a draw- she never paid him, and he never paid her any more.

OT, I would love to hear more about living cheaply in HI. DSS is determined to move there, so DH and I are determined to help him out. Any info appreciated!
 
#84 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Leta View Post
OT, I would love to hear more about living cheaply in HI. DSS is determined to move there, so DH and I are determined to help him out. Any info appreciated!
OT still, but you would love it here
If you want to live cheaply in Hawaii, the windward side of the Big Island is the place to be. Jobs are nil here so either bring your work with you or plan on starting over. It took my husband over a year to find a job. Don't bring anything with you. Sell everything that you own and just start over.

For jobs, avoid anything of the "hippie" nature. We're all hippies here and unfortunately they all come over with a mind to be a massage therapist or jewelry seller or artist or belly dancer and it just won't work out. It's a very small town. Think small town in the country in the middle of nowhere. The jobs are going to be relatively the same. Almost all of the jobs are of the physical labor variety. There's big business for contract labor and construction.

Also, if you or your DH are in the medical industry OMG WE NEED YOU SO BAD! We don't have enough doctors and nurses. If you have the training, you can get a job here so fast! They will probably pay for your move out here. They were talking recently about starting some kind of residence program for doctors to entice them to come live here. I think they were wanting to give them a free house just to come work at our hospital.

Good luck
You'll love it!
 
#85 ·
UPDATE!

Hubby got the info today and as it turns out, the insurance rate hike isn't going to affect us. (WHEW!) You have no idea how relieved I am. All that hubbub and worry over nothing. Still, we have to deal with losing the WIC and my insurance, but I talked to the Medicaid office and they told me my daughter can stay on it. I won't be insured anymore, but I'm much more worried about her.

THANK YOU THANK YOU whoever is out there was listening to my prayers


Now, to figure out how to get more hours of work into a 24 hour day
 
#86 ·
Hey mama, that's great news about the Medicaid! You might try talking to the WIC office- our ladies are great, and I know that here, you can keep WIC if your DC gets Medicaid.

I am pulling for you.

Thanks for the HI info. Actually, DH is a cook- technically, he's a chef and butcher, and is in the process of becoming a master baker. I, OTOH, have a BS in Community Health Ed, and am planning on going back to school Jan 2011 (I have a 3 yo and 4 mo right now!) to get my LPN. Even if I had to get my RN in order to find a job, that's doable, only two more semesters. So I could find work. But if you are out in the country, I suppose a food person would have to commute a ways to work, huh? Thanks again.
 
#87 ·
Yep, if your daughter is on Medicaid she automatically qualifies for WIC.

I know a solution seems to have been found, but have you ever considered working online? I am an independent contractor doing it, but I have a (very legitimate) job making excellent money. I can work 10-30 hrs per week. All from home online. Just an idea to look into!
 
#88 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Leta View Post
Thanks for the HI info. Actually, DH is a cook- technically, he's a chef and butcher, and is in the process of becoming a master baker. I, OTOH, have a BS in Community Health Ed, and am planning on going back to school Jan 2011 (I have a 3 yo and 4 mo right now!) to get my LPN. Even if I had to get my RN in order to find a job, that's doable, only two more semesters. So I could find work. But if you are out in the country, I suppose a food person would have to commute a ways to work, huh? Thanks again.
No, you don't have to commute at all
We just choose to live out here because we are renting a house from my friend's parents. Most people stay down in the Puna area but the commute is crazy and gas costs too much. You can find a place to rent in Hilo that's affordable and you won't have to drive so far to work in Hilo.

If you can do anything healthcare wise, you should be able to find a job here no problem. Our island is clamoring for any help we can get. It's been getting worse and worse. My husband had to go to the emergency room a few nights ago and when we got there, there was only one nurse on staff who could help us and ONE DOCTOR. There were so many sick people and only one doctor in the whole hospital. It was so sad
 
#89 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BJewels79 View Post
Yep, if your daughter is on Medicaid she automatically qualifies for WIC.

I know a solution seems to have been found, but have you ever considered working online? I am an independent contractor doing it, but I have a (very legitimate) job making excellent money. I can work 10-30 hrs per week. All from home online. Just an idea to look into!
I DO work at home online
I run a graphic design company. The problem isn't finding a job, my issue right now is trying to find more hours in the day to work because I have a toddler
Lately, I've been staying up rather late to get work done. I'm hoping that as my daughter is getting older, she will be able to entertain herself more and I can take on more clients.
 
#90 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by BJewels79 View Post
Yep, if your daughter is on Medicaid she automatically qualifies for WIC.

I know a solution seems to have been found, but have you ever considered working online? I am an independent contractor doing it, but I have a (very legitimate) job making excellent money. I can work 10-30 hrs per week. All from home online. Just an idea to look into!
OT, but can you talk about what you do or pm me. Thanks.
 
#91 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by amberskyfire View Post
The way it works is that we pay until it's paid off. The number of years doesn't matter. Legally, they can only take up to 50% max, so that was how they determined how many years it would take to pay off.

Also, because we are married, they take MY money, too. They don't garnish my wages, they take all my tax returns and my stimulus checks. I do already work. I just can't make enough to support us alone. We are doing all that is possible in the world job-wise. Him not paying it would just mean it would take longer. We want this over with as soon as possible.
I haven't read ahead...but what about filing out the 'innocent spouse' form? My ex did that one year when I owed student loans and we really needed the tax return to pay other bills.

http://www.irs.gov/individuals/conte...130302,00.html
 
#92 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by gentlemango View Post
I think she means that the "right to choose" is only granted to the mother, not the father. A mother can decide to opt out of the financial and emotional burdens of childrearing, but a man cannot.

OP, does your dh have any relationship with his daughter? Can he terminate his parental rights? I thought you did not have to pay child support if you voluntarily signed away your parental rights, like in an adoption scenario.

I would also look into divorce, on paper only, if that's what it takes. Sad situation. Sorry you're there.

Generally, a father can not sign away his rights unless there is a second parent willing to take them over. You can fight to have the rights removed, if the parent in question is abusive, or has had no relationship with the child. BUT terminating parental rights doesn't always mean a termination of financial obligation.
 
#93 ·
Chaper 7 if you can qualify-for sure. We filed several years ago-our credit was better and 2 years after we bought a house. It sounds scary and is embarassing-but it puts and end to the debt and gives you a chance to start over.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top