I've done everything wrong my whole life pity party - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 23 Old 08-13-2010, 02:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If no one responds to this I totally understand, but decided I wanted to vent and get some of these feelings out there. Right now I feel as though every decision re money I've every made has been wrong and I will never be in a comfortable place. I really don't even care that much about my own needs, but feel like my kids are getting the shaft because of my combination bad luck and dumb choices in the past.
Does anyone else ever feel like they are passing as middle class, but they really are at the almost at least feels like it poverty level? I feel like such a heel even typing this as I know so many have it so much worse. I work with and give my time to many who have it worse. I'm just sick of it. I tried to follow that formula of get an education and you will be okay. DH did too and has a law degree, I have a clinical liscense, and I found out this morning we went into bounce protection. Seriously??!!! We are both 40 years old and this is what we have to show for it? Okay, I know two healthy children is nothing to sneeze at, my DS was cleared this week to go off of seizure medicine after 2 years and I'm so grateful. It's just that feeling of never getting a break, something always going wrong. Yesterday I was sitting on my bottom on the floor aiming a hairdryer at our freezer side to help our fridge limp along one more month. And I'm really trying to be glad we have a fridge and food and a house, but crap, what did I do wrong to wind up here today? I am falling into that trap of looking around me and that is never wise, I know better, but dang if that is not what today is doing to me. It's like some people can screw people over, not prioritize their kids, spend on themselves, and still money rolls in. I know the rain falls on the just and unjust and all that, I just can't get past all of this envy today and I hate it. I've always worked at least some since having children and juggled and killed myself to be there for them and I don't regret one second of that, it's just I know I have suffered professionaly this last year by helping my Mom take care of my terminal father while meeting my mothering obligations. I guess the bottom line is how could I have lived with myself and done it any other way?
Rant over, if you could get through this, I thank you and ask you send some positive energy my way, I need it today
Pamela (who really does know she's blessed, but is not feeeeling it right now)
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#2 of 23 Old 08-13-2010, 02:40 PM
 
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Ya know, it is totally fine to have days like this. You have obviously worked your butt off to have a life and keep your family happy and healthy. Be proud of that and know that every day that you wake up to do your work, you are doing your best. Maybe take a breather and look around and take note of all the things you are so blessed with. It is so easy to get tangled up and frustrated in the chaos of life, and often it seems the ones who deserve a break the most never get one. You are being an excellent mother by modeling to your children a strong work ethic and character..and I am sure they love you even more for that. Rarely are there times in one's life where things will be completely smooth..you just learn to build yourself up more, take control, and move on. You obviously know that it could be worse, and it probably will be at times, but also know that life will go on..these experiences only enrich your life. I hope that you get to breathe a sigh of relief soon, mama.

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#3 of 23 Old 08-13-2010, 03:29 PM
 
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We are in our thirties and don't have a lot, either. We do have savings but that is by the grace of God and nothing more.

I hope you get a break soon!

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#4 of 23 Old 08-13-2010, 03:48 PM
 
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I support you in throwing a little pity party for yourself every now and then. It is tiring always trying to just get by. So, here I am, hanging up the streamers and getting the food table ready!

I hear that some of your situation you're tired of and some of it you're grateful for...healthy children, etc. I think that is a very human experience.

I find that taking some time to really acknowledge your feelings and the situation you're in makes the next day seem a little brighter. Best wishes, Mama.

Mama to Ainsley (7/01) , Finley (10/06) and Jade (10/06)
 

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#5 of 23 Old 08-13-2010, 03:52 PM
 
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Yeah, you totally deserve some positive energy.

I think that, right now, you're in the kind of financial hole that comes with two kids, one with a serious health issue, and caring for elderly or ill relatives. You didn't do anything wrong. You had a hard couple of years.
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#6 of 23 Old 08-13-2010, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank-you so much ladies, I so needed to hear everything you had to say! I forget what I have persevered through and been blessed with when I have days like today.
I am totally rocking my pity party now and enjoying the refreshments!
I knew this would be the place to get some positive vibes!
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#7 of 23 Old 08-13-2010, 05:04 PM
 
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BTW... We also work in social services. Non-profit, government, you name it. When I hear people bashing government workers and humanitarians I could just scream. Now DH is a soldier. I didn't even see you're a social worker... at least you can pat yourself on the back knowing you didn't cause the Great Recession of 2008.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#8 of 23 Old 08-13-2010, 07:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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EdnaMarie, that is the truth! DH and I joke we're true believers as he's a public defender and I'm a LCSW who sees mostly kids in foster care on Medicaid. I think the sucky part lately is the trapped feeling as the floundering economy has made it a lot harder to think of switching, even if we wanted to. Most days I'm proud of what we both do, today was not one of them!
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#9 of 23 Old 08-13-2010, 07:58 PM
 
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It boggles my mind that public service or any of the 'helping' professions- particularly those requiring at least a MA pay terribly. I recently went on a job interview with a domestic violence program- the pay was shamefully low- but it's work I am good at and enjoy. Still, I could make more flipping burgers for a year.


Hm, lookee there, your pity party has a bandwagon.

I think we all have to decide what it is that will matter to us as we look back on our lives in old age- will it be the moments of being broke, or will it be the things we gave to humanity throughout our lives?
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#10 of 23 Old 08-14-2010, 03:07 PM
 
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Oh I completely underestand...when I got my "professional" social work job after finishing college i had to take a *paycut* from the Fast food job I had been working to get through school. *grumble*
I'm starting to feel exactly like your post....dh and i have worked hard, have college degrees, but also tons and tons of debt, and low paying jobs.

CPST
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#11 of 23 Old 08-14-2010, 04:42 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by socialworkmamma View Post
Most days I'm proud of what we both do, today was not one of them!
I know what you mean. I'd say at least we can sleep at night, but it seems all the wrong people get anxious. I hope things are looking up.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#12 of 23 Old 08-14-2010, 09:38 PM
 
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just wanted to send some s

Know you are not alone, mama Keep on keepin' on.

  homeschooling, earth loving Mama to 3 crazy, wonderful boys, ages 10 & 7, & 3 mos.,3 spirit babies                                Inch by inch, row by row.  Gonna make this garden grow  
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#13 of 23 Old 08-15-2010, 12:00 AM
 
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Yeah, I make more money waiting tables or bartending than with my top honors English Lit and Women's Studies pieces of paper. And I don't even have the status of a professional job, so everyone looks down on me unless I pull out the sesquipedalia! Actually, I'm grateful to have the service industry experience right now, writing jobs pay crap so often.

About the fridge / and freezer- you might be able to fix it yourself. if it is over-freezing then probably there is a thermostat somewhere that has wiggled loose and is touching something warm, and that is telling it to cycle back to freezing. either that or perhaps it has an automatic defrost cycle that isn't kicking on. get to googling the diy info out there is amazing.
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#14 of 23 Old 08-15-2010, 02:28 AM
 
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"A Hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in or the kind of car I drove but the world may be different because I was importantin the life of a child."
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#15 of 23 Old 08-15-2010, 01:14 PM
 
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I wanted to say HUGS! Hang inthere. Everyone deserves a pity party every now in then. I can really relate to what you posted. I find myself being inthe same place.

Heidi
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#16 of 23 Old 08-15-2010, 03:45 PM
 
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Hugs as well. I am the Executive Director of a small non profit and while that sounds glamourous and I have a masters, fact is bartending would be more lucrative. I have days where I really grapple with my choice of career, love the work but at 37 would love to earn a real salary. I am also married to a journalist (freelance) so financial rewards are not our reality.

Mothering since 1992...its one of the many hats I wear.
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#17 of 23 Old 08-17-2010, 01:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and sharing their own stories. It really helped and still does.
The night I posted I got a call from my sister-in-law that she was in the ER with my brother as he had badly hurt three fingers that night at work. He's a machinist and the loss of his fingers would be pretty horrible for lots of reasons. It turned out better than expected and he should have full mobility and very little tissue loss. Needless to say, it put my day into perspective.
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#18 of 23 Old 08-17-2010, 04:30 PM
 
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Oh, wow, I'm so glad to hear his hands are okay.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#19 of 23 Old 08-18-2010, 04:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by bobandjess99 View Post
Oh I completely underestand...when I got my "professional" social work job after finishing college i had to take a *paycut* from the Fast food job I had been working to get through school. *grumble*
I'm starting to feel exactly like your post....dh and i have worked hard, have college degrees, but also tons and tons of debt, and low paying jobs.
This both boggles my mind and saddens me.

Thank goodness the world has people like you that when not throwing the occasional (and well deserved) pity party, care more about others than monetary gain.

I am not crunchy enough for this forum. Everyday I get a little crunchier though! :
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#20 of 23 Old 08-18-2010, 05:47 AM
 
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i hope this comes across as helpful, because that's how it's intended.
this time last year, I was a pregnant SAHm to 2 children, wife to someone underemployed, and we were both in a load of (student loan) debt- living in an apartment that was pitifully small and completely inadequate. i resigned myself into believing that we might never be financially stable, and that we would never own a house. the most i could hope for was to someday live in a rental that would be big enough for my children to have some personal space, and that we could hold out financially until my youngest was 18 months, and i could go back to work (crappy, low-paying job).

Just months later, my husband received a job offer in his field that would be just enough to pay the bills! And a few months after that, we discovered that it would be economically feasible to buy a house! And now here we are, living in a house that's big enough with a backyard and my husband is working in a job where he feels appreciated, with people he likes! if you had told me where i would be in a year, i wouldn't have believed you, because after years of hoping, i had resigned myself to my situation. just sayin', things can change. but don't let me interrupt your pity party, because i know how necessary that can be.
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#21 of 23 Old 08-19-2010, 09:57 AM
 
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Right there with you regretting lots of decisions that will weigh on us for years to come.

Lauren (33), writer, recovering academic, WOHM to a highly sensitive child (Robin, Feb '08) and mellow little Holly (Jan '10). Newly diagnosed Bipolar I. rolleyes.gif
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#22 of 23 Old 08-19-2010, 04:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SaoirseC View Post
i hope this comes across as helpful, because that's how it's intended.
this time last year, I was a pregnant SAHm to 2 children, wife to someone underemployed, and we were both in a load of (student loan) debt- living in an apartment that was pitifully small and completely inadequate. i resigned myself into believing that we might never be financially stable, and that we would never own a house. the most i could hope for was to someday live in a rental that would be big enough for my children to have some personal space, and that we could hold out financially until my youngest was 18 months, and i could go back to work (crappy, low-paying job).

Just months later, my husband received a job offer in his field that would be just enough to pay the bills! And a few months after that, we discovered that it would be economically feasible to buy a house! And now here we are, living in a house that's big enough with a backyard and my husband is working in a job where he feels appreciated, with people he likes! if you had told me where i would be in a year, i wouldn't have believed you, because after years of hoping, i had resigned myself to my situation. just sayin', things can change. but don't let me interrupt your pity party, because i know how necessary that can be.
This is so encouraging!

My family is a lot like some of the other posters here . . . DH works in human service with a master's degree in social justice, I have a social work degree but I haven't used it in quite a while because my WAH gig is more lucrative. Still we are just scraping by from month to month, living in a cute but small rental house and wondering if we'll ever feel like "real" grown-ups.

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#23 of 23 Old 08-19-2010, 11:18 PM
 
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We feel the same sometimes. We have good jobs (teacher, city worker). I work part-time and take care of my daughter the rest of the time. On paper our income looks great, but we live in a high cost of living area and can't move because of my husband's job. We missed the boat housing-wise. Ten years ago we could have afforded a great house with what we have now (well, a house -- with three bedrooms and a postage stamp lawn but that's great for here!) but ten years ago we were students in another city. Now we are totally priced out. So we rent a 2 bedroom apartment hoping to save up enough for a down payment. I look at the prices of housing here, though, and reality hits. We're frugal, but by the time we save up the $200,000 or so needed for a good down payment the market will have gone up and it will still be impossible to buy.

That said, when I come home from work I know that my job is important. Spending time with children is important. Not feeling horribly rushed is important. I wouldn't trade that for a house...
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