My friend. - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 09-10-2010, 11:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Not in a bubble!
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

nm

ParisApril is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-10-2010, 12:06 PM
 
hillymum's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Louisville, Ky
Posts: 3,394
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)
Learn how to say NO to her! Her sense of entitlement is overwhelming isn't it?
hillymum is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 12:46 PM
 
cappuccinosmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: SW Pennsylvania
Posts: 5,447
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would totally have the same trouble as you. You gotta learn to say no.

Sometimes, financial troubles are just bad luck/circumstances. Other times, people are actively contributing to their financial problems and still feel entitled to complain.

If this is becoming more and more of you being a free resource for her instead of a give-and-take friendship, it might be time to start backing off the relationship. Which is sad. But if she is a "user" (of other people) you could run yourself into the ground trying to help her and end up actually being no help at all.
cappuccinosmom is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 12:49 PM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,263
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Sorry, dear... she's using you. Grow a backbone and say no to her when you need to.
philomom is online now  
Old 09-10-2010, 12:52 PM
 
CherryBomb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7,885
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Start saying no and put some distance between you. She's taking advantage of you!
CherryBomb is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 12:53 PM
 
lolar2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 6,403
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
FWIW, I used to have a friend like that-- eventually said our circumstances had changed and we couldn't help any more.... And we stayed friends. No problem. Turns out she wasn't a user, just blunt and she didn't mind my being blunt either.
lolar2 is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 01:43 PM
 
sanguine_speed's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,591
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's hard to expect her behaviour to change, or even for her to know her behaviour is bothering you, if you don't speak up for yourself. Definitely say "no."

Hearing her complain about not being able to pay rent when she seems to have money for other non-necessities must be frustrating, especially because you're her friend and you worry about her. My first thought, since you said she spends money very shortly after she's broke, is that perhaps she is receiving gifts from family or friends? A paid for overnight trip, or a new sweater for her daughter bought by grandma? I've learned to think about these options before automatically assuming someone is using her own money, which seems in short supply, when buying something I think is unnecessary or frivolous. Also, is it possible that she says "I'm broke" or "I can't afford it" when she really means "it's not in the budget"? Maybe she prioritizes things like a hand-knit sweater over other things. You said she was telling you she had no money right before she bought the sweater. Maybe she had no money because she designated her money for that sweater, for example.

If you're truly concerned that her money management skills are threatening her wellbeing (i.e. can't pay rent), it might be appropriate to say so: "this is the third month in a row you've told me you're having trouble making rent. Do you think there's anything you could shift in your budget so you're not so tight when rent is due?" or "have you heard about that free credit counseling service? They do up a budget with you and stuff."

Otherwise, if you just don't like how much money she "wastes", it's probably not your business. If you don't like her talking about her spending priorities, create some distance between you.

4 kids under 10
sanguine_speed is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Not in a bubble!
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
nm
ParisApril is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 02:23 PM
 
AFWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 5,083
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd say learn to say no and possibly find a new friend. Honestly, and I'll sound like a b!tch here, I find those types of people kind of annoying. We had a friend that ALWAYS complained about money and had to have her friends pay her rent some months...but was always going out and getting a new piercing or tattoo. Um, tats are NOT cheap (especially the big, colorful ones she got) and she was getting complicated piercings like the under the skin kind.

So yeah, I can sympathize...our friend never asked US for money, but I just got tired of hearing "I have no money...I got a new tat!"

If you're really close you can offer to go over her budget or teach her how to do one.

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
AFWife is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 02:37 PM
 
MamitaM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm also always broke,but my rent is always paid on time. I make sure I have rent and my cell bill paid. I love going out to eat or going for a coffee,but I just can't do it as much as I want to. I maybe have a coffee/drink once a month if that.

I think you need to tell your friend that you just can't help as much as you'd like with the babysitting b/c things have changed for you and your family and you're much busier then you were before. Then maybe offer to help with her budget like some others have said.
MamitaM is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 04:07 PM
 
ChristyMarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,210
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Money is funny, isn't it?

From what you've said, I would back off from the friendship a bit, absolutely not loan any money and change the subject when she brings it up.

I had a friend who does fairly well but she SPENDS. Oh my gosh she spends. She got truly mad at me because I said we couldn't afford to go on a vacation with her and her DH. She flat out didn't believe me. Um, excuse me but having open credit on your credit card does NOT mean you can *afford* something.

I had to step back and stop listening and participating in those types of conversations.
ChristyMarie is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 04:52 PM
 
Mulvah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,925
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I think you got a lot of good advice. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post
I would totally have the same trouble as you. You gotta learn to say no.

Sometimes, financial troubles are just bad luck/circumstances. Other times, people are actively contributing to their financial problems and still feel entitled to complain.

If this is becoming more and more of you being a free resource for her instead of a give-and-take friendship, it might be time to start backing off the relationship. Which is sad. But if she is a "user" (of other people) you could run yourself into the ground trying to help her and end up actually being no help at all.
I agree with everything you said, but especially the part I bolded.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBomb View Post
Start saying no and put some distance between you. She's taking advantage of you!
Unfortunately, I totally agree with this, no matter how hard it will be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AFWife View Post
...Honestly, and I'll sound like a b!tch here, I find those types of people kind of annoying....
Mulvah is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 05:48 PM
 
sanguine_speed's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,591
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParisApril View Post
She said to me, "I know I spent way too much money on this sweater. Isn't it great?" I'm sure it was her money spent.

Isn't she making it my business by telling me all that?
You can answer. "Yes, it's a beautiful sweater." You don't have to acknowledge her comment about the cost.

It sounds like you find your friend annoying and it's time to create distance.

4 kids under 10
sanguine_speed is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 05:52 PM
 
LeahBoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 560
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yeah, my best friend is the same way about money. She makes almost three times the amount I do, smokes - a lot, drinks, goes out partying. She prides herself in shopping thrift stores and never paying more than "$4 for a shirt", but she has SO MANY clothes. Not less than a hundred shirts. Gets lattes every day, eats nothing but processed food. But she's always broke. I sometimes feel guilty when I spend money on things she cannot afford, but I have to stop and remind myself that I budget, don't smoke, drink rarely, eat from scratch, live in an itty bitty apartment, have minimal clothes, no credit card debt, and drive a paid off car.

But she's not a user, she doesn't ask for money. I just hear all the time about her being so broke.

~Dawn
 
Blah blah blah
LeahBoo is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 05:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Not in a bubble!
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

nm

ParisApril is offline  
Old 09-11-2010, 03:04 AM
 
Thystle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 2,423
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We teach people how to treat us.


You have taught this user that it is ok to use you.




Time to teach her a new lesson. You don't have a friendship if you get nothing but being used out of it.

Resistance is futile Matey
Thystle is offline  
Old 09-11-2010, 04:14 PM
 
Ellien C's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: in the middle ages
Posts: 5,496
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by sanguine_speed View Post
You can answer. "Yes, it's a beautiful sweater." You don't have to acknowledge her comment about the cost.

It sounds like you find your friend annoying and it's time to create distance.
I'd be like: How are you going to pay your rent this month? Haven't you been short the last couple of months? Can you take it back? She's going to outgrow it soon anyway. But I'm like that....

Third generation WOHM. I work by choice.
Ellien C is offline  
Old 09-11-2010, 04:51 PM
 
SubliminalDarkness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Outside of Augusta, GA
Posts: 1,409
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellien C View Post
I'd be like: How are you going to pay your rent this month? Haven't you been short the last couple of months? Can you take it back? She's going to outgrow it soon anyway. But I'm like that....
I would, too. Or like, "Man, too bad I don't have extra spending money to blow on unnecessary things."
SubliminalDarkness is offline  
Old 09-11-2010, 06:34 PM
 
vannienicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,052
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My best friend does this too, but it's a guy. I just use the word "unnecessary".
vannienicole is offline  
Old 09-11-2010, 07:06 PM
 
shelbean91's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Mesa, AZ
Posts: 9,290
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
People always (no, generally) find a way to get the things they *want* but never the things they don't want. No one wants to pay bills. they're not fun. But, coffee, clothes, books, toys, etc., are fun. They make her happy. The term 'retail therapy' is there for a reason. Some people actually get a slight 'high' when going shopping. I've been guilty of it myself at times. Spending on the small things, people don't realize that if they buy a $5 cup of coffee every morning, that's $35/week and 140/month. It's not rationalized that way.

If you pointed it out to her, my guess is she wouldn't be enlightened. She knows, but it's easier to bury a head in the sand. I have a sister like this. Goes out partying all the time, gets mani/pedi almost weekly, goes on vacations, etc., but always needs to borrow money for rent and car payment.

You may suggest something like 'money management for dummies' or something, but to expect a change may be a bit much. I'd just keep the distance and try to avoid discussions about money.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
shelbean91 is offline  
Old 09-12-2010, 10:28 AM
 
root*children's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: the South-East's Worst Kept Secret
Posts: 2,770
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well i'm actually a little heartened by this conversation, as my partner and i both have friends that drive us CRAZY they are so bad with money. It's kinda nice, in a weird way, to know that other people struggle with these types of friends as well.

We have long ago learned to not let people use us (NO is a very good word when it comes to friends), but it's still hard to listen to our friends as they go through tough financial times, and as outsiders in the situation, we can easily see what changes they could make to make ends meet. ugh.. hard to watch a friend go through it - but you still can be friends!! You just have to detach a bit

Mama of 3 amazingly sweet kids jumpers.gif, living the dream on our urban farm chicken3.gif

root*children is offline  
Old 09-13-2010, 05:45 PM
 
Norasmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The sunny side of the mountains
Posts: 4,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a friend like this, she is always freaking out about money, yet she also is driving all over, going to visit her family, little road trips, eating out because she doesn't want to cook, going to the store daily.

I get sooooooo sick of hearing about it, go get some budget counseling and be quiet about it. Don't complain that you have 2 car payments when you could have had your car bought and paid for, then got another loan for the bigger car for your family. Instead trade in that car, get a bigger car, then realize you need 2 cars, so you buy another car with another loan.

Oh and don't ask me financial advice when you won't even listen, BUT you asked me. Annoying.

Me Wife to T (14 years)Mama to Princess(4) and Monster Boy(my 1 year old ):
Norasmomma is offline  
Old 09-14-2010, 10:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Not in a bubble!
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

nm

ParisApril is offline  
Old 09-14-2010, 07:46 PM
 
Usually Curious's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,926
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
She bought weed w/tax payer funded welfare? Nice.
Usually Curious is online now  
Old 09-14-2010, 07:57 PM
 
AFWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 5,083
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParisApril View Post
Friend teaches yoga Monday at lunch 2 blocks from my house from 12:15 to 1. She dropped her DD off at 11:45. Didn't get back until just after 2pm. I was annoyed. She said the lady who she works for wanted to show her something on the till so sorry she is so late. I told her she had better call me next time.

Honestly here's my problem. I like her when we are just hanging out together it's fun. I don't want to be her financial councillor, I am already helping her with her clutter issues. I don't want to be a doormat, I just want to hang out sometimes.
Can I be blunt? That's exactly what you are at this point. She didn't call because she knew that she didn't have to and she knows that she can do it again next time because you've never given her a reason to think otherwise. You need to take back some control in the friendship...right now you have none.

Kas (24), Helpmeet to Stefan (25), Mom to Franklin Gaudelio 4/15/09, Jonathan Boswell 1/2/11
AFWife is offline  
Old 11-10-2010, 03:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Not in a bubble!
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

 

I haven't hung out with her for more than an hour 2 x in the past month. 

ParisApril is offline  
Old 11-10-2010, 03:56 PM
 
vannienicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,052
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I wouldn't hang out with her at all if she cares so little and has so little respect for you and your time hug.gif.  I'm sorry you had to deal with a friend like that.

vannienicole is offline  
Old 11-10-2010, 10:15 PM
 
Thystle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 2,423
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

What EXACTLY do you get out of this relationsip?

 

 

Seriously, not in a snarky way, but why do you still stick around? What is the draw?

 

 


Resistance is futile Matey
Thystle is offline  
Old 11-11-2010, 06:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Not in a bubble!
Posts: 1,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Thystle View Post

What EXACTLY do you get out of this relationsip?

 

 

Seriously, not in a snarky way, but why do you still stick around? What is the draw?

 

 

nm.

ParisApril is offline  
Old 11-11-2010, 09:19 AM
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 4,669
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

She is a user.Accept it or say no and see if she will even bother being your friend once you stop doing for her. If you give something(or money) and expect cash later forget it.Loaned money is often never paid back.Consider it a gift.

mattemma04 is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off