My husband kinda doesn't share financial info. Any others out there? - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 03:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
youngspiritmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Home :)
Posts: 502
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hey ladies,

Trying to see if there are any other couples out there where there is not complete transparency about finances between couples.

I am a SAHM, and my husband works.
He puts a set amount into a joint account every month and all our expenses come out of that.
He gives me an amount for myself every month.
The rest goes into a savings account only he has access to (I assume).

If I have any income (I do from time to time) I get to keep it all and don't have to spend it on bills, etc. He doesn't ask how much is my personal account.

I don't see his paycheck, I know roughly how much it is, but I don't really know how much is in our savings. I do know that my husband likes to save as much as possible (better than me!).

This is how his parents did it growing up and I think that's why he prefers this style. I *think* there is a belief that if you don't share the amounts, there is more blessing in it.

I am looking to hear from others where there is not complete transparency in finances. How do you do it? Does it work? Problems? How do you discuss them? etc.

Mothering my sweet preschool boy luxlove.gif and my new arrival bfinfant.gif

youngspiritmom is offline  
#2 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 04:03 AM
 
Thystle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You need to have a deep heart to heart talk and ask what is going on. You should have full knowledge of all matters and acess to accounts (unless jointly decided). You should also know what is on each others credit reports.


It might be the way he was raised, it might be a power play, it might be he is hiding other things. For your peace of mind and financial safety you need to talk about this with him. You would not have posted here if it wasnt bothering you. You may want others to say its ok, but I can guess most will not tell you that. Having no interest in family finances (or helping with the budgets) is NOT the same as no knowledge and no access to your joint property.



Good luck!

Resistance is futile Matey
Thystle is offline  
#3 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 07:07 AM
 
swd12422's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,132
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I don't think you need to change the way the accounts are set up if you're both comfortable with your system, but you DEFINITELY need to know where all the accounts are, what their balances are, and where all the money comes and goes. If anything should happen to your DH unexpectedly, you HAVE to know how to pay the bills and where the money was coming from so you can manage on your own. You don't have to keep tabs on everything every month if that's not your style, but you need to know if his "savings" account has enough of an emergency stash for a few months or $5. You don't want to find this out the hard way, trust me.
swd12422 is online now  
#4 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 08:20 AM
 
GuildJenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Toronto
Posts: 4,776
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I echo what everyone else has said. This is core 'health' information - family financial health. I'd encourage you to talk to your DH about having a semi-annual or annual "board meeting" to go over everything.

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
GuildJenn is offline  
#5 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 09:17 AM
 
The4OfUs's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 5,102
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by swd12422 View Post
I don't think you need to change the way the accounts are set up if you're both comfortable with your system, but you DEFINITELY need to know where all the accounts are, what their balances are, and where all the money comes and goes. If anything should happen to your DH unexpectedly, you HAVE to know how to pay the bills and where the money was coming from so you can manage on your own. You don't have to keep tabs on everything every month if that's not your style, but you need to know if his "savings" account has enough of an emergency stash for a few months or $5. You don't want to find this out the hard way, trust me.

This, exactly. Though personally I wouldn't press for specific numbers, I would just ask for a ballpark as above (is there like 5 bucks or enough for a year?) and ask for *how* to access it (and be giving authority if necessary to the bank). I don't know that I would necessarily even check once I got the info on how to, but just definitely get the info on how to....and that's exactly how I'd approach the conversation with him initially to respect any values he may have about it, not be confrontational and just say your'e concerned that you're totally in the dark and if anything were to happen to him you and your and more importantly your kid would be up the creek, and that's not cool.

For instance, I don't know exactly how much $ my husband has in his personal accounts at any given time (I have a ballpark based on the money he has coming in weekly), but I do have the ability to access them. We pay bills from a joint account set up under my personal account, so he just transfers money from his account to mine every week to cover bills....but I *could* access his account if need be.

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
The4OfUs is offline  
#6 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 02:09 PM
 
hopefulfaith's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,154
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dh probably could have written your post. We found it easier way early in our marriage if one person was in charge of paying bills, etc., and handling basic finance moves and that is me. We each have an account of our own, separate from our family account, where dh has an automatic deposit of what I would reluctantly call an "allowance" where I don't care how he spends it. I have my tiny work paychecks deposited to mine, and I save/spend it how I like.

Anyway. I wanted to write to say that I, as the $ person in our family, hold monthly/bimonthly "board meetings" so that dh knows exactly what page we're on, complete with our investment statements and loan statements, etc.

I post an index card on the fridge about every other day or so to let him know exactly how much is in our savings/checking and on our credit card.

I have a spreadsheet in the back of our "family finances" folder that details every bill I pay, every month, and tells when it has to be paid and exactly how: what the website is, what my online password is, where the money comes from, etc. That way, if anything ever happened to me, he would know how to do it. There's a checklist there that I use each month to pay bills so that either of us can always see what the amount is for cable, let's say, and how much it is/when it's due. When it's paid/automatically deducted, I note the date on its line.

My point is: in our marriage, there is one of us that handles all the day to day stuff. I think it would get messy if we both tried to do it. However, I feel that complete transparency is the way to go with it. Financially (and in all ways), I want us both to be on equal footing.

Mama to A 8/05 and S 11/06
hopefulfaith is offline  
#7 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 02:14 PM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,865
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
ITA with pp's. It's not necessarily a bad thing, if it's working for you all, but you do need to know and be able to access all accts. Not to scare you, but my FIL passed away unexpectedly a few years back. FIL handled all the finances, and MIL had no idea about debts, savings accounts, life insurance nada. Not only did she not have that information, but she also did not have the skills to manage those finiances (and no inclination to learn). It's a terrible situation to be in.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
#8 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 04:19 PM
 
mommariffic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: the rolling hills, New Jersey
Posts: 1,794
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We are like this in a sense

I am terrible at financial stuff (no excuse there, but I will admit it) so as a stay at home mom I gave him total control over that. Most of our bills are paid automatically, and he puts money into an account for me monthly for all expenses I need for the house (food, clothing, fun stuff..) That said, I am aware of how much money we have, and all our accounts. I think it's important to know how much you have, but I am okay with DH having handling the financial stuff

blogging.jpg    fambedsingle2.gif  homebirth.jpg  read.gif  happy momma to DD 8/07 and DS 6/10
mommariffic is offline  
#9 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 05:20 PM
 
honeybunmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,712
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
We're getting to finances in our marriage counseling and the two core beliefs our therapist has left us to ponder are 1) the concept that all money is OUR money and 2) total transparency. Money can either be a very unifying factor in a relationship or a very devisive one. It sounds like things are "ok" as is. However, like other posters, I would encourage you to become fully informed. What would you do if something suddenly happened to your dh? Would you even know how to access the savings account? Do you know whether you are identified as an owner of the account or would you have to jump through some as yet to be identified hoops to access it?

I actually earn and manage the money/finances in our relationship. I have provided dh with all log in names and passwords and keep our bills in a folder or notebook he can access upon his choosing.

Mama to add 10/05; ds 3/09, and two angels
honeybunmom is online now  
#10 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 05:22 PM
 
Ruthiegirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Feet in the mud, head in the clouds
Posts: 3,636
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Have you asked him about your finances? Where money goes? What savings goals? What his money flow looks like? Do you feel comfortable asking him to 'open the books' and share with you?

Frugal, food growing mama to my four loves

Ruthiegirl is offline  
#11 of 65 Old 09-29-2010, 08:50 PM
 
NightOwlwithowlet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 343
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DH pays the bills, but I have access to all the accounts and know roughly (within $100) what's in them. I WOH. I work per diem, but if I did work full time, I'd make more than DH. If money is tight, I will check to see if there is enough money before I spend large amounts. We use to have separate accounts, but since we've had joint ones, we are much more careful with money.

I wouldn't be okay with being a SAHM and not having access to all the money. That is my issue, but I'd feel much too vulnerable. DH has never given any reason not to trust him, but my dad and my ex weren't honest about money.
NightOwlwithowlet is offline  
#12 of 65 Old 09-30-2010, 08:00 AM
 
newbymom05's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When we first married my husband wanted to be in charge of all the finances, but I (gently) fought him on it and now I pay all the bills, balance the checkbook, am aware of/have a say in all our investments, etc. Like the other PPs, I have an easily accessible system that my DH can see at any time. It took us a couple of months to get into the groove and there were some disagreements along the way, but now he's thrilled that he doesn't have to deal w/ the PIA minutia of our finances.

The irony is that my husband has an BA in accounting and an MBA in finance, but as a SAHM I felt very strongly that I needed the security of knowing our financial situation. It also just makes sense--I direct and spend the majority of his take-home pay (groceries, kid activities, etc) so I need to be aware of our larger budget and spending goals.
newbymom05 is offline  
#13 of 65 Old 09-30-2010, 02:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
youngspiritmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Home :)
Posts: 502
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you all for the great responses. I really like the idea of scheduling a meeting with DH about finances in general. I think I am going to do that and bring up this issue as one of the things to discuss. I do feel left out and I do wish that there was more transparency when it comes to our money. However, like newbymom05, I think it will be a bit of a struggle at first to get him to comply. He has a Finance background, and was also raised in a home where his father was very private about money and didn't share info with his mom. So kind of an uphill battle here. I think the reason I have been avoiding this issue is that I have been kind of "keeping the peace" in our marriage. This is a *very* sensitive issue for him, and the way it is is mostly working for us, so I didn't want to rock the boat. I know this is NOT the financially safe move as a woman (I've read "Smart Women Finish Rich"), especially if something were to happen to him, but to be quite honest, in reality, I am not willing to create chaos in my marriage over this disagreement. This is going to have to be one battle that I fight slowly and strategically.

However, I didn't specify in my original post these details: Yes, I know which accounts he has and where. I know where his savings account is. I know I am listed as the next of kin (if he dies) on the account, but I am NOT listed as an account holder. I know where he has an investment account and what companies he is invested in. But I don't have access to these account or know the balances (my biggest issue).

Mothering my sweet preschool boy luxlove.gif and my new arrival bfinfant.gif

youngspiritmom is offline  
#14 of 65 Old 09-30-2010, 02:12 PM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,865
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by youngspiritmom View Post
However, I didn't specify in my original post these details: Yes, I know which accounts he has and where. I know where his savings account is. I know I am listed as the next of kin (if he dies) on the account, but I am NOT listed as an account holder. I know where he has an investment account and what companies he is invested in. But I don't have access to these account or know the balances (my biggest issue).
Perhaps you can request to just know the log in info, instead of being a joint account holder. So you could view, but not make changes?

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
#15 of 65 Old 09-30-2010, 02:40 PM
 
newbymom05's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 2,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by youngspiritmom View Post
Thank you all for the great responses. I really like the idea of scheduling a meeting with DH about finances in general. I think I am going to do that and bring up this issue as one of the things to discuss. I do feel left out and I do wish that there was more transparency when it comes to our money. However, like newbymom05, I think it will be a bit of a struggle at first to get him to comply. He has a Finance background, and was also raised in a home where his father was very private about money and didn't share info with his mom. So kind of an uphill battle here. I think the reason I have been avoiding this issue is that I have been kind of "keeping the peace" in our marriage. This is a *very* sensitive issue for him, and the way it is is mostly working for us, so I didn't want to rock the boat. I know this is NOT the financially safe move as a woman (I've read "Smart Women Finish Rich"), especially if something were to happen to him, but to be quite honest, in reality, I am not willing to create chaos in my marriage over this disagreement. This is going to have to be one battle that I fight slowly and strategically.

However, I didn't specify in my original post these details: Yes, I know which accounts he has and where. I know where his savings account is. I know I am listed as the next of kin (if he dies) on the account, but I am NOT listed as an account holder. I know where he has an investment account and what companies he is invested in. But I don't have access to these account or know the balances (my biggest issue).
His investment accounts were my final frontier, lol. I still don't have much say in his 401, but that's fine since I have my own IRA. That's how I got on all his accounts, basically--I started a bond IRA for myself w/ some of our tax return before the market tanked, and he was so outraged that I hadn't put it in his 100% stocks 401 that he encouraged me to start watching the market and playing around w/ his Ameritrade acct.

Slow steps for sure. First it was phone calls to work, "How about XYZ" and discussions at dinner, and of course I always wanted to actually make the trade during work hours, necessitating he come home and log in, etc. so he eventually just gave me the info rather than deal w/ it It also helped that my first few picks were winners. I also think for my DH it was a matter of trust. His own mother was kind of flaky and had nothing to do w/ finances, so I think at first he was secretly afraid I'd buy magic beans or something.
newbymom05 is offline  
#16 of 65 Old 09-30-2010, 02:59 PM
 
ltlmrs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 297
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm going to be the only one who probably thinks this way, but I wish that I were in your shoes. To be honest, I wish I did not have the weight on my shoulders of worrying over our finances. I wish he would just give me a set amount of money to spend on groceries and other expenses each month and he figured out the rest. Currently, it is just too easy for me to go over budget and spend money we don't have. But, even if I didn't overspend, I'd rather just worry about my day to day affairs and not spend time thinking about the next paycheck or how much (or how little) savings we have, etc.

ETA: For me this is very much a trust issue. I trust my husband unconditionally about everything, otherwise I wouldn't have married him. I also know that he has mine and my family's best interests in mind and would never knowingly do anything that would hurt us. In fact, even our current set up where I handle everything financial is because *he* wanted it this way since I have an accounting background and he knows I'm better at figuring these things out.
ltlmrs is offline  
#17 of 65 Old 09-30-2010, 03:09 PM
 
EFmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 8,103
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That would be an absolute non-starter for me. I would be fine if dh wanted to pay the bills, but all our accounts are joint accounts, and nobody but nobody would decide how much to "give" me out of the family money. I am not a child. I am an equal adult partner in the relationship. How we budget is entirely a joint decision.

I happen to work out of the home, and dh and I earn about the same amount. But that's immaterial. It is still family money no matter who earns it.

Money is very important in a marriage. Secrets are very bad in a marriage. I can't see how combining the two isn't a recipe for somebody to get very badly hurt, and chances are excellent it's not going to be the one who has their name on the bank accounts.
EFmom is offline  
#18 of 65 Old 09-30-2010, 03:36 PM
 
MeepyCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 3,669
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 18 Post(s)
My DH and I don't have complete transparency. He pays the mortgage and one daycare, I pay the bills and the other daycare, but we don't have a joint account. (We've talked about starting one, just not gotten around to it.) We're each responsible for our personal expenses (credit cards, cell phones, etc.). I know what banks he has accounts at, and I have a vague idea of how much he has in cash accounts (too much, IMO - he needs to invest, and so I have told him). I have a vague sense of what his salary is. We file a joint tax return, though, so my not knowing is because I'm not worried about it - I could look it up, no prob. I don't know if DH has the same sense of what I make and have, I can't recall him asking.

This works for us. I don't know why it works - I understand that the lack of transparency should be making us nuts. But honestly, we're okay. I tried to pull together some information on household expenses the other month (trying to see how much we're spending on childcare and other stuff, to see whether we should reconsider anything), and DH was happy to answer my questions and get me his info. I showed him the results, and asked for comments and got back "that looks about right."

I know we "should" share more, and when we've needed to (when I've needed money or when he has), we have. In general, I like being the person in control of my own money, not having to justify myself to DH when I buy things, and he appreciates the same. I think that if we didn't generally have enough money, this system would be an absolute non-starter. If one of us was staying home, or if our expenses were a higher percentage of our total income, this would not work. If we weren't both comfortable with this, it wouldn't work either.

Just to say: it can be a functional system. It's not always bad.
MeepyCat is online now  
#19 of 65 Old 10-01-2010, 04:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
youngspiritmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Home :)
Posts: 502
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The range of responses here are so interesting. To me, it seems that the most important issue (from a marriage standpoint) is that both spouses agree with the system, no matter what it is. However, from a financial standpoint, to me, it seems like the importance of transparency is a no brainer.

My problem, I suppose, is that only ONE of us (DH) really approves of the system. I'm kind of left having to "work on" my husband slowly to get him to change.

To be honest, my personal views are VERY close to EFmom when she said

Quote:
Originally Posted by EFmom View Post
That would be an absolute non-starter for me. I would be fine if dh wanted to pay the bills, but all our accounts are joint accounts, and nobody but nobody would decide how much to "give" me out of the family money. I am not a child. I am an equal adult partner in the relationship. How we budget is entirely a joint decision.
....but when push comes to shove, I really can't make my husband see it this way. He doesn't agree to put my name on the account. And he receives the paycheck, and decides to give me money. I can't wrangle control from him, and despite my slow attempts to "work on" him, he hasn't budged. Even if I tell him "I'm not a child, it's family money, budgeting should be a joint thing, it's financially safer to have both names on our account," he doesn't agree. And therefore keeps things as they are.

Power struggle? Maybe. But I really truly love my DH. A lot. And I 100% trust him. He is generous. He is honest. But he is just not transparent with money.

I can't just create chaos in our marriage/home life because I feel that he is not sharing and treating me like a child. What can I do? Kick, scream, divorce him? No way. And I really don't know how else to get him to change his mind. In "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" the woman says "A man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck, and the neck can turn the head whichever way it wants." Sounds nice. But it doesn't work for me. So, I just opt to keep the peace. So I think that is why things stay as they are......

Mothering my sweet preschool boy luxlove.gif and my new arrival bfinfant.gif

youngspiritmom is offline  
#20 of 65 Old 10-01-2010, 07:21 AM
 
GuildJenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Toronto
Posts: 4,776
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by youngspiritmom View Post

Power struggle? Maybe. But I really truly love my DH. A lot. And I 100% trust him. He is generous. He is honest. But he is just not transparent with money.

I can't just create chaos in our marriage/home life because I feel that he is not sharing and treating me like a child. What can I do? Kick, scream, divorce him? No way. And I really don't know how else to get him to change his mind. In "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" the woman says "A man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck, and the neck can turn the head whichever way it wants." Sounds nice. But it doesn't work for me. So, I just opt to keep the peace. So I think that is why things stay as they are......
Well I've been in arguments with my husband that I didn't win. But he's always been willing to listen to me, particularly if he understood how important it is to me. I'm more important than his favourite system.

I might suggest some counselling or talking together with a trusted advisor about this. Keeping the peace is great on small things, I think - but for me anyway and it sounds like for you, this is a pretty big thing.

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
GuildJenn is offline  
#21 of 65 Old 10-01-2010, 10:15 AM
 
EFmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 8,103
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by youngspiritmom View Post
The range of responses here are so interesting. To me, it seems that the most important issue (from a marriage standpoint) is that both spouses agree with the system, no matter what it is. However, from a financial standpoint, to me, it seems like the importance of transparency is a no brainer.

My problem, I suppose, is that only ONE of us (DH) really approves of the system. I'm kind of left having to "work on" my husband slowly to get him to change.

To be honest, my personal views are VERY close to EFmom when she said



....but when push comes to shove, I really can't make my husband see it this way. He doesn't agree to put my name on the account. And he receives the paycheck, and decides to give me money. I can't wrangle control from him, and despite my slow attempts to "work on" him, he hasn't budged. Even if I tell him "I'm not a child, it's family money, budgeting should be a joint thing, it's financially safer to have both names on our account," he doesn't agree. And therefore keeps things as they are.

Power struggle? Maybe. But I really truly love my DH. A lot. And I 100% trust him. He is generous. He is honest. But he is just not transparent with money.

I can't just create chaos in our marriage/home life because I feel that he is not sharing and treating me like a child. What can I do? Kick, scream, divorce him? No way. And I really don't know how else to get him to change his mind. In "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" the woman says "A man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck, and the neck can turn the head whichever way it wants." Sounds nice. But it doesn't work for me. So, I just opt to keep the peace. So I think that is why things stay as they are......
Kicking, screaming and divorcing him would be a perfectly acceptable alternative to me to the situation you are in. I wouldn't see it that I was creating chaos, I would be fixing a dangerous and fundamental flaw in the relationship.

But I have a very egalitarian relationship, and would never for a minute have entered into anything where we were not equal partners.
EFmom is offline  
#22 of 65 Old 10-01-2010, 11:30 AM
 
swd12422's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,132
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
There is a big difference between being "next of kin" and joint owner on an account. It's called estate taxes. IDK what the laws are where you are, but G-D forbid your DH gets in an accident and his accounts go to probate, you'll lose most of what's in there. If you're a joint owner, the money is just yours when he passes.

I get that he's doing it "the way it's always been done" in his family. But it's not smart. You have to protect yourself (and he should be doing that, too). Is it possibly a trust issue? You mentioned that he does "better" at saving than you do. Is there a way to convince him that you are not planning to access the accounts at all, that it's just a matter of keeping yourself informed about what you have in the event of an emergency, and of protecting your assets?

I can't imagine that he'd argue with that, unless there's something funny going on.

DH's paycheck goes into a joint account that he and I share. He pays all the bills. I have no idea how much our cable bill is each month, or even how much DH's paycheck is, but I can find out any time I want to. He has his own retirement accounts, and he does with them what he pleases. I don't dictate to him what to invest in, and he does the same with me. But we know what we have, so that if one dies unexpectedly, the other can feel secure knowing there's enough to provide for x months of expenses.

ETA: And since we're on the topic of divorce, you MUST have access to some money somewhere, whether it's "your own" account or a joint one. If things get ugly with DH (not saying they will, but scary and awful things can happen to anyone), you will need access to some money to get yourself and the kids out and safe. Even if it's "just a divorce" with nothing violent happening, you can't hire a lawyer w/o a retainer. You can't get a retainer w/o access to some money. If DH blocks your access to any of the money, he can clean out the accounts himself and then claim there's no money to give you in a settlement. (I know it's morbid, but I've seen stuff like this happen, and it's scary to think of being left literally penniless.)
swd12422 is online now  
#23 of 65 Old 10-01-2010, 12:25 PM
 
zuleicamoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 192
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EFmom View Post
Kicking, screaming and divorcing him would be a perfectly acceptable alternative to me to the situation you are in. I wouldn't see it that I was creating chaos, I would be fixing a dangerous and fundamental flaw in the relationship.
I agree with this - there are some thing worth creating a fuss over and this would be one of them for me. Besides, why isn't your dh concerned with "keeping the peace" regarding finances by hearing what you have to say and being will to change some things around to make you safer financially? Perhaps by keeping the peace here, you're making it easy for him to assume that this isn't really that big of a deal to you. Maybe a little kicking and screaming is warranted to make sure your point is getting through loud and clear.

People can have different money-management styles, sure. But this is more than just having an opinion on how to best manage money - one partner is putting the other in financial jeopardy by clinging to their "style" and it should be unacceptable.
zuleicamoon is offline  
#24 of 65 Old 10-01-2010, 03:00 PM
 
honeybunmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,712
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by youngspiritmom View Post
Power struggle? Maybe. But I really truly love my DH. A lot. And I 100% trust him. He is generous. He is honest. But he is just not transparent with money.

I can't just create chaos in our marriage/home life because I feel that he is not sharing and treating me like a child. What can I do? Kick, scream, divorce him? No way. And I really don't know how else to get him to change his mind. In "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" the woman says "A man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck, and the neck can turn the head whichever way it wants." Sounds nice. But it doesn't work for me. So, I just opt to keep the peace. So I think that is why things stay as they are......
From what you've said, though, I'm getting the sense that he doesn't trust you enough for him to choose financial transparency with you. That would disturb me to no end. I've got that issue with my husband, but, since I earn all of the money, it disturbs me less than it would if I were wholly dependent financially on him.

Mama to add 10/05; ds 3/09, and two angels
honeybunmom is online now  
#25 of 65 Old 10-01-2010, 03:51 PM
 
GuildJenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Toronto
Posts: 4,776
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by swd12422 View Post
There is a big difference between being "next of kin" and joint owner on an account. It's called estate taxes. IDK what the laws are where you are, but G-D forbid your DH gets in an accident and his accounts go to probate, you'll lose most of what's in there. If you're a joint owner, the money is just yours when he passes.
This is a really good point - and also I believe those accounts freeze until probate is finished.

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
GuildJenn is offline  
#26 of 65 Old 10-01-2010, 04:42 PM
 
mnnice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,201
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EFmom View Post
Kicking, screaming and divorcing him would be a perfectly acceptable alternative to me to the situation you are in. I wouldn't see it that I was creating chaos, I would be fixing a dangerous and fundamental flaw in the relationship.

But I have a very egalitarian relationship, and would never for a minute have entered into anything where we were not equal partners.
I think divorce some pretty radical, but I totally agree with EF point.
Either partner can do the day to day recordkeeping that goes with running a household. I actually think it works best if it is one individuals job (at a time anyway) DH and I have each had our stints. Right now DH pays the bills from two different accounts. I don't worry about it or try to micromanage every dime he spends. We do have on line access to both accounts and I can look anytime I feel like it and vice versa.
mnnice is offline  
#27 of 65 Old 10-02-2010, 01:06 AM
 
DeerMother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: next to the fireplace
Posts: 2,203
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by EFmom View Post
Kicking, screaming and divorcing him would be a perfectly acceptable alternative to me to the situation you are in. I wouldn't see it that I was creating chaos, I would be fixing a dangerous and fundamental flaw in the relationship.

But I have a very egalitarian relationship, and would never for a minute have entered into anything where we were not equal partners.
Yup. I'd also add that the chaos is already there. He may feel financially secure, but you, being totally out of the loop, do not. Is he like his parents in all other matters? If not, I find the, " this is how my parents did it" excuse to be pretty lame.

Saying this gently, when one partner controls the money, keeps the other person in the dark, forces a partner to ask for money for needs or wants, refuses to add her name to accounts- it's economic abuse. If this were going on in my marriage (it was), I'd look at other aspects of our relationship and determine if it was where I needed it to be.

 Single mama to two wild and sweet toddlers 2/08
DeerMother is offline  
#28 of 65 Old 10-02-2010, 09:16 AM
 
The4OfUs's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 5,102
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OK, so how about approaching him in this way (not that I think you should have to do this much leg work/convincing, but if you're intent on 'keeping the peace' in this situation, I want to try to give some actual ways to make it work):

1. See if you can get some kind of official state statute or something like that that shows as next of kin you're going to be screwed if something happens to him, that you and your kid will essentially be in the lurch - I dunno, from a lawyer or financial advisor, I have to imagine someone would be willing to help you out for little or no money, or at least point you to where you could get some kind of legal statute. Show this to him and ask that your name be put on the account soley so that money isn't bound up in legal tape if a tragedy occurs. An actual physical document would really help with this

2. Have him type and print up a list of the account numbers and locations and any online passwords, and put the paper in your lock box or safe (perhaps I am assuming everyone has a lock box or safe, cause we do) so that *if* something should happen to him, you're not left in the lurch figuring things out. Hell, even have him seal it in an envelope so that it's less "I want to see our accounts" and more "In case of emergency". And then just really leave it there in the lockbox and don't take it out to check things out.

3. Ask not for a dollar figure, but if something happens to him, do you need to look for a job that week? Next month? 6 months from now? That is the info you need to know for you and your child.

Then I'd let the other details go (IF I was trying to keep the peace and this was a contentious issue in my marriage). Because really, if the bills are paid, you have money for discretionary income, you know how quickly you'd need to get back to work if a tragedy happened, and you *could* access the accounts if you really needed to in an emergency, that's what you need to know from a tragedy standpoint, in the bare bones sense.

THEN, HOWEVER, I'd work on why he is stuck in this frame of mind and why it would seem that he doesn't trust you (which may or may not be true). That would HAVE to be addressed, somehow, be it through a secular or religious counselor, legal or financial advisor, or whatever.

The more I think about it, the less I have a problem with him handling the money and "giving" you discretionary money every month - that's not an issue to me at all, it doesn't feel childlike or anything to me - it sounds like he gets the money from his job and then puts it where it needs to be so that everything is covered and everyone has what they need, and a little of what they want (discretionary) - the fact that he doesn't bother YOU about any money you happen to make makes him seem less "evil" to me. I think if he were truly abusively controlling about this, he'd require you to tell him how you spent the money he gave you and he'd "make" you fork his money over to him to control and dole out instead of "letting" you do what you want with it. Do you think that there's any issue like he doesn't want to admit to his own mortality or something? Like in denial that anything would ever happen to him? Like, why 80% (or whatever the real percentage is) of people don't make wills? Or that if you "need" to have access to the accounts, it's because he's ungenerous or not fulfilling his responsibility to you (which is maybe a source of pride to him?) ? I dunno - I'd have to get to the root of it and figure out exactly why he's refusing, if it was my husband. At the very least to understand him.

Personally, I think your best bet is to try to approach it from a legofinancial (is that a word? ) direction, as it's harder to argue with logic/laws than it is to argue with emotions (like trust and love) and 'tradition'. I think the bare bones are: You need to be legally on the accounts as a joint owner in case of emergency, and you need to know how much reserve you have for monthly expenses if something happens to him and you and your child are on your own.

Propose this to him: He gets in a car accident and is in a coma for several weeks. You still have to pay bills. How are you going to do that if you're not on the accounts or only on as next of kin? He's not dead, but he can't give access consent either. If he can give a satisfactory answer to that that has legal standing, then OK. If not, then you need to be on the account.

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
The4OfUs is offline  
#29 of 65 Old 10-02-2010, 02:12 PM
 
ikesmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think the finances should be a joint thing..I have access to all the info and we discuss major purchases before we do them. I only manage some of the bills ; house payment, HOA, children's various activities/sports, groceries, and church tithe. Dh does the rest..but I have all the pass codes and info on a sheet so that I can act if I need to.

My advice would be to get your own separate savings account and keep it to yourself. I don't advocate this for union of a marriage (one) , but I think that it would be in your best interest..also your dh's interest as well if this is going to blow a hole through your marriage. I would still encourage your involvement in the finances..its a control issue. If someone is protective..there is a fear behind it. If you guys need to work on trust or go to counseling to develop a better relationship then I would do that first. The "hell no" approach is not usually effective. Use honey instead of vinegar . Good luck!
ikesmom is offline  
#30 of 65 Old 10-06-2010, 09:16 PM
 
Staceyy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 247
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My girlfriend's husband recently passed away. She was not listed as the beneficiary on his bank accounts. She has not been able to access the funds.
Staceyy is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off