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Old 04-26-2011, 07:42 AM
 
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I couldn't *not* reply.  I've never heard such of such a desperate situation.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  I'm at a loss for comforting words and in your situation I don't really know much more that you can do other than what you've done.  I guess for starters, forget about the medical bills.  Let them go and don't worry about paying them.  I think it's a crime in the US that people go hungry because they can't afford their health care.  That should never happen in a civilized society.  Just don't worry about paying your hospital bills.  Let them go to collections.  They can't garnish any disability payments your dh might receive, so let it go.  You have no taxable income, so they really can't do anything.  If you have to, you can eventually file bankruptcy on them and there are ways to protect your assets such as your house.

 

The other thing I was thinking about is the house.  Is there anyone that you trust that you could "gift" the home to?  Someone who would not sell it out from under you, but would keep it for your future and gift it back to you?  I'm thinking this must be the asset that is preventing you from getting social services.  I know this sounds risky, but you might try to talk to a lawyer (I'm sure there are those who will help pro bono) to see how you might get the assets off of your own books, but protect them for you to get them back in the future.  I have no idea if that is even possible.

 

I know that for privacy reasons, you don't want to disclose more information on a public forum.  I don't blame you one bit, and I'm cautious, as well.  Some of the nuances of your situation may mean that there ARE other options available, but based on what you've written, I just don't know what.  All I can say is that you sound like a very strong woman and wonderful mother and wife.  With everything you are dealing with, I commend you for still being able to get up in the morning.  Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Best of luck!!


Your story is totally heartbreaking and the fact that you have survived as long as you have is pretty amazing. 

 

I am sort of curious if there are any group home situations in your area.  Sometimes they have live in staff.  Maybe DH could live there as a resident and you (and your two little ones too) could live as some sort of live in staff. 

 

Directionally, you need a situation where you have some respite and your family can remain as intact as possible.  I think the POA thing needs to be done due to the poor judgements he has made when  he was in an even better state. 

 

I know you may not have the mental energy for it either, but you older child most likely would be qualify for early childhood special education.  What that looks like would vary from place to place, but it too should provide you with some time away from his/her needs in a setting where they will understand the needs your child has.

 


 

 

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Old 04-26-2011, 08:47 PM
 
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

 

 

Is there a chance that your hubby will get violent or be unsafe to you and the kids the worse his condition gets? If so you need to make the very hard decision of having a back up plan for you and the kids (even if it means him going inpatient) to keep everyone safe. I know alot of the military folks are coming back "messed up" not to mention someone who has a brain problem that causes changes in behaviour. If he has been acting not like himself and if it's going to be worse, you should have a seperate Plan C in place for just you and the kids. That needs to factor into your where to move plan.  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

 

Is your mom going to help pay to get you guys out there? Do you know for sure you are moving and have a date yet?


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Old 04-29-2011, 07:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We are 99% sure moving and my mom is TRYING to help with the moving costs but she doesn't have a whole lot of money at the moment either.  She has a lot of assets but is tight on free cash, so I don't know how much help she can be...

 

The Plan C, I guess, is to get him in an inpatient program if he gets violent...  And then continue on...  I think it would balance out.  Actually I think I could do just as well if H was out of the picture, financially... It would be easier if he was making full disability, sure, but as of right now with his partial disability, I'm still limited by not being able to work.  In an ideal life I want to stay home with the kids and homeschool and do self sustainable stuff and unjob, and we might be able to do that, but I don't know.

 

I just have to wrap my mind around the fact that most of the "social net of safety" network stuff isn't something we can count on because we've moved around so much and had gifts from my mom to help pay off debt and house transfers etc and they do look at the past few years.  The last thing I want them to think is that we're trying to scam welfare or something stupid like that.  So programs are pretty much out.  Whee.

 

I'm a bit distraught.  He had another fit yesterday and while I went into the kids' school to pick them up he just... took off.  He came back a few hours later but he left the car on, unlocked, and running for the 20+ minutes that I was gone.  In the middle of a city area where there is INSANE amounts of car and property theft.  My laptop was in it too which I take with me everywhere cos it has everything on it including novels I've written and just etc.  And then last night someone tried to break into our apartment at 10 PM.  Maybe it was just a drunk person but it freaked me out.  Not a good day.  He really should be an inpatient but if he gets to be one here, and I have to move, then I can't even visit him - and they JUST let him out after him being there for a few months - if he had to go back already they'd just, like, keep him there.  And I can't stay here by myself with the kids, it's too dangerous.  Maybe we can move to Florida first and then see about treatment options... but we have to make it there first.  And he's in the middle of treatment to see if the growth he has on his chest is cancerous or benign, they just did a biopsy yesterday morning.  Not only are brain lesions an issue now he might have some sort of chest tumor as well.  But they don't have any appointments open to him until the end of May.  URGH.

 

Not to mention they turned us away from FOUR urgent care clinics when my son smashed his head open, telling us to go to the emergency room instead.  I told them we couldn't AFFORD to but they said medical care is important so just go.  No, you don't understand, we can't.  DH just bandaged him up himself (he has training, so he's not inept or anything, and he's treated a lot worse injuries... but we still wanted him to have "proper" medical care in case someone got nosy about whether we got treatment for him or not - plus, I mean, DH isn't a doctor, and didn't have the right supplies, and whatever).  He's doing fine now (it's been a few days) but it's going to leave a big scar and it just sucks that we were in the medical offices, MULTIPLE ones, and they wouldn't see a crying, bleeding little boy because we couldn't afford to be passed on to the emergency room.  I asked them WHY not, and they said policy was that in someone "so young" is for everyone to be seen at the children's hospital emergency room.  Really, for a cut??  They're like, "they have good financial plans, you can pay just a few hundred dollars a month for a while until you pay it off." Oh, yeah, a few hundred dollars, that's NOTHING.

 

Pity party over.

 

ETA:  I've been trying to contact people for estimates on how we can get the house in order.  My biggest concerns are the garage door ($1000), painting (this is going to suck and will be expensive), the chimney (??? a LOT), the flooring (already have people for them too - $500), cleaning (a few hundred maybe for top to bottom), packing things up, and the yardwork (again very expensive cos we have a mess of a yard both front and back).  There is also a crack in the driveway but I don't care about that right now...  I can't think of anything else.  We were going to get a new furnace but whatever, not now, that'd be a few more thousand.  And general handiwork stuff - like the holes in the walls where the kids pulled the curtain rods down... It's going to be a pretty chunk of change.  I'm trying to see if we can get the VA to help us break our lease here in the apartment - it's not up until next March and there's no way we can stay there that long.


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Old 04-29-2011, 08:39 AM
 
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I still say you don't need to fix up the house to sell. It's called selling as is. Yes, you may end up getting less because of it but with all you're dealing with right now, it sounds like it's not worth the hassle. 


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Old 04-29-2011, 12:51 PM
 
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I still say you don't need to fix up the house to sell. It's called selling as is. Yes, you may end up getting less because of it but with all you're dealing with right now, it sounds like it's not worth the hassle. 



good advice.

 

OP-  I used to be in the real estate business and dealt with a lot of estate settlements, divorces and other situations where houses were left in less then perfect order.   What you describe doesn't sound that bad at all - paint and holes from curtain rods are cosmetic and easy fixes for a buyer.  As far as major items like furnaces, they are expected to have useful lives.  As long as the furnance is operating, that is good enough for the average real estate transaction.   If it isn't operating, well, that is disclosed when the house is listed and priced accordingly.  Houses are sold "as is" all the time.  Another thing to consider is you likely won't get dollar for dollar back on the improvements so it might be good to just cut your losses and move on if selling it is a good option.

 

 

 


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Old 04-29-2011, 01:15 PM
 
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---The last thing I want them to think is that we're trying to scam welfare or something stupid like that.  So programs are pretty much out.  Whee.



Assumptions!  Keep asking mama, don't give up!

 

Go to the WIC office ASAP.  That will free  up $100/mo for other things.  They can also direct you to other social services.

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Old 04-29-2011, 07:09 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not respond.  Everyone else has already said anything useful that I thought to type, but I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family.  It sounds like you've been to hell and back - you sound like an amazing, strong woman and the only thing I'm wondering is...are you able to take a minute now and then for just you?  Even if it's a cup of coffee before everyone wakes up in the morning, I hope you get a moment for you now and then.  Peace, mama.


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Old 04-29-2011, 09:43 PM
 
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good advice.

 

OP-  I used to be in the real estate business and dealt with a lot of estate settlements, divorces and other situations where houses were left in less then perfect order.   What you describe doesn't sound that bad at all - paint and holes from curtain rods are cosmetic and easy fixes for a buyer.  As far as major items like furnaces, they are expected to have useful lives.  As long as the furnance is operating, that is good enough for the average real estate transaction.   If it isn't operating, well, that is disclosed when the house is listed and priced accordingly.  Houses are sold "as is" all the time.  Another thing to consider is you likely won't get dollar for dollar back on the improvements so it might be good to just cut your losses and move on if selling it is a good option.

 

 

 


ESPECIALLY since you are putting money into the house in terms of utilities and taxes, and it's keeping you from accessing programs you need. Every day you own this house is costing you money, isn't it? If you could buy someplace where you need to be, then, if I read correctly, it WON'T count against you because it's your residence.

 

When we purchased our home, it had many of the problems you describe, and we considered lots of homes in even worse shape. We've replaced the furnace, some of the flooring, and are working on the yard. Our seller included a carpet allowance to make it more attractive - you might talk to a real estate agent about including some allowances to entire buyers, but I think getting it off your hands might be an excellent thing.
 

 

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Old 05-06-2011, 06:12 AM
 
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Hugs mama! My dh is on disability from military injuries. We are still waiting for a decision from the VA to change his rating form 60% to 100%. It has been over 6 months so far but we are working with an advocate who knows the ins and outs of the system and says there is a good chance we will get the change we want. I hope you can find an advocate as it is the only way we even thought it possible to challenge the VA. I will say that things have been way better as my dh used to live on pain meds to just move and now he doesn't take them anymore. When he was on them it would make him act distant and it hurt so much and now that he found that reishi and turkey tail mushrooms have the same effect on his pain, he can get the relief and still be a loving husband and parent. Not sure if this info can help you OP, but perhaps someone!
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Old 05-06-2011, 07:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We are working with an advocate although I daresay the man is as ineffective as can be. We had a great one back in CT but the one out here likes to talk talk talk about how useful he is and never gets a thing done.

As of two nights ago H is in the hospital again as an inpatient; his social worker said he might be out in 7-10 days. I dunno. I'm trying to go see him today but the boy woke up with a cold so if I can't take him to preschool I won't be able to talk to him until Monday. And if i can't take him or the girl to school Monday, yikes... Mon and Tues while they're gone is all the time I have left to pack up the apartment and sell everything that doesn't fit into one moving pod by Weds, as that's moving day.

Anyway, that's the update.

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Old 05-07-2011, 07:15 AM
 
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Hugs mama! I wish we were close and I would be there in a heartbeat to help with moving/kids or whatever. Praying you find strength right now.
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Old 05-08-2011, 08:58 AM
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I couldn't read and not respond either.

 

I know you will be far away from your house, but is there any way you could hire a property manager to take care of your house and generate some rental income until you're in a position to sell it?  We did this once when my ex's job took us overseas for a couple of years.  We didn't have to pay the property manager outright, he took a cut of the rent every month. 

 

 


This is a really good idea--try to rent out the house through a property manager. 

 


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Old 05-08-2011, 09:04 AM
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The house is worth about 200K.   and it needs at least 10K of work to go into it before we can sell it.  We just don't have credit or money to do that. 

 

several muggings, all the cars in the garage had their windows broken (except ours and one other car), a bunch of vandalism, and weed smoked in the halls, and even our doormat was stolen from in front of our door (and this is controlled access) - and this one guy said "hey beautiful, I've been watching you" to me as I walked with the kids on the elevator as he followed me down the hall.  OK.  Excellent.  Never mind LEAVING the apartment and walking to the park - and two people got randomly shot on the public bus this past week, so forget just taking the bus somewhere safer. 


 

So sell it for 100K or 150K or 175K or whatever you can get for it.  There are buyers who would definitely do the 10K of work themselves if they got a really good deal on the house.  That's a LOT more money than you have now, even if you sell it for 100K.  (Houses are only actually worth what people will buy them for)

 

And I get that you don't want to talk about your CO issues here, but it seems that it would be hard-pressed to be worse there than what you're dealing with now.

 

Sometimes you have to think outside the box, as they say.  Hanging on to such a rich asset as your house, without renting it, selling it, or living there, doesn't make sense in your situation. 

 


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Old 07-20-2011, 01:38 AM
 
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Sorry for everything you are going through. :( I also grew up upper-middle class, and also did everything right financially, yet am struggling financially due to things beyond my control, and it really really is hard, esp. when you aren't where you are because of over-spending, etc. It is kind of strange, because people grow up "expecting" that their (in this case, "our") standard of living will be similar to that of our parents (whatever that may be), because it's all we know, and so it can feel like a shock when it doesn't turn out like that. I learned eventually to embrace my new "socio-economic" level, and not be disappointed in it, but feel pride for at least what we do have. It is tough, because I never would have seen this coming.

 

That whole thing where you can get paid to be the caretaker for your husband....in some states it is called being a "PCA" or "personal care assistant." So that could be another thing to google. I know a woman whose son is getting paid to be her PCA in Connecticut.

 

I know with SSI, once you finally get approved for it, you get "back pay" for all the time that you waited (from when you first filed the paperwork to apply) and didn't get payments. I'm sure he'll get disability eventually. Keep fighting it by appealing the decision, if he gets rejected at first. Sometimes they just deny you a couple times to see how determined you are to get it. Those that persevere, win......and you'll still get all the back pay. So just stay on top of things, and eventually you'll get the money you deserve with that. Good luck.

 

Assets like a house will count against you for things like food stamps, and that's a bummer.

 

I would look into something like at home transcription (not medical, you need training for that...just general transcription). It's something I'm considering. I will email you the link for the woman who writes this blog about her experience with it.

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