Feeling overwhelmed and pressured - Mothering Forums

Thread Tools
#1 of 6 Old 05-30-2011, 11:40 PM - Thread Starter
AnnaNova's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Santa Fe
Posts: 489
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

a bit of background

my husband loves his job, even though it doesnt pay a whole lot. he will get some raises of course (he just started recently), but its not like there is a potential to make a lot of money some day. 

i used to like my specialty, but in my area there is not a whole lot of market for it, and i havent been able to find a job in my field, so i went back to school to get a nursing degree. i still work part time at a job that i generally dislike, but it pays ok and allows for flexible hours, so i put up with it.


i have been feeling recently like the future of my family depends on me and on me only. my husband is comfortable where he is and it seems like he has no desire whatsoever to make any extra efforts for financial security of our family. 

we are not doing well financially. we have virtually no savings and some commercial debt. 

i have been trying to think up some ways to create extra income, but im so torn between classes, work, cooking, cleaning, a toddler, my family that i havent been able to implement any of the ideas i have. whenever i talk about to my husband his response is "i work full time" as if full time means 23 hrs a day.

his attitude is that "somehow it will all work out", and so i feel like if i dont do something, we will never get ahead financially. 

i am considering nursing specialties that i dont necessarily like, but that pay very well. im considering scholarships from places where i wouldnt necessarily choose to work, but i will if they help me avoid massive loans. 

i feel as if i will never get to do what i like because my first priority will always be my family's finances. 

today we were talking about our cousins to took their kids to disneyland, (which they do at least once a year), and i said i cannot believe that they can afford that considering neither of the parents has a high paying job. my husband's response was WELL, WHEN YOU BECOME A NURSE we will be able to afford it too. 

whenever i try to bring it up and talk to him about being more proactive, and about the fact that i dont want to carry the load of our financial stability on my shoulders, he always responds with "ok, ill quit my job tomorrow and look for smth that pay more if thats what you want"

i feel trapped. i feel overwhelmed and pressured. i dont know how to resolve this so my husband finally hears me and does something to help. any ideas?

AnnaNova is offline  
Sponsored Links
#2 of 6 Old 05-31-2011, 05:38 AM
crunchy_mommy's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 6,460
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Well what is it exactly that you want your DH to do? Find a higher-paying job? Quit & stay home with the kids? Pick up an extra shift? Take over the housework so you have time to take on a second job? Give up his expensive hobby? Cut his spending? Maybe he just needs to understand, in a concrete way, what it is you are hoping for him to do and what your options are. I know you probably didn't mean it this way but your post sounds like you want your DH to suck it up and get a high-paying but less enjoyable job, so you can do a job YOU enjoy. Like I said, I'm sure that's not how you meant it, but I mention it because maybe it's coming off the same way to your DH and so he's putting up his defenses?

Anyway, I hear ya... I am sort of in a similar situation, working a job I hate because I have to, etc. and it's so frustrating feeling trapped and wondering if you'll ever get ahead or get to just enjoy life...

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
crunchy_mommy is offline  
#3 of 6 Old 05-31-2011, 03:39 PM - Thread Starter
AnnaNova's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Santa Fe
Posts: 489
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

no, of coursse i dont want him to give up his job. i am actually happy for him that he finally found a job that he really LOVES. but its like this job and the money he makes is the end of it. he doesnt want / strive for anything more. 

what i want for him to do is

- go back to school to finish up his degree so he could advance as high as he poss can (and he agrees, and yet does nothing about it. every time the enrollment comes around, he says he'll look at it, and then he'll say that classes he wanted were taken or not offered online or begin a long discussion on how we are going to afford it);

- help me come up with ideas to create extra income and help me implement them (like i said, every time i mention this he says "i work full time" and even when he sees me working on sth, he just pretends like its my thing and he has nothing to do with it... )

- just be generally more fin responsible, right now he always has to ask me how much we have in our account, and when i offer some changes to save money, he agrees, but then doesnt do them, so it comes out to nothing. 

like i said, i have mentioned all of those things to him, and it just gets nowhere...

AnnaNova is offline  
#4 of 6 Old 05-31-2011, 04:51 PM
mamaofprincesses's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 687
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

The thing that has helped us the most (and we're still working on this) is goals. Like, we want to add a garage to the house, and that's at least $10,000. We want to travel. We want to retire comfortably and give our kids music and dance lessons and let them participate in sports, if they want.


It really helped when I laid out, on paper, the monthly difference between where we are now (basics covered, but little to no extra) and a really, nice comfortable lifestyle. It's honestly NOT that much! And it's not unattainable. We also talked, at length, about how it makes more sense FOR US for HIM to increase his income, because we have four children who are six and under. Even when they are in school, after-school and summer childcare will heavily impact my ability to increase our lifestyle, and part of what we want is flexibility and a more relaxed, laid-back pace of life. I just quit a part-time job five months ago and already our lives are easier.


It helped my husband to see that living comfortably didn't mean he had to make six figures, and it doesn't mean he has to become some schmoozing, corporate-ladder climbing type. That wouldn't work for him, ever. He still hasn't done anything concrete like go back to school (which his company would pay for!) but he is taking on extra assignments at work and generally trying to advance. I've also asked him to periodically look at graduate programs and job postings and just see if anything jumps out at him.


Our current argument is that I think we need more money (I would like to NOT qualify for WIC and reduced lunch, at some point) and he thinks that will mean working more hours. I'm trying to convince him it doesn't HAVE to be all or nothing.


And when he mentions wanting a big screen TV or some other toy that would be almost exclusively for his enjoyment, I mention grad school as a way to get to the point where it's a possibility!

mamaofprincesses is offline  
#5 of 6 Old 05-31-2011, 05:15 PM
texmati's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,761
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

i don't think you are wrong to want him to advance in his career. I think that you all need to have a 'family meeting' and really discuss what your goals are together as a team.

You also might need to be open to realizing that he just doesn't have the same vision of family success as you do. either way, what ever plan you come up with should meet everyones needs first, than work on self fufillment etc fairly.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
#6 of 6 Old 05-31-2011, 07:09 PM
Caitlin0919's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 373
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I can understand where you're coming from a little bit. My dh is not the most financially responsible person and he HATES to talk about money. When he started his new job, he thought we had all this extra money since it's an actual career-type job, not like bartending which he was doing before. Because he thought we had a lot of money, he would spend a lot and then we wouldn't have money left for gas(he's on the road every day for his job, so gas money is a must) or even bills sometimes. I'm a SAHM and I felt really trapped and frustrated because I felt like I had no control over our finances since he was making AND spending all the money. If I ever offered to start working so we could increase our income, dh would freak out and say he didn't want to put dd in daycare. I finally talked to my mom about it and she gave me some advice that I decided to follow, so this is what we do now(keep in mind your dh HAS to be on board with this too): I opened a checking account that only I have access to. Every time dh gets paid, I transfer over the amount I need to pay any bills that are due before the next paycheck plus half the rent. Whatever is leftover is for groceries, gas and any miscellaneous expenses if we have any money left over. Even though he agreed to it, dh didn't like the arrangement at first but it really helped him see where we were really at financially and how much money we really have available. He reigned in his spending pretty fast after that and he's a lot more conscious of it now. It sounds like your dh either doesn't understand your financial situation very well, or he's like mine and just doesn't want to talk about it because it makes him angry or upset to hear how little money you have. Once he has a clear picture and better understanding of where you sit, he might be more inclined to change his spending habits and maybe take some steps to increase his income. I realize it's kind of an extreme approach, but I was at my wit's end with dh and I didn't know what else to do. It took some getting used to, but the arrangement has been working really well for us for about 6 months now and dh has actually said he really likes it now. Good luck, I know how hard it can be when you're not on the same page with finances.

Wife to DH stillheart.gif 08/09 and SAHM to DD 09/08 and DS 11/11

Surprise! Expecting #3 Nov. 2013!
***4***8***12***16***20***24***28***32***36 yikes2.gif **40

Caitlin0919 is offline  

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 9,230

17 members and 9,213 guests
Allmh , AllTomorrowsParties , anacrish , BirthFree , carolinatrmartin2 , Heydarling , heydarling1 , Hippie Mama 79 , katelove , sarrahlnorris , scaramouche131 , Silversky , sren , thefragile7393 , uberkom1 , zebra15
Most users ever online was 449,755, 06-25-2014 at 12:21 PM.