Dilemma... SO recieving SSI, while I work full time? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 42 Old 06-13-2011, 06:44 AM
 
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hug.gif I'm so sorry. By unified force, I meant, are his parents going to stand with you and encourage him to grow or are they going to hold him back, keep him down because "life's too hard'. Looks like it's the latter. If he was at a place where he was tired of their overbearing ways you could help him break out on his own... but it looks like he is defeated. 

 

I would say at this point you could have a heart to heart talk ending with an ultimatum.... but I'm not so sure that would work. He may promise to change but then just string you along. hug.gif


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#32 of 42 Old 06-13-2011, 07:33 AM
 
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It sounds like he wouldn't even be ready to get married (including other things that might entail such as driving, supporting a joint household, etc.) so if you were to stay with him, you'd need to plan on waiting YEARS before settling down with him -- and he might never be ready.

When I first read the responses to your post, I was kind of mad. It sounded like everyone was saying you can't have a happy life with someone who's mentally ill. Being a 'mentally ill' person myself, with lots of other issues including a chronic illness, it really hurt to read some of what was written here. But, especially now that you've elaborated more on your BF, I realize he's chosen a completely different path than me. As hard as it is for me, I push myself EVERY SINGLE DAY to do more for my family, to financially support them, to emotionally be present even when I'm falling apart inside, etc. So I guess this really has nothing to do with your BF being mentally ill, but more that he just isn't ready to be an adult yet. Maybe that's largely due to BPD, maybe it's his upbringing, maybe it's a combination of those things or simply a personality trait... I get it, I was there at one point, but I decided I wanted more out of life... your BF sounds pretty content with his life right now, so I guess you either have to accept that or just move on.

Big hugs to you, this must be such a tough decision for you. Whenever your heart conflicts with logic, it's just a hard time for everyone. hug.gif

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#33 of 42 Old 06-13-2011, 08:56 AM
 
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Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post

It sounds like he wouldn't even be ready to get married (including other things that might entail such as driving, supporting a joint household, etc.) so if you were to stay with him, you'd need to plan on waiting YEARS before settling down with him -- and he might never be ready.

When I first read the responses to your post, I was kind of mad. It sounded like everyone was saying you can't have a happy life with someone who's mentally ill. Being a 'mentally ill' person myself, with lots of other issues including a chronic illness, it really hurt to read some of what was written here. But, especially now that you've elaborated more on your BF, I realize he's chosen a completely different path than me. As hard as it is for me, I push myself EVERY SINGLE DAY to do more for my family, to financially support them, to emotionally be present even when I'm falling apart inside, etc. So I guess this really has nothing to do with your BF being mentally ill, but more that he just isn't ready to be an adult yet. Maybe that's largely due to BPD, maybe it's his upbringing, maybe it's a combination of those things or simply a personality trait... I get it, I was there at one point, but I decided I wanted more out of life... your BF sounds pretty content with his life right now, so I guess you either have to accept that or just move on.

Big hugs to you, this must be such a tough decision for you. Whenever your heart conflicts with logic, it's just a hard time for everyone. hug.gif


I had some of the same thoughts, but I reached the same conclusion, it's not so much about his mental illness as his choices.  I know a lot of people who are mentally ill who push themselves to have a really productive life. 

 

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#34 of 42 Old 06-14-2011, 02:23 PM
 
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"Now, tonight, he told me that he actually doesn't want to learn how to drive, maybe in a few years, but not now. And that if I would break up with him over that, I was crazy, because he loves me how I am and I should love him how he is. And I do love him, so, so very much but... I just don't think I can be with a person who refuses to learn how to drive. (not even talking about the job yet, one step at a time, was what I was thinking) ...  I guess I thought I would be worth it to him but apparently not."

 

There is a huge difference between loving someone and choosing to be with them long term. You may love him, and care about him very deeply, but that does not mean it is your job to take care of him forever, or that you need to lower your standards to be with him. If you want a boyfriend who drives a car, that is your right. If you want a boyfriend who acts like an adult and lives independently, that is your right. if you want a boyfriend who will make a good husband and father, that is also your right.

 

You need to look at who he is NOW and how your life will be with him assuming he does not change or mature. He is 26 years old, if he was strongly motivated to work or drive a car he would be doing it already. How does he spend his days right now? Will it annoy you if you are taking care of a baby and he was in the home, doing that same thing and not helping you?

 

I know it hurts, but you need to decide what is best for you.

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#35 of 42 Old 06-14-2011, 03:01 PM
 
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It's great that you are putting this thought into things. I hear a bit of "I love this person, how can I make my life so that he fits," which is scary. But I also hear that as you do that, you see limitations that you don't want to have.

 

At 22, I think that the best thing to do, given the culture that we have in the US, is to figure out what you want your life to be and to accept into it the people who fit, if that makes sense. This from elderly woman in her late 30s who has done the other route more than once and lived to regret it.

 

I also have a thought to share -- I wondered this toward the end of my last relationship. Is it really love if I want him to change?

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#36 of 42 Old 06-14-2011, 03:23 PM
 
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I'm sorry but I just can't stop myself from giving out relationship advice in this scenario.  I think you should take things reallllllllllllly slowly.  If what you want is to be the primary caregiver of your children, then I wouldn't plan on co-parenting with someone making $670/month on SSI.  That isn't close to enough to live on.  You need to decide if being with him long term is more or less important than your goal/dream of being the stay at home parent. 

 

Also, I consider myself an advocate for those with mental health issues.  However, either his issues are controlled well enough by meds that he should be off working and not mooching, or, they are not controlled well enough and you should not start a family in which he is the primary caretaker.  From my experience, day in day out parenting has been way harder than any job I've ever had, including working in child welfare.  If he is not well enough to pick up a job somewhere, anywhere...then he is not well enough to care for your precious children.  Don't rush anything.  Sort out your priorities first. 

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#37 of 42 Old 06-14-2011, 06:12 PM
 
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Quote:

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by weasleyx View Post

 

 

I have thought of that. I actually have thought that if say, I took in 4 kids for $125/week, each, that would be $2000 a month. And maybe I could even do a little work on the weekends or in the evenings for some extra money, combined with his SSI, could be close to say 3k a month which I think would be reasonable to live on although that would be tight.

 

 

Keep in mind though, you will have a mentally ill man hanging around your house.  This could prevent people from wanting to leave your kids with them. Also daycare with your own kids hanging around is really really hard.  And it is not always very steady income.  I had a week where every single on of my families went on vacation. We got our groceries from the food pantry that week.  Also $500 a week is not $500 a week.  You will have expenses.  And taxes.  My taxes ran about 25% on my profit (but I made very little profit after expenses).  I would not recommend a small scale in home daycare as a valid primary source of income.

 

 

Quote:

He has said that he would like to have kids someday, but I think he thinks more that they would somehow be in daycare or something, not that he would be the SAHD taking them on playdates and such. I would trust him with kids like, say I was going out with friends for a few hours, but I don't think day-to-day childcare is really a strength or passion of his, like I would say it is with me.

This was my first thought.  If he can't hold a job and does not want to work he does not qualify as a stay at home parent.  SAHP is WORK and RESPONSIBILITY.  So you will not only be supporting his basic needs, but you will be paying childcare as well.  and paying for his hobbies (what exactly is it that he does all day?)  Since he doesn't drive you will be doing all the errands, running of the children, etc.  You will essentially have another child.  Its one thingis things go wonky after you are already married but if you see it coming like a train wreck....

 

 

Quote:

I think it's currently fairly controlled by his medication, but he thinks it's easier to just receive the benefits and not have to work. His mother tells him all the time that between the cash he gets and the medical care he receives from SSI, it wouldn't be worth it finding a "Walmart job" so he shouldn't bother working.

 

I work full time at a grocery store (that pays on average less than walmart but has the benefit of not carrying the stigma of walmart)  and I can tell you:  It is about twice what he is making on SSI.  Sounds worth it to me. Of course it is extremely depressing because I used to have a good life and be a stay at home mom until my XH admitted to having a long term mistress.  So every day at work I watch stay at home moms live my dream while I put price tags on meat.   Because I married someone who was not committed to raising a family with me.  (make a note) He sounds lazy.  Not because he has mental health issues and went through a phase of being unable to work.  Honestly I think even if he was perfectly healthy he would still be lazy and unemployed.  There is no reason for him not to be working while he is well enough to do so.  

 

 

Quote:

Yes, I guess what I am starting to realize is that even though he loves me, it's not enough for him to want to become a... functional person. I guess I was hoping that that would change. He says that I shouldn't try to change him, I say it's not that I want to change HIM as a person, not his personality, but I think he could perhaps make better choices that would improve his life. Yet, he does not currently want to do this. Sigh...

 

Red flag.  RED FLAG. RRRREEEEEDDDD FFFLLLAAAGGGGG!  You are asking him to get off his butt and be responsibe like all grown ups and his response is you shouldn't try to change him.  Fine but if he doesn't want to be a grown up, control his illness and contribute in a real way then screw it.  And you cannot change him.  This, like he is right now, is who is and likely ll he will ever be.  

 

 

 

Quote:
And I do love him, so, so very much but... I just don't think I can be with a person who refuses to learn how to drive. (not even talking about the job yet, one step at a time, was what I was thinking) .

 

 

You can still love him, and be a really great friend.  Loving someone, committing to someone, being there for someone, does not mean it has to be sexual and it doesn't mean you have to marry him. I think sometimes we get sucked onto romantic relationships with men when really we just want to love them as friends. I think you should back off and just be his friend.  He doesn't sound ike husband or dad material but I think his affection and yours is genuine.  Look for a husband elsewhere.

 

You will never be a stay at home mom with this guy (how wise of you to think of this at this point in the relationship.  Bravo!!  Too bad more women do not do this).  It does not make you a bad guy if you make this a line in the sand for a potential marriage relationship.  It makes you smart.



 


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#38 of 42 Old 06-21-2011, 04:12 AM
 
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It sounds to me that you care a lot about this person, but you are very wise in realizing that it might not be the right relationship for you. The questions you are asking are the kinds of questions I can see someone asking, at the age of 22, as they are slowly realizing that the person they are with may end up NOT being their future spouse (though they love the person dearly). I know that these decisions are hard to come to, but you are asking yourself the right questions. I think you will end up making the right decision. Sometimes the person you love when you are 22 just trains you for the person you will eventually meet, who will be your soulmate. I personally believe that God puts people in our lives to teach us things, like what we want in a partner. Then, God finds a way of guiding you in the right direction.

 

I can remember being madly in love with a guy, and wanting to marry him, then one day I hit a breaking point with our "problems" where I realized "I can't do this forever." Just things that I knew deep down were never going to change. So after much ado, I called the relationship off temporarily. A "break." And during that time, I started having new experiences. A new world was opened up to me. I realized I didn't need the ex. And then I met my husband, and he was the opposite of the ex in all the things that were wrong before. And it hit me, what I had been missing out on, and I never looked back.

 

I honestly think that you will move on from this relationship, meet a man who is hardworking and self-motivated, and you'll fall in love. It is obvious that that is a quality you need in a partner, or else this thing with your boyfriend wouldn't be bothering you, you would just accept it, and not be here posting about it. You'd just accept the fact that he's on disability, and be okay being the breadwinner. I have a dear friend who is in that situation, and while she acknowledges it isn't the best situation, she was okay with him being disabled (though like your situation, it's questionable) and her being the breadwinner. But you obviously are bothered by something here, and I think you should trust your instincts that this is not the right relationship for YOU. If you were like my friend, and okay with this, you wouldn't be here posting about this. So let that tell you something! (though I think it already has)

 

 

Also, about transcription. I haven't started this yet, but I am seriously considering it. You can actually be a transcriptionist without going to school, if you do non-medical stuff. However, my understanding is that you need really good grammar, understanding of homonyms (sound alike but spelled differently), etc. I don't know how the pay compares to the medical transcription, but the idea of not having to do any schooling, and just depending on my excellent grammar and fast typing, appeals to me. I will send you some links on the blog I found about this, because I don't think I can post links here.

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#39 of 42 Old 06-21-2011, 07:12 AM
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He told you that you'd be "crazy" to break up with him because he refuses to drive, right?    That's what he wants you to think.  He's telling you how and what to think, rather than letting you make those decisions for yourself.  This is VERY controlling behavior.  You could break up with him because you have a million reasons or zero reasons.  You can break up with him JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.  He doesn't have to "agree" with your reasoning.  You don't need his permission. 

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#40 of 42 Old 06-21-2011, 03:49 PM
 
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I think it's currently fairly controlled by his medication, but he thinks it's easier to just receive the benefits and not have to work. His mother tells him all the time that between the cash he gets and the medical care he receives from SSI, it wouldn't be worth it finding a "Walmart job" so he shouldn't bother working
 


Yes, I guess what I am starting to realize is that even though he loves me, it's not enough for him to want to become a... functional person. I guess I was hoping that that would change.


You know, disregard my comments about living with someone with mental illness. I actually have fewer concerns on that front than this statement. He sounds lazy and unmotivated and accepting of his life, and frankly, just like a loser. It doesn't sound like depression. I've had relationships with unmotivated losers who I supported and relationships with people with serious depression. They were both difficult but at least the depressed person WANTED a new life, even if they couldn't find there way there. This guy has no future.

 

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#41 of 42 Old 06-22-2011, 07:31 AM
 
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Aw, hugs to you. As I was reading through the thread, I was stifling my impulse to tell you about a friend who was in a similar situation. Her DH ended up committing suicide, leaving her with two teen boys and a ton of debt she didn't know about. Then it occurred to me that money aside, mental illness aside, you (and I mean the universal "you", but you, too) should never enter into or continue a relationship where something as big as your desire to be a SAHM is impossible from the start. I felt the same way you do about it: That was my intended "career" once the kids came along. (I did have a paying career until then, but I always knew that whether I was 22 or 42, when the kids came, I wouldn't be going to an office for awhile.) You are young, and you will find someone who can support your dream to raise your kids the way you want to.

 

(But yeah, it does sound like he's looking for a woman to marry who will take care of him the way his mom has. You can still love him, and be his friend, and help him out sometimes, but if you think you won't be happy married to him (not for lack of love, but b/c of the day-to-day situation of having to work, not enough money, not being with your kids, and having to drive him everywhere, nevermind the concern about secret spending and who knows what else), don't do it.)

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#42 of 42 Old 06-24-2011, 11:45 AM
 
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You mentioned that he stims. My Dh was dx his whole life with ADD/ADHD, depression, OCD, etc. We now know he actually has Aspergers syndrome. We found out because all of our kids "together" are on the spectrum. My husband works and has been at his job for 3 years now. Which is a record. He couldnt keep a job to save his life for years, and we have struggled A LOT.  Life was a lot different when we were dating and not living together. But honestly it is HARD living with someone that has a disability. Some days it is a lot like having another child. And seeing how his parents have treated your BF, it is going to be really hard. Reality is, if you stay with him, you will end up supporting your family, and kinda raising him also.


*~Kelly~*
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