Good $ decison = hurt feelings of spouse - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 12:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My dh and I are debt free except for the house, but we are also, until recently, not able to put away savings and are spending on dumb little things and not keeping track of spending. We have recently switched to a cash only system that is going very well and I am excited to see how much we have saved in a few more weeks.

 

So, I was complaining to dh about how we have three computers and they are all limping along. Although I do wish for an apple laptop as my dream computer I know it was not possible on our income (I'm looking for work but no work yet). And I'm okay with that. My mentality is about savings right now and I feel good about it.

 

Dh emailed me that I had a surprise coming in the mail in a week or so. I asked what it was and he acted all mysterious and finally I said, "If it's expensive I think I need to know about it." He confessed that he had ordered me a $1200 apple laptop! Yes it's the computer of my dreams, and I know he loves me to have ordered this for me but I reminded him about how unless we have cash for it and still have savings left, we can't do this. He also wanted to get dd a Nintendo DS "because all her friends have one" and she has been asking, but it's just totally not in the budget either and he's already mad about it but agreed finally that she could live without it.

 

I asked dh to cancel the order or if it was too late, to not open it and return it to the Apple store. He was able to cancel the order okay before it shipped thank goodness. He's crushed and hurt. He thinks I didn't accept his gift when really I just want to postpone the gift until we can afford it and receive it with a good feeling.

 

I'm not sure how to fix this . . any ideas? Also any words of support that I did the right thing here? Because I feel bad about this too, but not as bad as a bill for $1300 and the interest, and that much less into savings.


7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#2 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 12:24 AM
 
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

You need to give a bit of time to lick his wounds and then have another talk with him.


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#3 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 09:05 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Thystle View Post

 

You need to give a bit of time to lick his wounds and then have another talk with him.



Yeah.  We had very similar thing happen and I felt like a jerk for sticking to my guns but after the dust settled, my DH understood.  I let him know how incredibly touched I was about his effort in trying to give me a gift that I would have loved but it just wasn't the right time.

 


Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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#4 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 09:17 AM
 
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You did right.I can understand if it is a needed expense like a fridge,stove,or washer. The computer can wait. Just remind him how much you appreciated what he did,and that it will be great once you can actually get it.

 

For no interest credit card use  I just got in the mail a no  interest/no transfer fee offer from Chase.Good for up to 13k and till 5-2012.

Good option if something unexpected pops up.

 

For the nintendo ds I would either flat out not get it or make my kid pay half. My kids wanted anintendo  ds(friends had it) and it collects dust.

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#5 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 10:03 AM
 
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Could you meet him half way?  Perhaps let him get the DS for your kid?  He could still give a good gift,  it will help him get over the computer rejection (which must have hurt him but was totally necessary.  That is a lot of money you don't have.) and allow him to have a little fun and show him you really do appreciate his generosity.  at a 10th of what the computer cost.  


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#6 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 10:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by lilyka View Post

Could you meet him half way?  Perhaps let him get the DS for your kid?  He could still give a good gift,  it will help him get over the computer rejection (which must have hurt him but was totally necessary.  That is a lot of money you don't have.) and allow him to have a little fun and show him you really do appreciate his generosity.  at a 10th of what the computer cost.  

I thought about it, but we still don't have the $ for the ds either. I mean we would at the end of the month but only because we are counting every penny and being really good with spending. I hate to blow our hard earned savings on a ds until we reach our first savings goal. We have a Wii already which the kids don't use as much as he expected them to. I use it a lot to play Netflix through the TV (we don't have cable) and that's about it. Dd also has an Ipod touch with tons of apps on it. It was mine but she was using it more so I gave it to her.

 

I'm trying to think of something I can ask for that's not expensive but meaningful so he feels he's getting me something and heals his hurt feelings.

 

ETA the kids get $5/week allowance each and it would take dd forever to save that up on her own.
 

 


7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#7 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 10:23 AM
 
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We have the same situation w/ the Wii and DS. We mostly use the Wii for watching Netflix, although it's fun to play games once in a while. DD1 is selling her DS to DD2 (we are paying for it), and DD2 is selling her Gameboy to a friend (really cheap). I would skip the DS, honestly.

 

PS I do think you did the right thing with the computer.


Mom "D" to DD1 "Z" (15) and DD2 "I" (11) DH "M"

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#8 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 11:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by USAmma View Post

 

ETA the kids get $5/week allowance each and it would take dd forever to save that up on her own.
 

 


How old is DD and does she really want the DS?  I only ask because my kids were both able to save up for a DS because it was really important to them (at the time they were getting $10/month allowance).  They also saved gift money and sold a few things.  You might offer to split the cost with her if she wants (or suggest some things she could do to earn/save money).  It could also be a gift.


 

 

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#9 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 01:06 PM
 
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Well, he will hopefully understand, when his hurt has gone.

 

It is not really a gift, is it, if it is out of your shared savings and you cannot afford it and have talked about it already, I think.

 

Maybe he is hurt, because he feels he should be able to provide you and the children with these gadgets and he is not?

 

 

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#10 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the input again! I really do think he feels he should be able to get these things for us and he can't and he's sad. But it was our decision to have me be a SAHM and I told him I'm okay with doing with less as long as we are single income.

 

BTW he needed to get $700 worth of car repairs today!! Good timing on that returned laptop huh? ;-)


7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#11 of 13 Old 06-16-2011, 06:51 PM
 
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Then I would just be really encouraging to your husband.  Let him know how much you appreciate the gesture and that you cannot wait until you have the savings to buy that computer.  Remind him that he is a good provider and all that stuff men need to hear.


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#12 of 13 Old 06-17-2011, 08:22 AM
 
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One more idea on the DS - they are on craigslist all the time.  Would he/your daughter be happy with that?


Katherine mother to DS 8/03 and DD1 9/06 and DD2 6/10
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#13 of 13 Old 06-17-2011, 11:20 AM
 
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This reminds me the Mother's Day gift dh bought me a couple of years ago when we were FLAT broke. He spent $300 on a bracelet and $200 on plants for the garden.  I wish I had put my foot down about it :( We had talked about the bracelet before he bought it (it was a Pandora bracelet) but I wasn't expecting him to go so overboard with it!!!! And I barely wear the blasted thing (it pulls the hair out of my arm. Oww!)

 

You made the right decision!

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