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#31 of 37 Old 06-20-2011, 07:34 AM
 
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I am hazy on why the OP didn't have a prenup to start with? I have friends that got married last month.  Neither of them has any money, but one partener stands to inherit a bunch.  HIs parents were pretty insistent that they have a pre-nup to protect him.  I think this was in large part because they (and DH and I too) do live in a community property state. 

 

 

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#32 of 37 Old 06-20-2011, 09:45 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Poddi View Post

I get the feeling that your DH is not as frugal as you are, or that you guys have different attitude regarding money?   Unless he's very extravagant, I don't see how he can squander the money if you don't want to.  How about you pretend that you're a girl from Jane Austen's era? :) Everybody inherit money, and live off the interest, that way the principle is not touched, and can't disappear.   In Sense and Sensibility the Dashwood girls and their mother lived on 500 pounds a year, which is supposed to be rather meager.  When you calculate though that translate to them having 10000 pounds or more asset to generate that income, a sum that most normal people at that time will never accumulate in their lifetime.  I always find it curious why nobody then touch their principle, maybe the inheritance law prohibited that.

 

Anyway I say you should relax.  Pay yourself a salary from the interest and dividend only, you guys can live a comfortable middle class life and the money will never disappear.  You can calculate with inflation of course.  But I do think even without inflation adjustment, it'll still be a nice sum in 20 or 30 years (= money most everyday Joes will never have).


People tried not to touch the principal because that way you could pass an income down to your children and they could continue to live the life of gentle folk. Spend the principal, and you start the gradual slide to poverty for your family.

 

500 pounds a year was actually called "the fatal five hundred" - it ;just about allowed you to live as a gentleperson, but you were more likely to touch the principal to live and keep up with the Jones'.
 

 

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#33 of 37 Old 06-20-2011, 05:58 PM
 
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My DH and I have separate accounts that we use only for personal fun savings... $50 here or there. But all of our expenses are paid out of our main joint account.  For the last 4-5 years, I have been making more money than him, and I expect that to change in a few years (it better... that's why we are paying for him to go to grad school right now). But I don't think that I should have a different lifestyle than DH just because I have a bigger paycheck than him right now. We are in a partnership and both equally contribute to our family by the actions we take... it doesn't matter that some of those actions are more financially valued than others in our society.

 

If my DH came into some money like this, I would hope that we could use it as an excuse to ask ourselves... what job would you want to have if you didn't need the money? My DH would probably stay in the same field that he's in, but work less hours. I would want to be a SAHM for a few years until my kid was in school, and then go back to my old career part time.

 

It sounds like you just need to get on the same page about your values and priorities about money with your DH, regardless of what you decide to do with it.

 


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#34 of 37 Old 06-20-2011, 06:53 PM
 
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I came into our marriage with an inheritance too.  It was never an issue but we both knew it going in, and your situation sounds somewhat different.  The $$ arrived at a bad patch in your marriage.  I would focus on the marriage, and, to the extent possible, not the $$.  Even if it takes telling yourself - I may spend $100K over the next couple of years in order to not obsess so much about who is controlling the $, but to focus on the marriage.  Does that make any sense?  In our marriage, our $ is OURS.  Whether it is my inheritance or his income - we just don't differentiate.  So I would focus on maybe getting to a place where that can be the case for you, instead of focusing on making the decisions about the $$ when the marriage is not working.

 

NOTE - the above is not legal advice, but personal.  Follow your legal advisors up to the place where they suggest doing things which could be hurtful to your DH.  Because if you do that, you need to do so with an awareness of it's consequence on the marriage.


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#35 of 37 Old 06-21-2011, 07:04 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cat13 View Post

My DH and I have separate accounts that we use only for personal fun savings... $50 here or there. But all of our expenses are paid out of our main joint account.  For the last 4-5 years, I have been making more money than him, and I expect that to change in a few years (it better... that's why we are paying for him to go to grad school right now). But I don't think that I should have a different lifestyle than DH just because I have a bigger paycheck than him right now. We are in a partnership and both equally contribute to our family by the actions we take... it doesn't matter that some of those actions are more financially valued than others in our society.

 

If my DH came into some money like this, I would hope that we could use it as an excuse to ask ourselves... what job would you want to have if you didn't need the money? My DH would probably stay in the same field that he's in, but work less hours. I would want to be a SAHM for a few years until my kid was in school, and then go back to my old career part time.

 

It sounds like you just need to get on the same page about your values and priorities about money with your DH, regardless of what you decide to do with it.

 


It will be hard for them to get on the same page, because it sounds like they have very different attitudes to money. OP has the middle class attitude that you invest and make the money work for you, then pass it on to your children and grandchildren so that they can do the same, just as her father did for her. Her DH has the working class attitude "Wow, now I'm rich, lets spend it!" that leads to lottery winnners blowing it all in a couple of years and being back where they started. I can understand why this bothers her.

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#36 of 37 Old 06-21-2011, 09:03 PM
 
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OP, you mentioned that you would go to a hotel if dh beat you, was that just a hypothetical? Or an actual possibility?

 

And in our marriage, dh is probably going to inherit some money w/in the next few years. Not that much, probably around 100K, but I'm going to try to take control of it and use it to pay off debt. We dug our hole together, though, and have always co-mingled funds, so it's kind of different.


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#37 of 37 Old 06-22-2011, 05:38 AM
 
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I wouldn't touch the money until my marriage issues were worked out, honestly.  I would put it all in an untouchable sort of fund and let it accumulate interest and keep on living day-to-day until my dh and I figured out whether we wanted to be married and how exactly we were going to do that.  If it took five years of therapy, so be it.

 

OP, I wish you well.  This does not sound like an easy situation.  hug2.gif


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