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#1 of 37 Old 06-17-2011, 07:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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leaving mdc and erasing all my old posts

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#2 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 08:30 AM
 
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A couple things jumped out at me:

 

-maybe it's because DH and I don't have a lot of money, but if we had large sums of money given it would be pooled, it would become "our money" not "my money" and "his money". If we had to cut back, scrimp and save because one partner is keeping a stash for themselves... I don't know, it just wouldn't sit well. On the other hand, if the marriage is shaky, if there's more money in the budget (ie we can afford our monthly bills and each have our own savings above and beyond what we need to function) then it's totally understandable. 

 

-look at it from the other side, you're both contributing equally to your monthly budget. He has to do it by working, you're able to do it while being a SAHM. Your case sounds very unique and you are in a position of "power" vs what most SAHM's deal with. It's difficult knowing that you depend on your spouse for everything. 

 

-you could change your life around so that your DH's income would cover living expenses but like you say, you're CHOOSING to keep things the way they are. That also means you're CHOOSING the consequences. If it really bothered you, you should make the changes! 

 

-I'm trying to put myself in your shoes but I'm having a difficult time imagining having a pile of money and not using it? I would feel proud to be able to stay home and still contribute financially unless that money was earmarked for some future purchase like buying a first home, buying a new car etc and then I would be frustrated to see it trickling out of my hands each month. 

 

-You say this is temporary. Will the money completely disappear by the time you head back to work? You don't need to name numbers but think about it. Are you losing it ALL just to sahm right now? Even if you did, would you consider it worth it? If not, then yes, I think you should look for a job. 

 

You also need to change the way you think about this money. Would your father want it to be a burden for you? Would he want it to cause resentment in your marriage, in your life? I'm sorry for the loss of your father and I'm sure no amount of money would replace him, but look at it as a blessing. You have been cared for financially just when you needed it most. Instead of having to make major cutbacks when your DH lost half his income, you're able to continue on as if nothing happened (financially). It must be comforting not to have to deal with moving to a new place, and starting over when you're grieving the loss of your father.

 

Ultimately I see this as a relationship problem, not a financial one. It's good that you're in counseling. Have you brought up these issues during sessions? Have you shared your feelings with your DH? Would you consider going on your own so that you can discuss these matters freely without him? It might also be a place you can work through the grief surrounding your father's death and the guilt etc you feel about the money. Do you see the money as a last link to your father and when it is gone, he also disappears? Maybe you could find some ways to celebrate and remember your father that are separate from the money he left you. 

 

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#3 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 09:50 AM
 
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So his money is yours as a family and your money is...just for you?  Because that's what I'm hearing.

 

You need to reread what you wrote with fresh eyes.

 

 

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#4 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 10:11 AM
 
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Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post

So his money is yours as a family and your money is...just for you?  Because that's what I'm hearing.

 

You need to reread what you wrote with fresh eyes.

 

 


I agree.
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#5 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 10:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post

So his money is yours as a family and your money is...just for you?  Because that's what I'm hearing.

 

You need to reread what you wrote with fresh eyes.

 

 


I wouldn't be so harsh.

 

What I gather is that outside of working at a job, her dh doesn't do anything else. That she is still responsible completely for the house and kids. Financially speaking, they are equally contributing. Why not split the household/children?

 

I agree though that it sounds like a relationship issue rather than financial one.

 

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#6 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 10:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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well "his" money he is able to make because i am home with the kids therefor we both work for it, i sacrificed a very good career and a ton of education because WE decided we wanted me home.

 

MY money i came into the marriage with and if i were not married nothing would change

 

same as a prenup, many people who come into a marriage with money get a prenup no? keep the money separate etc.

 

its very common for inheritance to not be co mingled and the advise i have gotten from everyone actually not solicited is to make sure it is in a separate account in only my name and keep it separate and make sure DH knows its MINE not OURS in case of divorce

 

that money i would like to have for the future, retirement, kids college or other, buying kids a home someday or a wedding or college funds for grand kids.

 

But yeah that's the issue i guess. Because i do see it that way MY money not ours and if it is spent for something for US that is a gift.

 

we also have a different family culture in that i grew up with money and DH for t he most part didn't.  His "a lot" is not my "a lot" and  i want my children to have the same "a lot" i had as far as financial support but DH acts like we won the mega millions lottery and to me we are FAR from that he uses terms like "now that im a have i can afford to...." whereas to me being a "have" means you make far more than you spend not you spend money you arent even making,  the first thing he did when he heard about the inheritance was go and tell several people they will be "taken care of for life" without even discussing that with me its a sweet thought but its not realistic on the money we have or HIS decision to give it away!

 

yeah it is somewhat a relationship issue but t he idea of one partner having more money is a financial issue

 

so i guess my question is more if you came  into a relationship with much more money than your partner how have you managed that?

 

 

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#7 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 11:04 AM
 
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I am sorry about your loss, OP.  I think marriage counseling is definitely in order because it appears there are some serious relationship issues going on.  I think individual therapy for you is even more important though.  There are a lot of attitudes you hold both about money and apparently about your relationship that seem to be causing you stress, anxiety, and unhappiness.  There is so much going on in the post, that it would take a lot of time to go through it all with you, but I think ultimately you really need a professional to help you sort through your attitudes and feelings about this money and how it relates to your relationship. 

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#8 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 11:23 AM
 
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Quote:

its very common for inheritance to not be co mingled and the advise i have gotten from everyone actually not solicited is to make sure it is in a separate account in only my name and keep it separate and make sure DH knows its MINE not OURS in case of divorce


 

 

 

If you divorce, he will get 50% of whatever assets you acquired during the marriage (I'm assuming the death happened after you were married?), that would include foreign rental properties and assets as well.  I have a friend in CA who came into a tremendous amount of money (multi million) after only 1 year of a marriage he was ambivalent about-- one reason he is staying in the marriage is because it would cost him so much money to get out of it.

 

You sound unhappy and resentful.  I don't know how much money you inherited but you may want to consider cutting your losses and moving on.  I am not one to advocate divorce but you do sound quite miserable.  If you think he will just spend it away anyway, you could give up the 50% and gain your freedom.

 

To answer the original question, in a way I came into the marriage with more money than my husband.  My parents are well off and were very generous-- DH's net worth was negative.  But we have never had "my money" vs "his money."  We have always had the same frugal mindset so it's never been an issue.  We paid back my parents for all loans and are savers, so we have no real tension between us financially.

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#9 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 11:30 AM
 
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that money i would like to have for the future, retirement, kids college or other, buying kids a home someday or a wedding or college funds for grand kids.

 



I didn't want to pick apart your thread and comment on each little piece of it because, like I said, I think there is so much there that you desperately need individual and marriage therapy to work it all out.  But, I just had to come back to this.  Money aside, your husband is either someone you do or do not want to remain married to.  I'm assuming you do want to continue your relationship because you haven't stated otherwise.  That said, I wouldn't let this money rule my life.  Paying for my grand kids college funds or buying my kids a home would be a lot further down on my priority list than keeping my marriage strong and healthy, and providing my kids with a home life that isn't full of stress and arguments over whose money it is and who gets to decide how to spend it.  If you draw a line in the sand and say "this is my money, go scratch hubby, you have no decision making power", I think you might find yourself one day with lots of money but without the things in life that truly matter.  Maybe our views on marriage are different, but if I was your hubby, I would find your behavior tyrannical.  In my house, we are a family.  I stay home to parent and hubby works.  All the money he makes is "ours" and if I got some huge chunk of change somewhere, that would be ours too.  Our family's.  I don't see how people can have a partnership when they are constantly focused on who does more or less.  Of course, that comes up in our conversations in this household and it should in yours too.  Negotiating roles and responsibilities is part of what marriage is about.  But if one person is holding the purse strings and the other feels they have no power, I think they are headed for failure.  If you want to save the money instead of spend it, I would negotiate that with your husband.  I would let him have some say and compromise as with anything else.  If you want it for your future or retirement, plan that WITH him.  Explain to him why that is important to you.  Convince him, don't dominate him. 

 

FWIW, I have spent portions of my childhood growing up with very little money, and portions growing up with a lot.  Same with my adulthood.  I honestly can't say I've been any happier with a lot than I have with a little.  Yes, things are easier when you're more comfortable, but kids especially are going to value their relationship with you and the harmony in their family life above you having the money to one day pay for their kids' college educations.  Think long and hard about what is important to you and what you value and move from there. 

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#10 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 12:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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the law says, pretty much in every state i think in t he us and also in other countries that inheritance whether it is before during or after marriage is  NOT community property even if you do co mingle the money it is STILL not community property it just becomes messier to prove what part is inheritance and what isn't

 

your friend that is staying in a marriage over this needs to get better legal advice, assuming the money is inheritance now if  one person gets money otherwise, work, lottery, game show whatever that is community property.

 

i look at this money as MY security same as if dh beat me and i went back "home" with ym kids, i dont have that option anymore  i cant go to dad for help anymore, but i can use the money to get a hotel or whatever. Once its gone i have nothing no family no support and no financial well being

 

the same as for example if we needed money and wanted to ask dh's dad for it DH would be the one asking, not me right?

 

but im not really going to defend the decision to keep t he money seperate because obviously im not even sure its the right decision its just what lawyers, financial advisers, therapists and family have recomended again same as a prenup

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#11 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 12:38 PM
 
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I think it is fine to keep the money separate. It's smarter from a worst case scenario pov. BUT it sounds like this money is causing you a lot of heartache because it symbolizes an ongoing loss of your dad. Definitely pursue individual grief counseling about the money, so that you can separate it in your heart. Maybe consider splitting up the money in a way that pays you a "salary" monthly over the next few years while you SAHM, and budget out of your combined take home pay for the things like that vacation that your DH wants.

 

I think the division of chores and house work is a very common marital issue (I know it exists in my marriage) and it really separate from who brought what money to the marriage and who works what hours or SAH or WOH or WAH. We as people seem to default to thinking that the situation is always unfair towards us - no matter what the objective observation of the situation would say. If you are feeling that much resentment about the situation, counseling is a really good idea.

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#12 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 12:44 PM
 
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Your issue isn't money... it's your marriage.  I know your back story.  You guys would probably benefit from a marriage counselor and you individually would probably benefit to talk to someone about inheriting 2 million dollars when previously you were barely able to make ends meet.  Some people come about those sums of money by working hard and some come about it without the discipline needed to attain it.  It's harder to deal with it in the latter situation and often it leads to hard feelings.

 

ETA: I decided my own personal situation was not relevant.

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#13 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 02:24 PM
 
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*I* can not believe he said "he will be taken care of for life"! That is a serious issue. I also think you thinking your kids need to grow up with money is an issue. Money means nothing in the long run. I'd rather be poor and happy with a loving family than have all the money in the world. I would never want to be a millionaire! I think I would donate a lot of it at least.

 

If anything pay off the house or something so you CAN just live off what DH makes. I don't think it's fair to say to him that he is the bread winner for the family with you being a SAHM BUT I will not sacrifice "my lifestyle" (which he CAN"T support). You are resentful for "having" to pay half the bills but then you say you won't live anywhere cheaper and you are in an expensive area...

 

I am a SAHM too and we live off of $1600 a month. It's not easy but we are happy and we don't fight about it. It has been hard to go down to one income but we have made sacrifices to do so. We don't have spending money, we are now a one car family, we gave up our house and moved into a small modest apartment, and changed our lifestyle to accommodate our budget (which is DH's income) I can actually and literally relate to you in a way b/c I have some settlement money (although I am sure it's chump change compared to yours!) but so far over 5 years I have received a total of $55,000. Some went to college, some supported me solo for a year and I very stupidly supported a friend for a year too. The rest I blew on frivolous things before the baby and after the baby on debt and bills. I have $2000 left of that and it's in our emergency fund. In 5 years I get enough for a down payment on a home and that's what we are going to do with it. I get what you are saying about not wanting to spend it I really do b/c I have that mindset to worry about the future and what we can in the future. The reality is it won't really matter if you let money tear your family apart. Also if you tend to idolize money your children may too.

 

We grew up dirt poor and I could care less about money but my family was always stressing about it and my sis and bro are ALL about money. It is no way to live.

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#14 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 03:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yeah the first thing we got the first bit of money is find a great marriage counseling, ph.d who specializes in add and we have been going for about a month or so and it has really helped, personal counseling is up there on the list as well.

 

its more than  2 mil. i thought it was but as time goes bye more money is found here and there, life insurance policies, pension funds etc

 

i started looking more at our future realistically and i think we cna live fine just off of the income we make investing and dh's current income but i still worry about retirement and i still have and want to keep the mind frame of saving over spending "use it up , wear it out make it do or do without" as opposed to "now that we ahve some money lets relax and enjoy spending it" cause i do fear it will disappear

 

and thank you for reminding me that its not the money. i guess i need to just chill out for a while, not make any plans or big changes and keep having hope for the marriage counseling to help Maybe in a few years after i actually have the money working for us and see and feel what that is like, i will relax a bit more and trust dh more

 

i have brought it up in counseling, we havent gotten to talking about it yet because we are starting out small, like division of labor and communication skills... our therapist is pretty behavioral so we dont sit around talking about our feelings a whole lot.

 

 

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#15 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 03:31 PM
 
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Your issue isn't money... it's your marriage.


This.

But to answer your original question, I came into our marriage with way more money than DH (though it was a very small amount compared to what you're talking about!!) I used my money to pay off DH's debts (credit card etc.) and then we moved forward with a clean slate (minus school loans). Now, all our money is pooled, though I tend to be the one in control of it, as well as the main breadwinner...) We make sure we are on the same page as far as routine spending and discretionary spending, so no one is out spending tons of money on their personal hobbies or making their own decisions on large purchases -- we have an unspoken 'rule' that we consult each other on all purchases over a certain amount. I can't imagine keeping separate accounts... I grew up with parents that did that and the thing I remember most is my mom not being able to afford groceries because my dad didn't transfer enough money into her account. It makes no sense to me, but I know some people do that & do well with it, and if you have vastly different spending styles it might be for the best. But I find it kind of... disturbing... the way you wrote your post, that you don't want to share your money with him and he doesn't want to do any hard work and you are basically just making sure things will work out in the event you get a divorce. I don't know, it just sounds like you've already given up on him or something.

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#16 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 04:11 PM
 
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I get the feeling that your DH is not as frugal as you are, or that you guys have different attitude regarding money?   Unless he's very extravagant, I don't see how he can squander the money if you don't want to.  How about you pretend that you're a girl from Jane Austen's era? :) Everybody inherit money, and live off the interest, that way the principle is not touched, and can't disappear.   In Sense and Sensibility the Dashwood girls and their mother lived on 500 pounds a year, which is supposed to be rather meager.  When you calculate though that translate to them having 10000 pounds or more asset to generate that income, a sum that most normal people at that time will never accumulate in their lifetime.  I always find it curious why nobody then touch their principle, maybe the inheritance law prohibited that.

 

Anyway I say you should relax.  Pay yourself a salary from the interest and dividend only, you guys can live a comfortable middle class life and the money will never disappear.  You can calculate with inflation of course.  But I do think even without inflation adjustment, it'll still be a nice sum in 20 or 30 years (= money most everyday Joes will never have).


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#17 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 05:21 PM
 
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Ok, my opinion changes a bit hearing about how much money we're talking about. (I have vague memories of previous posts)  I can't believe that you have so much and RESENT the fact that you have to contribute money to pay the bills! Even if it is half! (You know some couples who both work pay a percentage of the monthly expenses based on the difference in their salary. It's not always 50/50.)

 

If you're worried your DH would blow through it, how about setting up a budget and add in a couple fun things per year. Like, jeez, a trip costing $2000 once a year sounds doable. Look for the happy medium. Budget the fun stuff so you're not spending blindly. Then add up all the amounts you're contributing monthly AND the fun things budgeted, all the way up until you expect to go back to work. Decide if it's more important to you to have the time with your kids or the pile of money. Then make a decision and put a stop to the resentment! 

 

I see where you're coming from, and the worry etc etc. But I feel like you're putting money ahead of people. 


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#18 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 05:31 PM
 
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If you divorce, he will get 50% of whatever assets you acquired during the marriage


Just wanted to repeat that part. A friend of mine is getting a messy divorce in Pennsylvania and her drug- using- soon- to- be- ex who is a lousy person will get half of my friend's savings. Even though he's only worked sporadically for the last five years. The divorce leaves her without a home, without a car and without means to acquire either on her small salary. But the law is the law, right?
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#19 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 05:55 PM
 
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Actually OP I may be wrong-- it varies state to state.  You need to ask your attorney about this.  My friend in CA came into his money when a company where he worked was sold-- it wasn't an inheritance, which might have different rules apply?

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#20 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 06:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yeah i was speaking about inheritance only which is not community prop according to several lawyers ive consulted with both probate and divorce lawyers now interest earned, money earned from renting out property etc i dont know about. the lawyer said for example that if i buy a house and put us both on the title (which was in the works) in case of divorce he would owe me back the money for the house but if when we divorce the house is worth more we split that 50/50 so i buy a 600,000 house all with inheritence we split in 5 years and its worth 650 i owe him 25, which i think is very fair.

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#21 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 06:35 PM
 
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I think you need to not do anything with the money at all other than pay for your half of the day to day living expenses until you settle things with your marriage. So no houses, no cars, no vacations. Marriage counseling and a realistic assessment of whether or not you can make this relationship work.

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#22 of 37 Old 06-18-2011, 08:48 PM
 
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Honestly my first thought was this did not sound like a person that wants to stay married.

 

 

 

 

On the flip side if the situation was reversed and it was him that inherited the money and "kept" it from you... how would you feel about that? If he had posted your same exact post about you... would that change anything?

 

 

 

 

 

 

.


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#23 of 37 Old 06-19-2011, 05:13 AM
 
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Property and inheritance law varies from state to state.  This I totally understand:

"its very common for inheritance to not be co mingled and the advise i have gotten from everyone actually not solicited is to make sure it is in a separate account in only my name and keep it separate and make sure DH knows its MINE not OURS in case of divorce"

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing. It makes huge sense to manage your funds so that they stay with you in case of divorce, even if that means not buying a house together. Putting the money half in your husband's name could risk a) an extreme shopping spree b) a divorce to grab half the dough.

 

With that much money, it does make sense to use income from it to support your current living expenses, for example to meet half of your household expenses. Getting a job? ... dos not sound like you need to unless you really want one. Ask your financial adviser about an appropriate investment where you would get the amount of income you need per month. 

 

If the marriage is rocky and you want to buy a house, you could look at a duplex or getting 2 houses on one street - if the marriage were to end amicably, the ex would live in the other unit.

 

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#24 of 37 Old 06-19-2011, 08:26 AM
 
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Some of my thoughts - 

 

Your issues with your dh helping out vs. money issues are different and you're likely better off not thinking of them together.  Try to keep thoughts about whether he deserves to benefit from your money out of the issue.  He will when you're together because you're together and you'll likely help each other as a married couple would/should.  The issues about parenting/relationship stuff needs to stay separate.

 

It will probably help to divide the money up with different intent.  Certain holdings for educational/children's needs, other for retirement (get an annuity, possibly, for yourself), other for future real estate interests.  Do a lot of this yourself, do some together too.  Having defined reasons to have/use the money will help.  It's not just a big pile of money for whatever anyone can use money for anymore.

 

As for your use of the money now, to stay home - I think (depending on your situation, of course) there are ways that you can use it and help yourselves stay within your means.  Doing something like using it to pay off a car so that you don't have that payment benefit the budget.  Make it so you can pay off a credit card yourselves within a short amount of time.  Using it to buy a CSA (and free up grocery budget).  When you buy a house, using more of it to make your payments easier to fit in the budget.  Thinking that way about it and changing how you're doing things might help (at the least, yourself not feel like you're subsidizing a lifestyle you can't afford).  Not sure I'm describing this really well at all. . . .  I'll say that I have certain inherited investments and it has been really helpful to me to use them this way and think of them this way.  I do buy a CSA for us.  I pitch in from that money for real needs (house repairs) if we need it.  We do use it for a preschool for dd1.  We do try to save for other things, sometimes I'll pay half when we save the other half, I don't use it to go out and buy stuff that *I just want*.  I don't buy things dh *just wants*.

 

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#25 of 37 Old 06-19-2011, 02:19 PM
 
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My husband was a trustfund baby.  He came into our marriage with a *lot* of money.  Against the advice of a lawyer he commuted his entire inheritance into community property.  We believe that our money is our money and if we are a unit then we sink or swim together.  We consult one another on purchases large and small and we both have to compromise on what we want.  That was what he wanted.  He pushed for it. I didn't particularly want him to put everything into community property because if we divorce I'm not taking half. :P  I didn't bring the money to the marriage and I won't take it away.  But he likes to think I will. :)

 

I don't think I would be able to live with someone who didn't want to share though.  That would make me sad.

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#26 of 37 Old 06-19-2011, 02:45 PM
 
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My DH will inherit a significant amount of money when his father passes away.  Honestly, if he planned to keep that as HIS money  and not see it as our money, I would be livid.  It's simply not the way I envision a family working.  We will speak with a financial planner to make sure everything works as best it can for the family as a whole in the long run, but if he were to effectively try to squirrel it away and hide it from me, and keep me from having access to it (not to mention seeing spending any of it on the family as a GIFT?!)   realistically, our marriage would be over.  I would see that as his not trusting in me and not having a vested interest in our future as partners, and I could not live my life feeling that way. 

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#27 of 37 Old 06-19-2011, 02:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by insidevoice View Post

My DH will inherit a significant amount of money when his father passes away.  Honestly, if he planned to keep that as HIS money  and not see it as our money, I would be livid.  It's simply not the way I envision a family working.  We will speak with a financial planner to make sure everything works as best it can for the family as a whole in the long run, but if he were to effectively try to squirrel it away and hide it from me, and keep me from having access to it (not to mention seeing spending any of it on the family as a GIFT?!)   realistically, our marriage would be over.  I would see that as his not trusting in me and not having a vested interest in our future as partners, and I could not live my life feeling that way. 


I agree with this!
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#28 of 37 Old 06-19-2011, 05:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by insidevoice View Post

My DH will inherit a significant amount of money when his father passes away.  Honestly, if he planned to keep that as HIS money  and not see it as our money, I would be livid.  It's simply not the way I envision a family working.  We will speak with a financial planner to make sure everything works as best it can for the family as a whole in the long run, but if he were to effectively try to squirrel it away and hide it from me, and keep me from having access to it (not to mention seeing spending any of it on the family as a GIFT?!)   realistically, our marriage would be over.  I would see that as his not trusting in me and not having a vested interest in our future as partners, and I could not live my life feeling that way. 


But I'm guessing you and your husband are not near divorce?

 

And that your husband wouldn't tell others that due to this money, they will 'be taken care of for life' without discussing it with you?

 

I'm not saying keeping the money apart in a healthy, stable marriage is right at all. If the OP and her husband had a better marriage, I am willing to be money that this wouldn't be an issue. It's because they are on the rocks, trying to fix what's broken, and still figuring out how to communicate that this is an issue.

 

To be honest, I don't think I would be comfy if I came into a large amount of money and my husband began acting like we could suddenly spend tons, and promising others he'd take care of them so not to worry. Shoot, I hope my husband wouldn't be comfy if I started talking like that.

 

For all saying their husbands are sharing their inheritance/it wasn't a thought to keep it, I noticed a very telling trend: NONE of you talked about upping your living standard. Nor telling others you will 'take care of them'. In fact, one even mentioned that she wouldn't even consider keeping half of it in case of divorce. This is a completely different dynamic from what is happening.

 

And from what the OP is saying, she really wants the majority of the money not for herself but for her kids/grandchildren. I don't see why protecting that is so bad?

 

I also think that if the THERAPIST is saying don't comingle, there's something serious here. I'm honestly confused on how people here are still ripping the OP a new one without picking up on these details?

 

Ami

 

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#29 of 37 Old 06-19-2011, 08:22 PM
 
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OP-

 

I had to respond to this bcs I know EXACTLY where  you are coming from.  I've been through it with a fraction of the money you are talking about, but it still was a huge issue, and it still is, actually. Part of the problem is that I grew up in a household where my mother DID keep her money separate and I grew up hearing stories about women who gave their  husbands acces to family money and their husbands blew through it. My father was a very successful lawyer and never needed her to contribute, although she would occasionally pay for family trips. She paid for me to live abroad for a year, for example.  I guess my dad didn't see merit in the experience. My mom did, so she paid for it. Anyway, that's my background.

 

When dh and I got married, we were working together (self-employed).  The project ended about the time I got pregnant with our first child, and we decided I would stay at home. Took a while for dh to get another project going so we lived off credit cards and savings for awhile. He got some consulting work finally, that paid the bills, but didn't help us get out of the hole we had dug for ourselves. I had another baby.  Dh took off after a HUGE project, which felt like an answer to prayer when he got it, but really, it was a long, slow death. He couldn't really consult while he was getting the project off the ground so we slipped further into debt. Ugh. We didn't know anything about personal finance back then. (how is that possible??). And his big break was always just around the corner. We sold our house, we cashed in our retirement. SIgh. Because it was always just a matter of time before his project was going to get funded. And then the huge real estate collapse happened, and here we are.

 

But I tell you all of this because we were already a sinking ship when I received a trust disbursement of 150k (actually much more than that but I invested the rest of it in a now failing TIC). DH had the best intentions of leaving it be "mine" - we had already had our fair share of financial trauma. But we were short every month. SO guess where the money came from? ANd he needed investment capital, and who do you think he asked? I think you can guess the ending of the story.  It's all gone.  And we did nothing extravagant. It is still a real point of contention. Part of me feels like if that money hadn't been there he would never have dreamed of going so long without income.

 

I've had to let go of my anger and resentment about the situation, but it still does resurface.  But when I go over it my brain, I can't imagine how else it could have played out. The promise of his finally hitting paydirt was always looming. Nobody ever thought the market would crash the way it did.  

 

If I were to get another disbursement (which won't happen) my priorities would be getting rid of the last of our cc debt, funding our retirement, and buying a house. In your shoes, the pp who suggested living off interest and dividends made a good point. Numbers like you are talking seem so big that it seems impossible that they would ever zero out. So it's "easy" to spend several thousand here or there without noticing it making much of a difference in the bottom line.  A PLAN is definitely needed, so you can begin to envision what you want to use it for and what is then left over.  Good luck, op.  I struggle with a lot of the same things you do, but I feel like I handled it badly. If you figure it out, please let me know how!

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#30 of 37 Old 06-19-2011, 09:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JTA Mom View Post



 

I'm not saying keeping the money apart in a healthy, stable marriage is right at all. If the OP and her husband had a better marriage, I am willing to be money that this wouldn't be an issue. It's because they are on the rocks, trying to fix what's broken, and still figuring out how to communicate that this is an issue.

 

 



This is very true. In that situation, however, I think I would leave the marriage before I had the money so it was a non-issue.  I tend to be fairly concrete though, and if I think things will work I go into them completely, and if I don't think it will work, I am willing to walk away.   

 

I think that, as others have said, this is much more a relationship issue than a financial issue. 

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