Can't make ends meet and going into debt further and further... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 41 Old 11-17-2011, 06:53 PM
 
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Don't really have any advice for you, but wanted to send some hugs!  And to again remind you that this is temporary- a storm in your life that will hopefully pass soon!  Keep looking for ways to pinch and make money . . . and keep your head up!  Don't be afraid to ask for and receive help- it's humbling but it's good for us :)

Erika


Wife to my Denali-climbing DH
Mom to DD born Jan. 08 and DS born Oct. 09, and "baby sister" due Oct 2013!
House mom to ten boys, ages 8-11 at a group home! Yes, I must be nuts!
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#32 of 41 Old 11-17-2011, 08:31 PM
 
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Hi Mama,

 

I read your post earlier today and I have been thinking about you.  You're in a rough spot.  What I was reading in your post is that you are cutting costs wherever you can but your partner is not 100% on board.  You have sacrificed a lot, giving up a house to move to a small apartment, giving up the independence of your own car, you are now stuck inside, alone and isolated with a 2 year old all day.  Even with all the cost cutting, your husband is spending a $150 a month on extras for himself and putting you further into debt.  I really felt for you when I read that you went through the trouble of making him meals to take with him and he would waste/give away the food and buy fast food anyway.  That's hard mama!  I've been married for 10 years and I know how difficult it can be when you and your partner are not on the same page about something, especially something as stress-inducing as money.  Some of the best advice I've ever received was this:  You can't control how other people behave, you can only control how you react.  At first, I thought that it was ridiculous advice.  So someone can do whatever they want and I just have to be ok with it?  But that's not what it really means.  It means that you cannot emotionally take responsibility for your husband's behavior.  You can't make him quit smoking or eating out, so don't feel shame or resentment or whatever you are feeling about it. Only HE is responsible for his actions, not you. Let go of the stress so you can have a healthy pregnancy for your baby. Accept that he is going to blow $150 a month and that you will probably be going into debt every month until he is out of school.  It is what it is.  And it is TEMPORARY! Just acknowledging and accepting that $150 a month is gone may not be enough. I'm just brainstorming here, and you may be doing all of these things already, but here's what I've got as far as pro-active things to save/bring in money.  You are getting food assistance.  Is that SNAP or WIC or both?  You may be eligible for both if you are not already receiving both.  And take the WIC formula.  Sell it on Craigslist for half price. I see people selling formula on there all the time.  Why should you be punished for breastfeeding?  You might be able to wittle your food budget down, especially if your husband is eating a lot of meals out and its just you and a 2 year old.  I was pregnant last winter and I ate a lot of legumes and beans and soups. Split pea soup, lentil soup, bean soup, just add some rice or bread and you have a protein.  So cheap and so healthy!  Also old-fashioned oatmeal for breakfast.  Again super cheap and its supposed to increase milk supply. Make pancakes and bread from scratch.  You can get recipes for everything free on the internet. Americans eat way more animal protein than we need, so cut meat down to a couple times a week if you aren't already a vegetarian.  Also, have you considered visiting a food pantry? You may not feel that you "deserve" to use one since your husband is out spending money, but there is nothing you can do to stop him.  You are doing the best you can with what you have got.  If you don't have enough money for food every month after the rest of your expenses, then you qualify to be a food pantry client.  A lot of people need food pantries right now, you aren't the only one. Besides food, you might be able to cut heating costs. You live in a small space, can you close the vents in the bedrooms so there is only heat in the living area during the day?  Can you turn it off completely at night and just use extra blankets (until the baby is here of course).  Last winter we kept the heat at 55 degrees at night and made sure our 2 year old had enough blankets.  In my husband's country, a wealthy-first world country but not in North America, most people don't have heating in their bedrooms at all.  They have heat in the living room and that is it, they just bundle up in bed at night and believe me, it gets cold, but its nice and cozy in bed.  Also, can you turn the heat down a little during the day?  We keep ours at 65 and wear sweaters inside.  Also see if your city has free weatherization materials.  We got a whole bag of weather strips and other weatherization stuff free from our city last year and we were able to plug up any drafting windows and doors.  We rent, so it wasn't just for homeowners.  I hope some of these ideas help you out, but even if none of them work for you, my main message to you is that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now.  Be kind to yourself mama and know that this is just one season of your life.

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#33 of 41 Old 11-18-2011, 05:21 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

When DH and I were flat broke, smoking was hard to give up.  We tried and tried.  I think the stress of our situation made it even harder to stop.  Though he should stop for the time being I don't think it's as easy as just giving it up.  believe me I've tried. 

I guess it's more of this general attitude he seems to have that it's OK for him to spend a ton on takeout (and cigarettes) when they are struggling so much. I know quitting would be no small feat & I'm not necessarily saying he has to quit. I'm saying that the money he is using needs to be allocated to essentials first. I'm sure he could find some other way to get the cigarettes if he had to... like bartering with friends or finding a really cheap source or somehow making extra money on the side... I just can't fathom spending that much on non-essential (and harmful!) things when there isn't even enough money to buy the basics your child needs. I feel like OP needs to give her DH a bit of a reality check or something.

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#34 of 41 Old 11-18-2011, 05:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't been getting WIC b/c DD has a dairy allergy (and they offer mostly dairy) and they were harassing me about vax...A new office is opening up in my town though so maybe I can see if it has changed at all.

 

I can not get free formula and sell it. I appreciate the idea but I couldn't do that.

 

I have been talking to DH and I think he is starting to finally "get it". We went out and bought a bunch of work food that he will eat and is cheap (noodle bowls and stuff like that) Not the healthiest things but neither is takeout and at least these were much less expensive.

 

I do cook everything homemade, I make our bread and our snacks weekly. All meals are home cooked and homemade. The only conveinience (sp) item I buy is the $1 pastas that are pre made and you boil them oh and DD's butter and yogurt b/c she is dairy free and has to have special stuff.


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#35 of 41 Old 11-18-2011, 06:07 AM
 
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Definately get your WIC!  It is a benefit you are entitled to as a pregnant woman for your health and the health of your family. And it is a benefit your daughter is entitled to also.  Even if your daughter is dairy free, you and your husband can eat her diary products and use the money that frees up to buy the special foods you need for your daughter.  I see WIC foods marked in my local supermarket and there is veggies, bread, oatmeal, etc as well.  And if they try to harrass you about vaxing, tell them that you are there to discuss nutrition and that is all.  Say you only discuss your child's medical issues with your doctor and to please respect your privacy. Repeat that like a broken record every time they bring it up.

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#36 of 41 Old 11-18-2011, 12:06 PM
 
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There is a form that can be filled out by your dr. so you can get some dairy alternatives, if you would use those for your daughter. Goat milk, lactose-free milk, and soy milk can be added in place of dairy for her with a form filled out from your provider. I found the form online for my state.

 

I am pregnant and have 2 kids on WIC. We get about 11 gallons of milk, 3 lbs cheese, 3 doz eggs, lots of juice and cereal, 4 jars of PB or 4 lbs dry beans, 5 lbs whole grains (brown rice, bread, tortillas or oatmeal) and $22 for produce each month. I have to buy a few more grain items and more fruits and veggies than this covers, but this goes a long way. You can be sure my husband eats it, too!

 

Also, your SNAP benefits cannot be reduced if you have WIC, so this would definately help in the food area.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

I haven't been getting WIC b/c DD has a dairy allergy (and they offer mostly dairy) and they were harassing me about vax...A new office is opening up in my town though so maybe I can see if it has changed at all.

 

 



 

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#37 of 41 Old 11-18-2011, 03:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TiredX2 View Post

 

I think you need to focus on this.  First, what is your DH's degree going to be in?  When does he plan on starting interviewing.  We had a child while DP was still in school--- he planned on graduating in June and started looking the previous fall.   He had interviews in December, January & February and accepted an offer in February to start work in May (finished his work up early).  Anyway, I think it would take a lot of stress off of you if you *knew* things would be getting better in 6 months.

 

Do you have health insurance?  Can DP get help quitting smoking through that (either with drugs or therapy)?

 

Looking forward, I would really consider you to stay with your bare bones budget as long as it takes to pay off  your debt.  DP has friends who were so excited about earning $ out of college they immediately bought huge items (like BMWs).  We, instead, stuck with our single Escort and just plugged away at paying off the debt we had accrued while in school.  It didn't hurt (we were used to living poor as students) and it made it so that we were DONE with school debt within six months.  We loosened up a bit at that point, but just started socking money into savings and were able to buy a house about 15 months after DP started his job.

 

Once again, you are in a great position going forward.  Just try to make choices in the next few months so it *is* temporary.


For some reason I missed your questions on here. DH is going for HVAC so we won;t be rich for sure but maybe he will make $18/hr...I *think* we can live off of that. Once he has a regular job with set hours though I can get something P/T to help out.

 

He does have a few people interested in hiring him at this point so I'm hoping he can get something fast. I know if he could work in commercial industry it will be more pay as oppose to residential.

 

We have state health insurance and they offer the patch for quitting but IDK about a program. I will look into it.


 Young born-again mama and loving wife peace.gif to DH jammin.gif and SAHP to two crazy girls dust.gifwehomebirth.jpgfly-by-nursing2.gifslinggirl.giffamilybed1.gif and believe gd.giflactivist.gif  signcirc1.gif !

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#38 of 41 Old 11-18-2011, 07:05 PM
 
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just another thought, we have a local crisis pregnancy help center, where they help moms out with stuff for pregnancy and baby, and even some counseling.  They have emergency supplies of diapers and formula, they have cribs/pack n plays sometimes, but they also have maternity clothes on a loan system, and they usually have plenty of clothes donated to help get baby through the first year, so if you are having a boy, there may be a similar resource in your area.  you could also contact a church to see if their children's ministry could be of any help.  i just found out that i am having a boy and i intend to donate my dd's clothes through our church.  if the director let me know there was a mom in need, it would be so simple to help out with hand-me-downs... just a thought.  


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#39 of 41 Old 11-19-2011, 05:11 AM
 
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My Step Dad always did HVAC and he made bucket loads. Right now he's the lead at the company he works for and makes 30 and hr.  It was a long road but well worth it for him.  He at one point owned his own company.  It is good to continue education though.  Big companies will scramble for someone who is not only HVAC certified but electric and plumbing.  All well worth it!  He also worked for people on the side on his weekends.  Since he made so many contacts and while working on peoples houses or installing in businesses he became friendly with everyone around him.  He seriously would take out one weekend a month and earn an extra 1000 just installing a few systems on the cheap.  Helped out our family immensely!  

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post


For some reason I missed your questions on here. DH is going for HVAC so we won;t be rich for sure but maybe he will make $18/hr...I *think* we can live off of that. Once he has a regular job with set hours though I can get something P/T to help out.

 

He does have a few people interested in hiring him at this point so I'm hoping he can get something fast. I know if he could work in commercial industry it will be more pay as oppose to residential.

 

We have state health insurance and they offer the patch for quitting but IDK about a program. I will look into it.



 

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#40 of 41 Old 11-19-2011, 05:41 AM
 
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Hey! Sosurreal09- My husband's uncle does HVAC and make a ton of money and he does side jobs. He is always looking for someone help him on the weekends. Maybe your husband might find someone like this.

 

Anyway hang in there. it will work out.

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#41 of 41 Old 11-19-2011, 07:31 AM
 
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just another thought, we have a local crisis pregnancy help center, where they help moms out with stuff for pregnancy and baby, and even some counseling.  They have emergency supplies of diapers and formula, they have cribs/pack n plays sometimes, but they also have maternity clothes on a loan system, and they usually have plenty of clothes donated to help get baby through the first year, so if you are having a boy, there may be a similar resource in your area.  you could also contact a church to see if their children's ministry could be of any help.  i just found out that i am having a boy and i intend to donate my dd's clothes through our church.  if the director let me know there was a mom in need, it would be so simple to help out with hand-me-downs... just a thought.  

Oh and if you do have a boy... maybe you could find another second-time mom on craigslist who is having a girl after a boy, and you could swap all your baby clothes.

Co-sleeping is really wonderful when your child actually SLEEPS!! familybed1.gif
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