One income, retirement and divorce... - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 20 Old 08-30-2012, 06:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
mamabear0314's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,260
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Our marriage has always been rocky..either really happy or falling apart (dh has mental illness issues). My plan is to stay married forever but when dh is mad he always threatens to leave so I feel like I need to be prepared.
He is in the army and I'm a sahm. We have an ING savings account in my name only but its linked to our joint checking. Would it look unfavorable in the event of a divorce if I was to take that money?
Also if we each have our own retirement accounts, both funded with the one income, would I have any rights to that money?

Single, student mama slingboy.gif to 3 boys jumpers.gif 

 

homeschool.gif saynovax.gif signcirc1.gif bfinfant.gif femalesling.GIF familybed2.gif h20homebirth.gif 

mamabear0314 is online now  
#2 of 20 Old 08-30-2012, 10:41 AM
 
Bad Mama Jama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Locale so Secret that I Don't Know
Posts: 4,977
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

you may want to consult a lawyer.  from my gut, i could tell you that it does not sound right to take the ING money through it is solely in your name.  you may want to speak with a lawyer to see what rights you would also have to the retirement accounts as it seems to differ state to state.  please seek out some legal advice even if it is just a general overview.

 

before i got divorced, i went to a high end place that offered free monthly informational sessions for women only who were contemplating divorce.  i did not use their services because they were WAAAAAY out of my price range, but the info from that session alone was priceless.


Former dreads.gifwearing, treehugger.gifing, pole dancing, read.gifpushing, ribbonpurple.gifsurvivor & single mama extraordinaire to energy.gif.  

Now that's a mouthful!!! computergeek2.gif & follow it!   

 

Bad Mama Jama is offline  
#3 of 20 Old 08-30-2012, 11:41 AM
 
JudiAU's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Where creepy facebook-featured threads can't find me
Posts: 3,593
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

In a contested divorce, any proceeds from the salary will probably be held as community property. It doesn't really matter if it is your name if the source of the funding came from the family (his) income. Your retirement accounts might be directed to the named party put are often split equally. You may or may not receive a portion of his pension and/or social security or military benefits depending on military policy and the length of your marriage. 

 

The only thing that really, truly belongs to one person is an account that was funded prior to marriage and/or contained non-comingled funds. i.e. DH had savings prior to marriage and never contributed co-mingled funds (i.e. salary) into the account after marriage. Or, for any deposit that was made you signed a waiver that you did not claim access to it.

JudiAU is online now  
#4 of 20 Old 08-30-2012, 12:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamabear0314's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,260
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Feels like I would be screwed then. Might as well start putting 20s under my mattress, lol.

Single, student mama slingboy.gif to 3 boys jumpers.gif 

 

homeschool.gif saynovax.gif signcirc1.gif bfinfant.gif femalesling.GIF familybed2.gif h20homebirth.gif 

mamabear0314 is online now  
#5 of 20 Old 08-30-2012, 05:13 PM
 
EmsMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 1,389
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)

I have had a few women ask me about this kind of thing.  And you know, if you can find a place to stash some cash, perhaps with a friend of just well hidden, it is really not a bad idea.  Also, there are other things you can do to prepare.  If you keep some of the joint money in your own account where he doesn't have access, at least he cannot wipe out everything if he up and bugs out.   That would leave you utterly stranded and if and when the courts caught up with it, the money might be long gone.  Work to establish your own checking and savings accounts, get a credit card in your name only.  Keep a current resume and work on your skill set if necessary.  Even one college class a semester would put you closer to a degree, maybe one of the two year technical degrees at a community college (NOT a for profit school!).  If you have little kids, they will eventually be in school full time and that will be your chance to get work.  Be prepared for it.  And the more joint money you have in general, or joint equity in a house, the more your share of the assets will be.  So continue paying off debt and accruing assets as it is possible.  If there are family pictures or other items you wouldn't want to live without, tuck the negatives or the items in a safe deposit box, along with any information about real or potential assets (car titles, mortgage papers, etc.).  Many divorce lawyers will give free one time consultations and you can go to a few of them and see what your options are.  I see so many women just wait until a man splits and then they are lost.  But when these kinds of situations go on for a while, sometimes years, there is a lot you can do to plan and prepare. 

EmsMom is online now  
#6 of 20 Old 08-31-2012, 10:00 AM
 
tiqa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 503
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Not like you can really predict what he would act like, especially with mental instability (my DH has mental issues as well, it's hard!!) but can you get a feel for what his attitude might be like after marriage?  Is he just trying to cut ties and get his freedom back?  I knew one guy in the Army who gave his wife everything without a fight - house, savings, etc - because he just didn't care to have a fight, and knew that she had been dependent on him for income.  On the other hand if your husband wants to fight for his share, if he's still in the service he can get help for himself.

 

If I were you I would check out what options you have, legally.  Is there any documentation of his mental illness?  I know it can be a touchy subject when you're still AD.  And often even the family advice they give you is skewed towards the actual service member.  However mental illness and divorce are common in the Army so it's not a unique situation, and you can probably get advice from someone.  I would just be careful to remain unemotional if you went to see them, don't try to appeal to the "poor woe is me" mentality (not like you would, just saying).  If you have any emails or anything that you can use as proof as him threatening divorce, I would also bring those up - stating exactly what you said in the first post.  How YOU don't want to initiate a divorce, but you want to know what to do to responsibly prepare in case HE does.  But of course you might be aware that it MIGHT get back to him at some point, and you also don't want to make him look bad, because then he might get resentful.  Regardless, they should be able to give you the basic info and rundown of what's legal and what's not.

tiqa is offline  
#7 of 20 Old 09-08-2012, 04:51 PM
 
rebecca_n's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 166
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

if there could be a divorce i would go to jag for a consultation. once you've been seen by legal (military) then if you do divorce they can only represent you (they can help the first person who contacts them and they keep records). good luck


familybed2.gifSAHM, military wife, momma to DSD 2004lady.gif, 2007angel1.gif, DS 2008jog.gif,  DD 2011 jog.gif

lactivist.gifintactivist.gifh20homebirth.gifcd.giffly-by-nursing2.gifphotosmile2.gif

rebecca_n is offline  
#8 of 20 Old 09-08-2012, 05:20 PM
 
Imakcerka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4,065
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)

You're entitled to a portion of his retirement benefits.  If he gets out and collects VA Disability you are entitled to a portion for child support if needed.  You are not screwed... he is.  If he stays in he can not skirt his duty to his family. 

Imakcerka is offline  
#9 of 20 Old 09-08-2012, 05:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamabear0314's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,260
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Thanks everyone, he is bipolar I think..he went from 1.5 weeks of awesomeness to a complete a$$hole last night. Tried to tell me to leave, etc. Then this morning back to being nice. Jekyl and Hyde. I don't want to leave because he has an explosive temper and I can not risk him getting the kids alone for any amount of time by himself...as it is I can banish him when hes grumpy so they don't have to see it.

Single, student mama slingboy.gif to 3 boys jumpers.gif 

 

homeschool.gif saynovax.gif signcirc1.gif bfinfant.gif femalesling.GIF familybed2.gif h20homebirth.gif 

mamabear0314 is online now  
#10 of 20 Old 09-08-2012, 08:09 PM
 
Imakcerka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4,065
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)

Are you on post?  Or do you have his 1sgt's number? 

rebecca_n likes this.
Imakcerka is offline  
#11 of 20 Old 09-09-2012, 02:11 PM
 
rebecca_n's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 166
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

see if he'll go get help or talk to his chaplain or chain of command. maybe he can be helped?  stay safe


familybed2.gifSAHM, military wife, momma to DSD 2004lady.gif, 2007angel1.gif, DS 2008jog.gif,  DD 2011 jog.gif

lactivist.gifintactivist.gifh20homebirth.gifcd.giffly-by-nursing2.gifphotosmile2.gif

rebecca_n is offline  
#12 of 20 Old 09-11-2012, 06:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamabear0314's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,260
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebecca_n View Post

see if he'll go get help or talk to his chaplain or chain of command. maybe he can be helped?  stay safe

 

Oh he has. He went AWOL in April, suicidal, etc. They gave him zoloft and counseling referrals for a couple months and that's been it. I don't think he takes his meds anymore, not that they helped.

The thing is, he can be a great guy. Fun. Nice. Loving father. It's just his mood swings. My family won't even come visit us because it's too nerve wracking for them. :(


Single, student mama slingboy.gif to 3 boys jumpers.gif 

 

homeschool.gif saynovax.gif signcirc1.gif bfinfant.gif femalesling.GIF familybed2.gif h20homebirth.gif 

mamabear0314 is online now  
#13 of 20 Old 09-11-2012, 08:31 PM
 
tiqa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 503
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

There might be more serious mental health stuff going on.

 

My husband has... well, without oversharing, he has a host of symptoms.  He is out of the military now, has been since 2005 and we have really have had our ups and downs.  Really, really far downs, if you know what I mean.  He has had numerous hospitalizations, etc.  Suicide attempts, the whole bit.  It's... a very rough road.  It probably will never end.  Think in the long term.  Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life?  I'm not saying that it is hopeless - DH and I are together and expecting our third, but it has totally done away with everything "normal" about our lives... no jobs (he gets disability, I get a stipend from the VA for caregiving), constant therapy, no social life, obviously relationship changes, family/relative changes, outbursts, etc.  The kids are obviously affected, although I think they're coping rather well.  But I've been pretty much the sole parent to them their first years, it's only in the last year or so that DH has really picked up the slack.  But they're older, now, and the trade off they're starting to ask questions of why their daddy is angry a lot, etc.

 

I am lucky because my husband never got hooked on drugs or drink or other things some people self medicate with.    And although divorce was on the table before (we even separated for a while) he is committed to being with us.  If you can't say the same for your husband, i.e. if he is thinking of leaving, just be prepared that it can be a very long road.  A lot of times mental health issues of active duty personell are swept under the rug because otherwise everyone and their mother would be asking for mental health services because let's face it, it's a freaking stressful job/lifestyle/etc and it's going to push people to their limits, even under the best of circumstances.  I'm not villainizing the way the military works but I think they try to do the minimum possible, that way they can retain as many soldiers as possible.  If your husband and you are committed to staying together, push hard to get him all the services he needs.  If he accepts them... it can take a lot to do that, because no one wants to admit they need mental health help especially if their peers and superiors and doctors are, verbally or not, telling them to suck it up.

 

I'm really sorry you're in for this.  It's an ugly side of military life.  I would think long and hard about your goals.  Yes, there's a chance that he could and will get better and "get over" his issues now, but it's not LIKELY to happen without him accepting the idea he needs help, seeking help, ,staying WITH getting help... and a lot of ups and downs.  It's... it's possible, it's doable, but if he is not 100% on board with being with YOU, divorce being off the table, and making that commitment to work together... I would honestly say that it's too much for one person to handle alone, trying to move things forward.  He might be great in his good times, but ask yourself if you can live with what he dishes out on his bad days.  Because chances are, the bad days are not going to go away.  If you guys DO stay together, I hope he gets better doctors.  It's been like seven years of changing meds and such before we found a combination that works for my husband.  And it still needs tweaking.  They finally diagnosed him as bipolar - even though I'm fighting them for a borderline dx as well.  A script for Zoloft?  Uh... not going to happen.  If I were you I would GO to see the mental health people or at least write them a succint, non-complaining, factual letter desciribing his behavior in a detached way.  Specific incidents.  They might not be aware of all that's going on.  It took my doing that for some time before the docs really started listening.  I let him do his own thing with the doctors for years, figuring it was his business.  Turns out they had no idea what was really going on with his symptoms.  He admitted to a couple of nightmares and anxiety.  Yeah, that wasn't all.  But the doctors aren't mind readers.  They need to know.  If he's willing to work on things... and you don't think he'd be dangerous-angry if you went above his head etc to his doctors or whoever, I would try that route.  Just a thought.

 

Hope for the best for you guys.

rebecca_n likes this.
tiqa is offline  
#14 of 20 Old 09-12-2012, 09:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
mamabear0314's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,260
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by tiqa View Post

There might be more serious mental health stuff going on.

 

My husband has... well, without oversharing, he has a host of symptoms.  He is out of the military now, has been since 2005 and we have really have had our ups and downs.  Really, really far downs, if you know what I mean.  He has had numerous hospitalizations, etc.  Suicide attempts, the whole bit.  It's... a very rough road.  It probably will never end.  Think in the long term.  Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life?  I'm not saying that it is hopeless - DH and I are together and expecting our third, but it has totally done away with everything "normal" about our lives... no jobs (he gets disability, I get a stipend from the VA for caregiving), constant therapy, no social life, obviously relationship changes, family/relative changes, outbursts, etc.  The kids are obviously affected, although I think they're coping rather well.  But I've been pretty much the sole parent to them their first years, it's only in the last year or so that DH has really picked up the slack.  But they're older, now, and the trade off they're starting to ask questions of why their daddy is angry a lot, etc.

 

I am lucky because my husband never got hooked on drugs or drink or other things some people self medicate with.    And although divorce was on the table before (we even separated for a while) he is committed to being with us.  If you can't say the same for your husband, i.e. if he is thinking of leaving, just be prepared that it can be a very long road.  A lot of times mental health issues of active duty personell are swept under the rug because otherwise everyone and their mother would be asking for mental health services because let's face it, it's a freaking stressful job/lifestyle/etc and it's going to push people to their limits, even under the best of circumstances.  I'm not villainizing the way the military works but I think they try to do the minimum possible, that way they can retain as many soldiers as possible.  If your husband and you are committed to staying together, push hard to get him all the services he needs.  If he accepts them... it can take a lot to do that, because no one wants to admit they need mental health help especially if their peers and superiors and doctors are, verbally or not, telling them to suck it up.

 

I'm really sorry you're in for this.  It's an ugly side of military life.  I would think long and hard about your goals.  Yes, there's a chance that he could and will get better and "get over" his issues now, but it's not LIKELY to happen without him accepting the idea he needs help, seeking help, ,staying WITH getting help... and a lot of ups and downs.  It's... it's possible, it's doable, but if he is not 100% on board with being with YOU, divorce being off the table, and making that commitment to work together... I would honestly say that it's too much for one person to handle alone, trying to move things forward.  He might be great in his good times, but ask yourself if you can live with what he dishes out on his bad days.  Because chances are, the bad days are not going to go away.  If you guys DO stay together, I hope he gets better doctors.  It's been like seven years of changing meds and such before we found a combination that works for my husband.  And it still needs tweaking.  They finally diagnosed him as bipolar - even though I'm fighting them for a borderline dx as well.  A script for Zoloft?  Uh... not going to happen.  If I were you I would GO to see the mental health people or at least write them a succint, non-complaining, factual letter desciribing his behavior in a detached way.  Specific incidents.  They might not be aware of all that's going on.  It took my doing that for some time before the docs really started listening.  I let him do his own thing with the doctors for years, figuring it was his business.  Turns out they had no idea what was really going on with his symptoms.  He admitted to a couple of nightmares and anxiety.  Yeah, that wasn't all.  But the doctors aren't mind readers.  They need to know.  If he's willing to work on things... and you don't think he'd be dangerous-angry if you went above his head etc to his doctors or whoever, I would try that route.  Just a thought.

 

Hope for the best for you guys.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by tiqa View Post

There might be more serious mental health stuff going on.

 

My husband has... well, without oversharing, he has a host of symptoms.  He is out of the military now, has been since 2005 and we have really have had our ups and downs.  Really, really far downs, if you know what I mean.  He has had numerous hospitalizations, etc.  Suicide attempts, the whole bit.  It's... a very rough road.  It probably will never end.  Think in the long term.  Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life?  I'm not saying that it is hopeless - DH and I are together and expecting our third, but it has totally done away with everything "normal" about our lives... no jobs (he gets disability, I get a stipend from the VA for caregiving), constant therapy, no social life, obviously relationship changes, family/relative changes, outbursts, etc.  The kids are obviously affected, although I think they're coping rather well.  But I've been pretty much the sole parent to them their first years, it's only in the last year or so that DH has really picked up the slack.  But they're older, now, and the trade off they're starting to ask questions of why their daddy is angry a lot, etc.

 

I am lucky because my husband never got hooked on drugs or drink or other things some people self medicate with.    And although divorce was on the table before (we even separated for a while) he is committed to being with us.  If you can't say the same for your husband, i.e. if he is thinking of leaving, just be prepared that it can be a very long road.  A lot of times mental health issues of active duty personell are swept under the rug because otherwise everyone and their mother would be asking for mental health services because let's face it, it's a freaking stressful job/lifestyle/etc and it's going to push people to their limits, even under the best of circumstances.  I'm not villainizing the way the military works but I think they try to do the minimum possible, that way they can retain as many soldiers as possible.  If your husband and you are committed to staying together, push hard to get him all the services he needs.  If he accepts them... it can take a lot to do that, because no one wants to admit they need mental health help especially if their peers and superiors and doctors are, verbally or not, telling them to suck it up.

 

I'm really sorry you're in for this.  It's an ugly side of military life.  I would think long and hard about your goals.  Yes, there's a chance that he could and will get better and "get over" his issues now, but it's not LIKELY to happen without him accepting the idea he needs help, seeking help, ,staying WITH getting help... and a lot of ups and downs.  It's... it's possible, it's doable, but if he is not 100% on board with being with YOU, divorce being off the table, and making that commitment to work together... I would honestly say that it's too much for one person to handle alone, trying to move things forward.  He might be great in his good times, but ask yourself if you can live with what he dishes out on his bad days.  Because chances are, the bad days are not going to go away.  If you guys DO stay together, I hope he gets better doctors.  It's been like seven years of changing meds and such before we found a combination that works for my husband.  And it still needs tweaking.  They finally diagnosed him as bipolar - even though I'm fighting them for a borderline dx as well.  A script for Zoloft?  Uh... not going to happen.  If I were you I would GO to see the mental health people or at least write them a succint, non-complaining, factual letter desciribing his behavior in a detached way.  Specific incidents.  They might not be aware of all that's going on.  It took my doing that for some time before the docs really started listening.  I let him do his own thing with the doctors for years, figuring it was his business.  Turns out they had no idea what was really going on with his symptoms.  He admitted to a couple of nightmares and anxiety.  Yeah, that wasn't all.  But the doctors aren't mind readers.  They need to know.  If he's willing to work on things... and you don't think he'd be dangerous-angry if you went above his head etc to his doctors or whoever, I would try that route.  Just a thought.

 

Hope for the best for you guys.

 

Thanks, I don't really know what I feel. Honestly I want to leave but, I know he would get at least joint custody and I can't risk that. I feel stuck.


Single, student mama slingboy.gif to 3 boys jumpers.gif 

 

homeschool.gif saynovax.gif signcirc1.gif bfinfant.gif femalesling.GIF familybed2.gif h20homebirth.gif 

mamabear0314 is online now  
#15 of 20 Old 09-12-2012, 01:44 PM
 
rebecca_n's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 166
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

custody. If he isn't mentally stable its very likely you would get sole (at least physical) . i second the recommendation to go talk to mental health. it sucks that units don't take care of their troops better. also him threaten to take the kids could be used against him in regards to custody. if you do end up leaving file for emergency custody.


familybed2.gifSAHM, military wife, momma to DSD 2004lady.gif, 2007angel1.gif, DS 2008jog.gif,  DD 2011 jog.gif

lactivist.gifintactivist.gifh20homebirth.gifcd.giffly-by-nursing2.gifphotosmile2.gif

rebecca_n is offline  
#16 of 20 Old 09-12-2012, 03:05 PM
 
tiqa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 503
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It was a big concern for me too at the time.

 

Record everything.  Courts have heard everything when it comes to husbands/wives slandering their soon-to-be exes in order to get custody.  You need proof if you want to have custody.  If you have proof that he is mentally unstable, chances are you will get custody and that's that.  Furthermore, proof would also come in handy if you want to work on things and went to his doctor etc.  Otherwise they can brush off the "unfounded accusations" and even turn it around on you that maybe YOU are the one who is unstable and just trying to get them in trouble/get custody/take their money/whatever.  I've seen it happen before if things get to that point.  I'm not saying it will be.. but documentation helps things tremendously.  Emails, voicemails, pictures if anything breaks due to temper, even a journal with a dated timeline, direct quotes etc helps.

tiqa is offline  
#17 of 20 Old 09-13-2012, 11:33 AM
 
rebecca_n's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 166
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebecca_n View Post

custody. If he isn't mentally stable its very likely you would get sole (at least physical) . i second the recommendation to go talk to mental health. it sucks that units don't take care of their troops better. also him threaten to take the kids could be used against him in regards to custody. if you do end up leaving file for emergency custody.

sorry for the horrible grammar /spelling. my touch pad keeps jumping around and making it hard to type


familybed2.gifSAHM, military wife, momma to DSD 2004lady.gif, 2007angel1.gif, DS 2008jog.gif,  DD 2011 jog.gif

lactivist.gifintactivist.gifh20homebirth.gifcd.giffly-by-nursing2.gifphotosmile2.gif

rebecca_n is offline  
#18 of 20 Old 03-15-2013, 11:46 AM
 
Jackeke's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: La Jolla, CA
Posts: 48
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'd also suggest...everything is he say she says unless proven otherwise. Maybe turn on the record function on your phone or ipad the next time he has a particularly violent outburst. Its just good to have something on your side that is irrefutable in the court room if it has to come to that. 

 

Just a thought. Hugs, hug2.gif


hug2.gif    goodvibes.gifstillheart.gif  

Jackeke is offline  
#19 of 20 Old 03-18-2013, 11:39 AM
 
Caneel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Small town in a rural area
Posts: 3,869
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

OP, your post caught my eye because a situation close to me, not my marriage and not a military spouse but similar mental components.   The wife was legit. concerned (and rightly so) about him flying off the handle.  He did try to pull some financial shenanigans but his attorney taked some sense into him. 

 

 

Based on what I saw happen with them, I have the following advice/thoughts -

 

Obviously, getting some sort of legal advice is key.  Is there a women's or family crisis center off base somewhere?  They may be able to direct you to an attorney specializing in this type of case. 


Be careful with that ING account.  The couple I know kept seperate finances (and always had for their 20+ year marriage) but there was an account that was in her name only but used for joint household expenses.  She wanted to empty it and run but advised not to touch it by her attorney, that it would look bad in the eyes of the court.


Open another account now in your name only.  Even if the funds get contested later on, you will still have control of it until then, giving you a safety net.


Get your own credit card.


Get a P.O. Box, have any of your own statements from the above two items sent to that P.O. Box.  The P.O. box can also be used as a place to store credit cards, gift cards and even cash (although not advisable but desperate times call for desperate measures).  Many banks will also give you free or low cost safety deposit boxes which could be used as a hiding place.  For the record, I am not advocating hiding significant assets, I am talking about keeping your family safe with a roof over their head money.

 

Can you get a job now?  If you do seperate, you will eventually need one.

 

The couple I refer to above didn't fight over their retirement accounts because they both worked the entire marriage.  I know another couple that divorced, she was a SAHM for years, and she did get part of his retirement account.  I don't know if she also had her own or not.

 

I am sorry for your troubles, I think Tiqa is giving you good advice on dealing with mental aspects of the situation.


Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
Caneel is offline  
#20 of 20 Old 04-14-2013, 01:56 PM
 
alpenglow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,494
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 53 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jackeke View Post

I'd also suggest...everything is he say she says unless proven otherwise. Maybe turn on the record function on your phone or ipad the next time he has a particularly violent outburst. Its just good to have something on your side that is irrefutable in the court room if it has to come to that. 

 

Just a thought. Hugs, hug2.gif

Yes!  And password protect the device it's on and make backup copies.

 

I'd be consulting a lawyer asap.

alpenglow is offline  
Reply

Tags
Finances

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off