SAHM... do you get an allowance? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums
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#91 of 117 Old 04-12-2005, 02:30 PM
 
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I wanted to add, I don't have to "ask" my dh for money. I pay all of the bills and handle all of the money. The "allowance" that we both get is something that we decided on ourselves. Maybe its the term "allowance" that is turning some people off. What I refer to as an allowance is just "fun money" that we both get each pay check.
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#92 of 117 Old 04-14-2005, 10:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by edamommy
Do you get an allowance?
How much?
What is that money for?

How does it work in your family??

Thanks ladies!

No I don't get an allowance, in fact, DH has to come to ME to find out what's in the account. I do the finances and all the money stuff. Not that I keep it all from him, he just doesn't care to do it nor could he, and I just do.

I buy what I want when I want. BUT not much nor often is it for ME, don't buy clothes etc....unless totally needed which hasn't happened but once. I do thrift stores etc.....I do buy for the kids.........when they need.

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#93 of 117 Old 04-14-2005, 10:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greaseball
Maybe we should call it an entitlement instead of an allowance, if we don't like the word allowance. I do see part of dh's money as an entitlement, for me to do with as I wish without having to account for how I spent it or do anything to get it.

I don't think it should be called anything. I mean, if the DH, like mine, goes to work to make the money to survive and feed family, that is his part of raising the family etc...my part is actually being home to do it. So why would anyone call it an allowance or entitlement?...it just is what it is....money to survive. If he didn't have the family to support...it would just be his pay. If she didn't have the kids to watch, she'd be out working for pay. (ideally..........hypothetically....I don't mean it all ver batem)
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#94 of 117 Old 04-14-2005, 01:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by my2girlsmama
I don't think it should be called anything. I mean, if the DH, like mine, goes to work to make the money to survive and feed family, that is his part of raising the family etc...my part is actually being home to do it. So why would anyone call it an allowance or entitlement?...it just is what it is....money to survive. If he didn't have the family to support...it would just be his pay. If she didn't have the kids to watch, she'd be out working for pay. (ideally..........hypothetically....I don't mean it all ver batem)
Well, as I explained previously (and it looks like primgirl has the exact same situation) it is not money to survive. It is money that allows me to just spend it... not worry if it would be better spent for future college costs, gas in the car, etc... It is my fun money. For DP, especially, it was just very hard to actually spend money on himself. He would *always* want to spend it on the kids or the family. This way he has $15 weekly that he feels no guilt over spending... it has no where else to go except where he wants it. Hypothetically, I would like DP to just feel comfortable spending what he wants/needs but this way there is a specific amount he can spend.

Now, if the items is for our family (or groceries, etc...) either of us can buy it w/no problems. I guess we just have no negative connotations w/the word "allowance." Would we be getting the same reaction to "do you spend money on yourself?" or the like?

 

 

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#95 of 117 Old 04-14-2005, 03:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by my2girlsmama
No I don't get an allowance, in fact, DH has to come to ME to find out what's in the account. I do the finances and all the money stuff. Not that I keep it all from him, he just doesn't care to do it nor could he, and I just do.

I buy what I want when I want. BUT not much nor often is it for ME, don't buy clothes etc....unless totally needed which hasn't happened but once. I do thrift stores etc.....I do buy for the kids.........when they need.

i don't mean to pick on you DIRECTLY, but you're the most recent poster, so...
i'm REALLY bothered by the number of mamas who have rushed to say that they don't spend much or any money on themselves. this makes me sad, to be honest. you deserve things just as much as anyone else in the family. okay, so both you and the kid need shoes, but his have holes in them while your's are just getting scuffed-- obviously, his take priority. but putting yourself first occassionally isn't a crime. both of you have scuffed shoes and you found some for yourself you LOVE. get them. you're allowed to feel good and get gifts, too.
okay, off my soap box. :
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#96 of 117 Old 04-14-2005, 04:03 PM
 
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We both get the same amount of spending money per 2-week period. I offered to take less since I am home but dh didn't want me to. I will charge/atm when I shop if I want to hang on to the cash.
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#97 of 117 Old 04-14-2005, 04:16 PM
 
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DH and I both get an allowance. I don't see it as him controlling me, we had this budget when I was the one working, but more as us controlling our spending and working towards our goals. We each get $100 a month -- he spends his mostly on going to the movies (we each get alone time each week) and I spend mine mostly on yarn.
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#98 of 117 Old 04-16-2005, 05:54 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TiredX2
I guess we just have no negative connotations w/the word "allowance." Would we be getting the same reaction to "do you spend money on yourself?" or the like?
I do think that most/many on this thread (myself included) have an issue with the word allowance having the connotation with a lack of power. You give (allow) your child to have some money to spend - their allowance. I think that even though we are respectful about it, the word allowance - when used for kids' spending money - is just easier to accept.

If you exchange the word allowance for mad money or spending money or what have you, and both spouses/partners get this amount regardless of who actually has their name on the paycheck, then I think that is fine.

But the OP's situation sounds like he makes the money, he controls the money, she has to beg for any to spend how she likes. That is not right and that is what people are getting passionate about - that she is not in an equal partnership in regards to finances.

Have we run her off? I am hoping that the OP has resolved this problem. Are you there?? People are passionate because we want you to have some control of the family finances without having to beg - that is only right. I hope you are taking this as support for you, not attacks.
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#99 of 117 Old 04-16-2005, 09:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm still here! Sorry to not update! I think I've exaggerated my dh's "power" in this situation and I feel just awful. The truth is I'm AWFUL with money. I've got myself so far in dept I cannot ever get a credit card or anything. My dh started out in our relationship w/ joint checking acct. , and I never kept track of anything... bounced checks ... etc. And that was when I was working too. He's such a low key non-confrontational guy and he's such a pleaser ... we have a hard time communicating about money. So, he feels guilty for not "letting" me have any control of the funds... but I know he is best suited to deal with them. Ack... there's a lot of emotions surrounding $ in this house and it sucks. Anyway, he's not a monster. IN fact, he's the kindest sweetest man out there... you could poke him with a stick over and over and he'll not growl... not once! :LOL

Anyway, we've figured out a plan. I've opened a savings account w/ an ATM card attached. When he deposits his checks he puts a percentage of each into my account (we decided on a random 15%... ) which is just for me to use anyway I need. So far, it's great. And there's no chance of me just losing my mind and spending every cent we have! LOL! Thanks ladies for the wonderful advice, information, and support.
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#100 of 117 Old 04-18-2005, 05:46 PM
 
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I handle all the bills and money. We have a joint account- but aI am setting up a seperate account just for bills because dh has a hard time not spending our bill money on crap and putting me in a jom.
I set aside about 80 every two weeks for spedning money for myself- so 160 a month. It never works out that way at all- because of dh- hence the new account for him alone( where he will get 25 a week) he has a problem not understanding that money does not grow on trees. He thinks if it says it is in the account it is fair game! ARGH!
It should work better for us that way.
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#101 of 117 Old 04-22-2005, 03:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greaseball
I'm surprised at how many SAHMs pay the bills. That never occurred to me; I mean, the checks are in dh's name, he has to put them in the bank, I just thought he would write the checks too.

Maybe it's different when there is no joint acct.

My Dh's pay gets direct deposited into our account. So the money is there right away. As for signing cheques, the chequing acount for us is in both names, jointm so yes we both can sign off on them. DH doesn't generally write cheques unless I suggest it for what the purchase may be....so I write them all and sign etc.....We got a joint account when dating actually nearly 10 years ago and have always had it. No point to me, in having separate accounts.
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#102 of 117 Old 04-22-2005, 03:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by witchbaby
i don't mean to pick on you DIRECTLY, but you're the most recent poster, so...
i'm REALLY bothered by the number of mamas who have rushed to say that they don't spend much or any money on themselves. this makes me sad, to be honest. you deserve things just as much as anyone else in the family. okay, so both you and the kid need shoes, but his have holes in them while your's are just getting scuffed-- obviously, his take priority. but putting yourself first occassionally isn't a crime. both of you have scuffed shoes and you found some for yourself you LOVE. get them. you're allowed to feel good and get gifts, too.
okay, off my soap box. :

Too true my friend. We struggle on one income a bit, so yes, I tend to put myself on the backburner somewhat. Dh doesn't like this, and we both realize it is alot to do with my internal issues...growing up in a home with a mom who primarily was sah BUT worked as well, did the money, and a father who spent like crazy and put them in the hole many many times.........so I guess I worry? We've already survived money issues so I just worry...........but I do treat myself sometimes and Dh and I are readjusting our lives a bit to focus on US and for me to as well.........for me. I didn't mean to come here and make it seem that buying for one's self is wrong, not at all I am learning alot from this thread and I do realize I need to be priority too!

Once the bank account maintains itself...........:LOL.
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#103 of 117 Old 04-22-2005, 03:36 PM
 
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I'm not a SAHM and I get an "allowance" (semantics aside :LOL)

DH and I own our own business, and we decided a while ago, that since he's in charge of the business finances, it makes sense for him to be in charge of our personal finances (ie paying the bills) too.

We sat down and figured out how much I generally spend in a week's time, and every pay period, I get that in cash. The rest of my check goes into the bank for bills, etc.

I, like the OP am AWFUL with money. I hate that I am, but I am. I firmly believe that my mom contributed to this, as she's an emotional, compulsive shopper, who lives way above her means and maxes out every credit card she's ever had.

I have one company credit card, for company expenses, obviously. I have one regular VISA card, for emergencies. I do not have a debit card. The only money in the checking account is for bills, anyway, so there is no need for me to have a debit card. Dh does not have one, either.

We do have joint checking, joint savings, etc. So I do have access to all our money at all times...leaving me covered in case of an emergency.

This works great for us.

Oh, I should mention, if I do need extra money (someone's birthday's coming up, or holiday shopping, or I desperately need new maternity clothes :LOL) I just tell him, "Hey, I need $x extra this week, if we have it." No biggie.

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#104 of 117 Old 04-24-2005, 07:13 PM
 
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This is a really interesting thread, because money management has been a bone of contention in our marriage since day 1 practically.

Both of us over-reacted to how our parents spent money. DH's parents were strapped for cash ALL the time, so DH has reacted and become . . . well, a tightwad.

My parent's NEVER let me spend any of my babysitting money or part-time job money on anything. It all went into my savings account. I reacted when we got married and spent money like it was going out of style.

DH has had to bail me out several times when I racked up the credit card bill to the point where I didn't have enough money in the family checking account to pay it off.

After many, many, many failed attempts to find a money management system to work for us, we have SEPERATE checking accounts. I get $260 on the and 15th and 30rd of the month. This is money for groceries, gas, diapers, formula, clothing for me and DD, and spending money. DH gets the rest for bills, savings, etc. I teach at our local Joann's 1 night a week and usually bring in an additional $60 per class which is extra money for me to spend as I wish.

IMO, each family has to do what works for THEM. Who cares if it is called a budget, allowance, or whatever.

Erin

ETA - I am now a completely CASH ONLY gal (I do right checks). This is of my own choosing. I cut up my debit card and credit cards (I have one in the glove box for emergency purposes) and only have an ATM card for cash withdrawals.
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#105 of 117 Old 04-27-2005, 12:00 AM
 
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this is an interesting thread.

My dh goes to work and that's about the extent of his money involvement. I take care of all the finances, investing, and the majority of the spending. We both get a certain amt of "blow" money every week. For me, that's my paypal/ebay budget.

My name is even first on the checking account. That's weird now that I think about it... but we both have debit cards and his name is right there too. As far as bills, everything is in dh's name. This is for ONE reason only - I busted my rear to clean up his credit and pay off everything that was in his name..therefore he is the one with the great credit. I firmly believe in equity.. we go over the budget together, I taught him how to balance the checkbook (his mother thinks a register is where you jot down how much you spent and where... she has never, in her entire life, balanced her checkbook). He knows where every penny is going... but if there is something i really want, we talk about it. For example, he gets a bonus a few times a year. This past Feb. when he got a bonus, we took the kids to Nashville and bought all their clothes through this coming fall. That was a joint decision. Every now and then he'll keep the kids and let me go Goodwill-ing, shopping, and just out and about myself. He will say, "Please try not to spend more than X." But really it's me who knows what's in the accounts. LOL

That's what works for us. If my dh handled the bills they'd never be paid. He's just not great with money.
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#106 of 117 Old 04-30-2005, 07:06 PM
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I prefer the term 'pin money', but I do get an allowance, as I requested; I tend to be an impulsive spender, so I would kill us financially if I was given free reign with the bank card. Also I like having money in my pocket, whether I need it or not. I get $100.00 every pay period, which is just for my own discretion - bills, groceries, etc. come out of the bank account.
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#107 of 117 Old 05-01-2005, 07:06 AM
 
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I really feel for the OP. My dh ( husband) became controlling over the money to the point that he excluded me from having access to it. No matter how much we talked about money, he still had the attitude that HE WORKED/HE CONTROLLED. He felt like the house belonged to him too, and I was only living in the house because of him.

Well, this and other reasons, I locked him out of the
house one day. While I realized I would be exceedingly
poor, I knew I didn't want to live with my life partner
like that, and he didn't want to share the control of
his income. I was a sahm at the time.

Now I hope to start working soon, and for a change, I
will be in charge of the cash! If I ever have another
partner, I will make it clear from the beginning that I
want and need to be in full partnership with the money,
whether I work or stay at home.

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#108 of 117 Old 05-04-2005, 12:41 AM
 
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DH and I have set up a budget that works for us, and I do the bookkeeping. Money is a little tight, so we both get an "allowance" - and it's the same amount of money for both of us. I'm a SAHM, but he views my job just as important as his. We each get $20/month, and it can be spent on anything that we want that is not a necessity. We have separate dining out and entertainment accounts, so I ususally use my allowance for cute cloth diapers (above the pre-set diaper allowance) or Starbucks or something like that.

Becky
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#109 of 117 Old 05-09-2005, 09:31 PM
 
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I'm in charge of the money he makes. LOL so i can spend what I want when I want. Although that sounds like a good thing, it is a little stressful to do the finances alone because we're trying to save for a house, etc. I sometimes wish that I were put on a budget instead of having full control. But, in any case, I'm grateful that dh trusts my judgement and HAPPILY hands over his check each week. I guess he is just happy to be doing a job he loves and knows that I will take care of everything.
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#110 of 117 Old 05-12-2005, 07:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KiwiZ
Because unexpected expenses can blindside you, I firmly believe that both husband and wife need to sit down and review the finances together regularly and make decisions together. Its dangerous IMO to have just one person in charge of the finances and the other just blindly thinking everything is going to work out
TOTALLY agree w/ this!!

We do typically share the burden of bill-paying & budgeting.


Also we BOTH have an Allowance. although we lately havent done too well with staying under it

**(BTW... Websters defines the word as
An amount that is allowed or granted, such as money, given at regular intervals or for a specific purpose)

& I find nothing wrong with the term.
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#111 of 117 Old 05-13-2005, 10:50 AM
 
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another SAHM in control of the $ here. for anything other than the basics we discuss purchases beforehand. unless it's for me, then i just buy it. lol.
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#112 of 117 Old 05-13-2005, 12:38 PM
 
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I don't get an allowance! I'm sorry but just the word alone pushes buttons for me.

I'm an equal partner in our marriage and all of our money is jointly held. We both agree to discuss any purchases of an amount in excess of $100, but otherwise we each spend what we need to spend. We're fairly conservative with our income because there isn't much (sometimes any) discretionary funds.

My CHILD gets an allowance. The adults in our family don't.

--Kari
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#113 of 117 Old 05-17-2005, 06:38 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna
Count me as another offended by the idea of a grown person getting an allowance. Our money is OURS. Joint everything. A couple of credit cards that we each have copies of. We both have debit cards and check books. These days I pay bills and balance checkbooks because I have more time. I'm tighter with money than he is, but it is OUR money and if he wants to buy computer stuff and we need to not eat out or order pizza that month to pay for it, that's okay. Partners.

-Angela
Exactly!

I have a friend in this "allowance" situation and it hurts her a lot....I cant imagine it in that way!!!

We have talked about setting aside a budgeted amount for both of us each month...but for us it doesnt work since our mad money expenses fluctuate a lot according to our hobbies and time etc.


eta: I think I would feel a lot freer to spend money if I had a set "fun money" allowance....like I would want to spend to the limit each month, kwim?

The way it is now I am in charge of everything, so analyze every expense I plan to make, and often make up for any overages dh does like Angela above!

`Lorissa
Mama to ds 5, and a brand new Christmas Day baby 2009!
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#114 of 117 Old 05-17-2005, 07:09 AM
 
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We struggle with the best way to manage our money.

I used to get “paid” a certain amount every two weeks. That didn’t work for many reasons. Mostly, I didn’t feel like I was involved in our greater financial issues. Neither of us manage money well so this wasn’t a good thing for us.

Drawing from one account seems to work well and maybe as well as can be expected but I’m still tempted to tweak it a little.

I really feel the need to have my own private money. I’m not sure why. I’ve been considering a direct deposit into a private account for me. I have a friend who does this and says it works well.

There are just some things that I want to be able to budget for without discussing it with DH. I want some cash saved to help my mom and sisters if needed and it would just be comforting if I didn’t have to share that with the rest of our budget.

Off to read what you all do…

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#115 of 117 Old 05-17-2005, 11:47 AM
 
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We have a joint account. When we both worked, both of our checks went in there and everything came out. Now that he's the only one working *until next Friday, then he's without a job too... *, the same thing happens.

I'm the one that takes care of writing out the bills etc. He never spends more than $20 without consulting me first (not for permission, but just to make sure we have it to spare).

I don't know how the arrangement came about, when I moved in with him he did all his own bills...but that was 13 years ago and somewhere along the way I took over.
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#116 of 117 Old 05-18-2005, 02:03 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeepGreen29
I have a friend in this "allowance" situation and it hurts her a lot....I cant imagine it in that way!!!
I'd like to point out *again* that many of the people in this "allowance" situation have chosen the amount for themselves and their partners are on the same budget. It is simply another name, for many people, for fun money/whatever.

Quote:
eta: I think I would feel a lot freer to spend money if I had a set "fun money" allowance....like I would want to spend to the limit each month, kwim?
We are allowed to "save up" our allowance so I have no immediate reason to spend.

 

 

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#117 of 117 Old 05-18-2005, 07:51 PM
 
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My husband and I BOTH get an allowance -- we've done this ever since we were first married.

All of our money has always gone into a joint pot, from which all of our expenses, savings, etc. are paid/deducted. Then we each get an allowance (amount varies depending on how we're doing financially), which we can use to buy stuff for ourselves.

Examples of joint expenses:

Housing
Food
Clothes
Things for the house

Examples of stuff we would buy from our allowances:

Books
DVD's
Hobby-related expenses (video games, photography stuff, knitting stuff, etc.)
Presents for each other

Basically, we buy personal extras from our allowances.

This method has been working really well for us for the last 12 years, and I don't think it's sexist since it applies equally to both of us.

Edited to add:

We actually have three separate sets of bank accounts -- one for his allowance, one for my allowance, and one for joint money. That way, as TiredX2 was saying, we can easily choose to save up our allowances for bigger purchases. I recently bought a TiVo with mine. :-)

Sonja , 40, married to DH (42) since 5-29-93, DD born 11-3-2004, DS born 1-18-2007.
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