If any of you have read my posts on financial woes, I am sure you're not surprised to see me here..
Here's an introduction to me: my dh and I have been married 1.5 years. We have a wonderful 5 month old boy. My DH grew up lower middle class, and deprived of love, affection, toys, friends, etc. I grew up upper middle class, private school, lots of affection (from mom at least..haha), homemade dinners, homemade Halloween outfits, piano lessons, tennis lessons, the whole nine yards of over achieving parents etc.
A few years ago, I had a job on Wall Street, where I earned good money and the potential to earn more was huge. But I quit...to become an acupuncturist and herbalist (papa was not a happy man....lol). After 3.5 years of schooling, I opened my own practice p/t. It is growing slowly. I dont accept insurance so that's part of the reason.
When I met my DH, he had 3 good years of earnings behind him. He finally built up his business to where he was pullng in good money, low 6 figures. But this year, we had the baby, we opened an office space together (we are not in the same business though), and his business dropped off dramatically. now we are in the hole financially.
We pay the minimums on our cards, which to me is like stabbing myself in the chest every month (I told you I had issues!!) We have about 100 bucks cash right now. We just paid the nanny a bonus and a weeks pay in cash, and charged all our gift s to family (small gifts).
I feel so worried about money but in the last 3-4 days I have undergone something of a seismic shift in my mood. I have been trying to 'let go and let god', trust in Jesus (I am christian), and count my blessings that i do have--a beautiful son, a husband i love, our health, and i also feel strangely grateful that i could come up with all the cash i needed to to pay our nanny her bonus and salary. Weird but true (nannies are expensive in NYC, even p/t ones!)
I know somthing needs to change in our lives, financially, if we are going to be able to pay the rent on our new office space, pay our health insurance, pay our home rent, etc. But i need to be able to live my life without CONSTANTLY worrying about it. I need to be able to "put it on the shelf". Like I said, in the last few days I have been feeling strangely hopeful. Usually, when things are bad (and they've never been THIS bad), I am so depressed I can't get out of bed. I feel tired and sad and mad. But for some reason, maybe cuz thngs are SOOOO bad, I am not doing that?
TO answer some of red dirt girls' questions:
1. Have any of you internalized money as a symbol of power and freedom? Attached it to being needed for a sense of security?
YES YES YES!! I feel without money I am powerless, weak, worthless, tied down. Growing up in my house as a child, we were taught that money IS POWER. People without money were "weak-willed". My dad grew up lower middle class, and turned himself into a millionaire. He let it be known that if "he could do it, anyone could". And if you didn't make money, you were either stupid or well, stupid. And poor people were to be disdained. I worked in a soup kitchen as a teen, and when my dad found out he went ballistic. Because he thought i was heliping people who wouldn't help themselves.
2. Does the lack of it prevent you from leading the life you really want? Given our current financial situation, I find myself pre-occupied with money most of the day. Going to get groceries? don't have enough cash...should I charge it? cc bills already in the thousands. Should I take a job I hate and leave baby in childcare all day? I am trying so hard to be grateful each day to the small gifts that come our way....my grandfather sent us 500 for christms and now we will be able to pay our nanny her next pay period...I got 2 new patients this week, and I will be able to pay the minimum on my card...a local online grocer offered $50 of free food just to try their service...my father is visiting us on Monday and wants to "give us a check"....I don't mind at all being on a budget---i don't shop, I don't mind buying used clothes for DH, I don't mind not going out to dinner (although I do like it once in a while), I don't mind cleaning the house myself (we used to have a cleaner), Idon't mind watching for deals. What I do mind is being in debt. That scares me, and makes me feel worthless and crummy. It makes me feel like "how could I have gotten into this mess?" when i know that every move we made along the way this year was carefully thought out. Sometimes thigns like this just happen.
okay, very long message. i am looking fwd to this thread very very much.