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Old 08-04-2008, 07:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ~Nikki~ View Post
Perhaps the coffee hasn't quite kicked in yet, but can you clarify what you're referring to here? The fact that I keep an eye on my bank account? I added him to my account shortly before we were married. I make the bulk of our income, and his income fluctuates greatly from month to month. I think it's reasonable to keep an eye on what's coming in/what's coming out, to make sure it's all correct. We have an equal marriage. We should both have a right to track the income...no? Maybe that's not what you were getting at.
Yikes - no, I certainly wasn't getting at that! What I meant was that your scrutiny seems overzealous for a spouse in an equal marriage - and I recognize WHY it's that way. That is, if my DH had an envelope for gas (he doesn't - he too is self-employed and he has a gas card), I wouldn't think about what he spent it on. You do (and I'm not saying he hasn't earned that scrutiny and concern)...putting you in the unenviable position of being more of a parent to your spouse than you would otherwise be. All I was pointing out was that he might justifiably consider you somewhat parental. And you could point out that you have been put in that position by his choices.

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Originally Posted by ~Nikki~ View Post
For a cash envelope system to work, we both have to be commited. My only real fear is that his disorganization will cause that system to fail. That's what I was talking about when I said I was concerned he'd use the "gas envelope" money for other things. When he goes to the gas station, he usually picks up cigarettes, gum, and sometimes snacks for himself. It'd be too easy for him to tap into the money that was budgeted for gas without even thinking about it, when he reached into the "gas envelope" and paid for the whole purchase with a $20 (or a $50, with the price of gas these days. ).
I totally understand that. For me it's easier to keep track of receipts with the envelope system because the receipt goes into the envelope after I pay. It's all there together. Hopefully, your husband would find that as well - that it's easier to keep track of receipts if he already has an envelope in his hand. Do you think he may be "losing" the receipts because he doesn't want you to see what all he purchased?

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Originally Posted by ~Nikki~ View Post
And his job requires him to drive. If he ran out of gas money one month, I couldn't just "teach him a lesson" and let him suffer without gas money, because then we'd be suffering without his income.
Bummer. In rereading your post (not the original but the follow up to which I replied) something hit me about his mother micromanaging, his lying, and his defensiveness with you. It occurs to me that the lying-about-money thing was probably something he learned as a child...and it will be hard for him to break. For example, my ex husband was not a nice person. My now-husband is an incredible person. It took a LOOOOOOOOONG time for me to undo the conditioning (in a number of areas) from 12 years of being married to a turkey. There were many times in our first year of marriage that I responded unreasonably to something my husband did or said - and he would say, "I'm not HIM." Your husband might need your help in reconditioning him with regard to lying about money. He spent at least 18 years learning a behavior with regard to money...and he may need to see that you won't hit the roof when he misspends money for him to see that it's safe to tell you that he mis/overspent. ('m not sure if that made any sense without using specific examples.)

Good luck - and how did your talk go?

Mrs. S - Crunchy child of The King, Wife to my best friend, and Mama to my many blessings.

 
 
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Old 08-04-2008, 07:37 PM
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I would start paying bills with money orders, that way they cant bounce....
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Most places sell them for between 25 cents and $1. Well worth it to not be humiliated and have your rental history trashed for lack of $10 to cover rent.
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Old 08-05-2008, 02:55 PM
 
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There is a mama here that has a wonderful post/blog about going cash only and doing away with the bank-- the fees can just eat away at your income.

Her name is tangled hill or tangle foot?

I'll see if I can find the post-- It was quite informative.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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Old 08-05-2008, 03:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yikes - no, I certainly wasn't getting at that! What I meant was that your scrutiny seems overzealous for a spouse in an equal marriage - and I recognize WHY it's that way. That is, if my DH had an envelope for gas (he doesn't - he too is self-employed and he has a gas card), I wouldn't think about what he spent it on. You do (and I'm not saying he hasn't earned that scrutiny and concern)...putting you in the unenviable position of being more of a parent to your spouse than you would otherwise be. All I was pointing out was that he might justifiably consider you somewhat parental. And you could point out that you have been put in that position by his choices.

Good luck - and how did your talk go?
Thanks for the clarification. While I never used to scrutinize his purchases, you're correct in that it has unfortunately come to that point out of necessity. When he spends $400 in one go, and it bounces a rent check, that's a problem that needs to be looked at. When there's a history of it happening repeatedly, that's when I feel it necessary to step in and say "Hey now, lets not be stupid with our money." Parental? I don't know about that. It's my name and my credit that's being dragged through the mud as well, anytime he screws up like this. So I do think that I have a right to take action.

He agrees that there's a problem. And it's certainly not one-sided. Like I said, my problem is that I try and remain ignorant of the whole thing, so I don't have a reason to get upset/stressed/angry/etc. So we're both working on that.

The talk went well. I presented a few ideas, and he countered with a couple of his own. I proposed the allowance idea, and he's willing to try it. But pointed out that it won't work if we have an abundance of money sitting in the account, tempting him. So his idea was to move all of our money into a savings account (we only have a checking account right now, for some reason). Both are linked to the same account. But the difference with the savings is that it can't be accessed with the bank cards at all. So we'll have to consciously move the money into checking when we have a bill coming out. We'll pull out cash allowance each week, and I'll load his credit card with gas money (he says he'll make more of an effort to keep receipts).

I'll be taking over the bill payments. Anytime a bill comes in, it'll go on my desk and I'll either pay it immediately, or record it on our payment schedule which is pasted in plain view beside my desk, so we're constantly reminded of what's coming up. I'd like to get to a point where they can all be paid immediately, but that may not be realistic for another few months.

We'll try out this system for a few months to see if there are many flaws with it.

Thanks again for all of the ideas. If you have anymore, or see some great flaw with this new system, feel free to pipe up!
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Old 08-06-2008, 11:03 PM
 
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The talk went well. I presented a few ideas, and he countered with a couple of his own. I proposed the allowance idea, and he's willing to try it. But pointed out that it won't work if we have an abundance of money sitting in the account, tempting him. So his idea was to move all of our money into a savings account (we only have a checking account right now, for some reason). Both are linked to the same account. But the difference with the savings is that it can't be accessed with the bank cards at all. So we'll have to consciously move the money into checking when we have a bill coming out. We'll pull out cash allowance each week, and I'll load his credit card with gas money (he says he'll make more of an effort to keep receipts).
Sounds like the 2 of you have some good ideas! Good luck!

Mrs. S - Crunchy child of The King, Wife to my best friend, and Mama to my many blessings.

 
 
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Old 08-07-2008, 12:35 AM
 
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At the very least, can you set up a business checking account or credit card? That way, you can at least go through the statement each month and see what/where he spent X amount of money on and he won't have to worry about receipts.

Try to get your own account set up, and have all the money in there for bills, ect. You can leave all the extra money in your joint account.
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