So I called my friend and asked if she wanted to get together and she said that she wanted to go out for lunch. I politely declined and stated that I just can't afford it right now. She offered to treat and insisted because she wanted the company- I finally gave in. So we had a nice time and at the end of lunch we were wrapping things up and I said that I am trying really hard to not stress too much about our financial situation, that things always work out. She told me that I can't think like that and that I need to get another job!
I just feel like such a loser because here I am too broke to pay for my family to eat so she pays and then tells me that I need to get a second job to be able to have more $. I understand that she couldn't live on tight budget like I am but I'm doing the best I can. I'm ok with not being able to eat out or have expensive things and vacations, I wish it weren't the case but it is what it is.
For those of you on so-spend budgets how do you deal with awkward social financial situations? I'm definitely not letting anyone treat again- it feels too weird.
Now that we're a little better off I don't care how much people make, if it's way more or less. But I try to be sensitive to other people's situation. I understand treating if you just want to spend time with that person. It's tough.
As far as social awkardness, we will see this happen more and more with everyone putting their extra spending money to filling up their gas tank or their money to fill up the gas tank. Or as people loose their jobs, etc.
I have made playdates, or times to get together either early like 9 or 10am or later after lunch to avoid this. I have also told people we are cutting back on eating out. Which is really funny because we dont eat out that much anyhow! I have also been loosing weight and use that as an excuse- the lunch out is too temping at that place- I might want to order their awesome fries etc. Most people respond they understand because its obvious I have lost weight and say, I am this far and almost at my goal so I will sit out lunch. I also use this as an excuse for driving. I walk everywhere to not use the car and say- hey my weight loss is from the exercise so I stick to places nearby to bike or walk.
Other than that, use a goal situation as an excuse:
We are trying to stay out debt now that we are out of it
We are saving for a down payment and almost there
I am avoiding eating out because of my weight loss plan
We are challenging ourselves to not eat out, drive long distances etc to see if we really can do it. So if we can get together doing this instead it would be great. A real friend would understand and not take it further.
I hear you.
My best friends all have so much more money than us. (like millions)
Here is what I do.... I make lots of treats and bring them with us when we all meet at the winter ski house. (can you say second home that I could fit my primary residence in twice?) My husband does minor jobs for them (keeping their boat running) and refuses payment of cash... instead they take us to dinner at the mountain when we all go up in the winter.
This is what I have found it comes down to... they like us, they want our company. We like them, we like their company, so we all just make due.
When one of the couples goes out of town for major trips... we take care of their estate... feed and love on the horses and the like.
When we get together as a group when not skiing or out on the lake... we do pot luck dinners. That way it is less uncomfortable.
Don't feel bad. You've done nothing wrong.
Good manners is all about making other people feel comfortable. It would seem your friend needs to brush up on hers.
Laurie, wife to DH (Aug/04), mom toDS1 (Nov/05) and DS2 (June/12).
I've been declining lunches, girls nights out, etc lately too and I just say "we're on a mission to get out of debt completely so we're trying not to spend any money right now". For the most part people understand. When we go to playdates we bring drinks and snacks. We head home for lunch. We take advantage of the free things. Most of our friends are also SAHMs so they get it. My WOHM sister and mom are the two who always try to yank me off the wagon.
Re: social situations and money- I'm usually up front with my friends and tell them that we're trying to cut back on eating out. When someone suggests eating out for lunch I often suggest a picnic lunch. This summer I've been going out for lunch with friends about twice a week- but I almost always bring my lunch with me.
I'm an unintentional weasel feeder and I suck at proofreading.
Well frankly, I think your friend was rude. I don't think it's her place to tell you what to do. .
Depends on how close you are to someone. I would expect that a close friend of mine would certainly tell me that I need to get another job if I was always struggling.
Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012) Married to awesome SAH DH.
Ill agree that your freind was rude in telling you to get a second job. No matter how close I was to someone I wouldn't say anything like that unless they asked my opinion.. Even then I might try to help them brainstorm ways to get income without a second job (like when I was back in Florida visiting inlaws one of the family friends was having money problems so I helped her think of ways to do things at home to bring in money).
This way we get to socialize, but don't have the expense of going out to eat.
We will also host bigger potluck parties about twice a year. We supply a main dish and soda/water and everyone else brings a dish to pass. This allows us to invite all of our friends over for a big gathering without breaking the budget.
I know I'd be uncomfortable going out to eat and having a friend pay and then having to listen to a lecture about how I need to earn more money. I'm so sorry you had to go through that!
You and your DH just need to figure out what works for you and ignore everyone else. Trust your instincts! I've been in similar situations and I don't regret not getting a full-time or second job and maximizing my time at home. They're only young for a short time.
As for me, when I'm invited to do things I just can't afford, I lie. I make up excuses for why I can't go and just make sure I offer them with authority so they aren't questioned. I also offer alternatives ... "I can't make lunch but do you want to come over for tea? I'll make homemade cookies ...." Then we can still spend time together but with a financial outlay I can handle. DH and I also made the agreement that if all else fails, he and I are free to blame the other when we make excuses to our friends.
|I just feel like such a loser because here I am too broke to pay for my family to eat so she pays and then tells me that I need to get a second job to be able to have more $.|
So your friend bought, and you realized you don't like that feeling. Lesson learned. I agree that your friend was rude about it, but moreso, I think she was just plain wrong about the point of it. Being financially strapped has taught me more about life than anything else could have. My priorities stand out. My values are put to the test. Things become clear. Ok, yeah, it sucks too sometimes. But I don't take much for granted either.
You're not a loser.
If that happened to me, I wouldn't stress too much about it. She only said it at the end of your conversation, so it's not like she's there to ruin your day.
I am so poor that I am used to that comment. I've heard worse ones...