so do i betray DH and throw it all out? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 22 Old 11-18-2010, 04:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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we are talking straight up JUNK!!!! freaking everywhere we just moved into a wayyy smaller place and have a whole bedroom full of junk!!

 

DH is convinced its great stuff we can sell or keep for our kids or give to this person or that....but it never goes anywhere im going NUTS!!

 

i wanted to get rid of it all before we moved but we were going to do a yard sale and we didnt have enough time...where we live now is very secluded and no one would come for a yard sale. i feel like ebay is a PIA..

 

so i said maybe we could do it at DH's moms house but he doesnt want to ask her...

 

so WWYD...betray DH and throw it all out? i feel wasteful doing that...


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#2 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 09:32 AM
 
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hug.gif you sound like you are at the end of your rope!

 

nak

 

have you told dh that you are just going to throw all that stuff away because it's making you..........crazy? stressed and not able to mother your children? angry and not able to take him seriously/be a patient wife?

 

honestly, i have and would throw out junk, but i usually say "babe, we've had this x amount of time, it's not being put to use, it's driving me mental. can you do something with it right now or should i jut throw it away/give to goodwill?" he'll usually tell me to toss/donate it.


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#3 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 09:41 AM
 
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I think you answered your own question in your phrasing, lol! No, you should not betray your dh. :)

 

You guys have to find a solution that works for *both* of you - that means you too. You shouldn't have to just put up with mounds of crap, but don't do something behind his back. That's just hurtful and something an adult would do to a child. Could you guys make a phased 'game plan'? Like, get an outdoor shed (if you're rural) for X  stuff, and fill the car with one load for the Goodwill. Or agree to sell 5 items and donate 5 (a receipt for a tax deduction might make him feel better about not selling it?) I also find ebay a PITA.

 

Hope you find a solution you both like. Sounds like setting aside a weekend to make a "stuff" plan - and to act on it! - would help a lot. We've done this with clutter, because it doesn't just magically go away in day-to-day life.

 

good luck!


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#4 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 09:43 AM
 
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I wouldn't go behind his back but I would feel free to push this issue.

 

"OK, you want to give this to so-and-so? Can you go ahead and do that by the end of the year? If it's not gone by then I'll freecycle it and make some more space."

 

"You want to sell it? Sounds great. I'll put it in the sell pile, and freecycle it if you're not able to sell it by end of year."

 

I know that's not a bandaid for everything, but keeping the pressure on is better, imho, than either just seething or tossing it out against his wishes.

 

I'm fine with throwing out a spouse's stuff while cleaning/decluttering if you have reason to believe that they don't want it anymore or they don't care. I don't think everything needs explicit permission. But when a spouse says they want to keep something, I don't feel ok throwing it out behind their back. Pressuring them to do it, or telling them I will if they don't do something with it is ok with me, though.


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#5 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 10:21 AM
 
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I am in much the same place--trying to declutter and DH insisting that he'll sell/give away/sort through it all with no actual action.  I put up with it for years, in this house mainly because we don't have a very good space set up for him to put just *his* stuff in.  However, now that our baby is getting old enough that he will soon need his own room, THE STUFF MUST GO.

 

I have started doing much as other posters have suggested: asking him what he wants to do and then labelling individual items or boxes with his response so he can see what he's supposed to deal with and adding an expiration date, ie when I'm allowed to toss it or donate it if it's something I can possibly conceive of someone else wanting.

 

However, I have started making some executive decisions...if it really is junk that he never uses and has never professed an attachment to, I'll just get rid of it.  I don't consider it betraying him, since he knows I am cleaning out the space for our son, and he's free to step in.

 

Good luck!


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#6 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 10:57 AM
 
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Nope.  I'd be livid if dh got rid of something I wanted to keep just because he didn't want it.  But my dh's much the same way.  So he has his own closet that makes me insane so I don't look in it.  All of his random hunting and hobby stuff is in boxes in the storage room.  He's happy because it's still there (and easy to find and get to) and I'm happy I don't have to look at it.

 

I'd see if the two of you could go through it and find a place to store everything if he really has to keep it.

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#7 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 11:13 AM
 
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I agree that it is not "betraying" your husband.  If you intend to keep a clean and organized home, you will often have to declutter other people's stuff.

 

Definitely let him know that you will be going through the room and donating unused & unnecessary items. Ask him if there is anything particularly sentimental that you should watch out for as you go through the boxes. 

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#8 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 11:41 AM
 
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What helped for me and Dh was to designate a specific amount of space for stuff like that. When it was full (we used three bins) we emptied them and redecided with things that were more important.

 

As someone who can be very attached to items I wouldn't go behind his back...Although maybe if you can get him to watch the show Hoarders that could help, that show always makes me want to clean. orngbiggrin.gif

 

We really don't have that much extra stuff, but our garage is full with things we agree we need for future house (like my girl bedroom set from my childhood, which doesn't work for my DS)


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#9 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 12:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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if it were a closet i would not care its an entire bedroom filled with boxes on top of boxes of the stuff that was in our attic for 2 years that he never touched in those 2 said years!

 

i think the deadline thing will work ok although i dont think he will follow through with any of it and in the end it will be either freecycled or thrown out. he holds onto everything...seriously...old magazines, toys, broken cologne bottles, lighters that dont work...JUNK


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#10 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 12:24 PM
 
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Oh, I don't think he'll follow through either. I just think the deadline will make it reasonable. Fair. If he agrees to it and doesn't do anything, then he doesn't really have anything to complain about. And pick a deadline that is reasonable, or he will tell you there was no way he could deal with everything in 3 days - which is true. That's why I thought "by the end of the year" sounded ok.

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#11 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 03:02 PM
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this one is a crayfish special.

 

thing about hoarders (or keepers or pack rats) is that you, theperson who doesn't want crap, seems like the bad guy. but the real "bad guy" in this situation is the person doing nothing, and allowing you to go crazy. 

 

in a sense, your husband is actually betraying you. 

 

now, here would be my process:

 

"Dh, this crap is making me crazy, and for my sanity, we cannot hold onto it. In 1 month (or whatever timeline), i want it gone. If you think that X would like it, give it to X. If you want to sell it, sell it. If you want to keep it for the kids, then pack it in a box, clearly label it, and we'll get a storage room/put it in the attic/whatever. But if it's not all done in 1 month, then i am taking it to the donation/trash, and that is that. It must go."

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#12 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 03:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sosurreal09 View Post

if it were a closet i would not care its an entire bedroom filled with boxes on top of boxes of the stuff that was in our attic for 2 years that he never touched in those 2 said years!

 

i think the deadline thing will work ok although i dont think he will follow through with any of it and in the end it will be either freecycled or thrown out. he holds onto everything...seriously...old magazines, toys, broken cologne bottles, lighters that dont work...JUNK


I hear ya, sister. My DH has taken toys from the church nursery (5 years ago) and brought them home to fix. Like we don't have enough broken toys in our house already that aren't going to get fixed? Now we're importing someone else' broken toys? and some of it them are just crappy toys that broke and should be thrown out. DONE! Over. broken. poor quality!  I have the same problem in my now 8 month old son's room. No advice, but a lot of sympathy.
 


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#13 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 05:07 PM
 
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take it to the goodwill. Then you won't feel guilty about 'throwing it out' :p

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#14 of 22 Old 11-19-2010, 06:20 PM
 
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Start with the easiest stuff. Try to find a person with a "need" for that. "Can I take your old hunting mags to the local veteran's home for them to read?"

 

or something.

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#15 of 22 Old 11-20-2010, 01:26 PM
 
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We just moved into a smaller place, today in fact.  I have been decluttering and pressuring DH to do the same for over 3 months.  I 'gave' him more that his fair share of storage space for his stuff - books, records, DVDs, CD's, old magazines, old electronics, random junk, etc.  Then I radically pared my stuff down.  I have been seriously annoyed that he has not done his fair share of getting rid of stuff and has not done his fair share of the moving/packing.  He has had far more time than I to go through his stuff!  BUT, I know he really isn't able to SEE that he has far too much stuff until he literally has to see it all.  So tonight, I am on the internet because I have nothing left to unpack and organise and he is waist high in boxes of stuff wondering where it is all going to go.  It has taken ages, but he's finally realised that he has to make hard choices and get rid of stuff.  I know it will take him longer than it would me (he will want to list everything on Amazon/ebay to see if he can sell before he will donate) but at least he is doing it!

 

So I am wondering if your DH may have a similar issue - is he unable to see the urgency until your DS needs the room?  If not, would setting a date for moving DS into the room be helpful?

 

I also second agreeing on deadlines and then you get to do what you want.  DH is a serious procrastinator and I have started giving deadlines or there will literally be piles of stuff on the floor for YEARS.  He'll grumble when I get rid, but can't get mad as he didn't hold up his end. 

 

On the other hand, if it is seriously driving you nuts, you could just get rid and bear the wrath.  If your DH gets over stuff like that I would go that route.  My DH would hold a grudge and I would never hear the end, so not worth it for me.

 

Good luck anyway!  I feel your pain!

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#16 of 22 Old 11-21-2010, 09:11 AM
 
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Having grown up with a hoarder, I have less empathy than most about the crap that gets kept around. But then, I realize that's not a very charitable attitude. I like the deadline idea and helping him by making labelled boxs: "trash," "donate," "sell" and maybe a really tiny "keep" boxes ;)  Good luck!


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#17 of 22 Old 11-21-2010, 04:38 PM
 
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I agree with the deadline idea.  That space is just as much yours as his.  It's not behind his back and he has the opportunity to take control of any items he has there.  Good luck!


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#18 of 22 Old 11-26-2010, 12:37 PM
 
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I think that the deadline is the fair way to do it, but to be honest I would just toss it all.  I have no patience for that crap.  I grew up with a hoarder and it was hell.

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#19 of 22 Old 12-05-2010, 02:06 PM
 
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My DH has a sentimental attachment to everything.  Our spare room is loaded with VHS tapes, games, toys etc from his childhood.  We don't have a lot of extra storage space in our house so this is creating a problem now that we are going to have a child.  That "spare" room will eventually be the child's room and he just can't seem to part with his stuff.  As it turns out he has a whole shed full at his mom's house that she is begging us to clean out. 

We are creating a space in the attic but I just don't want to pull it all from the closet to the attic.  I need to find a way to get him to de-sensitize to some of it and let it go. 

 

These are all good suggestions....hopefully I can get them to work!


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#20 of 22 Old 01-06-2011, 06:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OF COURSE he hasn't done a dang thing with any of it so guess what? I am calling big brother big sister and having them take everything of value and pitching the actual junk they cant sell! oh well DH you had months!


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#21 of 22 Old 01-06-2011, 06:21 AM
 
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Yup, now you're in the clear.


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#22 of 22 Old 01-06-2011, 07:20 AM
 
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I agree with the deadline.  I am going to start doing that with DH: If you don't go through the stuff on this shelf and either put it where it goes or give it away, I am going to find a home for it by Feb 1. (or whatever).  He works alot and the last thing he wants to do is go through stuff, but I have HAD IT!  He won't let me touch it and neither will he.

 

For the record, my mom just told me my stepfather is holding onto a circa 1984 commodore 64 that doesn't work "in case it is worth money someday".  I think alot of people do it.  Not that it makes it any easier for us!


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