Yesterday, my STBX called and asked if the kids wanted to have dinner with him - he was making a yummy dish they like. They all said yes, and I planned to take them over to the house at 6.
He called at 4:30 and asked (stated really) if he could being the dish over to my house and have dinner here, as he doesn't have enough clear space anywhere to serve 4 people. Not wanting to disappoint the kids, or deny them time with their dad, I agreed.
I know I did not need to agree, but we have not reached any sort of financial settlement or custody/visitation agreement, and he can turn vicious if he feels thwarted, so I am trying to play nice for the kids sake.
So he came over with the meal in hand and used my kitchen to serve up his meal, because his own (in the house we both own, but he has made intolerable to live in) so covered in crap he can't even serve a meal to his kids. You would think this would be a wake up call, but it won't be. He has all kinds of reasons why this stuff is valuable, and excuses about how he will never have the time to manage it all.
Even the fact that my oldest refuses to go over there unless there is no choice (like me going out of town, although the last time I had to go on a business trip, I actually flew my mom in from 3000 miles away to stay with my kids, so they would not have to live in that pig sty, be late to school because he can't get them to the bus on time, miss sports practices because he "forgot", etc) - you would think that would bother him enough to clear up a bit. But it is just getting worse. When I left, there were at least clear areas in most rooms and the hallways were clear to walk in. Now the hallways are getting blocked, and you can't even see the floors in the dining room.living room, playroom and his bedroom (except the pathway to the bathroom). It has turned from icky to truly scary.
Sorry to run on, but it helps to vent this sometimes. I am so very glad that I found the courage to leave, but I feel as if I will never truly escape his madness because of the kids.
Well, first of all kudos on being a mature adult and allowing him and the children to spend time together :) I bet that can be hard and awkward, but like you said, the kids and him deserve to see each other.
Perhaps he's depressed? It sounds like he has a lot on his plate between being a father, losing his wife, etc. maybe he's just overwhelmed and doesn't know how to work around it. If you're still on good terms, maybe try to bring it up as gently as possible? It isn't fair to him or the kids to have to live in that condition at ALL.
Wife to DH (12.10.2009), Anchorage based doula , Proud mama to Autumn (09.03.2008), Sylas (04.25.2010), (06.11.2012), Calliope(04.23.2013) .
I just wanted to say, good for you for getting your kids out of the hoard. So very many spouses of hoarders don't do that - so many of them enable the hoarder rather than protecting the kids. So I just wanted to chime in to say that maddening as it is, you're doing a great thing.