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How to get my children to keep their bedroom clean?

1K views 10 replies 7 participants last post by  rabbithorns 
#1 ·
I have four children. The boys are in a room sharing a wide closet and the girls are in a room sharing a wide closet with enough room for everyone. One of the two bunk beds sits on the floor but the other one is up on legs so there is room for a few inches high of whatever my sons shove under their bed.

I've repeatedly told them not to put books, clothes, and trash under their bed, and they still clutter it up.

I've repeatedly told them to stop leaving their dirty clothes on the floor, but the next morning I still have to tell them to pick them up and put them in the hamper.

I've repeatedly told my five-year-old son to stop taking clean clothes off the hangers and leaving them places (leave it hung up until you're going to wear it), but just this morning he did it again, for at least the third or fourth time, so I had to hang them all back up again.

I even put a small bookshelf in there to discourage leaving books on the floor but there are still books under the bed, scattered over the floor, and even right next to the bookshelf. Can you say lazy?

I tell them almost every morning to put the pillows and blankets back on their beds and make their beds.

Needless to say, I am fed up! Am I being reasonable to have these basic standards (clothes in dresser or hung up when clean, in hamper when dirty; books on bookshelf; blankets on beds; pillowcases left on pillows) for children ages 4-9? It's my thinking that this is a good time to get them in the habit of not only cleaning up after themselves, but also leaving it clean (imagine that). Whatever I'm doing, though, it's not working, at least not yet.

About three weeks ago they slept over at their grandparents' house and I went in there and cleaned everything out from under my sons' bed. I made all the beds, put at least two or three blankets on all four beds, hung up all the clothes, washed three loads full of the clothes that were on the floor, put the books on the bookshelf, brought toys back to the playroom, and threw away the trash. They thanked me when they came home.

This morning we were back to square one: they were ungrateful, they talked back, they sat there and watched while I hung up their clothes and picked up hangers. I don't plan on doing that big clean very often like I did a few weeks ago, mainly before company comes and stays the night. I want my children to know that it's their job to keep their rooms clean and clean up whatever messes they make.

Please constructively let me know what works for you and help me back up from the end of my rope. I will not admit defeat and let them be slobs and grow up to live like this.
 
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#2 ·
well, what i would do may not make any sense, but...
for the under-the-bed issue, i would put plastic in under there for stuff. then, once they're full, there's no room under the beds for other stuff.
for the hamper, here's my suggestion- if you have a central laundry place... the place all the small hampers get emptied into before they go into the washing machine, i would take away the hampers. this may not work, it depends on how mess sensitive they are, but maybe if they have to either carry their dirty clothes all the way to the central hamper, or live in mess, than maybe they will miss their hampers, and, when they get them back, use them more. or, my other suggestion, is, if they're old enough, then get them to do their own laundry unless they put their clothes in their hamper. clothes left on the floor, whether dirty or clean when first dropped, become dirty on the floor, creating extra work for whomever does the laundry.
or, just stop cleaning the rooms. the 4 year old is old enough for only minimal cleaning though, IMO. but with older sibs helping out, then the rooms are only for them to clean. ignore them. don't go in, if it's to messy for you. don't collect laundry, don't do anything but kiss them goodnight etc and, if necessary, wake them up in the morning.
like i said, this is totally IMO.
 
#3 ·
How old are they? In my experience 5 or 6 is too young to keep up with stuff like that without direction from a parent or older sib. The way I usually do it is clean myself while I give them very specific tasks to help "put these books on the shelf...now take this shirt to the hamper..." After a few years it finally "takes"! ;)
 
#4 ·
Well, I totally get it. Messiness is probably the biggest things about my kids that makes me crazy.


That said, you can't really "make" anyone do anything.


Steven Covey has a great story about his 7 yo son starting on page 174 (in my edition) of "The Seven Habits....". In a family meeting they listed all the chores and who would be doing what. That helped it be obvious that Mom and Dad were doing their share and should be helped. Said son volunteered for the yard. He spent 2 weeks training him for the job before he gave it to him. He gave him discretion and ownership and called it stewardship. The son was the boss and the judge and their agreement was that twice a week they would walk through together so the son could show the dad how it was going. Dad was willing to help (do what the son asked for) if he had time. After the 2 weeks of training, it became his job. And then he did nothing before the 1st walk-through... Son was upset because he knew he had been trusted, but they both stuck to the agreement and dad helped and they started over and it worked out for the rest of the summer. No shame, no blame, no "consequences", just trust and training.


I'm hoping to try something similar with the rooms. I'll admit, it makes me nervous.


I think a big key is giving them ownership, involving them in the process. I also plan on making little changes to make their room easier for them. Right now they have a shared hamper in a closet just outside the door. Having a hamper in their own closet will be a little easier. With their help, I want to make sure everything has a place. They will love using a Sharpie to write the label themselves. We'll talk (again) about what constitutes clean and why it should be that way (safety, convenience, ...etc). Also, I find here that we have sibling issues with cleaning a shared room. I don't know how to solve those, but I do understand that it can be a frustration for them.


I'm looking forward to seeing the other responses.
 
#5 · (Edited)
well, am not sure i'm the best person to give advice (DD1 and DD2 's room is a disaster area right now) but DS seemed able to learn A BIT.
i would try separating goals more clearly, so that it's not so disenheartening when struggling
and "not there yet" ...
in our household, kids get washed in the evening, so we only have one hanging hamper in the bathroom and all clothing go in there (i don't separate white and colors) since most of the time kids get undressed in the bathroom (tip from an organisational book = container no more than a few steps away from where needed to help stuff ending in it, not besides it ...). That said, this is still a struggle with our youngest.
so separating different categories would make it appear less daunting
- clothes
- books
- toys

in this thread
http://www.mothering.com/forum/315-organize-declutter/1353676-using-kanban-organize-tasks.html
i posted on post 9 the "visual cues" my eldest drew
at the time it really helped us with getting ready in the morning and leaving on time ...
I have 3 kids, so each kid got to choose a color, + each card has a small adhesive magnet at the back
i scotched taped a piece of knitting wool vertically on the fridge
left of it is for un done tasks, the card gets moved to the right when the task is completed

a few years later, i had made a large list which my sister gently "criticised" for being too overwhelming for children so i ended up separating expectations in 3 sheets of paper ("me", "school", "picking up"), with 3 lines only on each piece of paper (i warned the eldest that if she wouldn't cooperate more, it would be scotch taped on the inside of the front door, for her friends to see when visiting ... then they got put inside of a closet door ...)

also .. when i'm fed up (but then my kids are now a bit older than yours ...) i tell the kids that i'm not feeding them/ starting dinner until they each have put in 15 min work right now helping me pick stuff from floor, vaccum, put away laundry or whatever most pressing needs doing ..... that's when i'm quite desperate ...

there was a lady 5 years back who used to post about "creating rythm" in the day, i belive it has to do with the Montessorri way of teaching .... so that putting away stuff and tidying up are part of the routine of "playing", i always admired this idea ... wish i had been able to implement it myself ... not been very successful though ...

i tried getting my children into helping me clean the toilet bowl a few years back when i was seriously ill ... but it didn't work ... have been toying with another idea since Jan 1st ... assign a day each (Mon, Wedn, Fri) and actually get each child to squirt product in the bowl, run the brush, spray lemon peel infused white vinegar all over then give a wipe with 2 pieces of paper towel, then trow way the paper towels .... but then with me in attendance FOR a whole year (hoping that the habit will stick for a lifetime THEN ...). I know they are going to moan about me being behind their back, .... but i think it might work to achieve my goal ... and am hoping i'm not going to give up because of their attitude ... if i can keep in mind that i have a long term goal behind it all ....
we'll see if i can get it going this coming Monday ..
 
#6 ·
Do they get screen time? Desserts? Other things that motivate?

What has worked for me is the first ___, then ____ method. For example dd doesn't watch a show until her room is clean. The first few times I was with her showing her and helping her. I started inisting on a tidy room probably when she was around 5. Before then we made it an activity that we would do together (showing her some organizing habits). Then after a while she was figuring it out on her own and taking pride in some of her systems. Giving her lots of shelves and little colourful storage bins, etc. helps. She still needs a nudge sometimes....and on those days I will spend a few minutes doing it with her. Sometimes I get grumpy about it...but try to be more positive than negative (e.g. letting her know how useful it is to be able to find stuff because it's in its place, etc. focussing on practical reasons to keep things tidy and organized). Sometimes it is chaos too. All part of it....
 
#7 ·
What usually happens (ideally anyway) is I go in there when I'm done showering and praying first thing in the morning and direct them. They pick up their dirty clothes and take them to the hamper, take books back to the bookshelf, make their beds, and pick up a few other things on the floor (mostly papers). I do separate it into mainly books, clothes, and beds. When it is acceptable (walkway to the door from the beds, clothes off the floor or at least in the closets, books on the bookshelf, blankets back on the beds) we go upstairs, pray morning prayers, and eat breakfast together. So I don't necessarily not feed them until it's clean, because it's only been "perfect" once or twice if at all and one of those times was when I cleaned it when they were gone, but there is a (somewhat low) standard I hold them to for safety and teaching purposes that they need to do before they eat breakfast most days. It seems to be easier for my sons (ages 5 and 7) to obey more readily than my daughters...the 5-year-old is a big helper often and the 7-year-old is at his best when he has something to do as long as he isn't complaining about it. My 4-year-old daughter sometimes stares at me or doesn't even look at me, pretends not to hear me, when I tell her to do something. Her 9-year-old sister likes to stay on her bed as long as possible, either reading or just waking up.

Thanks for understanding, llwr,

Yes, stormborn, when I'm in there with them, up to the point of getting fed up and tired of directing them, I do give them specific things to do. "Pick up that skirt and take it to the hamper." "Pick up those books and take them to the bookshelf." "Make your bed." "Pick up those papers." "Pick up those hangers."

crunchymama2, the oldest is almost old enough to do her own laundry. I'm not willing to take the hamper out, but thanks for the ideas.

IsaFrench, at least three of my children have "helped" me clean toilets before. The 4- and 5-year-olds enjoy it at least once a month. I spray, and give them the brush and stand there and watch, and I finish when they're satisfied.

alpenglow, no we don't do screen time. Our TV was a gift and is almost never used. Movies watched on a computer are extremely rare. The most TV they get is at my husband's parents' house when they're babysitting or having a sleepover. Desserts are "paid for" with "bitcoins" they earn by doing chores, except for yard work which I reward with fruit bars (like granola bars) and, in cold weather, hot chocolate.

Thanks everyone :)
 
#8 ·
... i used to search the internet for "the" solution to that problem, picking up ideas here and there and everywhere .... now i understand how variable each situation is depending on personalities as well as age of the children & the chemistry ( ...or not !!!) between each parent's own upbringing and life goals ....

good luck with making up a way that works for you and your family !
 
#9 ·
so ... how are things progressing for you so far ?

= am so surprised that it went so smoothly for my new toilet cleaning routine "with mom in attendance" ... i was expecting the children to resist much more .... it sort of turned out in a "non event" in fact so i hope i'll manage to keep at it for the whole of 2015 !!!!! it does take about 2 minutes once a week for each ... now, i'll have to think of something else i can ask of them in a few months, to slowly add up more responsibilities ...
 
#10 ·
I'm not surprised that it went well when you asked your children to clean toilets with you. My 4-and 5-year-old son and daughter enjoy it; they are at the age when they are happy to help and sometimes they want to do somethings that I say no to because I'd like to wait until they're older.

It's not as clean as when I did it by myself, but there is a walkway in there from doors to beds and from beds to closets. The spot to work on this weekend is my daughters' closet. Earlier with the son and daughter I mentioned we folded blankets and put them all on their four beds, and put some of the clean clothes on the floor back into dressers and hung up others, and put dirty clothes in the hamper. So right now, it's functional, even pretty good. Thanks for asking :)
 
#11 ·
I turned my children's room into a small kindergarten - doll house area (a small 2 shelf homemade thing), a rug in the center for play, their clothes hung up in the closet and underneath that, shelves with plastic shoeboxes for blocks, little people, puzzles, etc.

Then I helped them sort toys after play for several days in a row, teaching them that before they take out a whole new bunch of toys to clean up the others first. So blocks and little animals and cars and little people could all be out, but then we had to sort them into their shoeboxes and return them to the closet before a board game could come out, for example.

Then I let them play alone one morning and about an hour later gave them a 15 minute warning before snack. "Time to sort the toys and put them away. We'll have a snack and then we're going to the park."

"Time to" is a great parental cop out. Time for bed. Time for lunch. Hey, it's not my rule, don't whine at me about it, it's just time to do it. Not my rules, it's just time..... LOL

Then after 5 minutes I checked on them and if they needed help, I helped them. Not "did all the work" but directed them.

I did that kind of training for a few more days until they could do it themselves.

Bottom line? I had one resistant child among the very compliant. That child had everything thrown out. Literally. In the garbage. That solved it. Clothes, toys, drawings, whatever she left out. Only needed to do it twice.

And if they have attitude, they can help me with the housework - REAL work - instead of getting their hour of TV time with the others. That solved that one. That and the threat of sending them to live with their grandmother - a horror of a woman.

Anyway, strict consequences I WOULD follow through on on top of clear rules that I made easy to follow with simple organization made all the difference. Good luck! Remember, YOU are the adult in charge.
 
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