Has anyone ever tossed something of dh's without asking? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 04:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I did yesterday. Our storage closet is so full I can't get in there to get the vacuum, so I decided to go through it. I tossed a jumble of electrical cords, a Sierra Club backpack, and some empty cassette cases.

Dh has not used these things in the years we've been together, so I felt he would never miss them if I threw them out. Basically, the whole closet is full of things he never uses and never looks at, but just hangs onto.

He has several boxes full of old papers he has written for classes. They are starting to smell bad. I pulled out one box that smelled very nasty and he said "Oh yeah, it's just the musty paper smell; paper will do that when it's old" and said that he would "get to it later" and put it back in the closet.

I wish I could just throw everything out. He has not looked at that stuff in years, and every time we move, we just pack it around with us and then it takes up space in our closet.

The first time we moved, I convinced dh to throw out his box of old broken phones and his deflated basketball. That was bad enough. I can't imagine what his reaction will be when I ask if he really needs those boxes of papers.
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#2 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 05:35 PM
 
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I have definitely thrown his stuff away. I try to do it little by little by little, making sure its stuff he has others of (like you said, deflated basketballs and broken phones). Each time we clean, I make sure he sees me going through MY stuff and deleting.

Have you ever just told him point blank "Hey, I'd like to use the storage closet for some more current storage needs. Could you please go through it on Saturday?" Then make sure he's got some music to keep his body moving, and keep bringing him snacks and drinks til he gets through it. That works for me sometimes. As long as its an area that's clearly HIS, and has NOTHING of yours in the way. And don't bug him while he's in there, or try to point stuff out that seems pointless to you! Whatever progress he makes is good progress!

Anyway, probably too much advice, but yeah, I feel you!
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#3 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 06:12 PM
 
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Nope; I wouldn't want him to do it to me, so I won't do it to him. I'd put it all in a box, give it to him, and tell him he needs to figure out what to do with it, given the space limitations in your home. (Maybe he'd decide he needs the broken phones but doesn't need his t0shirts from high school!)
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#4 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 06:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I did that yesterday; asked him to go through a box. When I went to clean the closet again today the box was gone, so I figured he tossed everything. Later today I found the box full of stuff in our outdoor storage shed.

He's good about doing things when I give him a time limit, so I'll try that when he comes home. I gathered all his boxes of papers from that one indoor closet and put them in the middle of the kitchen. I'll tell him that he has 24 hours before I do it for him. I'll save anything that looks sentimental or important and toss everything else; he'll have to trust my judgment if he doesn't want to do it himself.

We've really become "trash people" lately. We're getting ready to move soon and every time we've moved, we're shocked at the amounts of garbage we have just been living with. The second time we moved, we took out 16 bags of trash in the computer room alone.

I guess some people think "out of sight, out of mind" but not me. I don't want our outdoor storage shed to look like this either.

I wonder, though, do husbands just need a certain amount of space that is theirs to store junk in and that their wives will never attempt to clean?
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#5 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 08:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Greaseball
I wonder, though, do husbands just need a certain amount of space that is theirs to store junk in and that their wives will never attempt to clean?
Yes!

Being right is not always fair, but being fair is always right
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#6 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 08:13 PM
 
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I won't throw out anything of my DH's without asking (beyond socks and undies with holes in them) because I wouldn't want him to do it to me. That being said, I will give him a pile of things and tell him to take care of it - which means he can't put it anywhere it will be in my way. It usually ends up on his desk for a few months, but I've promised myself I will let him have the desk for a catchall and not call him on the stuff on that.
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#7 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 08:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, I think I can let him have the desk. I never use it, unlike the closets. Lately the whole computer room has been turned into the space I never clean because it's dh's spare bedroom as well, for when I sleep with the baby. But the computer is there too, and I'm getting tired of the mess. So I guess I can just stack all those boxes on the desk! The computer is on a separate desk.
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#8 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 10:01 PM
 
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I have done this, continue to do this and refuse to be sorry for it.

DH and I each have two giant trunks in the basement that we are alowed to fill with as much junk as we want and whatever we want.

I think men have a harder time letting go than women, for some reason. No clue why... but I see this same pattern repeated over and over in my family and friend's marriages.

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#9 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 10:03 PM
 
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Well, it's amazing how much stuff got lost in the move. 4 years ago. :LOL
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#10 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 10:15 PM
 
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yes, moves are good for that!! :LOL
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#11 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 10:16 PM
 
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My dp is a clutterbug techie type so everything computer or electronics is worth keeping for the somedays.... argh. So dusty. We've moved the same stuff 4 times. However, if I mention is he goes ballistic. So, the basement is his to moulder away in and I control the rest of the space (well, sorta)

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#12 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 10:18 PM
 
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I have only done it to a couple of pairs of underwear that had holes in the wrong place you could drive a semi through. Other than that, I don't touch his stuff, he doesn't touch mine.
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#13 of 41 Old 03-29-2005, 10:52 PM
 
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Depends. I pretty know which stuff is meaningful to him and dont touch it.
I normallyu jsut give to him and ask him to go through it and he doea a good job. If he didnt i would.
Though I have stuff of my onw I need to pare down.
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#14 of 41 Old 03-30-2005, 05:41 PM
 
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magazines...he subscribes to everything and reads nothing
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#15 of 41 Old 03-30-2005, 05:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ugh...National Geographic! We just started subscribing and are going to be hoarders, it looks like. I remember as a child, one of my chores was to "organize and dust" my mom's vast NG collection.

I will insist on going through the stack every year and saving only what we really like. I have stacks of Mothering articles I save, and every few months I go through those and see if I really need them.
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#16 of 41 Old 03-30-2005, 05:58 PM
 
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Yep....a few times... : and he still doesn't know about it...
Come on those ties were SOOOOOO outdated....and those hideous dress shirts with BROWN pin strips.... :
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#17 of 41 Old 03-30-2005, 09:59 PM
 
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OK- this took 2 years but I managed to get him to clean out the garage attic on his own. I started my declutter bug about 2 years ago and it caught on.
Now its a quarterly thing for us to declutter.

I still want to toss it his Fine Woodworking magazines but he keeps it in his space in his workshop so he wins. But now the attic garage holds dd's stroller and her crib ever since he tossed tons of stiff including a set of skis that had not been used in 15 years. But again it was his idea and it was not in our living space. He also tossed old school notes after he resourced them for an accreditation test and realized he learned a lot more since then. But if it was a storage closet, it would bug me also.

I do not save old magazines. I now toss or give to someone else to read after I read them. If there was a fire, all that stuff would burn burn burn for a long time as well as books. I also donate or give away books after I read them.

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#18 of 41 Old 03-30-2005, 10:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy
Well, it's amazing how much stuff got lost in the move. 4 years ago. :LOL
We "lost" a few things when we had a flood in the basement last year. A lot of the "junk" stored in my part of the house belonged to me parents. There were quite a few old books, crafts patterns, etc that got ruined in the flood...and also quite a few that got ruined in the trash bag after the flood

We're moving to a house half the size and tossing EVERYTHING we don't need.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#19 of 41 Old 04-01-2005, 02:27 AM
 
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In the past I have really REALLY wanted to throw away my dh's stuff. On the way to the airport for a business trip a couple years ago he said, "Please don't get rid of any of my stuff while I'm gone." So, I didn't. He's really sentimental (concert ticket stubs, old address books, old license plates, bootleg tapes....) but he's coming around a little. We moved accross country and then 6 times in 7 years with a taped up box of video tapes that I couldn't get rid of. Finally, on the last move we gave away the vcr and all but 1 video! It takes lots of patience. But, I think it's fair enough. I wouldn't want him to choose which things of mine to get rid of!

I like the idea of two large trunks for sentimental things. A perfect place and a perfect size limit!

Busy mama to dd 6/04 and ds 9/07. Living the dream aboard s/v Convivia.
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#20 of 41 Old 04-01-2005, 03:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I would LOVE to toss dh's holey, disintegrating underwear! But he has such a hard time finding a brand he likes. Once he does, though, then it's no mercy!
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#21 of 41 Old 04-01-2005, 04:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Greaseball
I would LOVE to toss dh's holey, disintegrating underwear! But he has such a hard time finding a brand he likes. Once he does, though, then it's no mercy!
Grease, are you sure you aren't pregnant?? This could be the early stages of pregnancy - thats how I kind of clued in I was pregnant with #2....I started wanting to throw Dh's stuff out!
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#22 of 41 Old 04-01-2005, 01:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Grease, are you sure you aren't pregnant?? This could be the early stages of pregnancy - thats how I kind of clued in I was pregnant with #2....I started wanting to throw Dh's stuff out!
I doubt it! We got the "OK" from the guy at Planned Parenthood; there are supposed to be no sperm left!!!

But yesterday, I was thinking how this reminded me of nesting!
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#23 of 41 Old 04-04-2005, 06:13 PM
 
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sigh... no - for the same reason as everyone else who hasn't. We're both packrats. I think I'm better (not worse) than he is, but he probably thinks the same about me.

Do any continuum concept mothers think this hoarding instinct of men in some how related to the loss of in-arms and cuddling? I need to hold on to and fill-up on the stuff they didn't get as children?

Third generation WOHM. I work by choice.
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#24 of 41 Old 04-04-2005, 10:53 PM
 
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I sometimes give DH a warning that I'm about to go on a cleaning binge and everything is fair game if it's in the way. There have been times when they're was no warning. He's used to my cleaning fits. :LOL

Once he threw out my favorite CD because he hated it and he lied to me about when I asked him if he knew where it was. A week later (I was still looking) and he confessed. Man, was I So about a month later I was driving truck to school. As I was walking to the truck I looked at his license plate and I *hated* that thing. It was so obnoxious. Not the one with the tag numbers but a separate personalized plate. The thought struck me, "Gee, men always have tools in their trucks." Before I knew it I had that plate screwed off and it somehow found it's way into the dumpster! Revenge can feel so good! Best part was when he noticed like a month later that it was gone and he came running in the house exclaiming that someone had stolen his license plate. It was a sweet sweet moment. Yes, I'm a mean horrible person. He has never thrown something of mine away again.
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#25 of 41 Old 04-05-2005, 02:40 PM
 
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Yes, I've tossed stuff of DH's. Perhaps I will rot in hell, but it sure feels good. I try not to be spiteful about it, or get rid of stuff that I don't like. I get rid of things that I know he either hasn't used, won't use or can't even remember he has.

We moved last spring. We got down to the wire with packing, and I ended up packing some of DH's papers. Yup - I tossed all kinds of stuff! I figured it was my perogative - he had a chance to do it himself and didn't.

DH is a total pack rat, and I am pretty ruthless. For years I had been telling DH that we would never live in a larger space than our rental apt (it had storage up the whazoo). Our house is smaller, and DH actually has an entire room in the house to himself. Its tiny, but its his. Whenever he gives me grief for taking up too much space in the sock and underwear drawer, I remind him that he's taken up an entire room of our small house.
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#26 of 41 Old 04-05-2005, 03:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Whenever he gives me grief for taking up too much space in the sock and underwear drawer, I remind him that he's taken up an entire room of our small house.
My dh has three dressers full of clothes he never wears! It's been a constant source of struggle. I finally said it was fine if they stayed in the garage. So tempted to throw those out...
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#27 of 41 Old 04-05-2005, 04:03 PM
 
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I wouldn't throw DHs stuff away without asking.
If i'm cleaning i just kind of pile stuff up that i would like to get rid of, and we go through it together when he gets home.
I don't want to accidentally throw something away that is important to him.
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#28 of 41 Old 04-05-2005, 11:48 PM
 
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Yeah, I have. And I have a feeling he's thrown away some of my stuff now and then as well.
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#29 of 41 Old 04-08-2005, 11:28 AM
 
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Yep, really ratty underwear, but then I'll go and buy him new sexy ones!!!

And I once threw out a disgusting t-shirt that smelled bad even after it came out of the laundry. He thanked me.
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#30 of 41 Old 04-08-2005, 11:48 AM
 
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Yeah, I do. If dh ever cleaned out a closet or dresser drawer, I wouldn't. But I'm the one who usually puts away the laundry, and there comes a time when I just can't fit the stuff in there because he has so many ancient, hole-ridden t-shirts, odd socks, suits that haven't fit him for 10 years, etc.

So, I usually wait until he's away for a weekend and I go to town. I will tell him about boxing up the stuff with any donation value for the Salvation Army, but the really ratty t-shirts and other junk, I just toss.

After nearly 25 years of this, he has yet to notice that something is gone. But if I were to just ask him if I can toss the stained, decrepit t-shirts, he can't bear the thought and starts to get all sentimental about them.
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