Just wanna SCREAM... Mother thinks decluttering her home means send it to mine! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 12:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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: Good Gods she makes me so mad some times!!!

This weekend my mother wants my 8 yr old to come over and help her clean up.. ok, sure thing.

Well, while I was there she had him load my truck up. I mean there was 5 boxes of $H!T in my truck. Things she "gave to him." Mind you three of the boxes were of unopened glass cookie jars (not small!)

I tried to tell him that we did NOT need this stuff, but he really wanted it.

I told my mother cleaning her house did not constitute sending it all to mine!.. she laughed at me: It does not matter how I talk to her or tell her not to do this kind of crap.. she continues to do so.!!!

Mind you.. she is the kind of person that..
*no one EVER does ANYTHING for her.
*She always puts others before herself (her words NOT mine)
*She never asks to have something done for her.. she TELLS.

Oh must I go on?

She thinks I'm kidding!!! My home is so cluttered as it is.. I am in serious NEED of cleaning mine out.!

Just needed to vent.
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#2 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 01:51 AM
 
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One of my friends just got a deer's head dumped on him by his mom when she moved to Florida. And just to make things even better, she made a huge deal about how it's a family heirloom.

His roommates have had fun sticking it in the shower to scare him and stuff though .

Back on topic, if it's yours you can get rid of it. Since it was officially given to your ds talk with him about what he wants to keep and what he wants to give away/throw out. Help him find space in his room/personal area to keep it and explain the need to get rid of other things to make room.

And then drill him, as much as a 'rehearsed' child is abhorrent "why thank you Grandma, but I really couldn't use those, why don't you donate them?" "why thank you Grandma, but I really couldn't use those, why don't you donate them?"....

Also, if you can get over there yourself and tape the boxes shut and just drive them straight to the dump and tell her that's what she's doing, she might take that hint. Might, but don't hold your breath.
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#3 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 01:54 AM
 
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I suggest you take those boxes of glass cookie jars right to a thrift store and not even bring them into your home. As for the other 2 boxes of stuff- maybe tell DS he can keep 2 small items and the rest need to go to charity- let him select which items he really wants.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#4 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 02:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla
I suggest you take those boxes of glass cookie jars right to a thrift store and not even bring them into your home.
Thought of this.. but she came today and was asking where the kids cookiejars were.. like I have anywher to put them.. erhrhrh!:
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#5 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 07:35 AM
 
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Oh, Tummy, I am SO there with you. As she is arriving to visit with armloads of disposable, breakable crap for DD, she is saying "your house is so cluttered; i don't know how you ever find anything without breaking a leg." Grrrrr.

wild.gif  kickin' it old school
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#6 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 11:38 AM
 
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Tell her you have the right to do what you want with stuff that comes into your home, and that includes getting it out again.
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#7 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 11:47 AM
 
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You have my mother! And my MIL!!

We periodically get bushwhacked by both of them and come home from a quick visit with boxes and boxes of stuff. Lo and behold, under the top layer, which usually has some attractive and desirable memory of childhood -- my old Raggedy Ann that my great-grandmother made or dh's childhood Viewfinder -- are things that were never ours and we really don't want or need.

Luckily, what comes in can go out. If someone gives you something, it's yours to do with what you want, especially if you ended up with it because they were cleaning out things *they* no longer wanted. It's more work for us, but sometimes easier than saying no, so we just keep what we want (very little) and freecycle/swap shack/toss the rest. If she gets offended, tough cookies -- she should know better than to strongarm an 8-year-old!
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#8 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 12:04 PM
 
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That's my MIL!! She's not gotten to the stage where she uses the kids though. Instead, she plays the "but it's been in the family for ages!" card with DH, which, thanks to the Catholic upbringing, turns the Guilt Faucet on full force!

We have gleaned so much crap from them over the last couple of years. Every time we go visit them, MIL has a "bag" for me of magazine articles, full magazines, recipes, free samples, etc. It used to be sweet that she took the time and effort to put those things together for me, but now it's becoming more like an excuse for her to get rid of stuff without having to throw it away herself! Very rarely do I find anything anymore that relates to our current situation.

To make matters worse, my ILs are moving out of their home and in to an RV this summer, and are therefore trying to get rid of almost all of their posessions on to us! My BIL and his wife don't want it, so we're the next choice. If she calls me and asks if I want something, I just defer to DH, because when I say "no thank you, we're good" she still calls him, wondering how I could possibly turn down such an "important/wonderful/historic" item.

GAH!

But I do love her to pieces, and she's been more of a mom to me than my own mother for the last few years, so it's all worth it in the end, I suppose.

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#9 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 12:44 PM
 
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After the 1 billionth (or so) iteration of "I told you I didn't need it, no, it isn't in the house, it is at Goodwill" my MIL finally 'got it.'

Oh, the GLORIOUSNESS of not being given every piece of crap that catches her fancy anymore.

Mama, homeschooler, midwife. DD (13yo), DS (11yo), DD (8yo), DD (3yo), somebody new coming in November 2013.

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#10 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 12:45 PM
 
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After the 1 billionth (or so) iteration of "I told you I didn't need it, no, it isn't in the house, it is at Goodwill" my MIL finally 'got it.'

Oh, the GLORIOUSNESS of not being given every piece of crap that catches her fancy anymore.

Mama, homeschooler, midwife. DD (13yo), DS (11yo), DD (8yo), DD (3yo), somebody new coming in November 2013.

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#11 of 34 Old 04-03-2006, 02:42 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nikirj
After the 1 billionth (or so) iteration of "I told you I didn't need it, no, it isn't in the house, it is at Goodwill" my MIL finally 'got it.'

Oh, the GLORIOUSNESS of not being given every piece of crap that catches her fancy anymore.
I wish I could share your crap-free bliss

MIL still doesn't get it :
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#12 of 34 Old 04-04-2006, 12:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My mother is never going to get it. I cannot just throw it away. Well of course, I CAN... but idk, guess there is some serious issues with personal growth that I have not dealt with concerning my mother.

She puts the guilt trip on waaaaay thick, and can make a person feel like crap when she does not get her way.

Rather, I let her make me feel like crap!

How can I tell my children that what grammy does is not the way we do it... especaially when she bribes them with things THEY WANT.. and she knows I do NOT want!
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#13 of 34 Old 04-04-2006, 11:17 AM
 
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I'm guessing the problem will continue until you resolve the underlying issues. As long as your kids see you not saying no to the stuff, they won't say no either.

Now, if you ever do get to the point where you feel okay donating/tossing the stuff, then you can tell your kids "Grandma would have gotten rid of this herself, but she can't make it to the thrift store so we're doing it for her." and make it both a charity thing and a helping out the elderly thing.
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#14 of 34 Old 04-04-2006, 12:47 PM
 
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Let your DS have a yard sale and keep the money from it.
My step-dad is worse than my mother when it comes to this sort of thing. He's sold many things after playing with them (what 10 year old wants a cb? )
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#15 of 34 Old 04-04-2006, 12:53 PM
 
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cb as in cb radio? Probably all of them.
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#16 of 34 Old 04-04-2006, 02:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan
cb as in cb radio? Probably all of them.
Yep, that's what I meant. And they probably would, if they had someone besides truckers to talk to. ...and for the record, my DH is into them...but DS just is NOT that type.
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#17 of 34 Old 04-05-2006, 09:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Alkenny
Let your DS have a yard sale and keep the money from it.
Sweet, I had not thought of that.. and you are soooooo right. How could my mother get offended by my child doing what HE WANTS with what she gave him.... My boys are all about making $. They feel so happy when they get paid for jobs well done.. and honestly, I would prob offer to match what they made if they got rid of that stuff.. that is so a job well done!
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#18 of 34 Old 04-05-2006, 02:23 PM
 
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Tummy, your mother and my mother are soulmates!

I have stopped opening boxes from her because I feel so anxious and bad about what I'm going to do with the crap she sends me. Dh missed the memo on this and I found a box full of a random white coffee set she sent this week sitting in the living room... sigh. I will need to eBay a bunch of junk before we move next, which God willing won't be for a few years yet.

I started throwing things out that I don't want and couldn't possibly resell. If she asks about them, they're "in the attic." That's right, the big attic in the sky!

Can't give up actin' tough, it's all that I'm made of. Can't scrape together quite enough to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love. ~ Neko Case

 
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#19 of 34 Old 04-05-2006, 08:16 PM
 
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I wonder if somewhere in cyberland there are mothers and MIls posting to threads titled, "Why doesn't my daughter take care of all the nice things I give her?"

My MIL -oh, I can't even start! Luckily, my dh gets even more irked than I do and tends to just hand the stuff back to her. Or tells her to return it. Occasionally a random lamp or mailbox or toasteroven or Chicken Little DVD slips through and it goes straight away to the Good Will pile.

We have vowed we will not give random stuff like this to our kids (although I am sure we will forget how annoying it is and do it anyway). I think it's a generational thing - can't toss anything away. Whatever it is, it is super annoying.
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#20 of 34 Old 04-05-2006, 08:30 PM
 
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I can so relate! Both my grandparents and parents moved to much smaller homes this past year and we are just stocked with junk-ola (wait, I mean "antiques & collectibles") that no one wanted to throw away. I was the lucky recipient of much of it because "well, you do ebay - you can make some money off this". I have moved out some via yard sale, ebay and craigslist, but there is so much more to go and some is just junk. My mom's condo's double garage is still full of boxes and every week when we go over there, we come home with at least a box or two of stuff. My packrat/thrifty self just can't say no. I do try to donate a bunch of it, but they closed the goodwill drop-off near me so now I drive around with my car full of junk most of the time.

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#21 of 34 Old 04-06-2006, 09:12 PM
 
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My mom claims it's because her *parents* survived the depression. Come ON! In reality, she has a lot of difficulty making decisions, so she puts them off by saving everything.

Once at my parents' I was looking for a recipe from a recent issue of Cook's Illustrated, to which we both subscribe. I found it in a big wicker trunk crammed with catalogs, magazines, fliers, and crap dating back to 1970. I almost swooned, right there in the living room. For her it's this pathalogical inability to get rid of *anything*.

Ummm, was I venting?

For her, there's also an element of "I gave you this, now I can try to control you by asking you about it/berating you for not having it." She was recently (within the last 3 months) bitching to me about a rug (which she gave to us!)which our cat destroyed and we threw out... in 2000. It was a small rug that matches a larger rug which she still owns, and on the twelfth of never when she sells the big rug, she's now out the bucks for the matching small rug.

It could be worse... she recently attempted to get my brother to take a fencing helmet she bought for him when he was twelve (he's 35 now). He didn't want it and told her to give it away. She pulled out the receipt (!) to show him how much she'd spent on it. He almost just melted down right then and there...

OMG I've totally hijacked here. Where's the bag smiley when you need it?

Can't give up actin' tough, it's all that I'm made of. Can't scrape together quite enough to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love. ~ Neko Case

 
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#22 of 34 Old 04-06-2006, 10:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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omfg Penelope... ARE YOU MY (NEVER KNOWN ABOUT) SISTER?!?!?!?

That is so my mother! Woah!
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#23 of 34 Old 04-08-2006, 03:02 AM
 
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My Granny IL called me up the other day and gave me compliments about my needlework. I said "thanks thats nice of you" well then she proceeds to tell me all about this needlepoint project of hers that is nearly finished but because of arthritis she can't finish. So she "gifts" me with this almost done project. The instructions and original yarn came with it, copyright date of 1986! I graduated from HS in 1988 and didn't meet DH until 2001.
*Sigh* She will start asking me about it at family get togethers.
I have a 6mo old DD, work PT and have plenty of cross-stitch, crochet, and sewing projects currently in progress.
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#24 of 34 Old 04-10-2006, 01:10 PM
 
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i like the garage sale idea too--you could even be saving for college or something big--i get my dd to put $ in the bank by saying wouldn't it be nice to have enough $ in the bank to buy a car with when you are old enough. it doesn't work with ds, though.
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#25 of 34 Old 04-30-2006, 01:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tummy
Thought of this.. but she came today and was asking where the kids cookiejars were.. like I have anywher to put them.. erhrhrh!:
why do you have to make excuses? you told her you didn't want it. it was her choice not to hear you. what a good excuse to repeat yourself.

get it out, clutter is evil. your ds will live.
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#26 of 34 Old 07-05-2006, 04:28 AM
 
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Dump it all at Goodwill.
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#27 of 34 Old 07-05-2006, 08:15 PM
 
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Revisiting this thread since it was bumped...did your DS have a yard sale?
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#28 of 34 Old 07-06-2006, 03:18 PM
 
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This thread is cracking me up. I thank the ground I walk on everyday that my mom is 1500 miles from me and doesn't trust the postal service. If we lived within driving distance of her, my house would be stuffed wall to wall with her cast-off crap. She keeps threatening to mail stuff, if only the darn post office would be more helpful.

My MIL on the other hand does drive quite a few things over under the guise of "family heirlooms". Stuff just kept showing up. I finally said something and she said "Oh, but honey. Your house is just so spare and sad. You need more stuff!" No, no really I don't need more stuff.

Frugal, food growing mama to my four loves

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#29 of 34 Old 07-06-2006, 03:44 PM
 
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double post

Frugal, food growing mama to my four loves

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#30 of 34 Old 07-07-2006, 10:06 AM
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My MIL has pulled some of that crap on me, I get rid of things, I can't stand clutter.

I don't get hording stuff, it drives me nuts.

They (M and MIL) have pulled the stunt with the kids, however, I have a wash basket full of stuffed animals because of that stunt.
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