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#1 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 12:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am trying really hard to keep my house clean and organized, decluttered etc. And I have come a long wa( like all the way from dirty diapers sitting in our room on nightstands- etc when ds was born- like if DCFS came it would be trouble messy! ) to clean but a bit cluttered- not to bad... maybe a floor needing mopped etc.
Dh just can not get off it and it makes me not want to do it at all.
I will try so hard and he will nit pick!
I am cleaning the house for me and the kids- and him- but I hate how he acts like he is my housekeeping supervisor.
I grew up with parents and a brother who always yelled at me for my messy ways- and I always got into trouble for it- I feel that my dh is doing the same thing. Anyone with any words of wisdom?

em
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#2 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 12:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Emilie
Dh just can not get off it and it makes me not want to do it at all.
I will try so hard and he will nit pick!
I am cleaning the house for me and the kids- and him- but I hate how he acts like he is my housekeeping supervisor.

em
I am afraid I don't have words of advice, just complete and total empathy. It doesn't help matters that I am at least organized. I don't keep a tidy house, but it's 132% cleaner than what dh lived in as a bachelor, and I know it.
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#3 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 12:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OMG! Totally! that is how I feel! When I would go to dh's house his whole sink would be FULL of dishes- no one doing them! I used to be that way- but no longer! it drives me Crazy! I try to explain to him and he just does not get it!
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#4 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 12:51 PM
 
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My dh has opposable thumbs. If he complains about those things, I show him where we keep the cleaning supplies.
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#5 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 12:57 PM
 
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My dh knows that if he sees something he does not like he is welcome to do it himself and if he values his life he best not verbalize anything. Just go take care of it. As the pp stated-he, too, has opposable thumbs.

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#6 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 01:46 PM
 
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I know that this does not really speak to your situation of handling the insults about the housekeeping--but I love having a clean house. For me it is an extension of Feng Shui--having an orderly, clean, comfortable home can help you to feel more peaceful and happy. If you ask most people how they feel in a clean home or clean, fresh clothes and most will agree that there is something wonderful about cleanliness. I think it becomes something spirtual--cleanliness and order within our home can feed that neglected part of our soul. When your home is pulled down in mess it would reasonable to feel pulled down internally within yourself. There are all kinds of disorder in this world. We cannot do much about a lot of it but we can do something about our own little corners of life, and make our homes sanctuaries for us and our families.

I use to be messy growing up too, and now I keep the house really neat--because I found how much I loved the feeling of being nestled in my clean house. It takes a lot of work and commitment to keep the house tidy, (especially because I do all the cleaning since my husband works long hours and I am a SAHM) but the payoff is incredibly--not just for my family, but for me. There is nothing better than looking around my tidy house, cup of hot tea in hand, walking into my clean, healthy kitchen to start preparing a good meal. After we eat I clean up right away, and always go the extra mile--I wipe down the counters, scrub the sink, and put everything way so that the kitchen looks wonderful when I am done.

I also like to have some fresh flowers around the house each week. Every wednesday I buy two bouquets--usually sunflowers and roses, and divide them up to go in different rooms...the bathroom, the bedroom, on the dining table and livingroom. I put them in teapots and little vases. So I will clean each room, and after it is totally done, I put the finishing touch with a little jar of flowers.

I have found that I push myself to clean sort of like how I push myself to exercise. I never want to do it, but I will jump up and think "do this room" and if you work really hard (I actually get a great workout from it if I do it quickly) I get a great feeling after it is done. When I am upset I often clean rather than laying around lethargically--I find it helps me to work some angst out, and being in a clean house is the ultimate mood lifter. It is hard work--you can't be lazy and let things slide--you have to commit to making your home cozy and clean. When you do your physical cleaning this is a chance to help increase the positive energy to your home.

Try something new this week--try pushing yourself to clean your home each day--not just once, but throughout the day. Work on your living space, and see if it helps to clear out the cobwebs in your mind.

Hugs,
Lisa
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#7 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 02:15 PM
 
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This is one of the reasons we are divorcing. The house was entirely my job even though I worked a job outside the home. And it was never ever good enough.

Solo Mum to 4 and loving every minute of it!!!!
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#8 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 04:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so sorry celtain....
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#9 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 05:47 PM
 
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We've had issues, too. I just showed my dh Annakiss' thread on her house. He was so in awe. It inspired him. My main issue is that we are lazy and we don't put things away when we are done with them. We think that we will just pick up once at the end of the day. Then the end of the day comes and it's a huge mess and we are too tired to even start on it. So I'm trying to encourage our family that whatever is in our hand, think about where that should go and put it there. It's a team effort. No one supervises anyone else, except of course both of us supervise the kids.

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#10 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 07:25 PM
 
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DH and I had a HUGE fight about this last night.. so much in fact I told him I needed to leave the house. (yes I was that PO'd) I showed up at a girlfriends house at 10:23pm. and She and I and 2 other wonderful girlfriends of mine sat and clucked about our various DH's and there moronic points of view and double standards.
It helped. Sometimes we all say things we don't mean. I know that my DH's head up the butt POV stems from his jealousy that I get to spend all day with our DS (I dont mean that sarcasticly). and if the shoe was on the other foot I can't say I wouldn't be the same way.. honestly. its kind of a moot point with us because neither one will cave about it..oy! I think all in all its just one of those things.. however I do have to agree with Lisaincalifornia.. there is a sort of euphoria about sitting back and enjoying a nice clean house..
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#11 of 32 Old 04-24-2006, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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im not saying i dont want a clean house! i do- however i just also have a 2 yr old and 5 mo old- i try-
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#12 of 32 Old 04-25-2006, 12:46 AM
 
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I also think the more he complained and nagged the less I wanted to do. I'm a touch on the stubborn side






Solo Mum to 4 and loving every minute of it!!!!
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#13 of 32 Old 04-25-2006, 12:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilie
Like all the way from dirty diapers sitting in our room on nightstands- etc when ds was born....
OMG! Are you in my bedroom right now?!

My Soon to be DH b!tches constantly, but doesn't help a whole lot, and even better.....has a TON of stuff. He's such a packrat. He doesn't want to get rid of it, either...

And it seems like as soon as I get rid of things, more stuff gets brought in.

I know how you feel. For sure.

I love a clean house. Love love love it.. But sometimes I get caught up. I don't mean to let it go, and get so messy.. I have a thread in MHM talking about it. I just feel.....overwhelmed.....by it all.
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#14 of 32 Old 04-25-2006, 12:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Celtain
This is one of the reasons we are divorcing. The house was entirely my job even though I worked a job outside the home. And it was never ever good enough.
What a crappy reason to divorce...I mean that against him and for you, that is. I'm so sorry for you, Celtain, that really sucks but you know what, I think you'll be better off without him.
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#15 of 32 Old 04-25-2006, 02:19 AM
 
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My dh tried it once early in the piece I made it clear that if I wasn't doing it to his satisfaction he can pay someone else to clean. My job is wife and mother first and cleaner is somewhere near the bottom of the list. I keep the place safe but with so much clutter it's hard to keep tidy
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#16 of 32 Old 04-25-2006, 10:35 AM
 
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My DH does the same thing. I am tring to down size what we have so i don't have to clean it.
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#17 of 32 Old 04-25-2006, 10:45 AM
 
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My friend and her male partner have a written contract about household duties, that they occasionally renegotiate.

He works out of the home, and she takes care of the children.

Taking care of the children does not include being responsible for cleaning the house. They divide these duties. He does the dishes; she washes the children's laundry. She breastfeeds; he changes diapers whenever he is home and is responsible for the diaper laundry. Etc.

It works really well for them.
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#18 of 32 Old 04-25-2006, 10:54 AM
 
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Wow Lisa! I think you may be my hero. I want to be that way...but with 3 children 5 and under it feels like Im holding back a tidal wave.

My dh would like the house cleaner. I used to have it all together before I had #3...then it ALL fell apart. Dh works a lot, and makes a nice income for us, encourages me to spend something on myself each week, gives me breaks when he can tell I need them...brings me flowers often, and writes me poems. The only thing he asks is for is a clean, organized home. When he is home, he does all the child care...I dont feel like me having all the home duties is off balance either...the man works at least 60 hrs a week, and is doing the work of 3 people because he is calling resumes, interviewing, training new agents, running his own field appts, and chasing paperwork. Its obviously my issue, with not keeping things up to par....I dont know why I struggle with it, I love having a clean organized home...just love it...its the doing part I have a hard time with.
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#19 of 32 Old 04-25-2006, 06:12 PM
 
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I think it is more improtant that the children are well taken care of! Who cares if the kitchen isn't always perfect. The housekeeping police are not going to come take me away. I think it is way more important to read or play or go to the park with your kids then it is to clean!!!!

I do manage to keep my home clean and tidy most of the time. I have minimal clutter. i am very fussy about what comes into our home. If I don't have it I don't have to spend time cleaning it!! I am also the queen of baskets and bins. Whenever we purchase a new toy for DS I also get an appropriate basket to store it in that will fit on a shelf or in the closet in his toyroom.

It also helps to spend a little time cleaning every day, so that things don't pile up on you. Every morning after DS is done getting washed and dresssed we wipe down the mirrors, counters, sink, toilet in his bathroom. It takes about 2 minutes. I do the same in our other bathrooms. It keeps everything sparkly and that way I never have to do a major bathroom cleaning. I do that all over the house. That way it is always clean and I am never embarassed when people drop over! There may be a fleet of cars lined up down the hall or a craft project going on in the kitchen though.

I don't get much help from DH. He works long hours and I would rather spend evenings relaxing and talking with him.

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#20 of 32 Old 04-29-2006, 04:25 PM
 
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I am afraid I don't have words of advice, just complete and total empathy. It doesn't help matters that I am at least organized. I don't keep a tidy house, but it's 132% cleaner than what dh lived in as a bachelor, and I know it.
150% at least here. I also heard a story of my dh before we were married, that he and his room-mate threw away dishes after eating, because the sink was full. Yup, he's mine ladies!!!!!!!
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#21 of 32 Old 04-30-2006, 04:37 PM
 
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;

.

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#22 of 32 Old 05-11-2006, 02:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by kellid
150% at least here. I also heard a story of my dh before we were married, that he and his room-mate threw away dishes after eating, because the sink was full. Yup, he's mine ladies!!!!!!!

MINE TOO!!!!!
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#23 of 32 Old 05-11-2006, 08:35 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Emilie
im not saying i dont want a clean house! i do- however i just also have a 2 yr old and 5 mo old- i try-
If you don't have help, I think it's impossible to have a perfectly clean house and well loved and nurtured children at those ages, in many cases. Unless you have the world's most placid children which I certainly did NOT!

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#24 of 32 Old 05-11-2006, 11:26 AM
 
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My DH is always complaining about it. As far as I'm concerned, if it's bothering him - he can clean it. We both WOH full time. While at home, I do 99.5% of the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking and childcare. I do 80% of the laundry. 9 times out of 10, I clean the bathroom. I'm tapped.

BUT - he's NOT saying that it's MY fault that the house is dirty (it's general complaining about how "lazy" we ALL are). He's really awesome, though. BUT - I don't want to hear his 'itchin' - he knows that if he wants it done, he can A. get up and do it or B. ask me to help him.
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#25 of 32 Old 05-11-2006, 12:56 PM
 
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I think if a DH complains, leave it up to HIM to clean. That way it'll get done just the way he wants it to.

My DH is a SAHP and I work at home. So I see how little time he has to do anything over and above taking care of the 2 kids. Sure, he could plop them in front of the TV and wash dishes, but I'd rather they all had fun together instead.

Sometimes I say stuff about the house being messy, but I never mean that HE should clean more. I am just generally frustrated that things never stay clean no matter how diligent we seem to be. In fact my comments are mostly directed at me, since I am bad about cleaning and have always been messy.

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#26 of 32 Old 05-11-2006, 01:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nancy926
Sometimes I say stuff about the house being messy, but I never mean that HE should clean more. I am just generally frustrated that things never stay clean no matter how diligent we seem to be. In fact my comments are mostly directed at me, since I am bad about cleaning and have always been messy.
That's exactly what I was trying to say that DH is "saying," and I do it, too!

Thanks for being able to be clear - 'cause I'm not able to do that today!
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#27 of 32 Old 05-11-2006, 01:32 PM
 
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Dp always complains about the house, thinks its "dirty"- I claim it's "lived in".

Yes there are a few dishes in the sink and some (ok a bunch) of clothes on the floor but nothing is actually dirty. The bathroom and kitchen gets a regular cleaning, and trash is taken out on a bi daily basis.

What I have learned is that our definitions of "dirty", "messy", and "cluttered" are extremely different. What I call messy is what he considers dirty. To me dirty is like with dirt and gross, yucky stuff. Clothes on the floor and a few cups on the coffee table is not dirty to me but its the end of the world to him! Can we say he's a bit OCD? He even admits to it.

My issue is I work 40 hours out of the home, cook all the meals, do all the "real on your hands and knees with cleaning supplies" cleaning, do 95% of the child care and he still expects me to tidy up all the time. DD goes to bed around 8 and we got to bed around 10. I'll be darned if I'm going to spend most of that time cleaning. I refuse.

My new line is "if it's bothering you then let it bother you enough to fix it yourself."
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#28 of 32 Old 05-11-2006, 03:04 PM
 
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Wow. If my DH ever said a critical word about my housekeeping, I'd tell him he was welcome to clean it himself. I think he knows better, though.

On one occasion only did he dare suggest that because I'm home with DD, that it therefore follows that I should be doing all the housekeeping. DD was 7 or 8 months old at the time. His exact words were, "don't you do ANYTHING during the day?"

I stopped doing anything but take care of DD and feed myself, for four days, just to show him how much I really DO do. That took care of that.

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#29 of 32 Old 05-11-2006, 04:09 PM
 
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I'm the Queen of Procrastination. Believe it or not, I have found a solution with FlyLady. The website has given me incentive and a big push. It's actually fun to read the little reminders you get in your email (and if they get to be too repetitious, or too much, just delete them!)

http://www.flylady.net/
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#30 of 32 Old 05-11-2006, 04:12 PM
 
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Dh used to complain occasionally until he started working from home.
Now he is a WAHD and I work outside the home
He says he understands now
I say you take a vaction for a day or two and leave him to run things...See how sympathetic he becomes
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