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moms of messy kids...

772 views 17 replies 7 participants last post by  beanma 
#1 ·
i'm wanting some tips. i think that some of us are born organizers and some are not and my dd1 is definitely not. i'm not so much either myself. my dd2 will help put things away with a little direction, but dd1 (almost 6) balks and says she likes it messy, she'll NEVER EVER clean up, etc.

in the new year i'm really wanting to turn over a new leaf and get this place organized and neat(er). i know dh does, too. any tips for doing that with a kid who loves art projects (lots of crayons and markers and scraps of cut paper) and who does not like to pick up after herself? dh and i get pretty resentful about picking up after the kids when we've just cleaned up and all of a sudden the floor is covered with cr@p again. i'm almost getting to the place where i can clean it up without feeling too resentful, but it's been a long time getting to that place and i'm not sure it's teaching dd1 too much dor me to pick up her mess, but neither is leaving the floor a mess since she doesn't seem to care that it's a mess.

give me all you've got!

much thanks!
 
#2 ·
Ugh. I'm right there with you mama, except I'm getting to the point where I'm getting REALLY resentful. My DD1 will take the packaging off something and just throw it on the floor! Now, we're not the neatest people, but we don't throw things on the floor, for pete's sake. I practice GD (or, well, I try
), but I'm starting to get to a point where I'm starting to consider some not-so-G tactics for dealing with this. I'll be watching for ideas here!
 
#4 ·
I am not going to be popular in this thought process. I do not feel it is my job to pick up after my kids. When they were babies it was different. Now they are 6, 9 and 12. They are not babies who CAN'T do it. Now if they didn't pick up their stuff it would be because they are choosing not to do so. And that isn't acceptable. I feel I am not just raising sons I am raising future husbands and fathers. My MIL stayed home while her kids were little. She did not teach them any household responsiblity. My dh when first married thought it was OK to throw his dirty washclothes in the floor of the shower (using a new one every day) til 5 or so would be in there, and I'd find them when I went to clean the shower. His mom always went behind him tidying everything. He truely had NO clue what he should be doing. So finally after a couple of years and a few DOZEN fights about respect for each other and our home he finally "got it". My kids have responsibilities every day of their lives. And no they don't always WANT to do it. But they do not have the choice at this point. I have things I don't want to do but it is a necessity of a productive life.

My kids responsibilities:
unload and load dishwasher
unload dryer and fold clothes
put clothes away in bedroom
keep bedroom neat and trash free
put trash in the trash can
feed several outside animals
water above
take out trash
help with care of inside dogs
clean litter box (it isn't my cat)
vaccum and dust their own rooms
carry in groceries

This is in addition to homeschooling. You have to crack down on this now. Why would it ever be OK to throw trash on the floor? Gently discipline has its place. Parenting has its place.
 
#5 ·
So how do you get them to do it? There's not a thing I could take away from my DD that would convince her to clean something up. I tried making it a game, and that worked a few times. I tried using a timer, worked a few times. I refuse to turn on the TV for her, and she throws a fit and then goes and plays with something (which at least has the benefit of cutting down on TV, but then she makes more of a mess playing
). She gets no allowance, and when we did try that, it didn't work anyway. I can talk and talk until I'm blue in the face about family responsibility and everyone having their jobs to do, but it makes no difference. How exactly do you persuade them to do it? She's 4, by the way, so it wasn't until recently that I really began expecting her to do much of anything. And it's not like I'm asking her to do much now, just participate with me in cleaning up toys or whatever. But still, she flat out tells me, "I don't want to!" Then what? Neither rewards nor punishments motivate her. ACK!!!!
 
#6 ·
melissel, your dd sounds like mine.

mamaof3boz, gimme all me all the tips you've got! HOW do you motivate them to do it?

my dd1 just is not a neat by nature soul and she will flat out tell me, "i don't want to!" well, duh, i don't want to either, but i don't want your mess on the floor either. i've tried threats. today's was "i'll put all the crayons up high so you can't get them and only bring them down for dd2 to use, " but that makes me feel like an ogre and i don't feel very GD about it. it does sometimes work though so that's what i keep resorting to, but what lesson am i imparting with that -- when you want somebody to do something threathen them? ugh. i need better techniques, but i do want her to learn to do it herself and not expect me to do it.

tips, tips, give me tips!!
 
#7 ·
I have boys and I will say from being around my niece girls are a WHOLE different universe on a daily basis
. My niece can be the same way. Her brother is like my boys
:

You are not being an ogre when she refuses to pick up her crayons and you have to resort to taking them away. If her sister is helping put them back in the box she deserves to use them. If 6yr old has CHOOSEN not to compromise "I get to color and when I'm done I put them away" she is making the CHOICE "I want to color but I'm not putting away the colors". It is her CHOICE. You haven't made the decision she has. That is the whole thing right there. She has to be empowered to make the decision. If she decides to make the decision that ultimately works against her that is HER PROBLEM.

If you want to get "down to business" here it is. You go to her room and say "Your room could be a lot neater than this. I know you want it to be neat. I will help you clean it up. If you choose not to help then I will have to take away the things making it messy." So you start picking up. After about three or four items if she isn't helping ask her "are you choosing not to make your room neat?" Her response "I don't want to help" Your response "OK then I will get rid of things that are making a mess" NOW here is the clencher...you walk to the kitchen get out a BIG black trash bag and go to her room and put ANYTHING out of place in the bag. When you are done you say "OK now its not messy any more". And you proceed to put the bag in the trunk of your car. You can donate it to Goodwill or send it to grandma's for a bit. IF you really are committed to getting her bad habits broken you throw the bag in the trash can and don't look back. Is this unfair? NO she CHOSE not to help. It was her decision. You gave her choices. She was empowered to NOT lose the toys. She gave up the power when she wouldn't help.

Once that lesson is learned and she KNOWS you ain't kidding the rest will come easier.

If you keep giving in and picking up for her because its "easier" then resolve yourself to this for the next 12 yrs. And its gonna get worse. Because there won't be a magic moment when she stops.

Is this gentle discipline? Probably not, I'm not sure. The child is empowered, you haven't yelled or screamed, you haven't belittled, no useless timeouts, no threats, just plain and simple "if you choose _________then _________happens". Its kinda like REAL life
:
 
#8 ·
melissel-you answered your own question "I talk and talk until I'm blue in the face". WHY? What is there to talk about? The stuff needs to be put away, in the trash, whatever. She knows. You know. She is no longer listening. If she's throwing trash off construction paper in the floor remove the construction paper. If she won't clean up her stuff see above post. Just say what needs said and follow thru.
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mommaof3boz View Post
What a little thread killer I am!!


You're right, I can see where I can make some changes. I'm a soft touch, and I feel like I have so much stress in my life already, listening to her cry makes it worse. But I've been thinking about this all day, and I told her tonight that we're going to have a new bedtime rule. Starting after the holiday, she needs to be in bed by 7:30 pm, because I need to lay down with her sister by 8:00 (or I miss the sleep window). The longer it takes her to get in bed, the less time we'll have to read. She agreed, of course. Now I just need to stick to it!

So you can see, the lack of structure is an ongoing problem with us
In addition to bedtime troubles, the cleaning up thing is a huge stressor for me. My main New Year's resolution is to start taking steps to really solve some of this stuff.

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate the reminder that I need to stay strong.
 
#11 ·
mommaof3boz, thanks for your story. you're not a thread-killer.

i'd love to have some more tips, too, though. anybody else out there want to share their stories?
 
#12 ·
Success!!!! I started the day today telling DD that her room had to be straightened before we played or did anything else. She looked a little blank, but was like, OK, I guess! I told her that I would be tidying the living room, and if her room wasn't at least started by the time I was done, I would assume that she had an overwhelming number of toys and I would come in with a bin and clear everything that was out of place and put the whole bin away. I tried very hard not to sound really punitive about it, and played it more as, "We have so much stuff, it's hard to stay on top of, I know it's a big job, etc." She went to her room, and immediately started saying how tired she was, how Diego needed to eat because he hadn't had breakfast, yadda yadda. I said that was fine, but I reiterated that if she wasn't making good progress by the time I came in, I would do the bin thing. Lo and behold! I came in 15 minutes later to find HER WHOLE ROOM CLEANED UP! Only a few things were out of place, and we worked on those together.

So, so far so good. She has a habit of complying the first few times and then pooping out, so the real test will be in a week or so


Thanks for tips!!!!

Beanma, there's a thread in the GD forum by CurlyTop that has lots of other ideas, in the same general vein. HTH!
 
#14 ·
WOW. Thanks for this topic. I have 3 boys of my own: one that is autistic and can't even hang his shirts on a hanger, one that is like melissels daughter and opens something and tosses the wrapper in the floor (have they SEEN us DO THESE THINGS or what? Good grief!) and the other just does whatever his bigger brother does. Thankfully, my daughter isn't even a year old yet so hopefully I can get the boys under control before SHE steps in the mix too!

Thanks again!
 
#15 ·
Good thread. I'm embarrassed to say I have a 7 y.o. ds who is so messy, and I realize I'm totally enabling him by picking up after him. I'm planning on working hard on this with him this year- he will not magically change and if I don't want him to be the same way when he's 17, we need to start now. He just has a high tolerance for mess (even though he functions better in an organized environment)- he can fall asleep on top of a pile of junk on his bed, which amazes me. His younger sister, on the other hand, is completely anal and must have everything in its place. Argh. Anyway, I think chronically messy kids (especially younger ones) really need a lot of direction on cleaning up before they really "get" it. If I say "clean up your room" he can't seem to figure it out, but if I say "make your bed", "put away your legos", "put your clothes in your hamper", etc., he does well. But it's frustrating to have to go through this every time (and thus I always slip back into a pattern of doing it for him). I wonder how many repetitions it takes before kids can internalize these habits?
 
#16 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mommaof3boz View Post
YEAH Melissel!!! It was a choice. I hope you didn't get from my post it is in a punishing thing. They get to make the choice. And it works, I swear. AND nobody feels bad unless they make a choice they aren't happy with later.
No, not at all! I just didn't want it to sound to her like I was saying, "Clean your room now or I'll do it for you!!!!" (cue the big mean mama music
) Her room stayed pretty clean today, but by tonight there was some stuff out of place (playsilks all over the floor, new Christmas toy set spread out). When we got into bed to read, I said, "Hmm, I can see a few things that we'll need to work on tidying tomorrow before we do anything else." She looked at me, wide-eyed, and then looked at the floor and said, "Really? What?" So we are learning together


And I will totally admit, I am a slob. I have a pretty high tolerance for clutter, and...ahem...have been known to fall asleep on a pile of junk on my bed
(But I still don't throw wrappers on the floor, I really don't know where they get that!) However, I'm starting to see how this affects my kids, and with two kids making messes now, I really need to start curbing my own bad habits and helping them develop good ones. I hope we can keep it up!
 
#17 ·
Just a random question for those who's kiddos throw wrappers in the floor---- do they have their own trashcans in their room? Mom never gave enough trashcans, I think each kid should have a trashcan in their own room.

It's hard to get a kid to walk all the way to the kitchen every time s/he needs to throw away one single piece of trash.

We finally convinced hmy mom of this when she complained about the junk food wrappers by the computer (I was older by then) and we explained that it was a BIG house and we needed more than one trash can! She put a small one by the computer desk and it really helped. lol
 
#18 ·
oh, yeah, there's a trash can in every room. that is not the issue at all around here. i have one kid (my 3 yr old) who will happily take direction (when she's not mimicking her big sis) and will trot over to the trash can with a piece of trash, but the other one just says "i don't want to!" . grrrrrrr....
 
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