I'm not sure if you are only looking for a place to vent which
, but I too have been in the same position and feel like I came out mentally in one piece ;-)
So, I thought I would tell you what worked for my family. To clarify, I am a little anal...so if you are not...more power to you...honest!
A little background: my hubby and I were highschool sweethearts who found ourselves parents by the time we graduated. After three years, we had another little boy...so we were a family of 3 for three years of college and 4 for two years.
First up: we had a STRICT schedule. My hubby and I woke up at least an hour and a half before we had to leave for the morning. This way we could have coffee after getting showered and dressed. Then we would get the boys up and ready so they had at least a half hour to chill and watch cartoons. Sometimes this was the only part of the day that my hubby and I could actually sit down together...we still do this to this day.
Next: Our days were crazy as are yours obviously!
Afternoon: When we finally got home for the evening, we had some sort of snack right away, so that the boys were not starving and cranky until supper. This was our family time. We went outside or for a walk or even just sat and watched tv. It may have only been for an hour too.
Supper: I know everyone says it, but menu planning...and trust me, I only made simple meals...mac and cheese, pizza, casserole, tacos...you know the ha ha Rachel Ray, I made supper in 15 minutes!
Next: Bath time. We made it a nightly wind down routine. Baths for the boys, jammies, and then books as a family. By now it's between 7-8 and the boys are in bed. Whether they were truly ready to sleep or not...most of the time they were because we would go outside.
Afterwards: My husband and I did homework and laundry until about 9. I am still to this day worthless after 9pm. So we would get the coffee ready for the next day, and maybe our lunch...maybe! Then watch the news and go to bed between 10-10:30.
Inbetween getting home and bed, usually entailed a load of laundry and we ALWAYS did the dishes after the meal...usually whoever did not cook...which was almost always my husband.
We also ALWAYS make the beds in the morning...I promise it just gets to be part of the routine.
On Saturdays, right away in the morning after a cup or two of coffee, we did the cleaning. My husband cleans the bathrooms and the kitchen floor, and I do the vacuuming and dusting. If you keep the house picked up through the week, then this is easy on the weekend. We also did all of the grocery shopping during the weekend. I REFUSE to enter a store on a weeknight!!!
I know it seems like a lot...but you really fall into a routine, and then it's all just part of life!
As far as your boys room...I know they are boys, but if you let them know that it is unacceptable, and give consequences, they will start to do what you ask. My boys are little, so I make the beds and put away the clothes.
I bet your son with Asphergers would probably appreciate a strict routine and maybe willing to help? (sorry, that's the special ed teacher part of me coming out)
So...I have rambled and rambled, but this works for us. We still have this same schedule...which is good because we are fulltime teachers and plan on beginning our masters (online) next year!
Good Luck!! I am a master organizer, so if you want any tips let me know.