I feel nothing... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 12-10-2008, 03:55 PM - Thread Starter
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I don't know what is going on with me lately. I have always been kind of a moody person, but it wasn't really a big deal. I also had PPD after my second child, but with medication it passed and I was off of it in a manner of months.

Lately (the past 5 months or so) I just feel like I am between feeling 'nothing' or 'anger'. It is not such a good place to be. There have been some wonderful 'happy' moments happening in my life - and I can think to myself 'wow this is cool/great/neat' but I don't feel the happiness. Does that make any sense. It has gotton so bad that I can't even seem to feel that happy/deeply in love feeling toward my children....whom I know I do love very much. It is like they simply exist and I exist with them.

It isn't like I don't like/love them - I know I do. And it isn't like I am sad all the time....I am simply...nothing. That is except when I get angry. That seems to be the only emotion that I can feel. And I get angry/frustrated/mean alot lately. I don't know how to stop myself from getting that way. The littlest things seem to set me off and all the things I wanted to be as a wife/mother seem to get throw out the door.

When I am in public or with other people I am fine. I would say people think I am a friendly outgoing good person, nice mother, ect. But at home I just feel like I want to be alone and not deal with the kids. Even when things are going well.

So, after a REALLY bad night last night I think I should see someone. This can't be normal can it? Does anyone have any thoughts as to what is wrong with me?

Also what type of person should I see? A councler, doctor, psyc, ???? I really have no clue. I just want to be fixed.

Grace - photographer, wife and mom to 4 great kids (Ethan 5.00, Ainsley 4.02, Owen 12.04, and Ellis Ann 10.07) :
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#2 of 6 Old 12-10-2008, 05:20 PM
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I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist. That way, if you decide you do want to go on meds again, he/she can prescribe them right away.

Hang in there.

Mom to dd (8), ds (6), and dd (1)

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#3 of 6 Old 12-10-2008, 06:44 PM
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I felt almost exactly what you are describing. I couldn't label myself depressed, because I wasn't sad or crying. I felt the "numbness" as well. If my kid fell down and got hurt, I could go through the motions of saying "oh honey, are you ok? Let me give you a kiss"-- but wouldn't exactly FEEL bad for them.

I was tired of this feeling, and saw a psychiatrist. It didn't really matter my diagnosis- I just wanted to feel better-- I guess I have some sort of anxiety, and depression.

I started on 10 mg of Lexapro. Added 50 mg of trazodone to counteract the side effect of insomnia that i got from Lexapro. Today he added Wellbutrin to counteract the anorgasmia from the Lexapro.

Despite the frustrating side effects, it is certainly worth it to me. I am WAY more easy going, I rarely yell at my kids, and actually play with them. It's helped me let some of the housework go, and just hang out with the kids. I used to vacuum 2 or more times a day, now it's like every other day... (i may have had some OCD stuff going on too)---

I would see a psychiatrist for medication trials. If you think you need therapy (I did) the psychiatrist will recommend one for you. Good Luck!

Jennifer- wife and mom, dreaming of country living
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#4 of 6 Old 12-10-2008, 08:47 PM
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i felt like i was reading my own words there. that is EXACTLY what is going on w/ me...w/ my dd it was towards her bio half sister who was 2.5 at the time my dd was born...i would rage at her like no tomorrow and feel totally in love w/ her or totally disgusted in/fed up w/ her presence (i had her F/T while my ex was gone gallavanting around...). and now its towards my dd who is now 6 yrs old and i do not feel that way towards my ds who is one years old. so its a bigger kid thing that triggers this apathy in me.

but moreso, i have had untreated bipolar to some degree within the bipolar 'spectrum' and am now started on lamictal and am also on zoloft. i highly recommend you go see someone...often there are 'baby blues' aka PPD programs thru the hospitals (i got on one and have been on it thru a grant for a year now) and/or i also highly recommend psychiatric mental health nurses...many are in private practice. i love mine!!! i don't recommned a general practitioner or just an antidepressant for this sort of mood swing of a thing. something bigger is going on chemically/emotionally/mentally for you and you need help, imho.

don't be afraid to talk to those that can help you. i was so afaid my kids would be taken from me if i admitted some of the rageful moments i've had w/ my dd...but really if you are seeking help and KNOW you have a problem and want to heal and be help your self, they value that.

hang in there...i know how weird it is to KNOW you adore your child(ren) yet feel like you are disgusted in them and fed up being with them. it isn't natural for me and i finally had to get on different meds.

hugs. : you are certainly not alone or crazy. this is more common than we hear about.
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#5 of 6 Old 12-11-2008, 01:04 AM
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Wow, I so hear what you are saying. I have been going through a very similar thing lately. I know for me this is triggered by anxiety. I am particularly anxious about something happening to my family especially my husband and kids. I think the moments when I love my kids the most are also the moments when I realize how vulnerable they are and how fragile life is. Sometimes, that deep love that I feel for my kids just overwhelms me and my anxiety kicks in almost as a protective mechanism. At those times I feel pretty disconnected from them and I hate that feeling. I can tell you that seeing a therapist is really helping. I have not taken meds to deal with this do I can't speak for that. However, for me it really helps to know that my anxiety is probably a distraction my brain is creating to protect itself from something that is even more of a threat, like the thought of losing my family. I know that talking with a therapist helps me because every time we dig deeper to figure out what going on my anxiety improves tremendously. I guess this was the long way of saying that I think seeing someone would be a great idea. I think if you are interested in meds I would see a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse practitioner. As far as talk therapy, I think how well you click with a therapist is more important then what degree they have. Also, please know that you are not alone and that one way or another you will feel better!
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#6 of 6 Old 12-11-2008, 12:30 PM
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you know, the more i ponder this detachment stuff, i have realized my mother does this with me...still. for her it is protective too...when she feels scared for me/worried for me (or for herself i think) she gets really mean and numb towards me...well she shuts off emotionally and is avoidant and cold. i don't know what she feels but that is how it comes off to me. i think she also fears 'feeling' close to me as she lost her own mother at age 6 and that is a hard thing to get over...i don't think one ever does...so it probably is really scary to be close to me for her...and even azillion times scary when she worries for me and the kids and for herself. i never thought of it as anxiety though but i guess that is what it is. thank you for the revelation.
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