Let's see if anyone has advice on THIS....... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 9 Old 01-15-2009, 09:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know quite how to put all of this, but I do need advice. I've reached a place in my life where I think I've made the choice to be a mother for all the wrong reasons. These feelings have been going on for over a year now, so it's not just a sudden occurance. I'm in a dead-end marriage, and it's been that way since before my children were born 11 years ago. I was one of those stupid ones who thought that having a family would someone fill that missing void in my life and make everything better somehow. Now, I am so sad about things that I'm falling into really bad depression. Here's the list of issues going on:

1- I can't stand my husband and I don't love him anymore. I haven't loved him for many years now, but I am so financially strapped to him that I have no clue as how to support myself and 4 other children. I have to get drunk in order to stomach sex with him. I have become great at faking being happy around him. Almost to the point where I have blurred the lines between fantasy and reality on this issue. We fight about everything, and he has a horrible temper. He fights with our 11 year old twins constantly. He once pushed our daughter across the carport because she wasn't moving fast enough after he thought a fight started between her and her brother. I told him if he ever did it again, I would leave for sure. I was recently sick with a migraine, sinus infection, and painful ear infection a couple of weeks ago. He told the kids it was all their fault I was sick because they fight so much and won't listen to me. He said that I don't really mean it I say thank you for the things they make me; i.e., mother's day cards, etc. They swore me to secrecy because if I tell my husband what they say, he goes back to them and yell's even worse. My son is starting to have panic attacks. We won't even get into the fact that he is extremely neurotic over everything the children eat. He is an acupuncturist and he is constantly yelling at the kids about what they are and are not suppose to eat. Now my 11 year dd was caught stealing candy at school on Monday and lying about it.

2. I don't have any financial means of than taking care of my family if I leave him. After my husband finished his masters degree, I was suppose to finish my bachelor's in multimedia. That never happened because I had to stay at home with my children while he opened his clinic in another town one hour away. I tried going back to school, but it was so far away that it was hard on the children at that age going back and forth to the day care center. Then I had my third child and it all but went out the window. We sold our house and moved a couple of times. I finally started taking classes online, but I took a break so that I could concentrate on our move to Florida over the summer. My husband decided he hated it here and thus, we focused (very stressfully) on moving somewhere else. I changed my FAFSA so many times that I can't remember what college I last put on the thing! We/he decided to stay here, but I can't start back until summer, but I have to schedule my classes around the new clinic he is opening here because he wants me to work in that full-time. He has wanted me to focus my energies toward a career in the clinic (massage, acupuncture, etc.), and do web-design on the side.

3- I have no friends. I haven't had a friend in 17 years since I met my husband. He's the type that puts down pretty much anyone I try to make a contact with. My parents live 2 hours away, but yet he pitches a fit if I want to go see them with the kids. He always wants to wait until we can all go as a family. See, my parents think we should divorce and he knows this. He also thinks they are fundamentalist Taliban Christians too. This is a constant issue with him. I had a friend of mine from high school finally track me down and she called me last night. When I told him, his comment was "oh the lesbian - that's a great friend to have around the kids". I talk every week to my mother, but that's it; no one else to talk to. But there is only so much dumping on my 76 year old mother I can do without sending her over the edge. There's not much she can do here.

4- Our credit is shot all to hell. He likes having the credit cards, but when times got tough a few years back, he decided that it was a corporate scam and refused to make any more payments on either of our credit cards. He had 5, I had 2. His balances were maxed in the thousands, mine had a few hundred dollars on them. He doesn't mind taking the money, he just doesn't think he owes anybody anything since the system is rigged anyway. (?????) He forced us to move out of our home in Georgia when we only had 2 months left on the lease in order to be closer to one of his clinics in Alabama. Now I'm being sued for over 5 grand because the lease was in my name. He won't leave if it's in his name - we already been down that route before. You ask why I didn't say no? My husband started studying psychology when he was 12 years old. When I say he is a master at manipulation, that's not even scratching the surface of what he can do. After being with him for 17 years, I just learned a couple of months ago (after getting him drunk in order to fish for info), that he has spent a total of one week in elementary school, 3 days in middle school, and none in high school. Now will you tell me how he managed to get a masters degree? It's in the art of manipulating and conning to get what you want and need out of life. He found a perfect sucker in me!!!! Now he's working the kids and they don't know if they are coming or going.

5- Can't afford a therapist. Can't get one through our insurance either. NEED to discuss my private hell and pain with someone, but have no one. Was on Lexapro for 9 months but I had to quit cold turkey when I was pregnant with my fourth child. Oh, that was not pretty. Why 4 kids you say with all this going on? Let's see, I can't take the pill, or it's related sisters because of severe side effects I've had in the past. I used the spermacide and I broke out in a bad rash (thought I had herpes, LOL), twice. Tried a few other things, but my body just does not like birth control so it was left to my husband. Bad idea. The twins were planned, the other two came around the time I was thinking about leaving my husband. I was depressed all through the 4th pregnancy, because it came as such a shock and I honestly felt I couldn't handle 4 kids. I was literally parked at the abortion clinic, but couldn't go through with it.

6- My inner rage is out of control. I cannot contain feelings of rage about all this anymore. I constantly yell and constantly apologize to the kids for yelling. I have absolutely no patience for anything the kids do anymore. At this point in time, I don't even want to be around them anymore. I actually questioned whether or not I loved them anymore. I couldn't feel anything for them. It's all making me so crazy and so sad that I almost drove my van off a bridge the other day. Not because I wanted to kill myself, but just so I could do something so extreme to get away from all this! I am just so angry all the time about how my life has progressed to this point.

I buy the kids things, they tear them up almost as soon as they get them. I purchased $200 curtains for my daughters room; they used them as swinging vines and ripped them from the wall leaving gapping holes. The twins have a constantly chore of doing the dishes after dinner each night. Since they were 8, they fight and scream every single night about doing them and who is doing what. Are they getting some of their actions from their mom and dad? Sure they are, but my husband says I'm wrong that they are just spoiled and determined to bring the whole house down. We are officially broke since my husband has sat around for almost 7 months trying to determine if he wants to stay here or move. We've gone through over half our savings, but not all that was spent on living expenses. I just found out that he spent hundreds on wood working tools (he said it was to possible fix up the clinic in Alabama), antique furniture for the clinic that he bought at an estate sale (he says he only $100 on 2 complete living room sets - BS!), and over $3000 on herbs for the clinic. I told him we couldn't afford that right now. Oh, BTW, I have NO CLUE where the savings is! He has that hidden and I have no clue where it is or how much is left.

Could I go on - OOOOHHH YESSSSS! I haven't even scratched the surface of this miserable soap opera called my life. All I know is that I am angry, sad, depressed, have no friends, no money, no life, no career, ungrateful kids (that's only gonna get worse), and a manipulating, con-artist of a husband. I have NO CLUE what to do. If I leave, I have 4 kids to support and no income (unless I go to Wal-Mart's for $5 a hour).

You have an advice on this one???????
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#2 of 9 Old 01-16-2009, 12:18 AM
 
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I could not read without replying. I am so sorry you are in the situation you describe.

I do not have a silver bullet answer, of course, but I do know that you need a plan to change this situation in important ways. It seems to me you badly need some autonomy. Sounds as though your husband has a tremendous amount of financial control (and is using it badly). Rather than the all or nothing question of "can I leave -- how would I support 5 people?," how about starting with "I need a part time job, just because I do." Get one, and open an account, and save most of the money, so if you need some breathing room, you know you have it. Get the most interesting part time job you can find ... which may be scintillating, or it may not, but either way, it is the beginning of the road to a better place.

I suspect that if you have more (current or future) autonomy you will feel better about yourself, and if you feel better about yourself, your relationship with your kids will improve almost without you realizing what you are doing differently. They will be able to discern that you are taking some control of your life.

Taking a part time job does not in itself solve all your problems in one fell swoop. But it is the beginning of a road toward other possibilities. A little emergency cushion that is just yours will help with anxieties about "what if," I imagine. One step at a time. Get yourself a little room to breathe. After you can breathe, you will be in a better place to ask the bigger questions about what you can/should do to make your life a happier one.

Hugs.

Loving Lucy Amelia
"light makes it better"
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#3 of 9 Old 01-16-2009, 12:58 AM
 
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He doesn't sound like he's going to change. He doesn't sound like he wants to change. And he sounds scary. Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer. Legal Aid, whatever. I'd get copies of any and all paperwork I can and hide them somewhere out of the house. (Safe deposit box in your name only?) When my MIL's marriage counselor told her she was married to a sociopathic abuser, she recommended that MIL get a post office box and never tell FIL about it, so she could get mail from a lawyer, bank statements, etc.



I wish I knew what to tell you. I guess I'd ask you...ignore all the logistics, the fear, the what ifs. What do you want your life to be like in 5 years? 10 years? How about the lives of your children? OK, get optimistically realistic. What can you do to get there, or as close to it as possible? It won't be easy, but nothing's impossible.
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#4 of 9 Old 01-16-2009, 05:44 AM
 
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well how long do you want to have things be this way? I jumped off a cliff and left my mentally ill partner took my three kids and decided homelessness would be better. I was sinking and he started hurting my oldest, if I couldn't do it for me I did it for my kids. there are free therapists-find them and have one help you through this process. Or insist you and your husband get therapy. If you leave him he will no doubt be paying child support. Go back to school somewhere that has student family housing, it is cheap-live off of student loans.
You will figure this out it might take some time, but don't give up. Does not having any friends for almost two decades set off alarms? I've been there. It isn't easy to change but it is better
good luck
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#5 of 9 Old 01-16-2009, 07:59 AM
 
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Oh momma! I am so sorry about all this! This must be so painfull, harmfull and nauseating(sp) to watch and live. This situation is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. You need help.

I like the part time job aspect. Make sure you find a babysitter for the kids- don't leave them with DH while you work. There are places that will help you pay for support.

Also try to find the paperwork pertaining to money- and make copies. That was a good suggestion.

Get your birth certificates and SS cards safe too.


Look, you have given birth to 4 wonderful children (sure they are having issues right now- aren't you???) and they need their mother now more than ever. You ARE strong. You ARE smart. You ARE capable. You will be able to find a job that will support yourself and your children, you soon to be ex-husband will pay child support and possibley alimony and if not there ARE social programs that will help you! That's what they are for!!!

My GUT instinct is to take your children to your parents house or a domestic violence shelter and file a restraining order. File for divorce. File for sole custody.

How can your children learn to LOVE, in a love less home? to CARE, in a home of anger/hate? to have a normal Marriage, when yours is fake???

This is going to be HARD. It's going to be dirty and yucky and sometimes you are going to want to quit- but you will be FREE. You will be able to have friends that love you! You will KNOW how much money you have! You will have the freedom to see your parents and eat whatever you want!! You will have the opportunity to let your children be children while they can! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave safely!!! leave quietly! LEAVE NOW!!!

I'm so sorry momma. You CAN do this. YOU CAN!!! I am here for you anytime! You CAN.

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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#6 of 9 Old 01-16-2009, 08:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yarngoddess View Post
Oh momma! I am so sorry about all this! This must be so painfull, harmfull and nauseating(sp) to watch and live. This situation is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. You need help.

I like the part time job aspect. Make sure you find a babysitter for the kids- don't leave them with DH while you work. There are places that will help you pay for support.

Also try to find the paperwork pertaining to money- and make copies. That was a good suggestion.

Get your birth certificates and SS cards safe too.


Look, you have given birth to 4 wonderful children (sure they are having issues right now- aren't you???) and they need their mother now more than ever. You ARE strong. You ARE smart. You ARE capable. You will be able to find a job that will support yourself and your children, you soon to be ex-husband will pay child support and possibley alimony and if not there ARE social programs that will help you! That's what they are for!!!

My GUT instinct is to take your children to your parents house or a domestic violence shelter and file a restraining order. File for divorce. File for sole custody.

How can your children learn to LOVE, in a love less home? to CARE, in a home of anger/hate? to have a normal Marriage, when yours is fake???

This is going to be HARD. It's going to be dirty and yucky and sometimes you are going to want to quit- but you will be FREE. You will be able to have friends that love you! You will KNOW how much money you have! You will have the freedom to see your parents and eat whatever you want!! You will have the opportunity to let your children be children while they can! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave safely!!! leave quietly! LEAVE NOW!!!

I'm so sorry momma. You CAN do this. YOU CAN!!! I am here for you anytime! You CAN.
I COMPLETELY agree with everything you just said.

While reading this, all I could think was that you need to get you and the kids the heck out of there! I was in a relationship several years ago, that by no means was anywhere near yours, but the man was the same. He was a pathological liar and EXTREMELY manipulative. But I figured out what he was doing and started breaking away from him. He started threatening violence. I didn't hesitate to file a restraining order. I was also referred to a Hubbard House type place that was ready and willing to be right there. They gave me advice on what to do, had a safe place for me to go, and even had a free moving truck to help me move my stuff if I needed it. I even went to their place for a counseling session and man, they have that place under lock and key.

They will be there for you girl. Please just give them a call to see what they can do to help you get out of that horrible situation. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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#7 of 9 Old 01-21-2009, 10:09 PM
 
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How do you eat an elephant?....one bite at a time. Try sticking with just "today". When I got in a similiar trap I got so frantic with all the insanity that I couldn't see answers if they had been velcroed to me. There are social services in all moderate communities, there are Alanon meetings, there are abuse hotlines. Start with just one thing, focus on that just for today. Breathe. Then take those other ladies' advice, all of which was good. And know, you're not alone.
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#8 of 9 Old 02-05-2009, 12:27 AM
 
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please explore local resources like community mental health
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#9 of 9 Old 02-05-2009, 12:32 AM
 
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To save your sanity and the future of your children please see a mental health therapist as soon as you can. I am sure you already know this but this does not bond well for the children or their outcomes for that matter. They are also easier to work with before hitting 15 yrs.
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