Anyone else have BPD? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-13-2012, 08:21 AM
 
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Ok I am just going to use this thread to get this all off my chest and so I can look back and remind myself why why why I have to take these meds- sorry if this is chaotic.

 

Ok So my house is a disaster- I got laundry going and started the first load of dishes- I would guess there are 3 loads of dishes I have the rest all in the sink tho- except these mugs on the desk.

I found out this morning that my son has an honors program at the school we should go to so I have to go to that than clean a house( thats what I do for a living- a very meager living right now) anyhow- I am really trying to pull it together so I don't ruin my new relationship cause its great and he is great.... he has been out of town and I know that is a trigger and i should have planned better about it.  He is texting now and I did tell him I quit taking my medicine.

GAWD- what If I freak out on him- I almost think I should tell him to stay away this week.... but damn it I missed him so much and that seems irrational too.

Ok... I am going to just go fold some laundry and pick up stuff off floor in living room....

I have tears streaming down my face I am so so so stupid. I am mentally ill and that medicine make s me normal- I would rather have to go to the gym and be normal.

OK....Thanks for letting me vent- this is what the inside of my craziness looks like... oh and anyone else say I wish I was normal than the therapist says  no one is normal and want to slap them across the face?  I hate that line- it totally minimizes what we go thru.

 

 


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Old 01-13-2012, 08:29 AM
 
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I went off my meds too about two months ago.  It caught up to me after about a month.  I got back on them and after about a week now I'm feeling somewhat on more stable ground.  It sucks though.  I gained 35lbs from my medication and the only way to keep the weight off is to go to the gym five days a week and be extremely OCD about my food intake.  It's just not feasible between the kids, school, and life.  Going to the gym twice a week did nothing and the weight crept back up and here I am again, back where I was.

 

Sometimes the only way I can tackle the house is to set a timer.  When I'm feeling good I can set it for 30 minutes and clean and then get a 30 minute break, but sometimes i have to set it for 10 or even 5 minutes.  but it's amazing how much you can get done in such a short amount of time if you just stick to one room.  I also make lists and check each item off as it's completed.  I don't make a huge list of everythign that needs to be done though.  I'll just stick to one room.  Unload dishwasher, load dishwasher, wipe down counters, wash pots, sweep floor, etc...some days I finish a room, some days I don't.  Some days I finish several rooms, do a couple loads of laundry, and prepare a from scratch dinner.  It's just so hit or miss.

 

Big hugs to you. 

 

Back before I got help for myself I blogged something and I read it to myself from time to time, especially when I'm struggling with my self image.  Basically said I would take any drug I had to if it would give me some good years with my children even if it meant limiting my life.  I'd rather have ten good years with them than a lifetime of misery.  So what's 30, 40, 50 pounds compared to living and experiencing life?


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Old 01-13-2012, 09:07 AM
 
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Very true MM.... I am going to try to get the nerve up to go to the gym cause I hate my size right now but what I hate more is being unstable.

 


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Old 01-13-2012, 09:36 AM
 
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Yeah, you should definitely worry about getting stable before stressing about weight and stuff like that.  One perk of exercising regularly is that it's supposed to help with your mood.  I don't know if it really helped my mood exactly, I think it just wore me out to the point of not caring (I did some pretty hardcore exercising like cycle marathons and classes).


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Old 01-13-2012, 11:08 AM
 
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Doing much better got some housework done!  YAY!  Ok...off to the school then to work then to pick up kids thanks for support.


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Old 01-13-2012, 05:56 PM
 
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Sorry..I've been out all day so didn't see all this till now!  Sorry you were feeling so crappy Mom31!  I'm glad you are feeling better and I hope you find stable ground soon!


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Old 01-13-2012, 06:37 PM
 
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How old were you guys when you were diagnosed?  I was 30, which is really uncommon.  It's usually diagnosed in the late teens, early twenties.


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Old 01-13-2012, 07:05 PM
 
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I got a official diagnosis at 30. I was told a few times before and never went back cause I would not accept it.


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Old 01-13-2012, 07:32 PM
 
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GatorMom thanks for asking :)  I am doing better now.  It will take a while from what I hear to get back to the level of meds I was on but I cleaned up my house some and got some other things done.


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Old 01-13-2012, 07:33 PM
 
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Oh and I weighed today and sure enough I lost 3 lbs to bad I really do need this medicine. Anyone know anything about Geodone?  I have heard it is similar to abilify with not as bad of weight gain.


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Old 01-13-2012, 07:34 PM
 
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To get some conversation going on here- I have a few questions....

 

1... what were you like as children and teens?

2... when did you first get counseling, see a psych, etc

3. ...did you always know something was wrong?  if not when did you "know"


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Old 01-13-2012, 08:45 PM
 
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Oh and I weighed today and sure enough I lost 3 lbs to bad I really do need this medicine. Anyone know anything about Geodone?  I have heard it is similar to abilify with not as bad of weight gain.


I was on geodon for over a year.  It worked great and I had very few side effects until it began to rise my prolactin levels.  My pdoc had never heard of any other case of this happening.  I stopped menstruating and started lactating.  It was freaky.  This is a VERY rare side effect so don't discredit the drug entirely because I had a negative experience.  I honestly considered staying on the drug and just dealing with the side effects (hey, less periods!) but ultimately I felt it would be healthier to find other options.  My weight was stabilized during my use of geodon.  I didn't gain,but I also didn't lose.

 


 

Quote:
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To get some conversation going on here- I have a few questions....

 

1... what were you like as children and teens?

2... when did you first get counseling, see a psych, etc

3. ...did you always know something was wrong?  if not when did you "know"


1.  I was extremely abused.  I was a cutter.  As a child I was extremely shy and didn't interact with the outside world.  I lived in books and stayed in my own world (after my mom's suicide.  I was normal up until that point).

 

2.  I didn't start seeing a therapist until I was 21 and in such a deep depression that I didn't leave my house for six months.  It didn't really help.

 

3.  Yeah, I knew something was wrong when I was a teenager.  I had a brief period of time as an older teen/20 when I didn't have any issues.  During that time I was using ecstasy and acid heavily and deeply involved in the rave scene.  I'd finally found acceptance and people truly seemed to care about me and what I'd been through.  I strongly believe that there are some very valuable therapeutic benefits to ecstasy.  I had a lot of breakthroughs and I think that's what led to me falling into a deep depression.  I was finally faced to force teh completely f-d up upbringing I'd gone through (fundy christian, daily beatings, raising my siblings, and basically being a slave to my family).  about that time is when I knew I wasn't right, but I bootstrapped for years.

 

I think it finally truly clicked when I was screaming at my 3 y/o DS and he told me "I don't like you mommy, you're mean."  It was a slap in the face.  I realized that I had some very serious issues and that's when I sought help.

 


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Old 01-14-2012, 10:45 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

To get some conversation going on here- I have a few questions....

 

1... what were you like as children and teens?

2... when did you first get counseling, see a psych, etc

3. ...did you always know something was wrong?  if not when did you "know"



1. As a kid I was pretty shy, low self esteem.  I'm a bit abnormal in that I wasn't abused per se.  I had a really mean grandma who told me what a fuck up I was all the time and a dad who had a lot of borderline traits himself..so most of my traits are learned.  I was kind of a perfectionist as a kid (and still am) I had very high expectations of myself and felt like a failure when i didn't live up to them.  ie.  my mom held me back in kindergarten because I was getting so upset for not being able to do the same things as the teacher.  For instance, I wanted to be able to glue in little dots like she did and I couldn't, so I had meltdowns over it.  I started cutting and scratching myself as a teen (once carved 'I am bored' into my leg while I was camping with my family).  I had a lot of melt downs as a teen too and I was extremely controlling of my friends...which pushed them away, which infuriated me...lol.

 

2.  I saw my first psychiatrist as a teen.  He just diagnosed me as having an anxiety disorder and having panic attacks.  For the past 15 years until 4 months ago, I thought I was actually having panic attacks. 

 

3.  I knew that I was emotionally labile and that I had a lot harder time letting things go than other people, but other then that, thought I was pretty normal for a lot time.  I hung on to that anxiety diagnosis for a long time...for the past 15 years, until I took my psych nursing class and met a bunch of borderline patients and realized that my 'panic attacks' were just like their rage attacks.  I was seeing a therapist with my husband at the time, but he didn't really address it.  I started seeing someone from my school, who also didn't really do anything.  I have my first apt. with a new therapist today who I've seen a couple of times with DH and shows that she actually understands BPD and how she is suppose to treat me and help so. 


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Old 01-14-2012, 01:23 PM
 
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1.as a little kid I was introvetred and dramatic at the same time- read a lot- I mean a lot.  I look at it now as my way of coping...back then.

I was not terribly abused but emotionally and mentally by entire family and physically by my brother-

My friends called me a spazz.... and I can remember spazzing out quite a bit.

2. I started seeing counselors after a suicide attempt at 14.  Till they wanted to do family counseling and my parents all of a sudden could not afford to pay....

3. I knew something was wrong- more than depression- for a long long time but was to scared to deal with it.


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Old 01-14-2012, 07:45 PM
 
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1.as a little kid I was introvetred and dramatic at the same time- read a lot- I mean a lot.  I look at it now as my way of coping...back then.

I was not terribly abused but emotionally and mentally by entire family and physically by my brother-

My friends called me a spazz.... and I can remember spazzing out quite a bit.

2. I started seeing counselors after a suicide attempt at 14.  Till they wanted to do family counseling and my parents all of a sudden could not afford to pay....

3. I knew something was wrong- more than depression- for a long long time but was to scared to deal with it.



That is what my dad told me when I started seeing the psychiatrist back in high school too.  I just found out a couple of months ago that my mom didn't even know that he told me that.  He told me he'd been depressed and anxious his whole life and that I should basically just suck it up.  Then a year later he had a sex change and got hundreds of hours of counseling for that...go figure.


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Old 01-14-2012, 07:53 PM
 
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The new therapist seems like she may have some helpful stuff to say..we'll see.  I'm suppose to carry around a notebook everywhere I go and write down any catastrophic types of thoughts I have.  She says if I can challenge them, then to do so and if not, to put a big question mark.  She wants to know how good I am doing at seeing things objectively..like, do I realize that I'm having a thought disturbance or not...


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Old 01-14-2012, 08:35 PM
 
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I first was told at 28, didn't accept my dx until I was 32.

 

Ladies, I got a dog last week. My own dog.  I have lived with dogs before, but this one is mine.  She was neglected, chained in a cattle barn, covered in cow muck. 

 

I am in love and nothing else I have ever done has had a greater impact on my mood and well being than getting this dog.  Not saying I can chuck my meds or anything but HUGE improvement.


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Old 01-14-2012, 09:43 PM
 
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That is AWESOME harrietsmama!!!  I have getting a dog on my vision board for this year!  I want to graduate from college (finally!), get a job, a bigger place and a DOG that is like the icing on the cake..lol.


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Old 01-15-2012, 06:19 AM
 
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I rescued a dog this year.  We already had a dog, but he bonded with DS.  I'm more of a cat person myself (my cat baby died this summer, right after I found the dog) but this dog has bonded to me and the love she shows is just so amazing.  I love that little rat like thing.


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Old 01-15-2012, 08:48 AM
 
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We just had a rescue that we re homed. :) He was a sweetie but he was not housebroken and caused me lots of stress.


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Old 01-15-2012, 08:49 AM
 
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Right now being off my meds is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. This is the healthiest relationship I have ever had. Mama's over at my private dating thread know I am off my meds and being a great great support but I am so worried I am going to mess things up.


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Old 01-15-2012, 11:48 AM
 
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So I just found out I'm pregnant the other day and I'm really glad my pdoc started me on latuda because he specifically mentioned that it's safe for pregnancy (well L2).  I looked up my antidepressant and it seems to be okay too.  I have an appointment on Tuesday so I'll talk to him then.  I'm really scared because I go CAH-RAY-ZEE when I'm pregnant.  When I got pregnant with DD I didn't know but I had an episode where I was trying to park in a spot and the lot attendant told me to park somewhere else.  I FREAKED out, flipped her The Bird, and burned rubber out of the parking lot.  I immediately went and got a pregnancy test and had a positive.

 

So far I'm stable (I wasn't medicated during my other pregnancies) and I'm really surprised because by this point I was raging and freaking out (I'm about 6 weeks).


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Old 01-15-2012, 11:49 AM
 
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CONGRATS MM!  I am done having kids and going to get my tubes tied.


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Old 01-15-2012, 12:47 PM
 
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Yeah I'm done too and have (had) a paragard IUD but I got a quick exam at my clinic when I called and told them I was pregnant with an IUD and they confirmed that it isn't there anymore so apparently it decided to beat feet at some point.


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Old 01-15-2012, 10:07 PM
 
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congrats milk_maker!!  I hope this pg goes smoothly the rest of the way!  I want to have another (I only have 1 so far), but with all the stress I'm having with school and worrying about finding a job after graduation, DH and I decided to put that plan on hold a few more months..


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Old 01-16-2012, 09:16 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

To get some conversation going on here- I have a few questions....

 

1... what were you like as children and teens?

2... when did you first get counseling, see a psych, etc

3. ...did you always know something was wrong?  if not when did you "know"



1.  I was very strange and depressed as a child.  I had external events happening though.  Bounced back & forth, sexual abuse, verbal & emotional abuse.

 

2.  at ten.

 

3. I always felt as if I were an outsider, but I didn't accept my dx until I was about 32ish.  Looking back I had episodes as young as 15.


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Old 01-23-2012, 07:31 AM
 
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INteresting how a lot of us did not accept it until we were in our thirties.

1.How old are you all now?

2.How old are your kids?

3.How do you feel BPD effects your parenting ability?

 

1.  I am 31.

2.  My kids are 6 and 8.

3.  Where do I begin?  I can't handle stress, I have mood instability- ( luckily medicated and much better but man) I am easily distracted- or use distractions to cope and that leaves me unattentive and distant, easily angered or easily blocking everything out( ie kids fighting - ignore it instead of stepping in) forget things like picking up school supplies etc.

Some of this may be from my ADHD.... and lack of proper nutrition.  I am working on both of those things now

The hardest part is I am a single mom six hours from any family- I need help and I don't have any. I have a new boyfriend who is starting to come over around bed time to help me get my kids to bed- ie just being present in the house makes them listen to me.

Anyhow- today I just feel like a failure.... totally overwhelmed by my house and my kids and my simple life. I have simplified everything way past what it reasonable and still I can't cope.

 

I lived in Chronic pain for 2 years and thought I was getting better- well it is creeping back, I need to get a massage i think... where to get the money tho- maybe boyfriend will gift it to me.... he always asks if I need anything.


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Old 01-23-2012, 10:00 AM
 
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1. 30

2. DH will be 5 in March

3. I feel like BPD doesn't get too much in the way of my parenting.  It's way more of an issue in my marriage than anything.  The only times I find myself losing patience with Ds is when I am way over-tired/stressed and he is too and being totally unreasonable.  It totally interferes with my relationship to DH, however.  I fly off the handle at him over really stupid things and then get hung up on things.  I have to be really careful with not trying to control what he does and who he hangs out with.  I also find that I disassociate when we argue and I end up saying things that don't make sense because what is going on in my head/heart isn't coming out accurately from my mouth...and then the rage hits and I do stupid things like self harm, threaten suicide or threaten divorce if he doesn't do XYZ.

 

Mom31: That really sucks having your family so far away from you!  We have DH's family who I don't know how I'd do the whole school thing without.  They get DS out of the house when DH and I need a break and when I know that I am not being a good parent.  Have you looked into getting a massage at the local college?  We can do that here for like $25 (though I know that can even seem like a lot).  Or maybe your boyfriend would just give you one himself?  I can only imagine what living with chronic pain would do to your mood..I have some mild pain issues, but it doesn't usually persist.  I do know lots of people with it, however, and it really seems to interfere in their lives.


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Old 01-24-2012, 09:03 PM
 
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I think you meant ds will be 5 in March lol.

 


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Old 01-25-2012, 08:45 PM
 
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I think you meant ds will be 5 in March lol.

 



Oh yes I did...lol.  Freudian? 


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