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#61 of 72 Old 08-07-2009, 03:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just popping in to say hi. We have recently moved and I have generally been feeling great, and been really productive too. I have decided that I want to do as much as I can to enjoy life. Not as easy as it sounds of course, but I am trying my best.

Doublewhammy, that is a tough one. Just trust your instincts though, and DH needs to be supportive, obviously!

I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#62 of 72 Old 08-11-2009, 03:09 AM
 
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Papa de angel...If your DW is truly DID, it will probably take a professional to help her work on trust and attachment issues and possibly reintegrate her "selves" at some point. Not sure how it is in Spain, but perhaps there is an agency that does a sliding scale for fees? I am sure it is very draining for you if she dissociates often. It seems she has been thru something quite serious, I am very sorry.

In cases where she has a flashback but is still herself, she may be comforted by your stating who she is, where she is and that she is safe, and any other action she thinks will calm her. It may not be wise to touch her if there is any chance it might be understood as part of the event she is re-experiencing.

Momma to one small person I call Smoodgie :joy.gif
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#63 of 72 Old 08-11-2009, 02:32 PM
 
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mommydancer, I just checked in briefly and saw your post.

She recently saw a "state health" psychiatrist (for appraisal) who surprisingly dismissed her almost complete lack of childhood memories as somehow irrelevant and offered her a course of anti-depressant drug therapy. Either that or referral to a psychologist for possible therapy. She chose the latter and we are waiting to hear from them. I must say I was somewhat floored by the psychiatrist's reaction, though I wasn't actually present.

We do not know of any sliding scale fee payment option here.

Yes, it is very draining at times, though I don't mind a bit if some progress is made, however small. I know enough to realise that the degree of dissociation is somehow proportional to the original suffering which caused it. She knows that I "know".

I instinctively do what you're saying and tell her that she's safe and
absolutely hear what you're saying about touching or trying to get too close at the "wrong" moment. Thankfully, progress in terms of trust has been achieved over the years, and we've been able to turn that around on many occasions. But not always. A powerful flashback will put her in a time capsule, which is when "all radio contact (with the present) is lost".

Through long hours of supportive dialogue, she understands a lot about how triggering works, but actually working with that knowledge is a real struggle for her.

Thanks for your post, and as I said, I intend, when work commitments allow, to get a thread going along these lines. Maybe one day we'll find good therapy, but I can't help asking myself what can be done at home in the meantime. There is a great deal of love and support here.

doublewhammy, I hope things worked out ok.
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#64 of 72 Old 08-14-2009, 05:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Looks like I might have found a place where therapy is offered for free by volunteers. Still thinking whether or not to contact them. Status quo is working somehow, opening up old wounds scares me.

Doublewhammy, how have you been?

I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#65 of 72 Old 12-08-2009, 05:10 PM
 
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Glad I found this thread. Looks like it needs a little revival. I skimmed through this, and see many different reasons for the PTSD in our lives. Mine is due to sexual assault many years ago, which then lead me down the road of worthlessness as I chose partners who weren't good for me. Finally, I hit the jackpot by choosing a man who did a complete about face and went from loving me to threatening my life, literally in a matter of days. Lots of verbal, emotional abuse and the physical was starting to get serious. The abuse started because I was pregnant and wouldn't terminate.

I trigger easily now. I can't stand violent movies, hearing ppl yelling and screaming either adults or adults threatening children. People talking of guns, bar fights, abusive relationships, are all triggers. I like to hide out in my house all day rather than risk a trigger. I don't trust ppl as a general rule. My own DD triggers me when she hits or kicks me. My problem is that like most people who have that piece that says "take a deep breath, count to 10" or whatever after something like that..... I don't have that anymore. I respond and hit back. I'm deeply ashamed of it, and it's even harder to admit here on MDC, the gentle discipling ppl that we are. I get easily angered beyond what is appropriate to the situation. I feel like a complete mess. I am in counseling and have been honest with my counselor about all of this. I'm also on meds now for it too. I'm not hurting my daughter to the point that it was be officially abuse, but to me it's the worst thing in the world.

So hoping to join in the support so we can all heal from this.
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#66 of 72 Old 12-08-2009, 07:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Theia View Post
Glad I found this thread. Looks like it needs a little revival. I skimmed through this, and see many different reasons for the PTSD in our lives. Mine is due to sexual assault many years ago, which then lead me down the road of worthlessness as I chose partners who weren't good for me. Finally, I hit the jackpot by choosing a man who did a complete about face and went from loving me to threatening my life, literally in a matter of days. Lots of verbal, emotional abuse and the physical was starting to get serious. The abuse started because I was pregnant and wouldn't terminate.

I trigger easily now. I can't stand violent movies, hearing ppl yelling and screaming either adults or adults threatening children. People talking of guns, bar fights, abusive relationships, are all triggers. I like to hide out in my house all day rather than risk a trigger. I don't trust ppl as a general rule. My own DD triggers me when she hits or kicks me. My problem is that like most people who have that piece that says "take a deep breath, count to 10" or whatever after something like that..... I don't have that anymore. I respond and hit back. I'm deeply ashamed of it, and it's even harder to admit here on MDC, the gentle discipling ppl that we are. I get easily angered beyond what is appropriate to the situation. I feel like a complete mess. I am in counseling and have been honest with my counselor about all of this. I'm also on meds now for it too. I'm not hurting my daughter to the point that it was be officially abuse, but to me it's the worst thing in the world.

So hoping to join in the support so we can all heal from this.
Thank you so much for sharing, welcome. I am glad your revived this thread.

I just came here tonight by chance (thinking the thread was "dead"), and I have to admit to thinking many times, over these past few years, that PTSD is something one carries around for the rest of their lives; a burden, a weight on your shoulders. In the immediate aftermath of the trauma, I - like everyone, I suppose - was unaware of my behavior, reactions to situations, and a friend who have lived through similar traumas but years before me pointed out what it looked like, PTSD with its ugly face. He also pointed out there was light at the end of the PTSD tunnel, and life after PTSD. "Not for me," I thought, thinking my feelings would never fade away, and that there was no cure. In fact, many times, I thought I should just stop dwelling on it, accept that this was now a part of me, and carry it with dignity and honor, not like a sissy.

Well tonight, after a few months of life changing events, in a positive sense, I was lying in bed next to my sleeping, beautiful children, the baby with his face on my chest, the older one subtly smiling in her sleep. And I thought to myself that yes, there is life after PTSD; yes, things are getting better. The flashbacks are still there, the anger is still there. But not as much as before, and by looking deeply into myself and acknowledging that what happened was abnormal, that I had every "right" to be traumatized by what happened to me, I think I have started to heal. Yes, I can acknowledge even the events that were responsible for my PTSD that I directly participated in, directly caused, even those.

I am sure there will be plenty more bad days, plenty more setbacks, but at least tonight I feel like there is light at the other side of the PTSD tunnel, and I can begin to move on.

Theia, I too can relate to violent reactions to small triggers, to angry outbursts, and I am not proud of this part of what I became. This is what made me realize I needed Help, first and foremost. I need to be a good mom. I need to not pass this demon on to my children. I need them to look back at their childhood and realize I might have had these struggles, but I Wanted Out and sought help. I need that for me, as much as for them.

I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#67 of 72 Old 12-09-2009, 12:49 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MittensKittens View Post
Thank you so much for sharing, welcome. I am glad your revived this thread.


Theia, I too can relate to violent reactions to small triggers, to angry outbursts, and I am not proud of this part of what I became. This is what made me realize I needed Help, first and foremost. I need to be a good mom. I need to not pass this demon on to my children. I need them to look back at their childhood and realize I might have had these struggles, but I Wanted Out and sought help. I need that for me, as much as for them.
Thanks for you post. It was really good to hear. I do know it can get better, and I've only just started serious treatment. I've been out of my abusive relationship for a year and during that time was homeless because I didn't have any place else for DD and I to be. I was seeing a counselor then too, but she wasn't so much to help me for my PTSD as to just be a stabilizer, someone to tell me I'm not crazy when my triggers come up.

What you said about needing to be a good mom, and to not pass that demon on to your DC, that is where I am. I can see it, all the ways that I fall short of being the kind of Mom my DD needs me to be. And hopefully in a year or so I will be much closer, and less triggery. My counselor does tell me that DD (she comes to my appts cuz I don't have a care provider) is very well adjusted and very attached to me. So I know I'm a good Mom, but that darkside of me needs the light of day on it so I can see the what's and whys.

thanks for the response and warm feelings MK
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#68 of 72 Old 12-10-2009, 04:38 AM
 
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Hello everyone,
I would like to join. And right away ask some questions.

Two big questions for you all:
1.
I see other posts about having no childhood memories, and it not being "normal". What does this mean? Does it mean you are burying something? Or just that you have a bad memory? Or that you were under stress at the time, and since stress interferes with memory, you never absorbed the memories in the first place? ???

I have very very few childhood memories. Mostly quick flashes of visual memory - my drunk dad yelling at me on the stairs, being teased on the playground.... I went to Roman Catholic grade school, which was horrid, and all those stories about the incestuous priests, and I have often tried to think back and open myself up to the possibility that maybe I was one of those children. But I don't see it. I see the teasing by other kids, I see my loneliness in class, but I don't see sexual abuse. So not saying yes or no, not denial, just honestly do not know. Still, I wonder why I can't remember 1/10th of what my sister or friends remember about their child hoods.

2.
Once you have suffered from PTSD, do you then suffer from stress, depression, ptsd.... again in the future much easier and quicker? I mean if you had PTSD and then over several, or many, years, you healed and felt very well, but then years later you have a different traumatic event, will this other event cause you more damage, than say a person who only had the second event?

I had huge stress as a child. 1970's. Then over many years I slowly healed. I went to a good high school, good college, made friends. I became a confident adult, comfortable with myself.

But in 2004 my son was born, extremely traumatically, and I had bad PTSD - trigger happy, flashbacks, sleep deprivation, flat emotions... the whole thing. The first 6 months of my son's life I was not a real person, I was just a walking PTSD. I got myself a good therapist, I talked and wrote a memoir. I was not well, but I was well enough to understand how sick I was, and insisted on help for myself. Over several years I healed. It is a part of me, that birth, but I had been much, much better since 2006. In 2006 I had a DD, and this birth experience, though not "perfect", was very positive and empowering.

Then this fall work has been horrid. It has slowly gotten worse over time - mergers, mass firings, change in job position, lack of fair pay.... and then this fall my dear sweet husband (honestly the most sensitive, gentle man ever) yelled at our 2 yo and I felt like that helpless child and FREAKED. I was calm and clear to DH at the time about how inappropriate he was, but something inside me was riled up. I tried to carry on, but had 2 back to back stressful business trips and knew I was messed up. I needed sleeping pills to sleep, I forgot so many things. So I got 3 weeks sick leave from work and took good care of myself.

But now I wonder, if I hadn't had the PTSD in 2006, maybe this other work stress would not have become so huge and overwhelming? KWIM? Maybe if I hadn't felt powerless as a child, then DH's comments wouldn't have been such a trigger? I mean, once I have suffered trauma, maybe I am more susceptible to it now?
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#69 of 72 Old 12-30-2009, 06:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey mamas

I've been wanting to reply to this thread but have been going through a busy period. I wanted to wish you all a happy and peaceful new year.

I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#70 of 72 Old 12-30-2009, 07:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post
Hello everyone,
I would like to join. And right away ask some questions.

Two big questions for you all:
1.
I see other posts about having no childhood memories, and it not being "normal". What does this mean? Does it mean you are burying something? Or just that you have a bad memory? Or that you were under stress at the time, and since stress interferes with memory, you never absorbed the memories in the first place? ???

I have very very few childhood memories. Mostly quick flashes of visual memory - my drunk dad yelling at me on the stairs, being teased on the playground.... I went to Roman Catholic grade school, which was horrid, and all those stories about the incestuous priests, and I have often tried to think back and open myself up to the possibility that maybe I was one of those children. But I don't see it. I see the teasing by other kids, I see my loneliness in class, but I don't see sexual abuse. So not saying yes or no, not denial, just honestly do not know. Still, I wonder why I can't remember 1/10th of what my sister or friends remember about their child hoods.

2.
Once you have suffered from PTSD, do you then suffer from stress, depression, ptsd.... again in the future much easier and quicker? I mean if you had PTSD and then over several, or many, years, you healed and felt very well, but then years later you have a different traumatic event, will this other event cause you more damage, than say a person who only had the second event?

I had huge stress as a child. 1970's. Then over many years I slowly healed. I went to a good high school, good college, made friends. I became a confident adult, comfortable with myself.

But in 2004 my son was born, extremely traumatically, and I had bad PTSD - trigger happy, flashbacks, sleep deprivation, flat emotions... the whole thing. The first 6 months of my son's life I was not a real person, I was just a walking PTSD. I got myself a good therapist, I talked and wrote a memoir. I was not well, but I was well enough to understand how sick I was, and insisted on help for myself. Over several years I healed. It is a part of me, that birth, but I had been much, much better since 2006. In 2006 I had a DD, and this birth experience, though not "perfect", was very positive and empowering.

Then this fall work has been horrid. It has slowly gotten worse over time - mergers, mass firings, change in job position, lack of fair pay.... and then this fall my dear sweet husband (honestly the most sensitive, gentle man ever) yelled at our 2 yo and I felt like that helpless child and FREAKED. I was calm and clear to DH at the time about how inappropriate he was, but something inside me was riled up. I tried to carry on, but had 2 back to back stressful business trips and knew I was messed up. I needed sleeping pills to sleep, I forgot so many things. So I got 3 weeks sick leave from work and took good care of myself.

But now I wonder, if I hadn't had the PTSD in 2006, maybe this other work stress would not have become so huge and overwhelming? KWIM? Maybe if I hadn't felt powerless as a child, then DH's comments wouldn't have been such a trigger? I mean, once I have suffered trauma, maybe I am more susceptible to it now?
AllisonR - Sorry no one responded to your questions earlier. So I'll answer the best I can based only on personal experience and what my counselors have said.

I don't have clear memories of much of the abuse I experienced. Some of it only came back once I was out of danger and in a place to accept and recognize what had happened. When I was 16 I assume I was r@p3d. I say assume because I don't remember what happened after a certain point. I don't know for sure. I've tried to remember the whole incident. But I don't, I don't even remember anything else about that night, just the next day. And alcohol/drugs were not a factor. I think it is common to block these types of memories. I think in some cases these memories are blocked at the time of the incident, hence the inability to remember 'normal' events that surrounded the traumatic event(s).

It is also my understanding that once you have PTSD that you will always be more susceptible to triggers, depression, etc. I hope that with plenty of therapy and working on it that the symptoms lessen so as to be almost gone. I'm not sure it is ever gone though. But the event you described with your DH yelling at your child, and the feelings of helplessness it aroused in you are classic PTSD. And then being overwhelmed by work stresses shortly after that event is normal. The something that was riled up inside you, it is probably hyper-vigilance. I have that. After a triggering event I am hyper-vigilant like crazy. I am always on the watch for anything that might bring back those feelings of powerlessness and fear.

It's hard, but I'm still hopeful that I can overcome most of this to the point that I will not even trigger so easily. I know it's going to take work, but now that I am actually doing the work, now that I realize it's not something that I can do on my own, and that the consequences of continuing to ignore it are too great.... now I am going to do my best to find whatever my normal is without the PTSD hanging over me.




Best wishes to everyone for a productive and joyful New Year.
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#71 of 72 Old 01-01-2010, 05:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi AllisonR, welcome!

Quote:
1.
I see other posts about having no childhood memories, and it not being "normal". What does this mean? Does it mean you are burying something? Or just that you have a bad memory? Or that you were under stress at the time, and since stress interferes with memory, you never absorbed the memories in the first place? ???
I think this experience is a really common one. Our minds block out traumatic events automatically a lot of the time, I think, in a self protection effort. The trauma that caused my PTSD itself is quite clear in my mind, and I used to suffer from flashbacks a lot. But the time surrounding these events is a complete blur, and I am not able to remember some of the most basic things from that time. It is like there is a chunk missing from my life. On a rational level, I know what I did at the time, where I was and so on, but I am totally unable to bring back feelings and small details are just gone - I just remember that this was the time traumatic events happened, and that is all. The quick flashes of memory that you describe is exactly what I have. They come back one at the time, only to disappear into the background again.

Quote:
2.
Once you have suffered from PTSD, do you then suffer from stress, depression, ptsd.... again in the future much easier and quicker? I mean if you had PTSD and then over several, or many, years, you healed and felt very well, but then years later you have a different traumatic event, will this other event cause you more damage, than say a person who only had the second event?
I am easily triggered too, have got into spirals of negative thinking over periods of time and find it hard to beat that cycle.

I am sorry you are going through a rough patch at the moment. If you want to talk, we are here to listen.


I'm Olivia. I blog about physiological childbirth, homebirth, and unassisted homebirth!
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#72 of 72 Old 01-09-2010, 12:14 AM
 
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I'm glad this thread has been revived. I'm been very busy the last couple of months. My father-in-law died, and I went to Georgia to help settle his estate. I'm back in Montana now, after driving a U Haul across the country (alone!). Strange as it might sound, the return to my "ordinary" life has been pretty unsettling.

I'll write more when I can.
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