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#1 of 3 Old 05-21-2009, 03:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I apologize in advance for the length of this post I just can't keep all of this to myself anymore. I am currently approximately 29-30 weeks pregnant and I'm petrified at that thought that I might have antepartum depression. I show all the classic symptoms, along with a personal history of depression as well as what can only be described as a rocky relationship that teeters on the edge of falling completely apart at times, and seems picture perfect others. I have a history of spontaneous abortion, at approximately 4 months 2 years ago. I haven't been able to coordinate prenatal care because last year I elected not to renew my health benefits in favor of saving that little bit of money that I desperately needed. I make too much money to qualify for aid, but because I am the only income in the house ALL of my money goes to bills and I rarely if ever have money left that I can devote to prenatal care. Yes I realize how important it is, but I also recognize that it all means nothing if I can't eat or have a secure place to sleep with lights etc. I'm a nurse by trade, so I feel even more like crap over my lack of care and I know what it looks like to any future healthcare contacts that I have had to wait this long. I've done all I can to ensure my baby is safe, but there is a limit to my own personal abilities. Some days I don't really even feel that connected to the baby, and for that I feel like a horrible monster of a person. My insomnia keeps me WIDE awake in the night and makes me feel like a walking zombie during the day. I participate in and care about less and less as the days go by.I don't want to be this person, but as days go by I go barreling closer and closer to the point when I just fall off the edge. I'm trying to hold on but it's getting harder. I am reluctant, even despite all this, to go see a doctor because I've done this whole depression thing before, and yes the meds helped but I don't even really want to be on meds while pregnant and some days I feel like if I can only be happy and functional on pills, what good is it really?????

I don't even konw what I expect to gain out of posting this, but I really wanted to write it down, record these thoughts somewhere. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I wasn't such a dysfunctional mother. I'd do anything to be that "glowing mother" who dotes on her growing tummy instead of criticising it, wish I got excited about all of the motherly things I am getting ready to do, but mostly, I don't. Don't get me wrong, I care about this baby, I really do, I love it and I'm grateful for the second opportunity to have one, I just don't feel right, and despite all the medical background in the world, I'm scared, and I don't know what to do anymore.
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#2 of 3 Old 05-21-2009, 10:50 AM
 
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Please talk to someone about what you are feeling. Yes, it sounds like depression, and yes! THere are safe treatments while pregnant and nursing. Please check out www.postpartum.net for resources in your area. Feeling inadequate is part of depression. It's not you. It's your brain and it's a chemical problem that can be fixed! Please talk to your doctor (be very, very, honest) or have your doctor refer you to a therapist.

You sound like you have many symptoms of depression. How are you sleeping? How are you eating? What is your energy like? I think I know the answers, but sometimes people aren't aware that depression is more than feeling "sad". So much more.

Please either take the quiz posted here and take it to your doctor, or find a therapist in your area who specializes in this type of depression. There are MANY safe medications in pregnancy and nursing. You do not have to feel this way.

Mom to two beautiful boys, now in school to be a therapist and help other women with PPD.  
 

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#3 of 3 Old 06-01-2009, 11:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom0810 View Post
Please talk to someone about what you are feeling. Yes, it sounds like depression, and yes! THere are safe treatments while pregnant and nursing. Please check out www.postpartum.net for resources in your area. Feeling inadequate is part of depression. It's not you. It's your brain and it's a chemical problem that can be fixed! Please talk to your doctor (be very, very, honest) or have your doctor refer you to a therapist.

You sound like you have many symptoms of depression. How are you sleeping? How are you eating? What is your energy like? I think I know the answers, but sometimes people aren't aware that depression is more than feeling "sad". So much more.

Please either take the quiz posted here and take it to your doctor, or find a therapist in your area who specializes in this type of depression. There are MANY safe medications in pregnancy and nursing. You do not have to feel this way.
Good post Mom0810.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now newmom0730. You won't always feel like this, you're just going through a hard time right now. Please reach out and get some help. Depression is treatable and the earlier you treat it the better chance it has of staying away! You are not a bad mother or a bad person, you're a human being who is going through a hard time and needs some help. You have a right to get the help that you need.

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