Just need support, or hugs, or... I don't know - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 12-06-2009, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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.... rambling, jumbled, crazy post....

I have emetphobia. I have emetophobia. I know I am an awful person, but I can't take care of my kids when they have stomach issues. V****.

I don't even know what I am saying, I am in such a bad place right now. The kids got sick a couple days before Thanksgiving, and I completely lost my mind. Worse than ever. I was able to stay in the house for most of one day, but when DS came down with it, I had to leave... DH is awesome and took care of everything, but I had to leave! My own kids! I went to my moms, took some xanax... Tried to control myself, deep breaths... We had a very light thanksgiving, then it happened again that night, both kids. There I go a little deeper. Not only anxiety but here comes the depression. Stay at my moms another night, come home and the kids get sick again. OMG... Off to my moms again. Monday I don't feel so great, major panic attack, freaking out. We all spend the night at my moms Tuesday, guess what, DS is sick AGAIN. I don't know why I am typing this out, maybe so everyone can tell me what a horrible person I am, like I don't already know it.
I am at home and I am absolutely terrified to be here. Every nerve in my body is telling me to run.... Far away. I feel so unsafe here, I'm going to lose my mind. I am going to lose my mind, I am going to lose my mind.
I have never been this tense in my life. My back is so sore. I probably lost about 10lbs from not eating, too scared to eat. I am so scared of our house I want to sell it and move right now. I hate the bathrooms right next to each other in the middle of the house. I can't get away from it. I don't know what to do.

What is wrong with me!!! Why am I like this!! I would give ANYTHING in the world to not be scared of this. ANYTHING. How can I deal with everything else, take care of everything else, do anything else, but not this simple little thing??? Why can I get up with the kids every single night for a year, but the few nights of illness I can't do completely erase all of that?? Why am I here to ruin my kids?

I hate myself.

Amee + James (1998) =
Amethyst (May 2002)
Asheby "Bear" (November 2006)
Abbott (January 2011)
Atlas (March 2013)
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#2 of 20 Old 12-06-2009, 02:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And not only that, all I have wanted for years is to be a mama, take care of my little ones, have more sweet babies... Thats all. We were planning on starting to TTC this month, and now I know I can't... I'm not good enough. I don't deserve anymore babies.

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#3 of 20 Old 12-06-2009, 09:33 PM
 
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oh mama I am really sorry that you are having to deal with this. Are you seeing anyone for help or going through any programs to help you learn to work through the fears?

Again, just lots of

Proud mama to DD#1 (11) DS (4) and DD#2 ( 2 )
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#4 of 20 Old 12-06-2009, 11:50 PM
 
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Mama lots and lots of I have emetophobia too and I know how tense I get when someone is sick so I feel for you. What a hard time it sounds like you and your LOs have had. I hope everyone is getting better. This does not change everything you have done for them, they know you love them and all you have done with them. Take care of yourself mama we are here for you.

Married to the love of my life, mom to DS :
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#5 of 20 Old 12-07-2009, 07:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for reading my post. I am doing so bad its not even funny. This is close to the worst, worst was then I was housebound for 4 months about 8-9 years ago. I'm almost there though. I can feel it coming.
I am home alone with the kids right now, dh is at the dentist, and guess what, I am terrified!! I am such a loser.
No, I am not in therapy or anything right now, but I am going to make an appt first thing in the morning, this can't go on. I went to counseling for years over this and nothing worked, they finally just told me the only thing I could do was avoid it, and believe me I try. I just feel so scared and trapped right now. Like I am going to die at any moment. And I am so incredibly sad and embarrassed. What good am I?

Amee + James (1998) =
Amethyst (May 2002)
Asheby "Bear" (November 2006)
Abbott (January 2011)
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#6 of 20 Old 12-08-2009, 12:05 AM
 
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You can do this, you are doing it minute by minute. We are here for you. I know how overwhelming it is but you are there for your LOs and you will be able to do anything that needs to be done as hard as it is. Please reach out for help again, maybe there is something you haven't tried. Good luck, you are a good and valuable person.

Married to the love of my life, mom to DS :
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#7 of 20 Old 12-09-2009, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I can't believe I posted this on here... Now 100 people know what a freak I am, and have nothing to say about it.

My dh is a disabled vet, with severe ptsd and he thinks he may be rubbing off on me some. He isn't emetephobic (thank God!) but he has his own issues. He wants to try to get me an appt with his dr. He has an appt tomorrow 180 miles away, and guess who gets to stay here with the kids. I love my kids so much and I hate being scared about this. I feel awful.

Amee + James (1998) =
Amethyst (May 2002)
Asheby "Bear" (November 2006)
Abbott (January 2011)
Atlas (March 2013)
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#8 of 20 Old 12-09-2009, 02:06 PM
 
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You're not a bad mama, and you DO deserve your kids! That's just the mental illness talking.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#9 of 20 Old 12-09-2009, 02:28 PM
 
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I actually had no IDEA there was such a phobia, and now that I have read your thread, I understand that my husband and MIL have it. Not as severe cases as yours, but they have it none the less.

I have clostriphobia, BAD. The mere thought of being in a confined space sends me into a freaking panic. So to imagine you are having those feelings about something you can't avoid right now? My heart goes out to you mama!
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#10 of 20 Old 12-10-2009, 08:59 PM
 
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(((HUGS))) You are not a bad mama at all.
am dealing with a mild but progressing panic issue right now, and it is so scary how these feelings just sweep in and take over.
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#11 of 20 Old 12-10-2009, 11:11 PM
 
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Oh, trust me, we ALL have our own issues. You DO deserve your kids! I have severe anxiety disorder so I know how it goes... the other night at work I got so scared that I was going to die of a kidney infection (i've had a uti for a month) that I wrote my 5 month old a letter telling her everything I would want her to know and how much I love her, just in case I die.. so if you're a freak, I'm a freak. I am constantly worrying about my health so much that I literally make myself sick, I'm kind of protective of the baby as much as I am of myself though, so I wont let her go near anyone who is sick, and with this swine flu thing going on? We NEVER go out.

I freeze up and have a hard time breathing and will even start to cry just based on one scary thought that comes into my head that I will obsess about. I really need therapy but I got rejected by medicaid so now I can't get it because it's too expensive.

My dad suggested Vitamin B12.. it helps a little with the anxiety.

Happy mama to Asia born 07/15
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#12 of 20 Old 12-10-2009, 11:16 PM
 
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Mama, you are not a freak. How are you feeling today? Did you get an appointment?

Anne, Mama to Conner 2/27/04 blahblah.gif  Gabrielle 2/6/06 W/LMC-TCS, Neurogenic Bladder, AFO & KAFO wearer, Neurogenic Bowel energy.gif & Delaney 5/12/08 mischievous.gif &  Beethoven cat.gif& Gizmo cat.gif

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#13 of 20 Old 12-10-2009, 11:27 PM
 
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Like a PP said, you are doing this, moment by moment. And you can keep doing it. You are a good person and mean the world to your DC.
And so what if you're a freak?! I bet everyone on MDC is a freak one way or another. I know I am. I'd put up a freak smiley, but I don't see one.

Hang in there mama.
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#14 of 20 Old 12-10-2009, 11:29 PM
 
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I have a panic disorder too, so I know the intense fear it can produce. My husband is very similar to you with stomach problems, but he's not guilty about it! Take a cue from him ) He has no qualms about leaving a mess for me to clean up because he can't do it. The mere fact that you are so concerned shows me the love and devotion you have for your kids. For sure get some professional help, even talking to someone might help. On a practical level, if the state of your house is bothering you, is it a possibility to hire someone just for this one time to properly clean and disinfect the bathrooms, etc, so you feel it's "safe" again? It would probably run you around 60 bucks or so, money well spent at such difficult time!

SAHM to one moody son J hat.gif(06-27-03), one super-girly daughter M hearts.gif (02-23-06) and welcome Sophie! energy.gif(05-23-10) expecting fourth in July baby.gif

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#15 of 20 Old 12-10-2009, 11:33 PM
 
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lots and lots of
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#16 of 20 Old 12-11-2009, 12:02 AM
 
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Hey it's a phobia! It's not your fault. Go to the doctor and get help, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You're a fine mom.

I have germ phobias too and have been there. It will be ok.

(Not sure if you've tried this, but for me I go through the what if game, what if I get sick? What then? Worst case senario? I will be sick. I will get better. Life will go on.)

You've got to try to relax and let go. Whatever will be will be and you will survive. I promise.

And you can always clean, that helps me when people are sick.

Please keep us updated and definitely get in to a doctor, you really don't have to suffer like this.
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#17 of 20 Old 12-11-2009, 02:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much everyone. I haven't made an appt yet, I am almost scared to do that also. I am scared to be home, but also to leave the house. Urgh. I know I need to, and I really want to get help, I can't be this bad anymore, its killing me. We have a counseling center here that is pretty affordable, so I'm going to call there. The counselor I used to see is gone though, so that sucks. I am also scared that someone will suggest exposure therapy, O-M-G, believe me I have been exposed, it makes it WAY worse.

I had a dream about dh getting sick last night, and that terrifies me, I always think that means someone is going to V.

I always think that my family would be better off if I was dead. I don't want to kill myself and go to hell, so I beg God to just take me home. Wow, huh.

The reason our house bothers me is because the bathrooms are right in the middle and to get anywhere you have to walk around them, so I can't escape the sound. The sound gets me so bad. Plus our house is tiny anyway, so the kids can be sick in the back room and I'm still just a few feet away and can hear everything. DH brought up building a big bedroom and bathroom off the side this summer, so that gives me some peace knowing we can make it a little better. I also think that being winter and so cold, I can't get out and get fresh air when I need it.

I wish that I could get rid of the guilt, everyone in my family lets me know they will be here to help, I don't need to do it myself, but I still feel SO bad! I really feel like I am just ruining my kids, they are going to hate me for it, etc...

*sigh*

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Amethyst (May 2002)
Asheby "Bear" (November 2006)
Abbott (January 2011)
Atlas (March 2013)
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#18 of 20 Old 12-11-2009, 10:12 PM
 
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(((hugs))) Get an appointment. Seriously mama, it sounds like it's ruling your life and believe me, we all understand that on our own levels here. But that also means that it is time to get some serious help. If another therapist tells you that your best line of defense is to just stay away from it, find another because that is obviously just not good or reasonable advice.

I am so sorry. I think it's awesome that you guys are talking about building an addition, which would be nice on many levels, but still do get to a doc to deal with the here and now part of it.

Proud mama to DD#1 (11) DS (4) and DD#2 ( 2 )
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#19 of 20 Old 12-11-2009, 10:26 PM
 
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s!!!!

namaste.gif Practicing medicine Mama to four beautiful children 
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#20 of 20 Old 12-11-2009, 10:42 PM
 
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I feel so badly for you Mama. You are not a bad mother, if you were you would not be this upset by everything that is going on. You have a phobia, you need help. I hope you are able to find some help for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. I am wishing peace and healing for you.

Jenese Mama to Elliot 8/05 and Millie Jane 7/07 and Cecilia Kate 1/11
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