I have so much going on right now.The worst of it being exh.He comes around often,and everything is a fight.He has unlimited visitation with the kids as long as he is sober.I'm in the process of changing this,but until I do,I have to let him see the kids whenever he wants.He's homeless so this is all day,and I just can't take it anymore.
I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed most days.Exh just gets pissed at me for sleeping,says he has to do everything,when he doesn't.I'm rarely sleeping,just laying there.I get up when the kids need me.I talk to them.Ds will come and sit on the bed and play.I just hate that I feel so bad all the time.My kids deserve better than that.I pick up the house,but it's by no means perfect.
I'm thinking of hurting myself more and more.I've self injured most of my life and I thought I was done after I ended up in the hospital last year,but it's all I can think about sometimes.I do not want to die,I want to live,badly.I feel like I am not living,just surviving.
I panic over everything.To the point where my chest hurts and I can't breathe.I actually have breathe tattooed on my wrist to remind me to.It really sucks.I feel like it's hard to go anywhere(I force myself to for the kids).
I do see a therapist but all she ever talks about is the kids and exh.I can't tell her how I'm feeling.There is just not enough time in my appointments,and now that I have to take dd and ds with me,it's worse.They wait out in the waiting room(it's a nice waiting room with toys and games) and I can hear them,so I'm afraid they can hear me.I don't want them to know about this.
I just needed to vent a little.I wish I could cry but i can't.I'm on a ton of meds(abilify,welbutrin,klonopin,seroquel and lamictal,maybe I'm on too many,I only take the seroquel and klonopin when I feel like I'm going to panic).Ds wants the computer so I'm done now.Thanks so much for reading.
Student mama to one awesome,talented and unique dd,15 and one amazing, sweet and strong ds,12(born with heart defect Tetralogy of Fallot,also on the autism spectrum),9 cats,and 2 gerbils.