Join Date: May 2009
Location: St. Louis, Missouri, USA
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Baby steps. You need to start taking a look at baby steps to make your life and your family's life better. Just a little bit of improvement on a day-to-day basis is going to make a difference. Eventually, it might add up to a lot of difference.
1. Free counseling. You need to look around for what free counseling resources there are in your community. In my community, we have several universities that offer free or low cost counseling in their graduate student clinics. We also have community groups that offer support groups for survivors of violence. We also have a clinic that offers free psychologist level counseling for survivors of violence. That's you. Start looking around.
2. Anger/depression management. Daily hard exercise will help take the edge off of this. You need to start running or some other hard cardio to get the edge off. If the only way to do that is to run when the kids are asleep, you should run at 5:00 am or 11 pm, while your husband watches the kids. If you can't currently run, google "Couch to 5k" and start. You should be working up to 30-60 minutes of hard cardio a day. It will help with your body issues, too. You'll lose some fat and put on some muscle, and you'll feel more in control of your body.
3. (I) was an addict Because you were an addict, you can find some support in AA or NA. It's free. It's the best free help you're going to get. There's a lot of meetings around of varying qualities, but if you look, you can find a good one. You need to find one that feels like home to you and that has people who have their sh** together. They can give you advice on how to get your sh** together.
I spent a lot of time in AA, and it really taught me a lot about managing my other mental health problems. (I've had depression and I'm a physical abuse survivor, rape survivor, and a child sexual abuse survivor, and I have an addicted mother.)
Quitting was easy. Learning to live was hard.
The book "Zen of Recovery" has a lot of good help for practicing the 12 steps in a way that will help with some of the anger issues you are dealing with.
You might want to take a look at the literature for Women in Sobriety. It may be more on target for a lot of the issues that you're dealing with. If you have a WFS group, you might want to try getting support there.
4. i feel guilty. im not perfect or even close to it. i try to be a good mom and do whats best yet i do plop the baby in front of the tv at least once a day...and i sometimes feed her stuff i said i never would. then i feel horrible for doing it and beat myself up about it.
my house is a disaster. i used to have an impeccably clean home. now its a constant mess which makes me so much more depressed, angry, and stressed.
There's no such thing as a perfect mother. You don't need to be perfect. You just need to be good enough.