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#1 of 19 Old 10-30-2010, 02:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi~if this isn't allowed, feel free to delete my post and user name. I am a long time member here at MDC, but had to create a new user name for privacy. I feel if I post under my regular name, well it just wouldn't be good for me. I am posting here like this because I have no where else to turn to, and hope to find someone here who is willing to listen, and at least give me some sage advice, or a hug.
I am at my breaking point. Preg with my 5th baby due by mid Dec, and I feel totally lost. I have no one I can call and cry to, no one but my husband to console me either.
This past week has been one of the toughest I have had in all my life. Seriously, as I look back on everything I have gone through- this last week is probably the worst ever.
1- got called for jury duty right in the middle of my due date timeframe- and don't know if I can be excused from serving because I will be in labor, or with a fresh new born!
2- we are 2+ months behind in ALL our bills, including the mortgage, and fear we may lose our home, cars, power, everything.
3-The IRS just notified us that we are being audited. I'm the lucky one who did the taxes and am NOT a CPA. I feel at least that we need representation but that costs money- of which we have none. I am reading more and more about the trauma of an audit and the possible results. I have nothing to hide as Ifeel I didnt do anything wrong- but obviously they think so.
4-I am trying every avenue for any financial assistance, and feel so very ashamed to have to do this. Just 2 yrs ago, we were living well, now we are literally below the poverty line. Things havent been shut off yet- but soon will be. Our income is so well below our expenses- like he earns $1000.00 but our bills are $5000.00 a month.
5- We live in a state that gets lots of snow, and cold, and fear if things get shut off- what will we do?
6-My wonderful husband who has never ever failed me or the kids (i think) thinks that I find fault in him, which I don't ever. I am his biggest fan and will always be. I have never known him to fail. He keeps reassuring me that things will get better- but my hormones are getting the best of me and every day is a struggle to fight or run and hide. Because of this, we haven't been intimate for many months, and any time we attempt to, he, well has a physical problem that prohibits any activity (kwim?) Talk about a blow to my self esteem. Now I feel unloved, ugly, and worthless.
7- he works at a sales job, so his income is like a rollercoaster. I keep wondering when he might say enough is enough. He works so so hard and has nothing but stress and anxiety to show for it. Its like he works for free.
I wish he could go to his family for help, but his pride is getting in the way. Mine on the other hand has left the building- but I have no one to ask for help, or I have tapped out my resources. I also don't want to be a nag either- but something needs to give.
I am so scared and sad and in a very dark place right now.
sorry for the rant, just don't know where to turn.
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#2 of 19 Old 10-30-2010, 06:54 AM
 
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I am replying in the hopes that knowing someone has heard you, and that someone identifies with you, can help in a very small way. The specifics here are different and I wish I had some advice, but I too am terrified about the future and about what might happen to my family.

I did notice the loving way you described your husband. I don't know what else to say about it, but that it made me feel... wistful... sad for you and him... sad because I don't feel that way about my partner. Could that be the tiny little starting point for figuring out where to go next?

DD 5/09 and a new little one 4/11
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#3 of 19 Old 10-30-2010, 07:42 AM
 
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I am crashing from new posts, and I wanted to say that most (maybe all) states have laws about whether utility companies can shut off utilities if there are children living in the house. Mainly your heating source (whether it be gas, electric, oil), electricity, and running water. Those bills will still be mounting, but at least no one in your household will be in physical danger due to lack of heat etc. However, they have to know that you have children living there. Look into your state's laws, and call the utility company, and ask what you need to do. We had an *ahem* "situation" with our water company a few years ago and we had to send a letter every three months saying that we had a child under 1 year and they could not cut us off.

While you are on the phone, ask if they have some sort of plan or credit for people who can't pay their bills. Some companies do, and they use it as a tax write-off. But you'll never know unless you ask! And there's no shame in asking. Times are tough for most people these days. And, as I said, they use it as a tax write-off so it's not like their motives are entirely pure.

A really great resource for finding out about aid available is a church or other religious institution. I worked as a secretary for a church for a while, and people came in all the time needing all sorts of help and just not knowing where to go. The minister knew a variety of social service programs inside and out and had tons of contacts. FWIW, this was a pretty snobby church in a very wealthy area and the people who went there were not the type that you think would have anything wrong in their lives. But hard times can befall anyone, especially these days. Even if you are not currently a member of a church or if you are not religious at all, look into this. A good minister who cares about helping people really doesn't care, won't try to convert you or demand anything in return.

Times are really tough and a lot of people are facing a pretty bleak winter. I hope that you stay strong and can find the help you need until your family can get back on its feet.

Trying to live a simple life in a messy house in a complicated world with : DH, DD (b. 07/07), DS (b. 02/09), and DD (b. 10/10)
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#4 of 19 Old 10-30-2010, 02:09 PM
 
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Mamasad, things sound really overwhelming right now.

Are you and your spouse able to have a really frank discussion about how things are financially, and how stressed out you are? Are there some expenses that can be cut? Frugality and Finances here on MDC has some good ideas in it. It's so true that hard times can fall on anyone.

WRT the audit - they don't necessarily think you did something wrong, IRS may have some years where they look at people who fit under certain categories. One year they may audit those who have foreign income. Another year they may audit the self-employed or subcontractors. Another year it's a different group. Yk?

Sounds like your biggest stressor is finances. Would it help to literally sit down and write out a budget - income and expenses - in black and white, for you and your husband to see? And then work together to come up with a plan to improve things.

As for the *ahem* physical problem that prohibits sexual intimacy - we have had periods of time when this was an issue at our house too. Knock to the ego? Yeah. We had gone to counselling about other things and I learned to understand that this can happen to anyone at different ages due to stress, or other health concerns. So it's not necessarily about you and your lack of sexiness, kwim? I'm just putting it out there in the hopes that it helps give you another perspective.

Hang in there Mama. I'm glad you came here to vent and get it off your chest. This difficult time will not last forever.

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#5 of 19 Old 10-31-2010, 01:02 AM
 
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Mamasad, We're struggling with finances right now too, and I feel so overwhelmed by it all!

I agree with what Surfacing said about the audit. It's entirely possible that your tax return came up as one of the routine audit batches.

Surfacing's post about your DHs problem also makes a lot of sense to me. That, combined with his feeling that you find fault in him, makes me think he might be really down on himself because of the financial situation. Men don't cope well when they feel like they aren't providing adequately for their families. It sounds like he is a hard hard worker, but as a salesman he probably doesn't give himself credit for anything other than results.

The jury duty can definitely be postponed or excused! I was called when my DS was 3 weeks old and I responded that I'd be happy to show up as long as they didn't mind me having him along and breastfeeding him throughout the day. They excused it immediately!

Hang in there mama!
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#6 of 19 Old 10-31-2010, 12:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your responses.
We have done the budget thing, we've applied for heating assistance, utility help, modification for the mortage, stay for all debt which most debtors won't do- but a few did.
like I said- some days I am on the attack and I am the type of person when put in a situation that needs a solution, I will work tirelessly until one is found- but I feel helpless because I can't find a way to help contribute to the finances and ease his burden. That frustrates me. I'm going into my 9th month and can't even iron more than 2 shirts at a time without being winded. Forget keeping the house spotless like I prefer it. I just want him to come home and not see a mess, not have to cook, or clean. He works like a dog and our home is less than zen-like!
I guess I just need to find other ways to help without losing my mind.
We have trimmed our budget to the bare min. Food, shelter, gas for cars, power. Things like cable- gone, cell- still have 1 yr left to deal with and would love to find a way to make that cheaper. I wish I knew of a magic way to fix everything. On top of this- being pregnant and having absolutely no patience isn't helping matters.
thanks for letting me vent.
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#7 of 19 Old 10-31-2010, 12:28 PM
 
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Oh, mama, I couldn't read and not post. Sounds like such a stressful time! I have two thoughts.

One - check out a local food bank. Some free food would help off-set the budget a little. The church near us has free dinner on food-bank night each week too. ANYONE is welcome.

Two - I know this sounds kind of cheesy, but, wow, you still have so much love and admiration for your DH. That is really something valuable. Cherish that, and your resourcefulness will get you through this. I admire and envy this, since I tend to lash out at my hubby in times of stress ... something I need to change in myself.

Three - I think a frank money discussion is in order. Perhaps you and DH could agree on a time period to give this commission sales thing, and then move on. You both need to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe he could spend one hour a day looking for a new job with a regular salary. Or perhaps you can spend time updating his resume, his linked-in account, and searching Indeed.com for appropriate jobs. Perhaps even writing & emailing the cover letters for him. Check out "gigs" on craigslist, for little side jobs he could do on a weekend or evening.

Good luck mama, I hope things get better for you soon!
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#8 of 19 Old 11-02-2010, 06:00 PM
 
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#9 of 19 Old 11-02-2010, 06:56 PM
 
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#10 of 19 Old 11-04-2010, 06:48 PM
 
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Was today a better day? I sure hope so. My family and I used to receive assistance from the state a few years ago. It was a terrible blow to the esteem but it was necessary to our survival and for that I am so thankful. It wasn't easy asking, in fact it was probably the toughest thing I had to do. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

There are three things I learned about life. It goes on. -Longfellow

 

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#11 of 19 Old 11-08-2010, 11:28 AM
 
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*hugs*

It sounds super stressful! I agree with a PP that your feelings toward your husband are such a blessing at this time! I know for us, when things get tough, the first thing to go downhill is our relationship, not a good thing.

Instead of keeping it all in your head, could you either alone or with him, write down all of your major concerns and then point out the #1 top priority RIGHT NOW and then take some steps toward that. Trying to battle it all at once is overwhelming, tackling things one by one by importance will keep your head above water.

hth!

Helping women overcome postpartum depression and birth trauma. http://www.postmommyhood.com

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#12 of 19 Old 11-10-2010, 08:50 PM
 
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hugs..I am right there with ya..I just have been telling folks this is the worst i have been in a looooong time. 

Can you apply for heating assistance, or weatherization programs. we used to get a lot of support when we lived in PA.

 

We just moved into a new house and we are so stressed. My dh is in sales also. 

Everything in my life is upside down....I cant even get an appt with a therapist  until 3 weeks from now.

 

to top it off, my tribal area playgroup has just drooped me cause they don't want drama now....sorry for being bipolar ...they moved playgroups to a secretive email I guess. 

 

oh well...I have been finding some sunshine in music.

 

you are not alone and you will get through it.


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#13 of 19 Old 11-13-2010, 07:17 PM
 
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#14 of 19 Old 11-15-2010, 08:56 PM
 
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How are things going for you now, Mama?


wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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#15 of 19 Old 11-29-2010, 01:30 PM
 
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:hugs:


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#16 of 19 Old 11-30-2010, 06:17 AM
 
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xxhugsxx - I admire you so much. You seem to be a very strong person and hopefully you will be able to look back on this part of your life and smile at how you conquered it.  It is so hard with no family to speak of and feeling helpless and hopeless when you are an optimistic person.  My grandmother had a saying "everything changes" - I have had cause to remember this a lot since she passed away and it is true.  No situation - however bad it gets will last forever - things do and will change and they will be for the better. The fact that you still love your DH very much is a solid foundation for coming out the other side.  Take one day at a time xx

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#17 of 19 Old 12-01-2010, 07:39 PM
 
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#18 of 19 Old 12-01-2010, 07:55 PM
 
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I'm sending positive thoughts your way mama, i know how you're feeling <3


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#19 of 19 Old 12-26-2010, 09:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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HI All,

 thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. Its been some time since I've been on here ,we had our baby! a little boy- so there's some joy in the sadness. It hasn't been better, but we can only go one day at a time.

Now I am even more hormonal thinking this will be our last Christmas in this house- but then think, its all for the best. I will do everything I can to make things work for my babies. Some days are better than others. and if I give up hope, then I have nothing.

 

thank you and I hope everyone is well. much love.

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