Intense, Intense Fear, Help? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 11-12-2010, 04:30 PM - Thread Starter
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My husband started going away to work about 2 months ago. We had been both stay at home and running a daycare from our home together. Neither of us were completely happy with this, but it was alright and meant we both got to be home with our kids. Well, when things started to slow down we decided, instead of looking for more kids, to take the opportunity to move on. We were excited when he found a job that he leaves around 2:30 in the afternoon and gets home around 1:30 in the morning because he still gets a good chunk of the day with our girls.


I didn't expect to be so scared. Petrified may be a better word. I know it's really overboard, but knowing so doesn't help control my emotions. As it gets dark (which is around 5:30 now!) I get terrified. I'm not really sure why. All of a sudden the house is way too big and I want to leave all the lights on. I really wish I had curtains for all the windows, I lock all the doors (which I have never done) and really, really wish the back door locked adequately. It's a real door with no lock to a warm-seasons room that has a door to the outside that is just a screen door with the screen replaced with plexiglas. It has your usual push-latch with little clip lock that all you really need to do is shake to open it. We live out in the wood with neighbors that aren't terribly close. For instance, they wouldn't hear you scream ;)  I hate having a basement and an upstairs, and I don't want to open the door to let our cats in and out (we have 4) and their scratching at the door is suddenly really scary. Everything is.


I try to distract myself by staying occupied, by even distracted my chest feels tight and I feel nauseous and on edge. It gets worse after the kids go to sleep. Sometimes it mounts to such an extreme that I really want to throw up and / or cry. It doesn't help that for no apparent reason my 2 1/2 y/o DD has started routinely saying things like, "Did you hear that noise?" "What was that sound?" or, worse, "Do you see that man?" or "I hear a big guy over there." I have no idea why she's started saying these things, other than she's feeling my vibes, but she doesn't actually seem upset or scared. Of course this puts me at a point in which I have a lot of trouble functioning at all, the fear is so great.


Thinking that I don't remember ever being afraid of being alone at night so terribly, I realized that it has probably rarely happened. I lived at home with my parents and two brothers and even if my parents were away generally I was with a sibling I guess, and when I moved out I always had roommates. Then I got married. We worked at the same restaurant for a few years, then moved here for a year he worked and I went to school, but I got home after him, and then we were running daycare.


There is nowhere walking distance to go out to from here, and DH takes our only car to work. I don't really know anyone in the area as I never worked here other than daycare or went to school here, which are pretty much the only two ways I know how to meet people :)


Still, I am really surprised by how bad this has been, and have no idea how to cope. I've been hoping I just get used to it but it has seriously sucked. My mum used to get really freaked out when my dad was away, he worked in the automotive business and several times a year would be sent overseas. It never bothered us, probably because mum was there, but she was definitely happy to have us jump in bed with her at these times :)


Just to make things a little bit more fun, for the last two weeks we've been having weird phone calls where the phone rings and the CID is blank, not "unknown" "unavailable" or "private" like most calls, just blank. When I pick up, there is no one there. Sometimes it just stays that way, or sometimes there is a click right after I answer and then it disconnects. Sometimes it is 15 times a day, sometimes it is every 10 minutes. Blocking anonymous calls hasn't stopped it, and my phone company just says they have no idea, it's really weird, and they don't know what to do about it. Logically, I realize it's probably a telemarketing company doing something that isn't working properly or something, but it still really creeps me out and feeds the fear big time.


Okay, sorry this has gotten so long, I'm pretty bad about rambling, especially when I am nervous :) Anyone have any advice on how to overcome this fear? Or just has felt this way? Understanding, consolation, anything would be nice at this point. :lol

rainbow1284.gifJuise - stillheart.gif Vegan-organic greenthumb.gif food-growing mama to dust.gif Kaia Hanako - 8 Feb 08, babyf.gif Katalin Reiah - 13 July 10, flowerkitty.gif 4x Little Furry Kitty Friends, chicken3.gif 11x Chickens, goldfish.gif Assorted Aquatic Life, and Wife to malesling.GIF Lee. computergeek2.gif

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#2 of 7 Old 11-13-2010, 02:25 AM
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I can sympathise, I used to suffer with social phobia really badly and at one point I was so scared of everything that I would literally stand halfway in the house and halfway out the house. Fear is a terrible emotion.


I tried counselling, meds etc but really, the only thing that helped me was time and a supportive husband who would encourage me to do things without forcing me. These days I am nowhere near as bad, I can go out, shop, go to appointments, I look pretty much like a normal person but these days, I still cannot have close relationships like friends etc, its too hard for me, I don''t know why, it scares me (but then I have had my heart broken numerous times by friends and family so its hardly surprising). There is a chance my anxiety issues are associated with my EDS (a collagen/joint problem) which is somewhat freaky, right.


Anyway, first of all the phone calls, I can't imagine they are malicious, it might very well be that there is a confused old lady out there who keeps trying to call someone and keeps getting the phone number wrong and ending up very surprised when someone else answers............ then again, it might not be but I do not know what you can do about this one other than talk to your husband and see if you can come up with some idea as to how to get them to stop?????


As for your fear, take things slowly, give yourselves little tasks to complete everyday to get you out the house, to prove to yourself things aren't as scary as you think........... And essentially, give yourself time to adjust to your new situation. I would also make your Doctor aware of the situation as well jsut in case they can offer any other help.

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#3 of 7 Old 11-13-2010, 03:10 AM
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Juise, If you are getting as many calls as that, you should be able to subpoena your phone records.  Not to worry you, but that could be considered harassment.  Regardless of if the caller ID is blocked, unknown, or private, the phone company does indeed have a record of the originating number.  I know this for a fact due to my own work experience.  If necessary ask to speak to corporate security.  To me, the likelihood of you receiving so many hangups over such a long period of time does deserve your attention.  You're right, it could totally be inept telemarketers, but it could also not be.  Every ten minutes or 15 times a day is excessive, even for telemarketers.  


As for your other concerns.... what would it take for you to feel safe in your current environment?  Are your fears based on a previous trauma or something else?  You don't have to necessarily answer here, but I just hoped that offering you a chance to examine the source of your fears might be helpful to you.  I remember you from our 08DDC.  I have totally lived with those fears as a single mama.  I still face them everyday.  Maybe try different mindfulness exercises as a start point.  As far as your DD seeing/sensing things, maybe instead of being triggered into a fearful state, you could instead ask her questions about what she saw/sensed.  Were there smells involved, did she hear or feel anything?  While your DD could totally be picking up on your energy, there are other possibilities.  I'm not fully sure how to answer that part of your question.  In my case much of my fears are based on previous trauma and my current fears sometimes are blown out of proportion by my thoughts due to previous experiences.  If you don't have previous triggering traumas, then maybe examining why you have the specific fears you do may be helpful in finding the things that you could use to help you feel more secure and safe in your surroundings.

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#4 of 7 Old 11-13-2010, 07:52 AM
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If you're feeling creeped out by just being alone in the house, and it's not something more deep rooted, then maybe installing a security system will help you feel safer. Or maybe a dog? When I get occasionally scared being alone with the kids, playing smoothing music or watching a good movie helps take my mind off it. Do you have friends/family you can call to when you get scared?


As to the 'blank' calls, I agree with the PP who suggested to subpoena your phone records. Even if it's nothing (which most likely it is), calling you that often would be considered harassment. 

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#5 of 7 Old 11-15-2010, 09:26 PM - Thread Starter
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tireesix - Congratulations on your journey, and thank you much for sharing with me.


Theia - Nice to see you again :D The phone company swears they are getting the same amount of info as me, i.e. none. One of the women I talked to on tech support said she'd never seen anything like it and that it was really, really weird. (Totally making me feel better.) They are not getting any number on the call, although they do see the repeated incoming blank calls.  They should be out here in a couple days to replace our modem (we have VoIP phones) and equipment in case somehow the modem is dialing into the house itself. They've never had that happen but they have no idea what else to do.


Myself, I have my doubts. I would expect that to be completely random, but the calls never happen after midnight (although they will happen up to midnight, which seems really late for a telemarketer) and not before 8am or so. We also didn't get one all weekend, but it was back at it today eyesroll.gif


As far as what would it take for me to feel safe, I'm really not sure, other than for someone else to be here >.< Which just isn't logical or going to happen. And because my fear really isn't logical, I'm not sure a security system would even help, although we did get offered a free one to participate in testing a new Brinks or something like that and I was kind of mad that DH turned it down because he didn't want to be bothered. irked.gif DH really isn't taking me seriously and it's making it really hard. I try to be lighthearted when I talk about it because I know it is silly and, to be honest, pretty embarrassing. It makes me feel like a child afraid of monsters under the bed. I need to make it more clear to him that while I do know it doesn't make sense I am also very serious and it is very, very strongly effecting my well being.


My Mum is going to get me two sets of curtains for the living room windows that face the road so no one can just see in from the street, I think that will help but I kind of with I could block all the windows. That would be four more windows though and the glass doors going out to the back porch to boot. I think they only way I could afford that right now would be gluing black paper to them :lol


I did get DH to agree to get a lock on that door though. There are even holes in it already from a lock it must of had at one time. He had to add though that anyone with a rock would still be able to get in no problem, (of which there are an abundance around the house) so he didn't see the point. bawling.gif 


Okay I want to reply to the rest but this nursing session is over so it is back off the computer time. I will try to respond to the rest either later tonight or tomorrow.

rainbow1284.gifJuise - stillheart.gif Vegan-organic greenthumb.gif food-growing mama to dust.gif Kaia Hanako - 8 Feb 08, babyf.gif Katalin Reiah - 13 July 10, flowerkitty.gif 4x Little Furry Kitty Friends, chicken3.gif 11x Chickens, goldfish.gif Assorted Aquatic Life, and Wife to malesling.GIF Lee. computergeek2.gif

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#6 of 7 Old 12-01-2010, 08:19 PM
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#7 of 7 Old 12-19-2010, 09:55 PM
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Forgive me if this weirds you out, but I sometimes feel intense fear in places where bad events have occured. Burning sage can help clense the emotions from the area, and ease my feelings. Might be worth a shot, and really couldn't hurt.

As for cheep curtains, I used old sheets from the thrift store, and put them up with tacks.

I would get an answering machine, and turn the ringer off on the phone. Not having to answer and deal with nobody being there might ease your mind.

One thing that helped me master my fear was to prepare myself for the worst. I took self defense, had a "safe room" with locks and a phone line, and would call friends on the phone just to chat so that I didn't feel alone.

In the end, however, the only thing that really made me better was several years of pharmaceutical and psychological therapy. I have come to understand that I have an anxiety disorder, and that my fears are largely irrational. I took Effexor for years, and went to weekly talk therapy for several months. Now my fears come and go, but I have some tools to help me manage them. Good luck.

CD'ing, homebirthing, milk making school teacher. Supporting my family on my income and trying to get out of debt in 2013!
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