i can't live like this anymore - Mothering Forums
Mental Health > i can't live like this anymore
abbylotus's Avatar abbylotus 03:32 PM 07-13-2012

I feel like I'm drowning but not enough to actually die. I am so incredibly overwhelmed and alone. My husband died in April 2011 and I am in financial ruin. My anxiety is out of this world. I'm scared all the time. I hate what I have become. I hate me. My husband's family is a great contributor to this crap. I'm pretty sure they hate me, too. I have bipolar disorder and am medicated. I can't live like this. I'm not strong enough. If I could just catch a break long enough to see the light, just a little bit, I think that would help. Every time I think I may be catching one something happens. If this is the way life is, one kick to the groin after another, I can't do it. I owe thousands to the ER for trips thinking I am having a heart attack but it's anxiety and thinking I have brain cancer but it's just stressed induced migraines. No one knows any of this. I put up a good front. I'm 33 yo. The thought of living the rest of my life like this just about breaks me. My husband would be so upset if he knew this is what has become of me and he would be ashamed of his family. The are so awful. I wish they would just come out and tell me they blame me for his death all ready. I can see it in his mother's eyes. I live with it every day but I can't go back and bodily drag him to the doctor. I'm sorry. I needed to vent. 

lunarlady's Avatar lunarlady 04:03 PM 07-13-2012

I know where you are and what it feels like to have a good front that the world sees.  I, too, am struggling.  I just made an appointment to see a doctor, but the first opening was the 27th of this month.  I feel like I'm drowning in life.  Normal day to day stuff is a struggle.  We recently moved and I have zero support structure here.  I have no friends, and my children have no friends.  It is just us plowing along in our own little world of family.  My DH sees that I'm struggling.  He sees that I'm depressed.  He worries about me.  I can't imagine being where you are, without even your partner there to support you and try to slow the fall.  Do you have a therapist or someone else you can talk to?  I know I have felt so terrible but since reaching out I have started to feel like there are others out there that care and are working to help me.  I hope you can find the strength to reach out.  Your children deserve to have you at your best.  Stay strong.

Imakcerka 06:00 PM 07-13-2012


nigellas's Avatar nigellas 06:28 PM 07-13-2012

I couldn't read and not post.   (((hugs))), mama.  Big ones.

abbylotus's Avatar abbylotus 07:32 PM 07-13-2012

Oh, God. I unbraided my DD's hair and she has lice. I had to take change out of my kids' banks to buy lice shampoo. Seriously. My son lost his glasses and his eye sight is very poor. If his glasses don't magically appear (we have looked EVERYWHERE) and I have to buy a new pair it's going to mean we can't go to the bluegrass/folk music festival and camping weekend I had saved to take us to next weekend. The tickets are purchased and I am having a rummage sale tomorrow to make spending money for it. So disappointing. The kids were looking forward to playing their dad's drum in the drum circle. It was going to be the highlight of our summer. Another kick to the groin.


I'll see my shrink at the end of the month. I'm going to go on a lithium trial in the fall because it's way cheaper than what I am on now. I have an excellent therapist that I can't afford to see right now but will save up and see in August. I'm so exhausted but I don't sleep. My anxiety is hard to reign in at night and it makes me cry because I'm so sad and scared and it triggers the need to always have to pee. I'm up all night. Ambien won't even knock me out. I throw up a lot, too, because my nerves and the stress is too much. People in RL don't want to hear this crap from me. It's upsetting and I loathe pity. I just want someone to give me a hug and invite us over for dinner. It would be a positive start. 

Imakcerka 07:49 PM 07-13-2012

I wish I was near by.  I'd have you over for dinner.  And I'm sorry about the lice.  There are some cheap treatment options but it's still a pain.  Hopefully you guys find the glasses.  This is the place to vent!

Alenushka's Avatar Alenushka 08:34 PM 07-13-2012

I am so very sorry. My son did very well on lithium.


There many websites that sell very unexpensive frames and lenses on line.


Can you limit contact with your former in laws?

heatherdeg's Avatar heatherdeg 07:24 PM 07-14-2012

Hugs, mama.  My mom is bipolar and I know the nightmare it can be to find the right meds.  I have nothing to say that I think could make you feel better.  I feel that same drowning feeling you feel for very different reasons (we've also relocated to a place we DO. NOT. BELONG. and it's profoundly isolating, but we have a mountain of family issues on top of it that are all on my shoulders and nobody else's).  Still, I didn't lose my spouse and thankfully, my inlaws are no longer in my face (we can be civil now, but in the past they've been downright verbally publicly abusive to me while my husband stood by helpless).


I'm hoping you find your son's glasses.  Hoping the lice only needs one round of treatment.  And hoping you can hold out for the lithium.  In the meantime, my mother has never been able to be consistent with anything when she's not well, when she was living near my aunt and had my aunt up her arse, she did find some help with large doses of Omega-3s (like 10,000mg or more/day) and (at a different time) large doses of vitamin B6 (I honestly don't remember what the dosing was for that, though.  I know she had to take a B-complex also for uptake).  If you get desperate before the trial kicks in, you might want to attempt one of these to see if it helps you at all.  If you need more info, pm me and I'll see if she still has it.

BeautyforAshes's Avatar BeautyforAshes 08:31 PM 07-17-2012

So sorry that you're having such a rough time.  I haven't been in your shoes, but I know what it feels like to struggle and feel like you're not going to make it sometimes.  Hope it helps to know that you're not alone.

abbylotus's Avatar abbylotus 09:28 AM 07-18-2012

I blew up at my MIL. She came over to my house unannounced or invited and started criticizing me on my home in front of my kids. She called it a "pit."  I saw red and out I told her to loudly and colorfully leave my home immediately and she is never welcome again. I have never stood up to her. Not many have. She's a piece of work. I will not tolerate her criticism, hurtful remarks, or toxic energy anymore. Done. I sent her a message saying if she wishes to see the kids she may tues-thur. She has not responded. She needs professional help. Seriously. I'm not going to lie, it felt pretty good to tell that woman to *&^% off. 

justmama's Avatar justmama 05:23 PM 07-19-2012

I'm so sorry.  I know you must feel like every single day is agony.  I have panic disorder with agoraphobia and even though I'm medicated and in therapy, it's an uphill battle to control the panic attacks and the shaking hands and racing heart 24/7.  It wakes me out of a sound sleep.  There's things I just can't do.  Everything has to have a routine and an order or the panic overwhelms me.  And it feels like things come one right on top of the other with no rest.  The money trouble, the emotional roller coaster of the single parent, the kids getting sick, the school supply list I can't fill, a relative about to pass away from a terminal illness, etc.  There's always something.  I'm glad for you that yo u stuck up to your MIL though.  You HAVE to get control of your life somehow and if removing a toxic person does that for you, more power to you.  You don't need more on your plate.  Take care of YOU and don't trouble yourself with MIL's feelings.  *hugs*  I know the med troubles.  I'm still in the process of getting a dose that works for me but I think we found a good antidepressant finally.  The last 6 months have been horrendous though.  :(

Tags: Mental Health