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#1 of 5 Old 08-02-2012, 10:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Over the years dh has treated me.. not the way i would have liked and I am resentful and so i hurt him with words and it's a HUGE waste of my time and not who I want to be regardless of his inability to have feelings. I hurt him with words because he hurts me in the same way only in a passive aggressive way. the plan is to move out so I can become healthier but I have always had anger problems.

 

I am trying to get him to say something nice and it just escalates when I don't get what i want. He's never going to change and it's just a huge waste of my energy. it is draining me. yes, I do care. Yes, I WANT him to care but he just isn't that bright. He couldn't hold a conversation or say the right thing if it was life or death.. literally.

 

I just want to stop talking to him but we had a kid so that's not possible. I just want to let it all go.. I just hate him so much.

 

I don't want to be this person. I want to let it go.

 

What can I do when I feel the urge to say something  mean to him instead? Instead of calling him stupid or incompetent what can I do to shut myself up because it's not going to make him change or become smarter or think gee I guess I'll go to college and win her heart lol... so I just want to get rid of the whole... negativity on my part at least.

 

it's just so hard because he lies about everything.. can't seem to hear when I'm talking just drools at the tv (literally.. he can't hear someone if there is a single distraction and even then he doesn't know how to speak. he literally has nothing going on up there and has told me so. He just happily blanks out and doesn't care. oh how I wish I was like that! But I think a million miles an hour!)

 

So until I can move out... how can *I* become a better person. Because regardless.. I need to learn to check my anger. I want to be wise and smart and gentle and know the right things to say and when and how and I talk way too negatively because that's just who I am and I would like to be anyone but me.

 

So.. any advice on how to shut the flip up? I just can't seem to stop myself.

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#2 of 5 Old 08-02-2012, 11:03 AM
 
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All I can think of is when you think you're about to go off, walk away fast, just leave the room. Give yourself a time out, if you will.
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#3 of 5 Old 08-04-2012, 10:26 AM
 
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hug2.gif

 

If you said something you didn't really want to this time, try again next time.  Keep trying.  You can do this! 

It's pretty phenomenally awesome that you realize that you can only change you.  Keep up the good work!


lovestory.gif   And on 09/23/2011, we were three;  husband, daughter, and me!

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#4 of 5 Old 08-08-2012, 10:08 AM
 
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Try to disengage - leave the room, go for a walk, go to your child's room and play with him/her. Carry a smooth stone with you so that when you get into a conflict you reach into your pocket and focus on how that stone feels - it's shape, it's temperature, the texture, etc. It could be anything - your phone, for example.

 

You should start posting in the single parenting forum. The mamas there have lots of advice. Your H sounds abusive and that is the kind of relationship I am in the midst of ending. I found the book, 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft to be immensely helpful.

 

Good luck, you have good insight and I'm glad you know what is right and wrong.  xo

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#5 of 5 Old 08-08-2012, 12:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilgreen View Post

Try to disengage - leave the room, go for a walk, go to your child's room and play with him/her. Carry a smooth stone with you so that when you get into a conflict you reach into your pocket and focus on how that stone feels - it's shape, it's temperature, the texture, etc. It could be anything - your phone, for example.

 

You should start posting in the single parenting forum. The mamas there have lots of advice. Your H sounds abusive and that is the kind of relationship I am in the midst of ending. I found the book, 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft to be immensely helpful.

 

Good luck, you have good insight and I'm glad you know what is right and wrong.  xo

I just bought this book. Thanks for the reccomendation. I am the opposite of you. I never say anything back to the mean stuff he says to me. I jsut plan and plan my escape. We shoudl give eachother pointers. I count until the need to freakout passes. By 5's...

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