Husband with chronic depression, he wants another baby. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 09-27-2012, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm posting in here, because I'm not sure where else to post.  I made a similar post about 5 years ago. But I'm at the same cross roads again.  We have a 4.5 year old DD.  and I'm about to be 37 years old. 


Do I have another baby with a depressed husband?  I decided to have a baby the first time.  But it put a lot of stress on our marriage in the first year.  Recently we went through marriage therapy (a lot of our problems stem from DH's depression and anger) and it has helped a lot, but just a few months ago, DH was talking divorce.    We REALLY are so much better now, but still his depression looms. He is on meds, but hasn't done any real therapy to help himself. 


After DD, my DH felt like he didn't have enough of my time, and that we couldn't do anything, and that our sex life was lacking.


NOW, he wants the all important BOY.    Really??     yes    He feels like he's always wanted two children, a girl and a boy.  And he wants HIS biological boy, to carry on his whatever.  Its SO....   Grrr...       I've asked him, what if we DON"T have a boy??  What if it turns out to be a girl??  And he has no real answer.   All I know is, he ONLY wants two kids, he wants them to be his biologically, and he wants a boy and a girl.   (we have the girl)


I'm worried about what if its not a boy... how will he deal?

And worried about all the same stress a baby can put on our marriage, even if it is a boy.

And I'm worried about being on my own with two kids if he later decides he does want a divorce.


Also, we moved away from family, with DD my mom was a HUGE help, here we'd (I'd) be mostly on our own. 


He feels if he doesn't have two kids, he'll look back on his life with regret.  He's very depressed about the prospect of only having our one child. 


Personally, I'm on the fence.  I could be happy with just DD, and I think I could be happy with another baby.   But I wouldn't be happy with a stressed out marriage and divorce.   I would love for DD to have a sibling, even if they are 6 years apart.    Part of me says, F it, just have the baby and let the pieces fall where they may.   But my mom has me scared to death about raising two kids on my own, if we end up in divorce.  I do think we're pretty solid in our marriage and our commitment to it, else I wouldn't be considering another baby.   On the bad side I don't see DH getting any REAL help for his depression. 


I just felt like getting this out there...  Any advice would be appreciated!

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#2 of 4 Old 09-27-2012, 01:48 PM
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Empower him by strengthening your connection to each other & tap into his natural drives


Get to the roots of the depression try , EMDR other similar methods.


Plan to conceive together (life & trust affirming), defer to his priorities while holding him accountable for responsible decision making.


This is between you and him, unless you plan on living with your mother (and even then) winky.gif .

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#3 of 4 Old 09-28-2012, 05:38 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you for such a compassionate reply!   


I will check out the links!!!

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#4 of 4 Old 09-29-2012, 06:42 PM
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It sounds to me like maybe the idea of having another child is appealing because you really want your man to feel better. The fact that its his idea, that you guys are doing a bit better now, that maybe, just maybe, this will strengthen your marriage and help his depression, can make the idea very appealing indeed. Unfortunately, it probably won't help, it doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl, the fact is your man sounds emotionally impulsive and needy, which stems from the depression he doesn't really want to beat. And why should he? It keeps the focus on him, he gets the attention he desires and he probably gets away with behaviors that non-depressed people don't since you feel sorry for him. I've been around depressed people almost my whole life and it's obvious to me that he's milking the relationship and possibly using the idea of having another child to keep you attached to him. I wouldn't go that route if I were you and I would also take a look at myself and the reasons behind why I would want to cater to a man who basically wants a mommy figure. He is emotionally immature, unstable and unreasonable. Any man who says he wants a boy because he already has a girl is definitely not wanting the child for the right reasons. You take care of him too much, stop babying him and see how things unfold after that.

Also, it's miserable having a parent who's chronically depressed (I speak from personal experience). And then, on top of that, to constantly witness the healthier parent make excuses for him, condone his behavior and/or constantly argue about it is pure hell.
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