I'm 23 years old, my kids are 1, 2, and 3 years old. I have had problems with depression and anxiety in the past, I was on Prozac in 2006 and Celexa in 2007 but neither worked for me. I'm scared to go to my Dr. and talk with them about how I have been feeling. Its getting bad. If toys aren't picked up in a certain order, I have a panic attack. I have to vacuum my living room floor in sections and go over it twice with the vacuum before I can move on or I have a panic attack. I can't let my husband help me clean up when he offers because he doesn't do it in the order I do and it gives me a panic attack. I just want to sit on my couch and cry I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. The only reason I do get up is because of my kids. My 3 year old daughter got up in my face this morning and said, "Mommy you awake?" I had to get up, I didn't think I could and honestly, I really didn't want to. I feel numb. My husband complains about me not wanting to get up in the morning, and it really makes him mad, but he doesn't understand, but I take responsibilty for that too because i haven't told him any of this yet. I'm scared to open up about it to him, I had a panic attack earlier thinking about telling him all of this. I know I have to open up so that he can understand and help but I don't want to. I'm scared he'll think I'm nuts. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I love being at home with my kids, I wouldn't give it up for anything, but the last like month, I have been so sad/anxious/jumpy and on edge I haven't been able to enjoy it. I feel like my kids are going to suffer the consequences of me feeling like crap all the time, I don't want them to see me feel like that. The suicidal thoughts are just ripping my mind in half. I would never do that, just to clarify, but it's just overwhelming me. I feel like a part of me is gone. Like it's just dead and not coming back. I don't know how to explain it. Any little noise I hear I'm jumpy and can't breathe. I don't know what triggered this to come back, I haven't had problems with it in almost 5 years. Has anyone else felt like this?
Oh man can I sympathize. About a year ago I went to my doctor because my panic attacks were on a daily basis and I'd dealt with years of anxiety and depression that wrecked my marriage. I was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and panic disorder with agoraphobia. My therapist believes I showed evidence of OCD back all the way to my childhood and that because I let it go SO long untreated out of fear and shame that it got to the point where it is today that I'm ruled by my compulsions day in and day out. I was having panic attacks daily but thankfully medication has stopped them and the depression is much decreased. I am in therapy now to deal with the anxiety and OCD issues and I'm just now starting to see small changes but it's a long and painful process climbing out of this hole I dug myself. So I've been where you are. And in a lot of ways I'm still there. I know how debilitating it can be. I know how suicidal thoughts can sneak up and before you know it you are obsessing over them and fantasizing about running off and leaving everything behind out of fear and self-loathing. I too was afraid to tell anyone. I wanted support but I was so scared of alienating people once I truly revealed the crazy within ya know? Finally I got up the courage to visit my doctor and get on meds. I made an appt with a therapist. And I went a few tiimes before sitting down and talking to my boyfriend about it. At first he was extremely negative and I was really hurt and felt fragile and my depression threatened to overwhelm me. But fortunately(or unfortunately depending how you look at it) I had a massive panic attack in front of him one night that really scared him and made him realize just how bad things had gotten. Over the last 6 months or so he's really started to come around and become a lot more supportive. He notices when I forget to take my meds(as do my kids) and he recognizes irrational or obsessive thoughts and he's good about bringing them to my attention without making me feel like a lunatic. I still have a long ways to go. He and I still have a long ways to go. But just having my foot in the door makes a big difference in my attitude/mood. I now feel like the load on my shoulders has been lightened because he and the kids are sharing it. Even just feeling like I'm not alone in this because they know what I struggle with is huge. I really really think you should summon the courage to tell your husband. Maybe he will be able to be more supportive once he realizes that you are scared and hurting and feeling alone and you need help to take control of this. Maybe he can accompany you to the doctor's appt so someone is there to hold your hand while you discuss this. It's SO hard to make that phone call and admit how far things have gone but the rewards are incredible. I promise it's worth it.
Don't hesitate to message me. I definitely don't have all the answers but just knowing that someone else is going through this or has gone through it is a huge help. I wish someone had been there in that capacity for me a year ago.
I know what you mean about it destroying your marriage it's taking its toll on mine too. I'm scared to open up to him because I don't wnat him to think I'm crazy.. but at the same time I know I need to open up to try to work through it. I'm very OCD I think that's part of the problem. I just want to curl up in a ball on the couch and wrap up in my blankie and not come back out. I know it's effecting my kids though, I just start to cry randomly throughout the day, and my 2 and 3 year old daughters get upset. They come over to me and give me hugs and say mommy cry. My three year old gave me a hug last time I completely broke down during the day, she made me cry harder. She have me a hug and said, "Don't cry mommy. I love you mommy." Made me feel even more awful. I'm just so sunk into this deep dark hole I don't know how I'll get out. My husband is absolutely no help at all right now, he comes home in the morning and screams and yells becasue I'm not out of bed, he accuses me of being up late and having other people here at night because I don't want to get up. He just doesn't understand that I'm just so sad that all I want to do is sleep and cry. On top of that he doesn't understand that being a stay at home parent to 3 kids 3 and under is exhausting! My 1 year old son is teething, so he's just miserable. He won't sleep by himself so everytime I roll over or move away from him a little bit, he wakes up screaming. During the day it seems like all the kids do is fight, if they get along for five minutes my misearble witch of a neighbor below me is banging on the ceiling because the kids made a little noise, and that scares the crap out of them. My kids literally cannot walk across my kitchen floor without her banging like that. That's not helping me at all. My husband is like the least affectionate person in like the world, I swear. He hates hugs, if he gives me a hug that lasts longer than 30 seconds he's pushing me away from him saying how he hates 5 minute hugs. When he gets annoyed with me over anything he throws my sh*t in the garbage. He threw my laptop away a couple days ago, I wrote out a very long full detailed schedule for the kids, that would help me alot, I had planned out one big cleaning event everyday so I didn't have to scrub down the bathroom and everything in one day. He said, "Well i guess you don't need this too bad then" and ripped it up and threw it in the garbage. Like nothing I can do, is good enough. If I had a set time that I had to get toys picked up by and limit myself on time, I feel that I would get alot more accomplished than just cleaning throughout the day, when I need to. Every time he gets annoyed with me he says he's not going to buy me anything anymore, he refuses to buy me more cigarettes. I know it's an awful habbit, and I hate it myself, but right now, I can't quit. He thinks because he up and quit a year ago and didn't care and doesn't miss it that it should be that easy for everyone, when it's not. He sold my car, I'm stuck here all the time. I live outside of town so going anywhere is like a 1 mile walk into town, and it has been wayy to cold for that let alone to have the kids out in it like that. I don't really have any friends, it's hard to find people my age that have kids and understand my life. It's hard for me to talk to people that don't have kids because I don't know what to say to them. I hate going to pick up my husbands paycheck for him because that means I have to go into our local very crowded 24 hour grocery store. Walking through the parking lot gives me a panic attack let alone getting in the packed isles with people. I panic in almost any social situation. The phone rings during the day and he's not awake to answer it, I panic because I know I have to talk on it. It's getting ridiculous. I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Fresh air, sunshine and exercise. An afternoon walk around the block takes care of these. Difficult with three children, but try it.
Lower stress. Not sure how you can do that, but it would help.
Is there someone you and the kids could stay with for a couple weeks to see if you feel better? I know from another thread that your stress is fairly high right now.
He was being a complete douche, i have more colorful words to describe him but I don't think anyone wants to read that many profanities in one sentence.
We talked, and I'm feeling a little bit better now that things are improving between us. I'm still going to set up a Dr appointment and see what they can do to help me because, even though I've been alright for a couple days I know another low point is right around the corner. I'm hoping the Dr. can get me in on Wednesday, but I'm not sure, because Wednesday my husband will be able to watch the kids while I'm gone to my appointment. I have to call tomorrow I'm going to see if they can get me in next week, I don't really want to wait that long but being that Wednesday is the only day that my husband will be able to watch the kids for me, I might have to. I was going to call today and set up an appointment but between playing referee and breaking the kids apart, and cleaning up everything and everything else I had to do I completely forgot. I'm going to stick a piece of paper on the fridge tonight before I go to bed so when I get up in the morning and go to the fridge for some nice cold caffeine I'll see it and remember. I really hope this helps. I hope the Dr can help me.