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Old 03-28-2013, 09:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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While I have a few minutes I wanted to share what has been running through my head.  I can not shake the thought "I'm so tired of this" meaning life.  Now don't think I'm going to go kill myself or my family because I don't have any thoughts like that! 

 

It could be a spike in my pregnancy hormones? I noticed when I'm feeling like this- stressed, tired, irritable, like PMS, I break out in pimples.  Also after tracking my hormones and going through hormone therapy in the past for stress I realized Progesterone make me "crazy". It's suppose to be the peaceful hormone, but why when it rises in women do millions of them suffer from PMS? Progesterone gradually increases throughout pregnancy until birth. 

 

Obviously pregnancy is a stressful time but I've felt like this for years.  It ebbs and flows.  I don't think I am ever really happy though.  I don't really find any joy in life.  I listened to a neuroscience book recently.  He talked about how our brains are wired, and they are wired to soak up the negative and send the positive through a sieve. It made sense to me looking back at pictures and videos that I've had happy and good times, but they are just not stored in my brain. 

 

I dread getting up everyday.  I'm tired and I just don't want to do all the things I have to do.  I recently discovered I need to allow myself a break sometimes, and am working on doing that. Along with doing things that I want to do.  However that doesn't escape the fact that someone has to take care of my kids.  Someone has to cook for them, someone has to clean the house, someone has to pay the bills and run errands, someone has to teach them school, the list is endless. And the only someone to do that is me. So while I may have discovered that sometimes I just need to sit and take a minute for myself or do something I want to do instead of what needs to get done it doesn't take away from all the things I still have to do everyday. I read somewhere once that if you spend your day doing things you hate to do they will be miserable until you stop doing them. Well I hate cooking, I hate cleaning, I hate laundry...

 

So, I continue to be disgusted with life everyday.  I love my kids and do enjoy being a mom, but you all know being a mom is tough work.  It's taxing physically, emotionally, mentally and it's never ending. My high expectations and dreamer personality just doesn't get fulfilled by wiping butts, cooking, and sitting in traffic.  I will never leave my kids nor do I want to.  I like to travel and I like getting away from the "everyday" however doing this with kids is stressful and removes the joy out of it. We drove cross-country last year.  7,000 miles, 3 kids age 2,4,7. It was extremely stressful throughout the trip so much so we kept thinking about turning back.  But back at home when it was over it seemed like we had a good time, well at least we saw and experienced some cool stuff. 

 

What can I do to be happy? How can I look forward to doing all the mundane requirements of daily life? 


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Old 03-28-2013, 05:54 PM
 
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I just wanted to post quickly to send you hugs.

 

You are so not alone. Our province's women's hospital has a reproductive mental health centre. I went there for three years. Pregnancy and postpartum are very challenging times for someone who is sensitive to hormonal changes (like me, too). 

 

I have to say, though, that sometimes we are too stuck to be able to get ourselves out. I know many mamas don't like the thought of medication, but this is what it's for. There is a lot of safe antidepressants to take during pregnancy. I took Cipralex (has other names). I was able to enjoy my life again.

 

I was in a toxic situation with my marriage and there was a time when despite the antidepressant, I became depressed again. I remember talking with my wonderful psychiatrist about it and she asked me to decide on a marker that will let me know if I am well or not. For me, my marker is whether or not I can enjoy playing with my children. If I stop enjoying that for a long period, I know I need to be really careful and monitor it. 

 

Gotta run, but i just wanted to share that btdt experience. I feel for you. I have been there and it is such a glum place to be in. I hope you're able to get help and heal.

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Old 03-30-2013, 08:19 PM
 
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hug2.gifOh, Mama. I hear you loud and clear. It is really challenging to have young kids (and to be pg to boot!!). I very much felt the same way when my kids were little. My husband worked full time and went to school full time. I was home alone a lot with the kids and left to my own negative mental devices. My friends were off starting their careers and traveling all over the world and I was home sewing cloth diapers and listening to babies scream. OY!! Now my kids are a little bit older, 10 and 8, and that feeling as passed. I enjoy my life and motherhood much more then I did when I was sleep deprived and on edge all the time. It also helps knowing I will be free to travel until my heart's content in nine years.....yes, I'm counting. winky.gif


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Old 03-31-2013, 10:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just won't take anything while pregnant. Things would have to be a life or death situation in order for me to medicate. I won't even take Tylonal. All the risks are too scary. I would never be able to live with myself if something happened to the baby. That is just my personal decision and don't look down on mamas that need it.

I was on Prozac before we started trying to conceive. I didn't feel it made a big difference, but coming off it I could tell that the edge was not taken off anymore. I tried another anti-depressant before that and hated it. I can't remember what it was but it made me clench my teeth and gave me strange thoughts. It was taking over my mind or making me feel crazy and I stopped right away. My family doctor doesn't necessary think I'm depressed more then I have OCD. Not the physical impulses just the mental ones.

The fact is my life is just really hard. I'm trying to get over that, not talk about it, think about it, etc. (but I'm not doing a very good job am I!!!) I don't have anyone to relate to. I don't know any other mamas that have husbands that work as much as mine. I don't know any other mamas that don't have family in their lives helping them out. I don't know any other mamas as friendless as me. My husband is very supportive and tells me he understands, but does he? He drives alone in his car everyday, chats with people at work whom he calls friends and I live in a world of silence and constant overwhelming work. I would like to see a therapist but when? On my husbands one day off? The mondays for the next two months are booked on our calendar with doc. appts., dentist appts, field trips, etc. I do not trust anyone to watch my kids, so I'm just stuck.

Everyone including my husband questions why I wanted 4 kids if life is so hard on me. Well I didn't feel I could let go of my dreams of a big family because I wasn't strong enough to make it through these tough years. I know my kids will grow and life will get easier. I'm counting those years! Also my kids are the one shinning light in my life. I love them!! It's an odd thing b/c they create all the work and most of the stress- but they are worth it!

After baby is born and starting solids and getting less milk I plan on getting medicated again. I don't know how this ride will be until then?

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Old 03-31-2013, 11:13 AM
 
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Not everyone made to be a stay at home mom. Get a job. Part time, full time....anything that makes your brain work harder. Use the money you make for a house-cleaner.

 

You need to start trusting other people watch your kids. This is the only way you will have a life since I imagine on your DH's days off you want time together.

 

It is not a big deal. People do it all the time.  Almost all the abuse is done by family members and not hired caregivers.  Kids are fine in day care, with nannies and babysitter. However, having a depressed mother can have life long negative effects.

 

Hire a babysitter once a week and go to therapy. Start there.   It  it will be 2-3 hours t most. (Therapy plus travel)

 

Life is not gonna get magically easier just because kids are older. I have teens. i do not have to wipe their butts but there other things to deal with.

 

Get help now . Dreams, ideals. BLAH> Deal with NOW. Now is hard. You need a help. Therapist can help so I babysitters and nannies.   Do not be martyr, be a happy mother!

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Old 04-01-2013, 04:24 AM
 
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Oh, hugs to you, Mama. I do know just how you feel. I also get so much from my children (love, fulfillment, etc) that I would never trade it. I am overdue with #4, so firmly in the stress zone, as well! I used to have severe problems with depression until I started taking higher doses of niacin (vitamin b3). You can read more about it at www.doctoryourself.com. It is a safe treatment during pregnancy, and I have also experienced my best blood pressure readings ever. I am not a doctor, it's just my experience.

Pregnancy is an especially hard time bc it seems like mamas are more introspective and self-aware than at other times. That is the case for me, anyway. Being away from my kids actually doesn't help me, so suggestions of babysitters and time off just frustrate me more. I would like things just to be easier sometimes! My DH also works a LOT, so I know what it's like.

I actually take many supplements and we juice and I drink green smoothies. These practices help a lot with stress. But, I also encourage you to try to make more friends. By nature, I am a super introvert, but I have cultivated friends in recent years that have been such a salve in hard times with the kids (I have two with ASD). Having supportive friends makes a huge difference.

I will be thinking of you!

Jean, happy HS mom to Peter (5), Daniel (9) and Lucie (2) and also someone new... baby.gif
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Old 04-01-2013, 08:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Agreed! Being away from my kids would make the situation a thousand times worse. I knew the moment I gave birth to my first that there is NOTHING else in this world that I want to do other then be with my kids everyday. There is no job nor amount of money that would EVER make me leave them.  You can't just "get over it" and have someone come and watch your kids either.  It's like telling someone with PTSD or PPD to just get over it, and move on. It doesn't work that way. I'm not concerned with how others raise their kids. I'm concerned with how my kids are raised.  It may be fine for others to use day care, babysitters, and send their kids to school but that is not what I want for my children. 

 

It is the same for me, I just want things to be easier.  I want a husband that doesn't work 80 hours/ 6 days a week. Every night, every weekend, every holiday.  We are working towards that now and when he does get a less demanding job I imagine it will have a huge impact on our lives.  I feel cheated coming from a crappy family thinking I would marry into in nice family.  It has not worked out that way.  My DH's family is horrible. I've tried to make friends. Really, really tried. Hoped, prayed, wished, cried and I have yet to make any real friends.

I can't relate to anyone due to our life situation which makes it really hard. Add that any mama I like has to have compatible children. Add that I homeschool 2 kids and am pretty much a single parent- when am I going to nurture a friendship? 

 

I will check out the site and talk with my midwife about it. Thanks for the support and UNDERSTANDING. 


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Old 04-02-2013, 05:21 PM
 
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grouphug.gif Mamas my heart goes out to you!! I live in a pretty rural city but there is a national SAHM club that meets here. I went a few times when my kids were babies but I didn't find any like minded mothers with whom to start a friendship but that was ten years ago and people are changing. Children need interaction with other kids, too. How about joining your local YMCA and letting them play with the other kids for a bit while you sit back and relax with a magazine for a few minutes. You need to take care of yourself, too. If you are frazzled and unwell your kids are going to pick up on that vibe.


There are three things I learned about life. It goes on. -Longfellow

 

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Old 04-03-2013, 07:25 PM
 
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I don't have any advice since I battle the exact same feelings, though I truly WANT to pick up and run away from my life.  I WANT to leave everything behind and just be alone.  I know it would solve nothing and I don't plan to do it but it's my "back up plan" in the back of my mind all the time that if everything gets too overwhelming I could just check out and leave.  I can't......but it makes me feel a little better thinking I could.  So you aren't alone in your feelings.  I don't think I've ever felt really and truly HAPPY and content with my life.  I always feel like I'm just waiting for something to happen.  I'm brushing aside the everyday for the future, though I don't know what that is.  It's a low level of depression that I've had since I was a teenager that's never gone away.  I won't say that I don't think you could benefit from an antidepressant to take the edge off but that's entirely up to you.  My kids are now 12, 8, and 5 and somehow they are more difficult now than they were as babes.  At least when they were tiny, they didn't have so many extracurriculars and meetings and doctor's appts and other requirements.  They may be wiping their own butts and clearing their place after dinner but now I'm chauffering them back and forth to brownies and art class and camp and playdates and somehow I'm busier.


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Old 04-03-2013, 08:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It makes me "happy" to hear other moms feeling the same. Yes, running away would be very nice sometimes. I have always run away in the past, but now I don't. I know it really doesn't solve anything, though it sure feels good to be in a new place and start over. 

 

I got my ultrasound and we think it's a girl.  We did everything to make a boy.  I'm really disappointed my plan for the perfect family of 2 girls, 2 boys may not work out.  My midwife said to me "having expectation can make things hard" Gosh is she right! I have high expectations about everything and I think that really interferes with being happy because nothing ever goes as planned. 

 

My advice to you if it's too much running cut out some activities.  I think kids have WAY TOO MUCH going on in their lives now days. Kids only get to be kids for a very short while.  One thing about being a kid that you will never get to experience in your life ever again once you grow up is the joy of doing nothing. As adults we are required to do so much.  I feel like I'm on a treadmill on high and I can never get off. There is just not enough time in a day. No matter how hard I work it never gets better, hence I always feel like I'm drowning. I think a lot of parents train their kids that they have to be doing something, going somewhere, be with someone to be content.

 

I got a lot of advice on here that since I'm stress my kids are somehow unhappy or I don't take them anywhere.  My kids are SUPER happy. And yes they go to soccer, art class, park day, and on play dates. But they are extremely content playing at home together.  I don't attempt activities that I know are too much for me or for them. I am human after all.  I see my kids pretending, enjoying books, coloring and painting and sitting looking out the window with the spring air blowing in their faces.  I see them happy and content just being.  I wish all the time I could go back to being a kid with nothing to do but let the spring air blow my hair as I looked out the window.  I was never involved in any activities as a kid and I was happy that way. 


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Old 04-04-2013, 07:26 AM
 
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You don't think your kids pick up on the fact that their mother doesn't find any joy in life?  I think you are underestimating how important a mother's well-being affects her kids.

 

You say that you realize you need a break, but you won't leave your kids with hired help.  What about with extended family members?  Is there no one besides you and your husband who loves these kids?  No aunt, uncle, grandparent, godparent, or even one of your closest friends or a neighbor you trust very much?

 

It doesn't have to be for many hours, just a couple, while you get some time for yourself, would be better than nothing.

 

If your kids have no other relationship with a trusted adult outside their parents, then I think you should work on rectifying that.  It's invaluable to have a variety of loving relationships, with extended family, or even i.e. your best friend who is like an aunt to them, or a nearby neighbor with a family?  Surely there are other homeschooling families in the area that you don't totally disapprove of how they parent?  You could swap babysitting where you leave your kids at their house for a few hours at some point that would help you out tons, and you take on their kids for a few hours on another occasion?

They say it takes a village for a reason.  Only mom 24/7 (plus Dad on Mondays) isn't necessarily the best way to go, especially when mom is finding zero joy in full time homemaking, and eventually this will affect your kids.


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Old 04-04-2013, 09:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Can I say my kids have no idea that I'm tired and stress? No I can't. Can I say my kids are deeply effected by it? No I can't. They seem to be oblivious to it. They are happy little kids in their own world with a mommy who does absolutely everything for them.  Just because I am joyless cooking and cleaning and being overwhelmed I don't think it has this huge hurtful impact on my children. I play with my kids and laugh with my kids everyday, like I said they are the only joy in my life.  I am a damn good mother and do more things for/with my kids then most other moms. Their happiness is my number one concern and believe me they are happy.  

 

I wrote this post so I could hear other mamas say "me too", 'I understand", "raising small kids is a stressful selfless time it will pass". Not to be criticized and UN-understood.  

 

The answer to your question is no.  No, there is no one else to help me! My family is 1,500 miles away and my DH's family does not care for or love our children.  They don't even care for or love my DH. Not everyone in this world is blessed with loving family and friends.  Some of us get really screwed in the deal and have to go it alone.  Do I wish I was surrounded by a big loving family? You bet! Do I wish they were here to help me? Yes! When we visit my family I watch and care for my kids as usual, then family members step in and help me.  It's SO ODD to not be the person who is doing everything. It's awesome to have help and others love my kids.  But that is vacation not a reality at home.  

 

It should be understood that I love my kids and do the best job I can with what life has dealt me.  Do I wish for and want them to be surrounded by family and friends, yes absolutely. However the family is not here. Nor are the friends. I've tried for almost a decade to to make friends and it has not happened.  Sure we spend time with other families.  Have I developed a close friendships and trust with these people? No sadly that has not happened and not for a lack of trying on my part either. I wouldn't just swap babysitting duties with someone.  It would take years for me to build a trusting relationship with another family in order to just leave my kids with them. That is not the mother I am, not the mother I will ever be (or want to be for that matter).


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Old 04-04-2013, 12:27 PM
 
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Mama, I feel for you! I know how it feels to struggle through the day and not have support. I have a family that is dysfunctional at best. There is so much I see here you are doing right, but I really do think you need to take care of you! If you can't do medication right now seek therapy.

Kudos to you for keeping active within the community. That was a smart move mama! Isolation is never good for anyone. Are you also actively seeking companionship for yourself? Allowing yourself some mama time? Taking good care of yourself? If any of those areas could be improved upon that's where you would want to start. Those are thimgs that help me anyways; self love and care, seeking out support and companions...just a couple of suggestion, of course.

A lot of what you describe sounds like depression. A lot of it also sounds like anxiety. You mention there having been times like this before. Do you see any pattern in your moods other than the monthly ebbs and flows when you aren't pregnant?

Depression sucks, and it's hard to treat on your own. Don't be afraid to ask for something if and when that time comes. You don't want to now because of baby, and I completely respect that. There are some thimgs you could do that may help. The lack of energy and gloominess can be helped with excersize and getting out of the house. (easier said than done, I know!) Taking a few minutes to pamper yourself will help your mood improve. Like a pp said, you could always swap chidcare with another parent for a couple hrs, and take some time for just yourself and your husband.

Best of luck, mama! Those hormones are tough. pregnancy is tough. not having loving family around to help is tough. But, you mama, trudging onward with hope--You are stronger and tougher than it all!
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Old 04-04-2013, 12:29 PM
 
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I'm sorry my post caused you to feel so defensive.  I feel bad, I should have prefaced with hugs and sympathy and letting you know that I have been where you are, am also currently pregnant and suffering from pre-natal depression, and all sorts of other things about me that would convince you that I'm posting from a good place and only wishing to see things get better for you and your family, nothing more.  Please trust that that's the case, without my needing to list my personal full 'resume' of why I do indeed have empathy and understand your lack of support (i.e. I have been living in a foreign country myself for a decade, no family around, and very hard to make friends so I know how that feels, etc. etc. ).  I do get it, I feel awful for you, I've felt that way, and I'm seeking psychotherapy myself to try to nip my current bout of mood issues in the bud before it escalates into something much harder to deal with.  Anyway, I really wanted to avoid talking about myself and there I go.  But let me explain....  I think a few of your comments just seemed a bit.... unreasonable, given the big picture, at least to the ears of those of us who believe that you have to first put on your own oxygen mask, before putting on the masks of your children.  You gotta mother yourself first, before you can ever be up for the challenges of a big growing family, especially when it's your full-time job.

 

Depression can escalate or at least become more entrenched in your brain and harder to pull yourself out of.  Those of us who have BTDT or loved those who have suffered, immediately will take it very very seriously when you say statements like, " I don't think I am ever really happy though.  I don't really find any joy in life.."  and "I dread getting up everyday." and " I continue to be disgusted with life everyday"  and  "I recently discovered I need to allow myself a break sometimes, and am working on doing that"  but then follow up with why that's never going to happen.  And "I live in a world of silence and constant overwhelming work"  and "I don't have anyone to relate to."     These are all red flags that you really do need to do something to get yourself off this track and get some help, whether professional or just making lifestyle changes to try to alter the way you feel about your life.  

 

If these are the feelings you have on a regular basis, the status quo is NOT working out for your family.  You and your husband need to talk about major changes (moving near your family, him pursuing a different career,  hiring a part time housekeeper, something!) and if that leads to nothing major, then hopefully a combination of minor changes (therapy, joining a support group even online if that's all you can find, a homeschooling community, something where you can start building up a friendship network in your world) will help ease the way things feel these days.

 

I just really do strongly wish all the best for you.   It can be so hard to live in your own head when those feelings are recurring.  I have friends who were raised by mothers who struggled with depression which is why I feel that it can be best for everyone, including the children, that you make your own well being a true priority,  asap.


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Old 04-04-2013, 11:44 PM
 
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Serafina33-- toche! overshare edited out of my previous post. I didn't mean to sound like I was condoning ignoring an urgent issue; but can't help say, I can relate because x, y, z.. I was trying to point out exactly what you were-- depression (and other mental health issues) DO need immediate assesment. I absolutely agree it IS necessary she address the issue.

Original Poster, you are kinda coming across defensively. You see a problem and post here seeking help. Some of what has been said by others has been gentle, some of it tough love; but I think everyone aggrees that it isn't a normal end of pregnancy feeling. No matter what course of action you choose, you recognize and admit it's necessary that you feel you need to do something and come here reaching out for help from the pits of depression. That's a great first step given the lack of irl support. Then you refute suggestions that you seek help and say you just needed support and empathy. Mama, we are being supportive and empathetic, everyone of us on this thread; but she is correct mama-- those are the red flags that do need adressed! Depression is not going to go away through commisseration! Having someone who can listen and relate is great, but I think what would really help you is seeking treatment. Medications may cross the placenta, but so does negativity, right? Therapy couldn't really harm baby, but could benefit your whole family. Might be worth looking into. At the bare minimum talk to you dr/midwife and let them know what's up. If you feel this way now they need to be able to help you keep on eye out for ppd at least.
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Old 04-05-2013, 12:10 AM
 
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OP - I've been thinking of you. I just wanted to send more hugs. xo

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Old 04-05-2013, 03:56 AM
 
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Serafina33-- toche! overshare edited out of my previous post. I didn't mean to sound like I was condoning ignoring an urgent issue; but can't help say, I can relate because x, y, z.. 

wild violet, we posted within 3 minutes of each other, I never read your post until the next day, so please don't think I was implying anything about your post in mine.  We were writing at the same time.  

It will not go away with commiseration, that is so wise, mama.  I hope the OP understands that and can benefit from the empathy and warm wishes from those of us (yes me too --I just came across abrupt the first time I think)  as well as the constructive nudgings to act IRL.  


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Old 04-05-2013, 08:01 AM
 
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I got my ultrasound and we think it's a girl.  We did everything to make a boy.  I'm really disappointed my plan for the perfect family of 2 girls, 2 boys may not work out.  My midwife said to me "having expectation can make things hard" Gosh is she right! I have high expectations about everything and I think that really interferes with being happy because nothing ever goes as planned. 

 

 

Out of this whole thread, this is what stands out most to me.  Perfectionism is NO JOKE.  OP, I would gently suggest that you do some reading on perfectionism, and see if any of it resonates with you, and try to start working on that.  I never thought I was a perfectionist, I thought I was easygoing and just a high achiever......then I had a son who is most definitely a perfectionist, and in reading about and working through things with him, I have also learned a LOT about myself.  People think, "oh perfectionist ha ha that's great you'll always do well" but that is FAR from the truth.


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Old 04-06-2013, 06:55 PM
 
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Mama, I'm still thinking of you.  Somehow I missed your second post where you implied that your doctor thinks you have Pure O OCD.  I also suffer from OCD and I can completely relate to obsessing over being the one to do everything fo ryour kids and not trust anyone to  take care of them.  I was like that when my middle daughter was born.  It was AGONY to watch someone else hold her or when she would cry and someone else would attempt to soothe her.  Pure agony.  Everything in my body was screaming at me.  I trusted no one to watch my kids, to be with them, etc.  I knew they needed me and only me.  I completely shut out my husband and our families.  I know how that feels to know in the very core of your being that you are the absolute only one who can do all the things you do during the day.  So I'll tell you something my therapist told me that helped: "Perception does not always equal reality."  The way your brain is perceiving the situation is not always the way it truly is.  Sit back and think about whether the way you feel is truly accurate and rational.  I'm not sure about you but I know for me and most of my friends with OCD, it's extremely difficult to judge whether our reactions/perceptions are in line with reality and truly appropriate for the situation or whether they are anxiety-based.  I don't know whether it's your anxiety and depression talking to you or whether it's just the way you need to parent.  Only you can decide. But I do know that when my third child was born that I realized that I couldn't and wasn't meant to do it all alone.  It was too overwhelming and my daughters wouldn't suffer for accepting help.  They look forward to their time with daddy.  They ENJOY having my mom pick them up from school occasionally.  It's been only a positive addition to our lives and my stress levels have gone down significantly.  I don't feel like I'm running a race just to survive anymore.  hug2.gif


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Old 04-06-2013, 07:31 PM
 
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I am relate to the perfectionism OP and it really really sux. It takes years to let go of -- but I've found I've passed it on to my 8 year old who frets over her grades.

And OH how I relate to the abject misery of the long days home alone with small kids. Kids whom you love and would rather die than be apart from ... But the endless monotony. I honestly don't know how I lasted through that time. I too had pp hormonal issues but didn't know it.

Hang in there. Honestly no advice. I managed to find a few mom friends whom I saw once a week and they were strangers at first but total life lines. But seriously it is not easy to find good friends.

I used to go drive off into the woods when my husband was home in the weekend. Park by a stream. Eat a sandwich. Smoke a cigarette. And never tell anyone where I was ! That was my only break it seemed.

Kids. I got two of 'em.
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Old 04-07-2013, 10:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well I finally came back on and read everyone post.  I understand everyone is trying to help.  However telling me I have sever issues and my kids are suffering from it doesn't help at all.  I'm aware I have issues. Honestly everyone has issues.  I share these things with my husband, "friends", midwife, etc. I don't mind feedback but don't like being told something is wrong with me or what I have to do to fix it.  I have never accept anyone telling me what to do.  ESPECIALLY how to mother my children. 

 

Like I said my mood ebbs and flows.  Some days I'm really stressed (like the day I wrote my original post) and other days I'm calm and happy.  I think I am extremely sensitive to my hormones.  I am a very emotional person also. I perceive the world through my feelings.  I'm also very strong willed and strong minded.  I can trudge through feeling like crap while still getting my daily tasks done and even breaking to laugh and play with the kids. It's sorta a time for discovery for me right now.  I got off of FB b/c it was depressing me. I'm using that time to focus on myself and my kids.  I've discovered a lot about myself in the past 2 months.  

 

I hear you all and it's true.  I'm sure I have OCD, depression, and suffer from perfectionism. Yes, even I think therapy would be beneficial to me.  Right now it's off the table.  We do not have the time or the money.  Not only is pregnancy a hard time, but we have taken some heavy financial blows this year. My husband who works 6 days/80 hours a week is trying to get a second job. I try to take care of myself.  I eat healthy, try to exercise daily (I say try b/c we have all been sick for over 3 weeks now and haven't done much of anything) (add a house of sick kids and being sick myself to boot has not helped with my stress lately)  I am always trying self-help techniques, and have sought medical help when things weren't  working in the past.  

 

Ah the friends issue. I'm working on accepting that I just cant' make friends. Not good or lasting or close ones.  I can't relate to others I can't.  I tell moms how much my husband works and they say "oh my husband works long hours too" When I ask, how long? The answer is always like 50-60 hours. I laugh in my head - 50-60 hours! that is like part time for us! If my husband worked 50-60 hours a week that would life changing for our family. Add everything else I said in my second post.  Our family/work situation is so far from "normal" and always has been. I don't feel like we are a part of society.  I went out yesterday and saw tons of people taking their boats out.  I wondered what it must be like to have weekends? To have that time reoccurring.  To get 2 days of fun with your family weekly? I despise weekends.  Everywhere I go I see families together.  Everything happens on the weekend. Art shows, festivals, etc. I would love to do these things! Sometimes I do, I take my kids alone but it's not the same as having  your husband with you. Can anyone else reading this post relate? Do any of your husbands work on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter? Are any of your husbands denied from taking off for your birthday? Unless your in my boat I don't think you can understand.  And no he can't leave the job.  It's high paying and we are dependent on the big check. 

 

After my son was born and I went through sever stress.  I stood in a group of HS moms at soccer and told them all how hard it was for me.  I told them how the stress was so overwhelming to me I just cry.  They were all concerned and wanted to help.  They all had suggestions.  Yet none of them ever did anything to help me.  When I say I've really tried to make friends, I MEAN I'VE REALLY TRIED TO MAKE FRIENDS.  I have yet to find someone I can relate to.  Someone who I actually like.  Someone with compatible kids. Someone who can be the friend I need.  I still try but my heart is no longer in it.  I no longer start relationships with the hope it will grow. 

 

This a going to be a tough year for us.  Next year we are hoping my husband can take a different job.  Less $ but a lot more time at home.  Help from him. Time for me to do things, alone if I want. Money again to do things. Vacation, oh how I'm longer for a vacation that is not coming this year. For right now I just have to keep drudging through it. 


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Old 04-07-2013, 11:46 AM
 
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 It's high paying and we are dependent on the big check. 

Then go through your family budget and reallocate some money towards domestic help.


Those women were helping you by listening and caring and  offering suggestions.  It's sad that you can't appreciate the people IRL and online who were trying to think of your well-being and happiness and  by using all the brain power they have, try to offer suggestions that could well help you build a plan that may lead you out of a life that is not working.

 

I'll bow out of this thread; apparently commiseration is all that you can accept at the moment.   Although I have a lot in common with you and your situation, (and my heart goes out for your sadness and your children) I just don't have it in me to wallow in it with someone who is so defeatist.  I'm frantically taking action to try to nip my pre-natal depression in the bud, and find joy within life circumstances that make me want to literally murder somebody when I let myself dwell on them.  I can't let myself.  I'm joining a band and last night I tried songwriting for the first time, and writing lyrics and melodies and singing all the shittiest angriest angstiest feelings out until I was sobbing, really helped.  I had never thought of doing it before but then I decided that I gotta think outside of the box in order to find a solution that works to allow lasting relief from my spiraling-down-the-toilet mood this year.

 

Anyway, good luck to you.


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Old 04-07-2013, 03:54 PM
 
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Hiya.

 

I just wanted to say a few little things....as I relate to some of what you're going through (I think?)

 

Firstly - I, like you, wanted a boy rather badly (difference is my child is going to be my one and only). My father raised me, after my mother left me when I was 3, and my bond with him is extraordinary, and I'd always had great relationships with guys, and not with girls - so much so, I just didn't know if I had anything to offer a girl child. I also thought that raising a boy would somehow be 'easier' (am quite sure I was deluded on that score). I cried for two days after the gender-scan when there were no dangly bits. And honestly, it bothered me on and off for a loooong time. I still think about the boy I didn't have. I love my girl - she's cool - but I think life and emotions and dreams and expectations are very complex and subtle things. It's possible you might always grieve for that child - but imho, that's okay, and just another part of the ups and downs that make your life and you what it is, and what you are (like it or not, and sometimes we don't).

 

Perfectionism. Hard one. I'm like this too. I think it's rubbing off on my daughter - but then, who knows really? - she's a very bright, vocal, independent, and bossy little thing...maybe she's just like that - anyway, unless being too perfect (or attempting to be) is ruining something about your existence...then it's really not a problem per se. Being aware of yourself and your tendencies and feelings is always better than not being aware, even if it seems harder - i.e. knowing things, but not having the answers or being able to find a way forward. But knowing yourself well can lead to better places, eventually, luck, good health and other things permitting! (OCD is a different matter of course, if it is causing problems).

 

Friends: Another hard one. Some of us just end up in certain places in our lives - then wonder how the hell we got there? Or how things could/should be different. I certainly feel like that. I made certain decisions - to live in a beautiful, but very remote part of the world. To have a child. To build a house. All three of these decisions combined have led me to a weird place now. I don't have anything in common with the few other people in our remote community. My girl (or rather, being a parent) has exhausted me in a way I never would have dreamed was possible (see my chronic insomnia thread in this forum). Building a house has turned out to be a regretful thing too, as we've nearly run out of money, yet can't move in because it's not finished. Bit of a disaster. All three of these things were meant to make my life more fulfilled, or move me along to a better place...or some other thing like that - but they haven't. They've made life harder. Very hard.

 

I don't have any advice for you - because I kind of get that you're stuck, and other people's advice is all about doing things you can't or won't do...which is totally fair enough. Our issues are very specific to us. But I can empathise. Life is just not what it's cracked up to be sometimes. (My family hassle me about not having my girl in daycare so we can finish the house, get a break, etc - but this is just not how we wanted things to go for her - so...well, I make sure I don't complain too much to them about having no time for anything. Cough cough.) Our families are a long way away, we're lucky to see them once a year - so Xmas etc are fairly low-key things here too.

 

For myself, I guess I cope by believing that the things that don't seem right, or I'm bereft of, will be around the corner for me one day...that corner might be months, or years away...but if I trudge along, and look after myself and my family the best I can - and try and see joy in things that happen in the present moment (difficult often, when tired and grumpy and overwhelmed)...then...maybe, maybe. This keeps me going. My three examples, the hope bit goes: We will move into the new house eventually, my girl will get older and a little easier (!?), my insomnia will be cured (ha ha) and I will generally find more time to get back to doing things I enjoy. Simplistic, but it is what it is.

 

Also - I have a rich internal life...and I love dreaming, and reading...and before my daughter was born I was quite a prolific amateur (but aspiring) writer. I get, or rather used to get, lots of solace and inspiration from writing. And art. Nowadays - I don't have the time! Was going to write a journal for and about the kid - managed it for one month after birth. Then all writing has gone Kaput. Gah. But I look forward to having that time again too. I still read every night though, and it's quite insane just how MUCH that hour or so in bed means to me. I look forward to it, and cling to it some days like a rock in a storm. (My bigger dreams and indulgences are just on pause - not forgotten about entirely. That's how I like to think about it anyway).

 

Back to friends. I don't make friends easily either - especially with women. But (and maybe this sounds like giving up?) I look around in my community and see a certain woman...and think: Well, she's loud and a bit obnoxious (or whatever) - we've got nothing in common...etc etc... BUT, here I am, and I'm not moving any time soon - and she does make me laugh, and she's a fabulous baker, AND she's raised three kids and knows a thing or two. The potential friends around here are not the one's I would have chosen for myself in times gone by....but, when it's a choice between being really lonely, or having some company occasionally...well, then, I find it easier to find the interesting/good aspects of people I vaguely know.

Having said that - I haven't got the TIME to be truly social - so I totally understand that aspect too. I've filed these people away on my 'will get to it later' list. (And I guess I could say that I'm not lonely enough yet either).

 

Like I said - no advice really. You know yourself, and what you want, what you can and can't have at the moment etc. And...if you can't wallow a little online...then the world is a sad place after all.

 

Wish you the best.

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Old 04-07-2013, 04:46 PM
 
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hug2.gif  I'm sorry you are feelilng so stuck.  Sometimes if you take out money from the situation, I think me being a single parent is probably easier than you being a married stay at home parent with a spouse who works long hours.  You have to still have another person to think about while I can just come and go at will and worry about myself and my kids.  I don't have to think about whether my partner needs laundry done or lunch made for tomorrow, etc.  It's gotta be tough co-parenting with someone who lives with you but is never home.  I know famiily time on his one day off a week is precious but I think you might benefit from an hour to yourself.  Maybe you could get up earlier than the kids and go for a walk or maybe sit outside in the backyard with your coffee and a book.  Personally, I like to get up 20minutes earlier than my kids every weekday and fix my coffee and read some blogs.  They inspire me and relax me and get me in the right frame of mind for the parent I want to be for the day and I enjoy 20minutes of peace to myself before the chaos starts.  It sucks that it has to happen at 5:30am but this time of year, the sunrise is particularly pretty anyway so maybe it's a benefit!  thumb.gif


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Old 04-15-2013, 01:11 PM
 
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I hear you OP about not being able to find friends. Sometimes there is no one around with whom you are compatible. It completely sucks. It's worse hanging with families that you don't feel good about than being alone, that's what I concluded. But both is bad. Wish I had something constructive to suggest.

Kids. I got two of 'em.
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Old 06-01-2013, 01:34 AM
 
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I feel for you.  It takes me years to make friends.  And that is years of regular contact.  As a mom, regular contact is a joke.  I do not count standing on the sidelines watching my kid play as regular contact.   It is very, very hard for me to make friends.  I still remember my panic over my wedding when my husband informed me that he was going to have five groomsmen.  I did not have five friends.  No joke.

 

I also know that feeling of perfectionism.  I can parent my kids better than anyone else.  I can do the dishes, the laundry, <insert activity> better than anyone else.  But here is what else I realized.  I spent my youth with a mom who feels that way.  And when I got older, it was very, very hard for me to do housework and laundry and whatnot because I always feared it was never up to her standards.  So now I try to do a little bit of Tom Sawyer on my kids, and pretend that my chores are FUN and don't they want to do them too?  Then I have to seriously stand back and count to 10 as water is sloshed on the floor, the outside of pans aren't washed, clothing is poorly folded, etc.  I actually set a timer.  10 minutes.  After that their time is up and it is mommy's turn.  It is really hard, but I'm trying to teach them to help as well trying to teach them that chores are just another part of life, not a test of your worth as a person. (That is obviously my own issues rearing up there!)

 

I hope that when your baby comes your mood will brighten.  Being a mom is so, so hard.  But so worth it.  Hang in there and know that if we lived closer, I would be your friend.  (In about three years.  Give me time!)   
 


CD'ing, homebirthing, milk making school teacher. Supporting my family on my income and trying to get out of debt in 2013!
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Old 06-01-2013, 05:11 AM
 
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It can be difficult when one doesn't really understand the situation to say the right thing and be helpful. Most of the time, posters are trying to help. We only get a snippet of your life, and color that through our own experiences. The result is imperfect, at best. Still, if you sift through the suggestions, sometimes there will be a golden nugget of helpful advice, so I'm going to throw my advice into the mix, and hope there is some value for you. If there isn't, please understand my intentions are to help, and I wish you well, regardless of how much my suggestions benefit you.


First, I'm curious about your husband's job. Is he a doctor? I ask because it just kind of sounds like he is. I am also concerned about him getting a second job. Will he be able to get enough rest? If he gets seriously ill, that won't help.

You are in a very difficult place, in your life. Naturally, you are going to feel down, at times. And I understand there really aren't any 'up' times, right now, only timed not quite as low as others. I suggest you take a deep breath, hold it, then let it out as you release your emotions. That may help you get through the tricky moments.

When I was in a similar place, I was told by another mom that she took it day by day. When I said that I wanted more in life than that, she agreed, and said, "Sometimes, though, that's the best you can do. When I was in boot camp, I took it hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute. You do what you have to do for that place in your life." Those words helped me. I hope they help you.

When you are ready to consider making changes to your life that will bring you closer to the life you are longing for, those who can help you will be all around you. I firmly believe it works that way. I'm guessing that, for now, some part of you thinks where you are is where it is best -- perhaps for the children. I did that, myself. Most do not understand. That (the lack of understanding) cannot be changed, and is not something you need to focus on, right now.

I hope this helps.
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Old 06-02-2013, 08:15 AM
 
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Although it seems like every minute of parenting is a lifetime for much of the 18 years, it's really only a fraction of your life. I was amazed when my daughter left home how short it seemed in retrospect.

 

The best thing I learned as a parent is that I am 100% responsible for my parenting. Family, friends, spouse, and school are on the outside of each woman's experience of parenting. I found very little comfort in friendship or other social support. Those support experiences were really only ways for me to blow off steam or have a distracting interaction. They were a small hiatus from the daily grind. They didn't really provide anything that taking a walk, reading a short story, watching a movie, or taking a nap would have provided and I quickly realized, like the OP, that what I needed wasn't involvement from other people; what I needed was an interaction that reinforced my independent personhood. I learned to do that for myself so that when I interacted with others I was relaxed and not needy.

 

The depression described by the OP is the loss of personhood that results from allowing another mind to live within your psychology, which is how human parenting is done. It's a parasitic relationship for much of the time, thus it must be transformed through love into nurturing. At the most difficult times I realized that I must be willing to literally give myself to my child, not just take care of her or spend my time with her. I became loving.

 

Now that my daughter is grown, I have all the skills and development of this inner life that I can redirect to myself. I'm now my own best resource; I trust myself, like myself, invest in myself, nurture myself with a wholeness and love that I never had before.

 

Hang in there, it gets better, but it's a treasure hard-won.

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